It seems like an eternity ago since I last posted. This past April my parents and husband of 29 years staged an "intervention" for me in an attempt to bring me back to the gospel. During this intervention my husband made it clear to me that he wants no part of our marriage unless I am a believer sitting next to him in the pew on Sunday mornings. We have been separated since then.

My heart is broken, and not a day goes by that I don't cry from the pain. To this day he has given no other reason for his desire to divorce. His fury and rage have become terrifying. I thought I knew him, but I recognize nothing about him now.

For months he has demanded divorce, but failed to file. (I have no idea why.) He is kind one day, cruel the next. Until as recent as last week I believed it might be resolved. He has wagged me around emotionally like a rag doll jerking first one way then another.

It took me until last week to realize that church or no church, I can't go back and live, love, and trust this man ever again. I called an attorney, and Thursday I filed for divorce. I cried on the drive to the apt, held it together during the meeting, and oddly enough was elated when I left. Since we don't talk much he is not aware that I filed.

I have thought often of "outsidetheflock"s recommendation in May "Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket" There is such truth in such a simple statement.

For 10 years I havent submitted a letter of resignation out of 'respect' for my believing husband. But the time has come for me to take the key to my happiness back. I have composed my letter of resignation based on the suggested letter posted on the board. I intend to send a copy to both my local bishop and Membership records by certified mail.

I want to do it now, so that my marriage divorce and my separation from the church occur at approximately the same time. (60-90 days)

I have no illusions about the church keeping my resignation private. My concern is my husband is becoming increasingly enraged. He has not become physically violent yet, but I think he is teetering on the brink. His behavior is becoming increasingly irrational to the point I can't help wonder if he has a brain tumor or something.

Should I wait until the divorce is final or mail the letter now. If he desires to harm or kill me no restraining order or divorce decree can protect me now or then.

I am asking for insight that might be obvious to you and just too close for me to see. I want to be free of both marriage and church but not at the cost of my life.

Thanks

Welcome to the fold. I'm sorry your husband has chosen the church over his loving wife. Talk about a "family" oriented church. I was in the opposite situation years ago, my wife was leaving me because I couldn't take her through the temple (among many other sagas too numerous to mention). I was lucky and she came to her senses. I'm sorry your husband makes his love conditional upon your participation in a cult.

Anyhow, I don't know about the timing of it, but I would suggest if you're going to go through the hassle of mailing it via certified letter, you may as well get it notarized while you're at it. This is legal proof that you are who you say you are in the letter, and may speed up the resignation process because they don't have to hunt you down to make really, really sure you want to dwell in Outer Darkness (Box Elder county) for eternity.

Whether you do it before or after your divorce, it's very likely your attorney has a Notary at their disposal and should be willing to provide their services free of charge (assuming they're not mormon). If not there, your local bank or credit union might do it for free or for a small fee. It's really easy to do and looks much more scary and formal on that resignation letter.

Good luck, and best wishes on the journey out of mormonism.

Your safety comes first. Get away from him asap and focus on the divorce. Have 0 tolerance. Call the cops if things might get dangerous. After the separation you can deal with your LDS membership.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there any friend you can stay with? Also you didn't mention if you have kids or not. If you do not feel safe I would get out of there either way and take the kids with you if you have them. You can talk to your local women's refuge for help. I am very proud if you for filing for divorce and drafting your letter. You sound like a brave and smart woman. I say move in with a friend, buy a gun,and maybe wait to file your resignation until you see what his reaction is to moving. Protect yourself first and foremost!

You also know what you don't want. No need to spend more energy on that. Get your divorce and resign from the church. You are born again. Awesome. Celebrate and try not to look back.

I admire you for making it through the maze of deceptions.

Keep us posted...

Take care of yourself physically while you go through the grieving process. Listen to your body.

You'll be grieving the loss of your marriage and of your former religion.

It'll get worse before it gets better, but you aren't alone.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice Susan. My son (grown and living independently) just called me. He has been listening to his fathers rants and is becoming increasingly worried for my safety. I don't want to abandon my home for fear he will reclaim residence. But you are absolutely correct I can no longer be alone with him. (My son just said the same thing.) Thanks for the advice.

Get outta there NOW. Go clean out the bank acct but dont "close" it, as if he suspects something is up, he may do it instead of you. Money is the one way he can hold you "hostage" and try to control you. You are your own person, and contrary to what he says and does, he does NOT own you. Move as far away from that place as you can. Get as much cash as you can right before you leave. YOu may want to look into any womens shelters as you can and talk to a counselor at one of these shelters. They can help you to move on with your life and get away from that mess. As far as getting cash for yourself,you could do this by ATM if needed. Dont leave a forwarding address.Dont use a landline IF he calls you, as he would be able to know what area code you are in courtesy of caller ID. You need to be incognito and lay low under the radar for a while why you are reestablishing your new life. I hope that this helps ya.

that the most dangerous time is when they understand you are really leaving. When they know they have lost control. A restraining order lets them know you are serious and you WILL go to the cops. And if they violate it gives the cops a real basis to lock them up, even if it is not for long. Don't see him alone in a private place if you can help it. Document ALL violent or aggressive acts.

Some times it is better safe than sorry.

It's always better safe than sorry...

Make sure your location is hidden and he does not know where you are.

