My mother was talking to my brother's nevermo MIL on the phone, and I heard her say, "Since March, Faboo's life...it, well, I shouldn't say it *derailed*, but she gave up on the life path she'd chosen for herself."
She said that right in front of me, too, and it made me really uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure my brother's SIL saw right through it. She likely knows that my parents withdrew financial support *they* previously offered to *me* (in other words, I never asked or approached them about it, and they never outlined any conditions outside of "do well in school") while I was studying alone in a foreign country -- all because I was having some honest issues with their church.
I realize she was likely referring to church, but someone approaching it from a more secular point of view (like the MIL) would interpret it as meaning I just gave up on my studies for no reason. Not only that, but just the way she worded it bothered me. I mean, this "life path" was chosen for me when I was 8 years old, for crying out loud!
Anyway, it made me wonder what she tells other people. I want to approach her about it and let her know that saying things like that is NOT okay with me, but I don't want to pick a fight, either. Using "I" statements is usually a good start, but my mom will fly off the handle at the drop of a hat, especially lately since she's been under a lot of stress. Should I just leave it alone?
Has things like this ever happened to anyone? What did you do about it?
Thanks.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2011 05:07PM by faboo.
Your mom is out of like to speak about you that way. Enemies are nicer and more tactful than she is.
Wonder if it would help to tell her you don't appreciate this kind of badmouthing. Perhaps ask how she would feel if you spoke of her in such negative terms. If she says she's only seeking advice, ask her how she'd feel if you sought advice about her in this same despicable way.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2011 06:07PM by Cheryl.
I say call her on it and then do not interact or be around her for a while. She needs to apologize and start treating you as an adult.
You really do not need people like her in your life. She might change but I really doubt she will. Still, set up some boundaries and stick to them. If she wants you in her life she will cease dissing on you. As she shows she really wants a relationship with you, set and state your boundaries to her again.
Her love should be about accepting you where you are and saying supportive kind things to you and about you. You get to set the rules about how you will be treated. If she can't accept that, love her from a distance. Right now, she is not a positive influence in your experience.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2011 06:23PM by dane.
The way she said it could lead people to think you are lying in a gutter with a needle in your arm and a bottle in your hand. I would talk to her about it and let her know you do not appreciate it,particularly since it could be taken in ways she didn't intend .
This happened to me yesterday! I posted about it on here to feel better and I'm moving on. To my mom and family my leaving the church is devastating and they need people to talk to just as we come here and need someone to talk to. That being said, since she was talking to a relative (my mom just wrote to my old seminary teacher) and what she said put you in a pretty negative light and left a lot of interpretation up to your brothers MIL, I would tell her it's not ok and that you consider yourself to finally starting your own life path, not one picked for you as a child.
I can see your concern for your mother's stress. On the other hand -- that's as inappropriate as all get out.
Me, I'm not one to ignore something like that, and if she's stressed then maybe she should learn a little compassion for others in the same shoes.
How about: "Mom, how would you like it if I talked about your choice to remain in a destructive cult like that right in front of you?"
And if she tries to turn it into a victimization thing just repeat as often as needed: "I am entitled to the same level of respect and understanding as you would like. The 11th Article of Faith says that everyone is supposed to worship how they choose. Please don't be judgemental and critical of me right in front of my face and please stop trying to force me into your religion. All this does is drive me even further away."
While the way she worded things to my brother's MIL bothered me, it suddenly occurred to me that she may legitimately feel that I "gave up my life's path", rather than trying to purposely misrepresent what happened. She's not the type to lie to people, but she *does* convince herself that things happened a certain way, even if her ideas are sometimes wildly inaccurate. She has a very reactive personality (she once admitted as much to me).
I know she has the best intentions, which is why I don't want to cut her off or limit interactions with her, or make her feel like her feelings don't matter. On the other hand, what she says to people troubles me. Of course, americangirl406 makes a point that she likely needs to vent about things as much as I do.
Actually, she told me she talked to church people about what I did (omitting the part about cutting off help with school in response, of course). Several of the families she talked to had "apostate" children of their own, and their responses were mostly things like, "At least your child didn't flunk out of school and land herself in jail like our son did", or "at least she didn't run off with a man you've never met without breathing a word to anyone like our daughter did", or "at least your kid doesn't scream at you about how you're in a cult like ours does". I'd hope that would help her put things into perspective, but I suppose not.
I may talk to my brother a little and see what he thinks, since he's been down this path before. I'd like to address my concerns, but not in a way that causes unnecessary drama or invalidates her hurt feelings.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2011 01:51AM by faboo.
it would have been appropriate to redial the person she was talking to and set the record straight. In front of your mother, if she was still there.
"I feel I need to correct something my mother told you. She led you to believe that I chose to quit my program. The truth is that she withdrew financial support because I would not attend church."
Your mother is a sick woman. But I think you need to be firm in telling her that you don't want to be gossiped about, especially if she is rewriting the story to make you sound like a screw-up.
Tell her that if she insists on rewriting history and spreading the story to cast herself as the sorrowful mother of a screwup, you have the right to set the record straight, but telling everyone they backed out on their pledge to help you through your program.
She sounds like the type who wants to look good to other people. At your expense.