I'm not exactly sure how to phrase this, because it's difficult to put these thoughts to words. This is probably the best I can phrase it at this point.

I seem to have unrealistic expectations for myself and was wondering if any of you struggle or struggled with this. I haven't been out of TSCC very long and I've really just begun to address this subject. I've known for quite some time about these unrealistic expectations, but I've never really recognized them or addressed them.

Essentially, I'm terrified of making simple mistakes, whether they be in conversation or casual thought. It's almost like I have a thought cop living in my head, constantly criticizing everything I think, say and do. This doesn't happen when drinking coffee or breaking any of TSCC's taboos, only when I make a--what I think to be--a self perceived faux pas.

Stumbling over a word and shaming myself for it, watching my tonality and how I come across to people. "You didn't think of this option, you need to be smarter," or, "you didn't say/do that, why didn't you?" I exert a lot of energy on how I am perceived, probably because I've lied to the majority of people I associate with regarding my feelings about Mormonism. This is very much how I think, how I process everything around me and it isn't particularly enjoyable. It's a never ending system of checks and balances that mostly shame me.

Have any of you experienced this? Are you still trying to overcome it? Is this something I should even be concerned about? Is this just who I am? Should I accept it?

Strykary Wrote:

>
> Have any of you experienced this? Are you still
> trying to overcome it? Is this something I should
> even be concerned about? Is this just who I am?
> Should I accept it?


To answer your questions: Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes and No.

Inner Critics are very hard to deal with. If you defend yourself against it, it criticizes you even more. If you can adopt an attitude of compassionate curiosity--"So, my Inner Critic is going off again. What does he/she/it want? Is that realistic? Is that what I want? Is there another way of seeing this and feeling about it?"--that can help. The Inner Critic is very worried about doing things wrong.

Another approach you might try is to decide to make a number of small mistakes *on purpose*. For example, wear mismatching socks, deliberately use the wrong word 10 times a day--or do something else. If it is playful, that is even better. The idea is to desensitize yourself to the criticism and to the fear of making mistakes. If you have some friends who will play along you can even enlist them by telling them you are going to make mistakes with them. You can turn it into a game.

You could also try some Rational Emotive Therapy self-help and see if any of that appeals:

http://www.rebtnetwork.org/

Anyway, I struggle with tough a Inner Critic. I've made headway and keep working on it. You are fortunate in that you are young and aware now, you don't have to spend a lot of painful years of it making your life miserable.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2011 10:55PM by robertb.

Thanks Robert, I'm going to give your suggestions a try. I read through some of the website and came across "the three musts." I feel like I'm stuck in the first one, "I must do well and win the approval of others for my performances or else I am no good." The others don't seem to be much of an issue.

You know, mindfulness meditation--20 minutes a day--could help, too. It is something I am working with that helps. I'm still inconsistent, but I find it works when I do it.

I don't really have any advice, but I do know what you mean. We are as my Pastor tells me, our own harshest critics. Other people hardly notice our minor mistakes, but we beat ourselves mercilessly for them.

One thing that I did notice was that whenever I put on my G's I would ponder the emblems meaning 'exactness and honor' and 'undeviating'. The G's were a constant reminder that I had sworn to be perfect in front of God, angels and these witnesses. Probably had a lot to do with my despairing over small buffooneries on my part.

It could also be a compulsive disorder at work here. I suspect that a good heart to heart with your doctor could bring some much needed relief.

In the end though, the hardest people to forgive are our selves, and they are the ones who really need our compassion and understanding. Remember, we're only human, just like the rest of the people that we are supposed to accept and not judge.

I'm merciless as far as self criticism goes. It isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

Are you kidding? I'm replete with guilt and shame. Why? Because I've failed. How have i failed? I'm not good enough!

That is what goes through my head often. Sometimes, I'm able to shut it out. Yesterday, i broke down in tears because this was the "feature film" playing in my head. Today, I took care of myself. I shopped for groceries, cooked (which is a lifetime love but a luxury because I live with my Aunt), and said good things to myself, like "My sun-dried tomato pesto came out just like I wanted it to" and "My roasted garlic-infused olive oil is going to be great!"

All that translates into "I am good enough" and "I have succeeded." Then I don't feel guilt.

If you can't snap out of it, you should probably talk to a professional about it. But try to find things that make you happy and do them. Consider your family and try to connect with them on a level that works. Love yourself. Talk to yourself as if you were someone who is loved unconditionally.

I went through something like this when I first left the morg - beating myself up over every little thing.

Then one day, I don't know why, all of a sudden I had a mental picture of myself saying the same thing to my nieces and nephews (who I adore!) And I was appalled!!! I couldn't live with myself if I treated them like that!

The next time you're beating yourself up over something, imagine saying the same things to someone you really care about and see how it feels.

And I agree that could be a bit of obsession-compulsion (OCD) going on. Someone pointed that out to me and I ended up getting some medication from the Dr. And it made a world of difference. I still felt like myself, but the urge to tear myself down was much easier to resist.

Acceptance is the only way to calm down, take a deep breath, and deal with this. I have OCD, and its primarily obsessional (which means its all in my head mostly), and this sounds super familiar to me. The way I deal with it is just not to worry about it and it goes away (way easier said than done I know!). I do this by NOT reassuring myself and going over and over the thought in my mind. The thought is the obsession - the reassurances are the compulsions. If you don't do the compulsions you will feel anxiety, but if you can ignore the anxiety it breaks the cycle. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I can't resist the compulsions and thats when I just ride the wave to when I feel better. Acceptance is something you not only should do, but for me at least, I HAD to accept my OCD before I could learn to live with it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 02:25AM by americangirl406.

americangirl406 Wrote:

>I do this by NOT reassuring myself
> and going over and over the thought in my mind.
> The thought is the obsession - the reassurances
> are the compulsions.

This sounds really helpful. So, by doing the reassurances you are essentially setting up an argument with yourself?

I am finding putting my attention on my breathing and physical sensations and letting myself relax helps me with the critical thoughts.

Yes setting up an argument with yourself is exactly it! You might alleviate your anxiety for a moment but the cycle just continues. A thought is just a thought. It can't hurt you unless you take it to heart.