You've filed for divorce, let that take it's course. If he gets violent, or makes threats, keep voice mails, etc, and get a TRO immediately.

Then resign your membership from the LDS Church.

I suggest this order so he doesn't make your divorce about your resignation. It's just one more thing to fire him up. The resignation can be done by email. Once they receive it, you are no longer a member. (I'm misplaced the contact info, someone on the board will probably post it.)

He is clearly dangerously unstable, probably needs some kind of therapy or medication. But most likely thinks he is OK and doesn't need any of it.His religion is the framework for his psychological issues.

In a weird sort of way it is possible that the opposite could happen. Sometimes abusive people don't really recognize that their behavior can eventually push others to act.

Your choice to take the initiative could even trigger a flood of backpeddling and lovebombing.

The last thing an abuser wants in the end is the absence of an object to abuse.

Keep this in mind and and prepare yourself in case this scenario emerges. You don't want to unwittingly be talked out of your resolve!

We are here for you, please stay in touch.

I live in Texas. I have no idea what it takes to get a restraining order. Do I have to have proof of threats or what? I don't have anything on tape and while I know my son would record my husband I don't want him involved in the conflict nor do I want him at risk.

I have never understood why if he wants the divorce so badly he wouldn't file. I have no illusion that this is just a passing whim for him. He is extremely serious about getting divorced and can't wait to be free of me. He reminds me of a wild animal on a leash that will do anything to get off restraints. What will he do when he finds out I filed?

It is clear that your husband IS abusive. It is amazing how people (men OR women!) can be abusive, yet can think or pretend that they are the saint and that their wife/husband is the sinner!

These links might be able to offer you some help:-
http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.mocosheriff.com/dyncat.cfm?catid=4505
Probably NOT your local sheriff, but the site has several Texas-wide helpline links.

And do remember, as this is a world wide board, there's usually someone here.

By the way... your husband is flying into rages? Could he have a secret alcohol problem? Or perhaps a steroid problem? Does he do body-building, for example?

If not, it might be a good idea to get one.

My husband is no body builder at 350+ pounds. I dont THINK he drinks primarily because he flies into a rage if I have a glass of wine. I have heard that diabetics often have incredible mood swings and rages prior to diagnosis and management of the disease. But I don't know if that's true. He has always had anger management issues, but never physically violent. But lately his rage is becoming an all encompassing fury. His hatred of me is irrational. I am now the cause of everything wrong in his life, and must be omnipotent because I apparently I control everything. Things are ramping up quickly with him, and the next step will be physical.

I don't have a valid passport, and hadn't even considered getting one. BUT...if he doesn't have one and I do, leaving the country can be the only safe place for me. Thanks for the suggestion, it hadn't occurred to me.

He is acting so horrible to push you to file so he can say to his girlfriend, "She left the church and divorced me. Satan has her. I did everything I could--I prayed and prayed."

Forget about the resignation. Take things one step at a time to keep the stress to a minimum in your life. The last thing you need is love-bomb attempts while you are holed up waiting for your papers to come through. There is plenty of time to resign and like the one poster said, why bundle the two.

Getting a divorce and leaving the Mormon religion should stay separate in your own mind for your future mental health. You want your resignation to be a wonderful, successful act of a woman who is choosing her own path--no longer submissive, no longer a cipher. It should be accompanies by symbolic beverages (a jigger of coffee and one of wine, LOL) and a little celebration.

Whereas, your divorce needs immediate attention. You are in danger from a man who is cracking up--instead of throwing gas on him, get the restraining order and ask him to control his emotions for the sake of the children. Fear is gasoline to Mormons and they can do desperate and even violent things to keep their children away from Satan. (yeah, nuts)

You have to be the calm one here because you are the one in reality. You will be the primary parent going forward and being calm while chaos rages around you will be a frequent experience! Not a bad one, I have to say, it strengthens you just like being a hero at the scene of an auto accident.

This also will help your son to respect you as you refuse to lower yourself to his level. I am sending peace, light and love your way Sister Single MOther Exmo and you are joining a group of some of the most wonderful, courageous women I personally have ever met.

Best

Anagrammy

You are so very right. Two separate passages to freedom will be so much better than one. It sounds like my best approach is to lay very low and always keep an exit available. Thank you so much for all the support and suggestions.

One final question, if I die before the letter is sent, can my son send the letter posthumously?

Get as far away from him and outta that state asap. He's gonna end up hurting you or even worse IF you stay there. I left in 2009 and even though it seemed like I was going to be forever trapped in Mormonism, lies, and a bad marriage with a Jack Mormon, I took a 2 year "break" from life in general in order to get my head together. I am divorced, but I just started working again, so honey, there IS life after Mormonism, divorce, and it is a good thing that you see the truth behind the "Church of Lies."Sometimes in life, you just gotta jump in and take a chance. I mean as far as letting go of the way things were and looking forward to the future. As far as the job, I did NOT have a job to go to when I left UT, and I ended up moving in with a family friend when I arrived at my destination. Sometimes life has some strange twists and turns, and in the end, everything does work out for the best. I guess I am living proof of that. As far as the ex, well, He was cheating on me while we were married. Maybe I ignored the signs. He married her in 2002 and I just found out through a reliable source that she dumped him last summer, so, Karma will take care of you, It really will.