I wish this board could do a poll, but it can't.

I'd like to survey the board for exposure to suicide attempts while in the mission.

Please respond with what you saw or personally went through. You can obviously choose multiple options.

1. I knew a missionary who thought about suicide
2. I knew a missionary who attempted suicide
3. I knew a missionary who committed suicide
4. I thought about suicide
5. I attempted suicide

1,2,4,5

And immediately afterwards.

While I heard stories of missionaries committing suicide, I never knew any of them personally.

However, I also met a few guys a couple years ago who did actually attempt on their missions. All of these guys happened to be gay, so it wasn't shocking in the least.

Okay, suicide is a serious matter. It might eventually be the way I go out when I'm old, sick and broke. But on my mission? No. I was miserable most of the time, maybe even on the verge of serious depression, but I never thought of killing myself. No missionaries died while I was on my mission, so #3 can be ruled out. As for #1 and #2, there might have been, but I never heard about it. I didn't keep in touch with anyone post-mission, so I don't know what might have happened in the decades since.

I knew one suicide attempt. He was gay and they sent him home. I ran into him after the mission, didn't get a chance to know him well,but he was out of the church and happy!

#4 for me. It was one of the most hopelessly desperate times of my life. I didn't try it because it would've hurt my (nevermo) family too much. Also I figured it would be a big hassle to send my body back to the states and I didn't want to be buried alone in S. America.

Never thought about it myself, but when I was a TBM youth my Sunday school teacher once told us during a lesson that he had had to be talked down from throwing himself off a bridge somewhere in Canada whilst on his mission! When I casually mentioned it to my mom, needless to say she went ballistic! He was released soon after that I recall!

1,2,4

My cousin walked in front of a bus on his mission in 2004. His companion / law enforcement thought it was a horrible accident until they found a note that he'd left on his pillow about what he was going to do. In the note, he stated that he never wanted to go on a mission, but due to family/ward pressure, threat if being disowned by my aunt and uncle, he did. He said he knew that coming home early would embarrass his family, especially his mother and he didnt want that, so he did this.

My other cousin, his brother, talked about suing my aunt and the ward leadership for this, as a wrongful death, saying they were the cause, but alas, this is Utah and no lawyer would touch it.

sad.

One of the most soulless, idiotic commonplaces that one still hears in the church. Fanaticism at its most moronic and inhumane.

2.

In the MTC 1978 one of the guys in my group tried to kill himself with an overdose of valium. I actually drove him to the hospital.. yes.. the dude at the counter let me take the MTC car.. he didn't know what else to do.

He was discharged the next day.. and received a medical release about 1 week later.

Been there, done that! 4 and 5 anyway while I was "living" in UT!! Was very unhappy there!

I know a man who attempted suicide in response to an unhappy life, mostly related to the church. He even called the branch president from ICU once he was off of the breathing machine a few days later...he was touch and go for a long time. His kidneys shut down and they couldn't get his blood pressure high enough to deliver oxygen to his organs for a while.

He never served a mission...

The branch prez and the patient's family never came to the hospital.

Oh wait...that was me ;)

Damn branch prez told me off...saying it was due to sin and that I needed to repent.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2011 11:00PM by Lost Mystic.

That you went through that. I'm glad you're here!

Sorry Lost Mystic.... The lack of compassion demonstrated by your branch president is astounding. I'm glad you're still with us!

I appreciate y'alls concern, but the experience taught me a few lessons.

1. I have nobody but myself...my wife and her family left me to die alone.
2. After I survived I went past suicidal...it was strange...I had no more fear of anything.
3. I hit a point of total awareness and beauty standing in pouring rain...and realized every moment is precious, and every moment is full of choice.


My wife is torn between the old and new me. She is happy that I'm not a depressed heap, but gets upset that I'm almost untouchable and unapologetic...

I have total control over myself now...no religion or person can make me doubt myself or my decisions.

If I die now, so be it...

I'm not afraid of flying anymore...I'm not scared of spiders anymore...

Im not afraid of death...

I'm only afraid of shit related to my adoption....which is bizarre but I'm working on it :)

When I arrived at my mission they APs were taking one elder back to slc in a straight jacket.
Mission had a fricken straight jacket on hand.

The top 2 APs escorted him out of the mission home with an overcoat over his shoulders, sleeves tucked into the pockets and buttoned so you could not see the straitjacket. They escorted him home to the slc airport to his waiting parents.

I could not figure out why or how that could happen until I was out for a while and saw what a soul sucking mind f**k religion lds is that it could take happy, open, joyful young men and turn them in to mind numbing morgbots.

I never wanted to kill myself but I did want to run away for
730 days.

#4 came around shortly after my mission and has continued to resurface periodically. Looking back, going on a mission was the biggest mistake I ever made...I should have just stayed away but what did I know then? I thought I was in for some serious spiritual growth with like-minded individuals but I was way off. At least my eyes were opened and I can now see the mission field for the farce it is.

I transferred to the U of Utah.

A lot of girls in the BYU dorms were depressed. They were worried that they would never find a husband. That was the one and only way to salvation in TSCC. Some were afraid of disappointing their TBM parents. Some were hopeless, that they would never have a life, unless they found a husband. Time was running out for some of them, as graduation was approaching.

I had to get away from all that.

My cousin attempted suicide on his mission, by swallowing a corrosive substance, that burned his intestines. He left a note, but the church lied about it, and said he had several "intestinal problems" which made him too sick to serve a mission.

These suicide attempts are COVERED UP, people. Our neighbor boy supposedly was sent home from his mission to get knee surgery, and was going to return right afterwards. He even gave a homecoming talk in sacrament meeting. He never did have knee surgery, but took an overdose of drugs, instead.

The bishop's daughter came home from her mission after 9 months, gave a beautiful talk in sacrament meeting, and admitted herself to a psychiatric hospital.

I have to tell you my mission was the most miserable I have ever felt up until that time in my life. I had gone to BYU as a 17 year old and felt miserable and left after a semester because I could not stand the misery, but I could at least leave. At that time I had not realized the misery came from the church. I remember being miserable at church on Sundays, but after I had been home for 3 hours that feeling left.

The mission was a beast full of depression, desperation, misery and a monster trying to literally take your very identity, your soul away from you. It's like one of the Dementors from Harry Potter. The pressure to serve mission is HUGE. For a woman not yet married by 21 the pressure is HUGE to go and look like you are doing something worthwhile. To come home early is to die. You cannot come home because you want to, you have to be sick or dead.

The daily control from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed, the endless amount of energy you give and yet you have no control over your finances and you are not paid. You are being sucked like a vampire sucks your blood. You either give your time, and agree to be broke financially, and to be abused by your Mission President for not performing well enough or you face a lifetime of expulsion from your family and friends. It is not a joke.

Remember, you don't get even an ounce of "yourself". You cannot be alone, you cannot masturbate, you cannot have an evening when you are "off duty". You have to memorize hundreds of scriptures, you are not allowed any contact with your family and friends except in letters. (Email was not available when I went). They take your passport when you arrive. You cannot leave the country on a foreign mission.

You are also put in sometimes horrible conditions in dangerous areas where you have no business being in. you are always unarmed physically and emotionally. You are not allowed to talk openy and honestly with your companion. You cannot be You at all. If you are exhausted you can't take a nap. If you are angry you must suppress it.

A mission is torture.

I almost lost my mind, the only reason I didn't is because I knew if I did my parents would have control over me the rest of my life. I couldn't allow that. I finished my time as if I were completing a prison sentence.