I know very little about my history. I know I was the 5th child born to a Catholic family, and I was the first to be placed for adoption.

I was born in Portland OR, and it was a closed adoption...I found out some things because a pediatric nurse broke HIPPA.

Now OR has opened up some adoption laws I can potentially find out some things...but only if my birth mother is open to or agrees to my request.

I've put off the request for quite a few years. If my birthmother denies the request, I can't meet my siblings due to the risk that I could identify her.

I'm scared of rejection...

Anyone out there go through this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2011 12:26AM by Lost Mystic.

I am a birthmother. Reunited over 10 years ago. No way to know unless you try.

How did you feel about the reunion?

I'm scared to death that she doesn't want to meet..

I have gone thru the whole process. For me, it was a very emotional time. I hardly ever talk about it, as it has impacted me so much. All for the good. If you want to talk further, I will give you my e-mail. Met the whole blood family.

Could you send me an email to lostmysticrfm@gmail.com ? I'd love to hear about your experience...

I'm also an adoptee - closed adoption like you, and I know very, very little about my biological parents.

I'm too terrified to search for my birth parents for fear of rejection, too. I have put my name out on search websites in case someone is looking for me, however.

My brother (also adopted, no genetic relation) did meet his biological family, and it seems like it was a positive experience for him - and gave him some peace with questions he had about his health.

I'm also an adoptee, closed adoption like you. First issue is if the health issues of either me or my kids IS actually genetic, not environmental, I cannot handle anymore health problems (or connections to other people's health problems.) Finuto. Finished. No more caring connecting carrying other people's pain & burdens- enough already. If they have the same health problems & I have to meet generations with earlier versions of the same surgery, multiple surgeries, biopsies- pain & scarring emotionally- shoot me now. Just spare me the whole mess. I have enough to carry without their pain & problems.

Also- knowing according to records my birth mother was blue eyed, fair skinned caucasion- who saw the need to adopt me out & not to a cousin or some kin- after she had me with someone quite darker than herself- spare me any remnant racisim. Spare me any survivor's guilt of her own past or repenting liberalesq moment, I'm really probably not in for it. I think it would serve her more than me.

Finally my success is not their success. They contributed nothing & know nothing of it. My children's success will not be their success to celebrate - they have no victory and will own no part of me nor my children's merited awards, victories, publishing, activism, nor accomplishments. It would greatly offend me if someone said, my grandchild is a national merit scholar in the same light they said my bitch's welp is a grand national champion at the dog show. It is about ownership and genetically, they don't own me. They gave me up once, my success & my children's success is something I do not want any biological family to have ownership- like I'm the slave that left (I they think they still own me by what good I've done.)

They don't. & they haven't earned that.

I think with inherent racism they grandly flouted in their union was a half step, not a mistep- however nothing they could continue to walk. I will not be white enough I will not be asian enough I will not be black enough I will not be Italian enough- among the racist inner dialoge that gave me up after keeping me just a little while to see the color of my skin begin- to be white enoug or asian enough or black enough - clearly- to fit in with their skin.

Why would I want to meet these senior citizens again? Didn't they use the experience of exploring the racial possibilites enough already? without giving them - me

particularly my children. I am not giving them my children to experiment on further with remnants of their original racial exploration.

I was conceived pre civil rights during segregation. I am sure my parents thought they were scandalous stuff. But not strong enough. I don't want them. I'm glad they didnt' keep me- by giving me up they said they weren't strong enough & and their decisions to procreate weren't logical, their life wasn't ready, and I'm sure they weren't.

guess what? love isn't free, is it. being family was Not after all unconditional. & I'm not willing to let someone unconditionally into my life I don't think they've earned it. & I really don't think they have anything to offer me. I really don't like the way I was treated. If they have any connections or interesting things to share I don't want to need it or experience it through them, I do not want to be further beholden to them. If they have messed up or had difficult lives I do not want to have someone that gave me away after I didn't fit into their life or family's facial or racial or skin cast like a mirrored mask of themself- ever wanting something or claiming something of me.

that's not family.

