My posts on a related thread gave me the idea to share this...

I hope people who are considering suicide can learn from my experience. I've had 6 friends and 1 family member commit suicide.

To save space and typing issues with my iPhone I copied and pasted my other posts...

I attempted suicide in response to an unhappy life, mostly related to the church. I even called the branch president from ICU once I was off of the breathing machine a few days later...i was touch and go for a long time. My kidneys shut down and they couldn't get my blood pressure high enough to deliver oxygen to my organs for a long while.

the experience taught me a few lessons.

1. I have nobody but myself...my wife and her family, and my family left me to die alone. I had no visitors but co-workers at the hospital I worked at. No friends came either...

2. After I survived I went past suicidal...it was strange...I had no more fear of anything.
3. I hit a point of total awareness and beauty standing in pouring rain...and realized every moment is precious, and every moment is full of choice.


My wife is torn between the old and new me. She is happy that I'm not a depressed heap, but gets upset that I'm almost untouchable and unapologetic...

I have total control over myself now...no religion or person can make me doubt myself or my decisions.

If I die now, so be it...

I'm not afraid of flying anymore...I'm not scared of spiders anymore...

Im not afraid of death...

I'm only afraid of shit related to my adoption....which is bizarre but I'm working on it :)

The branch prez my family never came to the hospital.

Damn branch prez told me off...saying it was due to sin and that I needed to repent.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2011 12:00AM by Lost Mystic.

It sounds like you're in a good place now. I enjoyed reading your story, and wish you continued happiness ((hugs))

Lol...the spider thing was a major trigger at first for my wife to see my change. She had filed for divorce and left me (I obviously wasn't in a good place), but she wanted me back a while after the rain experience. Later, a spider was crawling on and then near me and I just watched it in awe... She was floored...normally I would run and get her to smash it...lol

She knew then that I was completely different.

I still had moments where my life felt like it was falling...when I lost belief in TSCC...but it was a journey where I wasn't a victim anymore...I felt lost buy not hopeless.

I'm glad you weren't successful and are here with us today. As for your wife and family and Branch president, what a- holes. I believe in karma. They will get theirs, bad karma begets bad karma.
Keep doing well. Live well, laugh often, love much, it's the best revenge. Peace out.

I can relate to this.

Mine comes from my PTSD.

all I can say is that Mormons better hope there is no God, because if there is they are in big trouble.

I am glad your are still with us as well. Thanks for sharing.

Sometimes you have to be untouchable, and that's ok. Having a new perspective on life is such a good thing because it strips you down to what really matters. There are so many worthwhile things in this life. Embrace the freedom to acknowledge and experience them. Love others and help those who can't help themselves.

This is a personal and very deep subject to me...I hesitated to participate in this thread, due to feelings of guilt, but decided if it helped someone else, I need to share. After survival there can be many changes. Mine were not being afraid of death, staying aways from the stressor that trigger such behaviors, and frankly this board and the many good people here. I never had anyone to talk to, the morg did that to me. I could not be perfect so I thought I would be better off somewhere else. Anywhere... I never thought about family, only the pain I was in, emotionally. After quad bypass I felt that things were pretty much over anyway, and I had the power to decide when to live and how to die. I do, but there is a new day, when the sun comes up, and there are new things to learn and do. I hope that the many who read this post can learn something from the rest of us who have been there....talk with someone, use this board, times will get better, and many of us know how you feel. It may be so painful, but hang in there...

Mormonism’s big selling point is that membership, participation and obedience to the “God spell” will bring happiness to the member, and when the that doesn't happen they don't want to be associated with the sink that might be traced back to them.

They want to fall back on the same propaganda that they use on exiting members, must be sinning, not doing our religion in the prescribed manner, prideful, disobedient etc, except in this case it would be bad form to speak ill of the person so they just disassociate.

I haven't attempted suicide--but at a few times in my life I just wanted to cease to exist and suicide according to mormonism meant damnation. Death didn't seem to be an escape.

I agree with untouchable and unapologetic--but those things came years after my worse depression. Actually, I was homicidal and suicidal as I was going to take my kids with me.

BUT--it was my parents' deaths that brought me to untouchable and unapologetic.

Again--thanks for sharing!

My opinion is very unpopular. I believe suicide is the single, most selfish act a person can commit. It leaves everyone soul searching and asking "what could I have done more?". Others actually blame themselves for the horror. It's devastating to those that love the person and totally mind altering.

My brother committed suicide in 2003 and I'm still haunted by it.

Just sayin'...

Ron

But this is only my opinion because I stated some things a few years back about my feelings on the subject and I was called on it--so this is just my opinion.

At the time I considered suicide/homicide--my ex had left me and he and his boyfriend were being extremely abusive and he wasn't giving me any money for OUR house and kids, my finances were so bad you can't begin to imagine, my dog was run over in front of me (one of the things that had been keeping me going)--the list goes on and on.

It was at the time Andrea Yates killed her children. I obviously couldn't go through with it. For me--my son asked me once why I would think of killing him and I had to think about it for a long time. He did get it when he made his own suicide attempts a few years ago (he actually disassociated--and I found him one of the times he attempted it--his twin sister found him the other time).

For me--sending my kids back to God (I still believed in him then--don't know what I believe now)--felt like a better thing to do than try to protect them from the pain of this life at the age of 10--when I couldn't even protect them from their own father. For me--I just wanted relief. I didn't tell anyone. For me, I wasn't in my right mind. I was in my own little world in so much pain that I just needed relief.

I don't know how I made it out of there--but I did.

Mormonism stole HOPE from me in more ways than one. When I finally allowed myself to accept they were wrong, I got hope back.

I agree with you. Yet when I reached the suicidal mindset, I was not thinking clearly. I honestly believed that I was going to be doing everyone a favor.

It wasn't until after I survived that I realized how psychotic my thinking had been...

I'm sorry to hear about your brother :(

Ron, sorry about your brother. Those still living have no responsibility for someone that kills themselves....Suicide is a desperate person doing a desperate thing to relieve themselves of inner pain, not outer pain caused by others. Anyone with that much pain coming from the inside must relieve it. It has nothing to do with anyone else...Noone else is responsible and noone else could stop it. Those left behind tend to evaluate what could they have done. The answer is nothing....they could block the single attempt, but the determined person will soon find away around it and......get her done... Be at peace concerning your brother...been there done that...it is noone's fault...just pain so painful that one MUST act..all rationality is gone and nothing is going to stop the determined person....spoting inside emotional pain is nearly impossible...the person could appear happy, smiling, etc..........then suddenly wihtout warning...they are gone...it is one of life's greatest mysteries, but life goes on...the living must go on....when we attempt it we have long forgot any values systems, families, society, friends, loved ones.....we just sent crazy for a short time, with no usual warnings...it is not meant to hurt anyone or be selfish, but just to stimply end pain....Be at peace, there was nothing you did or could have done....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2011 10:09AM by get her done.

this from lost mystic:
"It wasn't until after I survived that I realized how psychotic my thinking had been..."
most of "us" are not psychotic...
i cant imagine suicide either....but when i see some people in total pain... psychologically or physically with no releif in sight.... well who am i to judge them for their actions??? just sayin!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2011 10:11AM by bignevermo.