Hey I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Here's an article about a black couple who gave birth to a white baby:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3060907/Black-parents-give-birth-to-white-baby.html

My point is you just can never tell if someone has been adopted or not. And people shouldn't make judgement calls on it.

A little off topic: I received an e-mail about a year ago inviting me to a baby shower for a wife of someone my husband works with. I didn't know the woman very well and mentioned the e-mail to my husband that they were expecting. He mentioned this to the man he worked with, who replied, "What? She's not pregnant. We're adopting!"

My husband was really embarrassed, especially since this man was his superior. And apparently this man was a bit annoyed so my husband came home irritated at me that I would mislead him like that.

I feel in some situations, people shouldn't get upset, or offended by questions. If I receive a BABY shower invite I am going to assume it's for a baby, not a 2 year old child. I think sometimes people are being rude and sometimes they are not and every situation is different. And we should act accordingly.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 07:49AM by justanotherprettypiece.

...you child is so intelligent. Was she/he adopted?

If you use that line,I love the insinuation that the parents couldn't be smart enough to have a child that intelligent. My favorite kind of humor.

I have 3 children by three different fathers. The first one is mixed with black/white, but very light skin. I gave her up for adoption. Second one from first marriage. She is a mix of Native american, french, and whatever roots I have.
She is darker skinned than the first one. My third is strawberry blond and fair skinned. My birthdaughter is back in my life.


So when I am with all three people ask if the older 2 are adopted. Or say's there is a story here.

If I am in a sarcastic mood I tell them yeah I like sex. Alot.
Or that yeah the first one was adopted, but by other people.

People in general can be pretty nosy or rude. I think mostly they want something to talk about later. Guess their lives may be boring.

But I am not easily upset and if someone asks me a question out of real concern or even curiosity I don't mind answering.
I only know the birthmother side.

Maybe people who adopt feel insecure about not being able to have a child naturally. They shouldn't be.

In my world we make our own families anyway. In the mormon world its like a huge flow chart.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 12:22PM by beansandbrews.

I handle this the same way I handle racist storytelling. And by that I mean, when someone is telling you a story, usually about someone else's poor behavior, and I notice they have to tell me the race of the person they're talking about. 90 times out of 100, the race is completely irrelevant.

So my answer to intrusive questions like that is, "Why? What does it matter?" or "How is THAT relevant?"

I'm the mother of what I call a "Rainbow Family": 2 Russian sisters (one with severe behavioral disabilities), a bi-sexual bio DD, a bio teenaged son - a varsity athlete (gotta have at least one "weird" one in the bunch.ha). And my littlest guy, 8-year-old Zachary, is African-American and in a wheelchar.

People (kids's especially) want to know if I'm *really* Zach's mom. "But he's brown and you're not," said one kid at Cub Scouts this week. It's a wonderful, fun way to share Zach's adoption story - each of my children has an adoption story, much like birth stories for biological children.

I'm alway very fun and upbeat with whoever asks about my family. I say things like, "Yes, Zach is my son. Then I lean in close to him - face to face. And I ask,"Can't you see the resemblance?" Then I crack up when they look all awkward.

I've the met the nicest people, who've struck up a conversation about one of my children. People are so curious, and when I talk with someone a while, it's feels like I've done some educating, too. So it's all good.

Zach tells a darling abbreviated version of his adoption story to people: "My mom says I was so cute, she just adopted me." ;o)

There's a vast network of adoptive families out there, I've always been a part of that community. We all view adoption as a positive, wonderful way to bring a child into a family.

So, no, I would not be offended by questions of my child's "origin." Folks are naturally curious. And I'm naturally talkative, so . . . it works.



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 02:57PM by shannon.

My son has white-blonde hair and extremely light blue eyes, his skin has more of a tan undertone. He's a beautiful kid, and very striking to look at. I can imagine it's probably a little odd to see him next to his very redheaded and freckled mother who looks nothing like him. I get asked frequently if he is adopted, and every time I get smart-alecky and walk away.

My husband has very dark hair and is freckled as well. So it would look to outsiders as if we adopted. The fact is, he just looks like my first husband's family. I don't really care to share information about my failed marriage with people. If I wanted to, I would volunteer that information myself. So when people ask me why my kid looks different, I kind of want to punch them in the head.

I know it's "just curiosity" but most people learned in Kindergarten to keep nosy questions to themselves. I spent several years tolerating rudeness and people overstepping my boundaries while within the church. I won't allow it anymore.

Okay, my two cents here also.

I'm white, my wife is black, she has a daughter from her first marriage (white guy), we have a son together, and we adopted a daughter from South Korea.