I am sorry for your experience. I can see why you would not want to know them. Yet in context of the times, maybe you would be surprised, but that is your decision to make, no one elses.

My son is adopted, and it was semi-open, through LDS< though contact was supposed to end at 1 year and only 1 letter to year 5. We got more info on the birth parents than we were supposed to, and we always knew they wanted more contact.

So when LDS would not let me tell the bm that i had been seriously depressed and that is why I had not written one year, I found her through classmates.com and knowing where my son was born and her unusual name. When I googled her full name, she came right up, then I looked her up. I sent her pictures and explained what they (LDS) had said, and that I never wanted to cut her out of his life.
't
I left it completely up to her what she wanted to do, and I got a letter a few days later. My son is a teenager now, and knows both his birth parents, but has a much closer relationship with his birth father. He has spent time with them both, they are both married now, and their wedding dates are all the same as ours. Weird, I know, since they never knew ours either.

so, for us it has beena blessing to knwo them, but mmostly for him. He sees where he came from he knows why they didn't raise him, and he is part of all the famiies. They did what the church told them mostly, but it is all good. I knwo not everyone turns out that well, but I can't imagine not sharing our lives.

good luck with your search!!

I debated whether or not to adopt out a baby out of wedlock and race was never even on the list. It was drowned out by issues of no money, no home. Had my parents not helped me out, I probably could not have kept him.

You cannot assume all the things that you have described are true. You don't know. These are your feelings and, of course, no one says you can't continue to feel that rejection the rest of your life.

BUT, what if there's a mother out there who still thinks of you, wonders how you are and if you had a happy life. Who prays she'll get to meet you some day. This scenario is as probable as the other. You don't know.

People who avoid reality do so for a good reason. They don't feel strong enough. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that in your own path, you may feel more curiosity than fear of rejection at some future date.

The scenario you describe is so grim, reality has a good chance of being better than that. It can't be worse than you portray, so why not?

Anagrammy

& so, it doesn't make sense. I visited the adoption agency in my twenty years ago, filled out the paperwork, and put a letter in my file. They had me visit and the social pulled my, and my two non bio adopted sibs' files. . . they informed me of the situations in all three adoptions. One sib was a drug baby did drug withdrawal, one sib had married parents & siblings & was adopted out re funds, alcohol and abuse, and then there was me & my story which I won't go into here. However I did find out that in the years between my birth and the day of the interview, there had been no contact by the birth mother with the adoption agency. I left a letter in my file (as the law then allowed). The letter was never picked up or forwarded as it has never been requested. A letter from either bio parent has never been left with the agency, which is still on the same street. While I went out of my way twenty four years ago to reach out, really not again. You know, she might be dead. All the tumors me & my kids have had. Then again, she might not but apparently we will always be living our lives separately.

So you can read it as you will- remember you in fill between the lines emotionally with your own experience of reality - as well.

Open adoption would be the bomb but it takes the people to do it. & it takes the right people. I think thats another thing, I'm jaded by geneology & some people thinking I had a spirtual responsible to do family group sheets & research records on BOTH families, plus my spouse's family. I am just so sick of this whole concept I was raised as the grand daughter of a geneological researched, stake librarian, who ran the stake library out of her home with microfiche machines, visitors & all when the stake library burned down and started the first geneological library in our part of the state (outside of utah.) So this blood my this my that I have a collection of relatives thing is carried to the Nth degree in just revolting me. I was raised with ' my grand mother ran the furniture store when my grandfather was a mission president in Sweden' and I am related to pilgrims that landed at plymouth rock blah blah blah blah I am a daughter of the American Revolution" forever and ever on and on oh my god. Look my ancestors did this __ points out a clipping. Ohh my counsin on this line did that--- just forever. Its just like collecting barbed wire making a collection of memories of people she'd never see- they were all dead, and she was bragging about them to me.
I know my grandma loved me, but wow. like wow. Those people, they would not. I read about the history. I read about culture and attitudes. Hmm either they would have to change their culture and move forward spiritually attitudinally and drop their early century bigotry or they would mmm how would these exciting ancestor relatives of grandma's treat me? This wasn't the best memory. I read slave narratives. It didn't look good. I'm not that dark but still, everyone was upset about my hair.

so I'm not real excited by geneology.

by the way, I am inconvenienced by the way the people who gave me away filled out the forms- the information they stated leaves significant data unknown, making it inconvenient to this day to fill out forms for employers, public records, census, test data. . .so they did have some sort of issue with that. They wouldn't name a country of origin or a country or continent on half my race. LOL
maybe they thought it was a favor? now with racial profiling & ethnic data in the work place, its inconvenient to say the least. How the world changes.

