I'm back to mostly lurking, after gathering my courage and posting here and there. I don't say much, but I wanted to tell you all how much I gain from these boards. It's hard to articulate how helpful you all are and how much it impacts my morale. I learn so much from you all! I get a lot of good laughs, I grieve when I hear about marriages breaking up or someone's health problems (and even more so when reading about the senior missionary killed in the house fire - that remains with me still). I get excited when I hear exit stories and triumphs, and I can't wait to share mine, when the time comes. I read material that brings up angles I never would have come up with on my own - that broadens my thinking and gives me deeper understanding. Thanks, everyone. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2011 09:56PM by introvertedme.

drinks sound wonderful right now. I'll be right back.....

:) I don't drink (but don't think I haven't thought about it), but I get what you're saying. And thanks, Rodolfo. :)

I'd love to hear more from you whenever you're ready to share.

Glad to see a new post from you! I know you and I got off to a pretty rocky start, but I really do count you as a friend. :)

Ditto, Mike. :)

Thanks, Cheryl (LOVED the video clip of you and Jerry, BTW!) and Soft Machine. I love these boards so much. I don't contribute much, but I so love to read other peoples' perspectives, frustrations, joys, and funny experiences. I never, ever saw myself leaving the church - it's just...what you do, right? Once I was done, though, I was REALLY done and I'll never look back. I still struggle with how to leave, yet respect and honor the work some of our children have put into the church through service and such - that's a struggle I'll probably always have to work on. It's not enough of a struggle, though, for me to stay in the church and live a lie. I feel so much relief from stepping away from it! I had a weird...dream? daydream? I don't know - something like that anyway - it was an analogy that helped me see things as they really are. It's not a great analogy or anything, but it gave me a bit of perspective.

I was at or close to some kind of a mall situation. It was an insulated, enclosed, self-sufficient sort of complex, with lots of shops and places to go. People were hustling and bustling around, going from shop to shop, talking to each other, hurrying, and feeling very busy, important, and necessary as they made the rounds of this chaotic, pressurized sort of situation. Then, somehow, I was farther from this mall/self-enclosed shopping situation and I saw it in a different light - I was standing where maybe a parking lot would be, although I was a bit farther away than that. I watched everyone hurry and scurry around while I stood there silently. Everything there seemed so important, everyone needed to interact, the shops were really necessary, and life seemed so busy. Everyone had to do this thing or go to that place, and it was all at a fairly high rate of speed.

Then I turned around and saw this incredibly panoramic vista behind me. It was a horizon with low mountains, some color in the sky, and not much else. No one was in sight and it was very quiet. I turned back around and looked at the hustling, bustling mass in the insulated "mall", then turned around again and looked at this lovely view. It was very peaceful and was as though the world was spread out before me - a new world that had nothing to do with scurrying here and there doing self-described "important" things. The differences between the two views was incredibly stark - the wide horizon was hopeful and beautiful, as if I had a whole new world to look forward to, one that was extraordinarily different from what I was used to. The cool, calm, serene outlook was so inviting - so many possibilities, so many experiences to be had, and my own course to chart. I didn't have to jump into the proverbial hamster wheel any more. Everything the people were doing in the mall-type situation seemed so necessary, and it was so important to do it quickly - visit as many shops as you could, talk to as many people as necessary, hurry up, go here, run there! But the other view gave me a different world to look forward to. I remember turning my back, quite deliberately, on that mall and walking away. It was so easy to step out of that insulated, false world and move toward...I didn't know. I still don't know. But, I do know it held experiences and learning I could do at my own pace and on my own terms. I remember feeling so badly that all those people in the insulated world couldn't or wouldn't see it and how much they were missing out on because they were so focused on their supposedly important tasks. I wanted to shout at them - "Look! Look out here! Look what awaits", but I didn't. I just had an overwhelming feeling of sadness, but relief as well.

Crazy, huh? It's not even subtle in it's imagery, but that's the dream or thought process I had, imperfect as it was. That was a few months ago and it's still strong in my mind. So, I love reading the information on these boards because it all helps me, in big ways and small, to continue to chart my own course, slow down and figure out who I REALLY am and what is actually important to me, and how to see through bulls*** and never be controlled or manipulated again.

Freedom. It is beautiful. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2011 05:12PM by introvertedme.

Oh, and Cheryl - the minute I resign I'll be on here telling you my name, how to find me on FB, where I live, and other details that probably won't be too interesting, but that will be liberating to share. :)

(Except the facebook part which I haven't bothered with as yet.)

Take care. : )

I'd love to!

I love this place. Being able to share my feelings on here really helps big time.

You weren't. No worries at all - we're good. :) Everyone is passionate about what they believe. Frankly, it will be odd for me to have dinner with you and your man because I've been solidly against gay rights. Yet, having said that, I guess I'm back to square one with what I know and don't know. Nothing I've taken for granted and believed is allowed in my life any more - I'm reexamining everything, bit by bit, and trying to find out what I REALLY think rather than what other people TOLD me to think. It's a learning process I'll always be dealing with. I'm allowed - it's only been me, really, who has not allowed myself to think for myself and reason through things in my own way. I still feel what I feel, but I'm slowly learning to have a more open mind. Who knows where that will lead.

So, dinner will be fun. Interesting. Maybe challenging? But I look forward to it. :)

imalive - couldn't agree more. :)

But I just want to be held and cuddle.

I just want to screw.

Relax, it's a video of 6 dancers. They are really good, by the way. elderborracho's statement reminded me of the song.

http://youtu.be/yVNS2e79xgQ

I felt like I was at a rave and was missing my pacifier and a whole bunch of X. Nice little beat and some hidden talent amongst some asian nevermos (or possibly mos) who knows?