Holy cow the stress is killing me! I made the decision to leave and i've just been waiting for a good time to tell my wife (it's not a good time of month to talk to her about this sort of thing right now, and we certainly don't need extra emotions). I have been having very vivid dreams about being trapped and stuck and also finding ways to resign in different situations. I'm not sleeping well and I have a stress ball that I can't let go of. Now that the decision has been made I can't just wait like I was before! I guess it will come in time, I was planning on doing it this weekend.

You are dropping a bomb.

Yes, it needs to be dropped, but it is still a bomb.

So, the best you can do is say, "there are times that are slightly less crappy to bring it up."

The waiting was killer the weekend I was at my parents before I told them.

And then I did.

And it was bad.

And then it got better.





In some ways.

I think you should sign up for marriage and family counseling.

Get into non-LDS therapy for a few months.

You need an impartial ally to sound off on, especially if your wife gives you hell over your refusal to be further exploited by a cult.

Stop feeling guilty.

well, I told my wife. I was surprised by her reaction. We talked about it right before we went to bed, she stewed over it through the night and then in the morning decided that this was something that could cause us to separate if we went different ways, so she decided to be open and look at the issues with me. I was shocked, any time that I had presented anything she was just closed off completely to it. We did go to church yesterday, and while there she leaned over to me and made a comment "if we do leave the church, we might not be able to make our conference donuts." I never thought I'd ever here a comment like that from her! It looks like her greatest fear is losing the promise of our family being together after this life. In response I said that I feel like we still can (which I do, I really don't know what happens after this life now). She decided that she would pray to see if the church really has authority, that will be her main deciding factor right now. She is afraid to trust historical evidences because she has felt a confirmation from the holy ghost, but I think that she has started thinking a little bit.

My has been battling depression for a little while, and she just decided that she needs to actually see somebody about it. She is afraid to make a big decision until she feels like she is in her right mind, so she's going to focus on that first. She has an appointment with a councilor today.

I don't know how long it will take to recover from that, but I am excited that she is not being close minded, I have agreed to not make any drastic changes until we work it through together, so I will continue to wear my garments and go to church for a little bit longer.

Good for you! There seems to be hope.

Be sure your wife's counselor is not a Mormon!

I found that most of my depression was caused by the Mormon church, and I felt a huge relief when I resigned. The love-bombing, shunning, loss of friends, temporary lack of social life, disappointment from my family--all the problems of quitting--were easy, compared to the problem that church caused in my life.

Oh, joy! Make donuts every day with your wife! Take her out in nature, and see if she feels the spirit there! Play like children free after school is over!

"Take her out in nature, and see if she feels the spirit there!"

I second this. I left mormonism for generic christianity, and I missed "feeling the spirit" until I realized that I still do get that feeling. I had been trained to get it in mormon church, so now I get the opportunity to re-train myself to feel peaceful and content in normal life situations. When I realized that, things got so much better. I have control over my own life! I can help myself have good feelings outside of mormonism! I don't have a stupid mind-controlling corporation telling me when I can feel centered! Amazing.

The discussion I love to have about "spiritual confirmations" may or may not be helpful for your wife, but I'll explain it in case you think part of it might help. I say something like: One time Joseph Smith got a revelation, which he wrote down, that if some other people took the manuscript of the BoM to Canada, they could sell the copyright and bring the money back to print the BoM in in the United States. It didn't work, they couldn't sell it. They came back and asked Joseph Smith why his revelation failed. He said "some revelations come from God, some from our own minds, and some from the devil." They got it, and said "OK Joseph, it must have been from your own mind." Now, if Joseph Smith had trouble telling which revelations were from God and which were from his own mind, how can we be expected to do any better? Is it possible that your spiritual confirmation was just your mind telling you that you want it to be true? How much evidence would it take to convince you that it must have been your mind really wanting it to be true? Ten problems with the church? Five? One problem that really matters to you?

goat Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It looks like her greatest fear is
> losing the promise of our family being together
> after this life. In response I said that I feel
> like we still can (which I do, I really don't know
> what happens after this life now).

It's just such a foreign concept to me that Mormons have this belief that they won't see each other in Heaven without the Mormon cord. Most religions believe that pretty much everyone will get to heaven and see their loved ones. Leaving Mormonism isn't just about leaving a religion that doesn't work for you, it's about severing bonds *for eternity*. That's some scary shit. If Mormons who are on their way out could grasp that "regular" concept of Heaven, it might make leaving a tad bit easier, maybe. I've never been much worried about the need for sealing because Heaven just doesn't work that way, KWIM? Lots of different paths that all lead to the same place. I'm glad it went well with your wife.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2011 10:25AM by omreven.

You don't need to drop a bomb. It's better to prepare her bit by bit.

Some Examples taken from what my husband did with me.

Make small comments about doctrines that are clearly nonsense (start with non-LDS stuff like the Bible because Mormons can accept that better. For example, Noah story, creation in 6 days, earth 7000 years old, talking donkeys, Lot's wife turned to salt). Then move on to weird things the early prophets said. Don't condemn them. Just bring them to her attention.

Make observations about practices in the church that aren't doctrine, but are weird, useless or invasive. (Why so many meetings? Why meddle in people's business? Why such poor confidentiality? Nosey interview questions. Why should you answer to the bishop for anything instead of God? Why take little toddlers to sacrament meeting? Why shouldn't a person say "no" to a calling if they don't have the time or desire to do it, it's not REALLY from God. Ward leaders got together and suggested your name. How can family be together in eternity if they are Gods of different planets?)

Bring up stuff you know she doesn't like. (Does she want to share you with 3 other women in the afterlife?)

Miss church more often for reasons other than being sick. Plan a trip, an activity, or just be too tired more often. Don't do your Home Teaching and comment that nobody wants HTs to come anyway. It's just an all-around hassle, and presumptuous to "teach" people in their own homes.

She'll get the idea that you aren't so TBM. And you might even get her thinking. But most importantly, she won't be blindsided by suddenly seeing you go from TBM to apostate. Give her time to process the idea.

Encourage her to do things that will build her self-confidence and create connections to people outside the church. Maybe take classes, get a job, start a hobby.

In the meantime, be the best husband you can be and make yourself indispensable to her happiness. Let her see that relaxing and moving away from Mormonism isn't affecting you as a spouse, or is affecting you positively.