Particularly each person will read with their own emotions as their headlight,their own experiencial details filling in between the lines.

If you were adopted through the church social services, I would not trust for one minute!! that the birth parents never made contact. I think S.Services more "enlightened" now (sometimes) -- but I know for a fact that for many years they would not pass on letters from birth parents or vice versa. Simply threw them in the file and never notified anyone that another party was trying to make contact -- even after telling the person doing the writing that it would be passed on.

The policies and pompous "we-know-better" actions of the church's S.S. was one of those things they helped me start to question the "authority" the church exercises in people's lives. I can't stand them. I watched a documentary the other night about birth father's rights, and the program was very critical of Utah's way of doing things to prevent a birth father from making any claim on the baby. They are known as the worst state for trying to cut the father out of the picture. It's downright fraud in my opinion, and from my past dealings with Soc. Serv., I'm sure the laws were constructed totally to accommodate their policies.

I think - and this is purely from my own experience with my adoption - that the knowledge of rejection/facing the negative reality is just so final. This is one of those situations that, like being BIC, is impossible to really understand unless you're in the situation.

I think paintinginthewin's opinion makes perfect sense, honestly - and if I were in her situation, I know I'd be the same way.

I see her reaction as a way of self-protection. Adoption is an incredibly raw thing. Yes, it can be wonderful, but even in good adoptions (which mine was), there are a LOT of raw emotions, many of which come up time and time again in the weirdest of places (filling out family medical history forms, for example). You're reminded frequently that you're different, that somehow you don't belong. That you're weird.

And people can't fathom why you don't want to find out where you came from, not understanding that many of us have only known our adoptive parents - to us, that IS where we consider where we came from. And that's why it's frustrating.

IMHO, not knowing why I was given up is a much better option than knowing the truth. It really is. Like paintinginthewin, I hear the inner voice of "so why was I not good enough?" from time to time, and I don't think I want that to scream louder when I know the truth.

going up and through a destabilizing activity which further rejection may be, even a form of rejecting love providing I was accepted into someone's life at this late date- its still a negative expression of love, I'll talk to you when we are both able to survive sorrow. I don't know if that won't be destabilizing, and I'm concerned about that.giving someone the chance to express themselves to me, however beautifully or terribly, I'm not sure if it would be safe or take me into a safe place emotionally I don't want to meet the youngest anguish in my soul I would like to dance and learn to play instead. laughing, markers, not meeting mama or searching for an ever elusive mama who when one met would not be a life giving force or positive force necessarily. I think it could be re enacting abuse, possibly with a mediator present, or through a mediating attorney or private agent...to facilitate a positive encounter or outcome. I don't think this is the same as doing a geneology name search, and typing out a paper form which emotionless- this form, this name, talks back, has something to say. I think they can say it to a counselor or attorney or private agent- and that shield or screen can protect me if they are filled with negativity. I don't think I can mediate this myself safely.
So I'm not going to do an individual private search. I would need a mediator & a counselor to facilitate interaction or screen if there would be safe interaction for me. I would set that boundary & think I am worthy of that protecting emotional safety.

