Meronis came out of the heavens and presented me with Platinum plates. I've translated them and written a book. Here is a brief run down of my business mode... Um the religion.

First off 9% Tithing
2.5 hours of church (vs 3)
Gays are in, with soul benefits and inclusion into the top tier heaven. (think dual income and more discretionary money)
Only white people get souls. At least until we go global, then they get limited souls and tier 2 heaven.
Women make sandwiches, on earth and in heaven
Baptism starts at 6

If you want to get in on the ground floor with this add your own suggestions.

Do you need any Witnesses to testify they saw the plates?

If I can be one then I'm in.

Money for nothing and the chicks for free! :)

My Testi MONEY.

I Zee testify that angel Meronis who was in a pillar of light too sacred to comprehend fully showed unto me the plates.

I might change it to angel Zeroni later so keep reminding me which angel! Don't want any slip ups do we?

First off I get an annual cashier's check (no personal checks, please) for 10% of my income from the morg until all my tithes and offerings are reimbursed.
5 hours of NFL Football each Sunday.
Gays are allowed to decorate the tabernacle for General Conference (clothing optional).
Only white people get to be white.
Women all get larger breasts, no saggy skin and don't age after age 29.
Baptisms are replaced with pool/BBQ parties for all ages.

I like mine batter. Besides, sammiches suck in the eternal scheme of things.

Ron

Keeping the sabbath day holy requires watching football and/or being at a beach somewhere

I'm willing to help you edit the Book of Meronis (or Bob or whatever)

I'm OK with making sandwiches but I want one of your Articles of Faith to be We believe in order to qualify for the holy priesthood of Meronis, a man must pick up after himself and yea, even unto the putting of things where they belong, not cramming things into the nearest empty cupboard. We believe basic organizational skill were given from God and strive after these things.

I'd also like you to OK flip flops, double piercings and tattoos. Just to show you aren't going over to the control-freak area already occupied by Mormonism.

Is touching yourself ok in this version? I wouldn't want to feel guilty about washing certain parts in the shower for an inappropriate amount of time.

Awesome I like this church already....

1. Sleeping with more that one person would be considered a prayer session or Meron'age a trois.

2. Touching yourself is the sure sign of being male.

3. If you pay your 10% for years and the church makes money of stocks or investments you are given back the extra.

4. During the first meeting you get coffee instead of water and your choice of english muffin or danish for the sacraments.

5. Second hour is spent in different classes of your choice. Pleasing your man, pleasing your woman or fixing your car.

6. Any weekly class would be "family time" only days. You spend the whole time with your kids just being together.

Anubis

Gotta be fair.

We'll call it ‘Opening exercises’.

Everyone is expected to wear pajamas on Sunday mornings.

You good ol' boys have fun; good luck recruiting any women to make your sandwiches.

for just a few hundred dollars each.

It'll tell you what color family should wear, what decorating line you spring from, and what kind of foods will make you a healthier person.

ah hell. i'm in.

hook me up with a nice position. 1st elder, president of the 12, something like that...i can write some nice revelations, etc.

ok. i'll even sell my mansion to publish the book the angel Meronis (Zeroni for european presses) showed you.

darth jesus, there's always the "missionary position." ;o)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/29/2011 03:08PM by wine country girl.