If my wife or I are by ourselves with our youngest daughter, people just assume our significant other is Korean.

If we are all together people are confused. Our two oldest look like "us". Our youngest does not obviously.

Usually, people who ask are adoptive parents themselves, and they ask like this, "we adopted a child from ________, where is your daughter from?" Our answer is, "South Korea. That is so cool you adopted also and blah, blah, blah...."

All other requests as to if she is adopted is met by one of a few answers, depending on how bigoted it comes across. People have heard one of the following at different times:

1. No, but my husband said she looks like him a little bit so I'm going with it.

2. No, but I sure think she looks an awful lot like the milkman.

3. No, but it is a sore subject with my wife as we did a favor for a friend of ours, taking in her child. Well, now we are in a long legal process of having her declared crazy as shit and an unfit mother, very stressful at the moment... and I'm hoping my wife doesn't figure out that the child is mine.

4. Does it matter?

5. F**k you.

And yes, all these answers have been given out. Of course there is the one for people who can not stop staring at the five of us when we are out, "take a picture, it lasts longer." I actually gave a tourist a picture from my wallet one time when we were in the Bahamas and said, "here, now you can go home and tell your friends we are even breeding."

As for the question being in and of itself rude, it all depends on how it is asked and by whom.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 12:17PM by nickerickson.

A friend of mine had the nosiness inflicted upon her in another way. She's Hispanic, her husband is so fair he has to have the skin cancers removed regularly from his face, neck, and back.

Their youngest took after Dad. And when my friend would be out with her daughter when she was a baby, people acted like she was the Mexican housekeeper/nanny taking the baby to the park.

I put all this BS in the same category as the busybodies who want to know, "Are you pregnant?" The correct response, IMHO, is "What's it to you?" or "Why do you care?"

The busybodies REALLY need some business of their own to mind!


~VOW

Many years ago I knew a TBM family that adopted a Polynesian baby. They already had raised six kids of their own, with the youngest one being about 14 years old.

As that baby became a teenager he had no friends in his peer group in school or in the ward. So he sought out and found "friends" of his race elsewhere in the community.

That young boy and his friends became involved in criminal activities. They were frequently hauled off to juvenile court and served time in lockups for juvenile offenders. That didn't cause this boy to start obeying the law. The more he was involved with his wayward friends, the more trouble he got into.

After he reached age 18 the seriousness of the crimes escalated. He got into some REAL trouble and was sentenced to serve time in the state prison. There he got more criminal education rather than becoming a law abiding person. He did repeat offenses and spent more time in prison.

During the time when he was in prison he wanted nothing to do with his adoptive (still TBM) parents. This entire scenario almost destroyed those parents. The man's health was severely impacted from all the worry and trouble.

I am sure that if they could have lived the past twenty five years over again they never would have adopted the child from a non-Caucasian race.

Oh no you did not just say that . . . .

I guess that means Zach is gonna turn all "gansta" on me in about five years.

;o)

Soooooooooo, because he wasn't white he was predisposed to turn out the way he did and had the adopted son been white he wouldn't have ended up in the prison system.

A pretty crap blank statement. I doubt you meant for it to come out the way you said though.

Another way to look at it is PPP on the parents part, Piss Poor Parenting. Maybe they alienated the child from others always telling him he is not white? Maybe they were too old to have adopted a child and should have left well enough alone? Other blanket statements that are crap and assume something about the parents in question.

Just because a child is not white does not mean they are predisposed to end up in jail.

Just because a child turns into a complete idiot does not mean the parents did not do a good job of raising that child.

Parents who adopt have to make the child feel welcome and celebrate their heritage in a way that does not alienate the child. Best way to do that is be open about the adoption.

There are good and bad ways to go about this. Maybe the adoptive parents should have talked with a social worker specializing in foreign adoptions. My guess is, if they were TBM, they did not as they probably went through the church adoption service and as long as you are TBM you know what you are doing.

Again, blanket assumptions about the adoptive parents that is a crap blanket statement to make.

when I met my birth daughter her adoptive parents hadn't told her of her heritage till she was close to 18. She is White with curly hair. But not tight curls. And they loosely used the "n" word around her her whole life. And all the while professing God's love if you follow the gospel.

So when I met her I made sure she found her other DNA parent. And set out to help her embrace her version of herself.
And she is bisexual. Embraced that too.

And there are no guarantees with either kids you have naturally, adopt, or any variation of those things in how they will turnout.

Bottom line is showing them love as a parent should meaning unconditionally.