BTW I do mean with 22 surgeries in 15 years between my two children & myself, and just having buried my adopted mom after seven years of cancer treatment- I think I really can't take another care giving or care taking roll, and I really think being part of family network including illness like medulary carcinoma within the family playing out- would not be ok for me. I wanted to identify this illness to my bio family so they could avoid illness & found no cooperation from the agency, they had no forward address etc.... and I just burned out. Especially on biopsies & surgeries & web boards about cancers & emails & doctors bills & concerned phone calls. so I mean it when I say if there's significant illness or extended illness in the genetic family I can't do it. I would have liked to communicate it once but the story is done. I think the story I would tell if I met my bio mom would include great tragedy not just tremendous accomplishment, heroism in the face of recovery from tumors & such. . . I don't want to tell such a story to a bio parent who gave me up, was pregnant at great social cost. I think its horrible: yea you know that pregancy you failed to abort? well that was me. uh I've had 13 surgeries for tumors but I write great poems, had lots of love, love trees, collect rocks, am a great facilitator & presenter. & mother. & your descendents, oh well that both had birth defects, I had to change my religion, and both my kids had tumors, one is legally blind part of the time- its a long story. hello. one couldn't walk off and on for years or crawl, has a blood disorder. but despite the pain & fight for to survive, both have thrived intellectually at least-
one works for X corporation developing solar power and planning clean up projects with their science degree, the other preserving archeology sites from development- they are both great contributors; one is an artist they oil paint, the other a jazz brass player.
& I paint occasional murals myself when I'm not working with at risk teens.
The story is exhausting. in some ways its nihilistic. I can't see sharing it with whoever exhausted part of their teen and sacrificed socially ripping out their soul to make me. I can't do it- I can't tell someone how much pain its been to create this life they went through so much for to make. I can't do that to them.
Its not a happy happy story even if we're amazing people, it doesn't fit the American dream. I can't do that to them. Let their sacrifice be and dream some wistful dream that will probably make them happier than the reality- of birth defects, serum spilling painful blood disorders, legal blindness, a tumor watch- with artistic creative beautiful people all with university degrees serving the planet. I just- its too paradoxical. Its not a smiley face on a chart life. that paradox contradicts the richness the vast chasm of pain generates a mailstrom of brilliant light joy streaming like tentacles through my fingers across the medical table waking up, seeing my children, touching my grandchild, holding a warm coffee cup, hearing the dryer tumble sofly comfortably, joy just pounds sometimes like rays streaming through the clouds breaking against the mountains after a rain.

How can I my biological mother about that?

I certainly hope this is part of your creative life, paintinginthewin. I hope you find some time for peace and reflection away from the whirlwind of survival and duty.

You did put yourself out there with the letters in the file. There's a good chance with your health history that your bioparents have passed on. Given the scene you provide, Lord, I'm tired just reading it! I hope you are resting with your feet up.

In any case, any mother would be proud of you and I am offering myself as your foster grammy if you need one.

Best

Anagrammy

I really appreciate all of your responses...especially from adoptees and from parents who placed children for adoption...

Thanks so much...

Any of you, including mothers who placed their children, please email me @ lostmysticrfm@gmail.com

It would really help give me perspectives from different angles.

Not one year went by that I didn't quietly celebrate her birth. I had a hole in my heart for 22 years.

There have been some rough times, as with any relationship. She was raised mormon and many parts of her thoughts and life mirrored mine. She was in a bad place with her adoptive parents. Over the years I have tried to help her gain perspective and find peace of mind.

Her first question was why didn't you want me?
And the conversation began....

That's my burning question as well...

Especially since they kept the first 4.

I was only 18, had no job, no marriage, no prospects. In the end, I couldn't do it (and I'm so grateful that I managed to raise a fine young man with all the strikes against us). I do know that if I HAD given him up for adoption, I would have been overjoyed for him to contact me later in life. However, I have a friend who had her adopted daughter contact her in her twenties and she really wasn't comfortable with that -- I think she was actually embarrassed because her daughter seemed to be more self confident and successful than she was. So I think the contact thing is iffy and rejection is a possibility -- but at least you'll know.

You must try if you are at all curious. I sure would be. This is odd that YOU were adopted and none of the others were...or so far as you know. Many older moms actually like the contact being made by the child rather than them. So it may work out just fine.

I listed on as many free internet search sites as I could find since the church or state were useless.

I then left it to her if she wanted to find me. I had decided when I placed her that I would respect her life.
I heard from her 3 months later.

She is bi-racial and had so many unanswered questions.
She was born a bit before the big revelation so there were lots of disgusting actions on the churches part concerning her placement.