Note: This is parody.

The only thing slimming down here is The Mormon Church's profit margins.
The religion agreed to pay up to $25 billion this week in refunds to members who got their endowment signs and tokens. This settles a recent complaint filed by the FTC, which posited that The Mormon Church's claims about the spiritual benefits of the signs were false.
The endowments advertising campaign touted the signs' ability to strengthen testimonies and spirituality, leading to a 28% improvement in blessings, 11% improvement in home life, and 11% improvement in careers as compared to regular religion’s symbols, icons and paraphernalia. But when the FTC investigated, they deemed the evidence to back these claims as insufficient.
The terms of the settlement prohibit The Mormon Church from making any further claims about the signs' exercise benefits unless backed by hard scientific facts. “The FTC wants national advertisers to understand that they must exercise some responsibility and ensure that their claims for faith gear are supported by sound science,” David Decker, director of the FTC's Bureau of Consumer Protection, said in an FTC press release.
The ad campaign has been discontinued, and any advertising featuring these claims is being pulled. Members can go to ftc.gov/The Mormon Church to apply for the refund.
The Mormon Church was cooperative during the investigation, but continues to stand behind its endowment product. In their own press release, the church stated, “Settling does not mean we agreed with the FTC's allegations; we do not. We fully stand behind our endowments…we remain committed to the continued development of our endowments”
The FTC is also investigating Scientology and there is a pending class-action lawsuit against New Age Religions, for making similar unsubstantiated claims about their own tokens and symbols.
Last year members spent more than $1 billion on this relatively new faith. Tokens and signs have a design feature that is intended to make talking about them more difficult, requiring you to expend less spiritual energy and therefore get more blessings. In addition to lingering doubts about these blessing benefits, some members have complained of psychological injuries and stress that they attribute to their changed lives after receiving the signs.

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/09/29/reebok-to-refund-customers-25-million-over-toning-shoes-complaint/?xid=rss-world-huffpo

they'll get me past " ... the angels who stand as sentinels ..." at the gates of heaven. And there ain't NOBODY who can take that away from me! WOOHOO!!!

http://lds.org/ensign/1992/05/come-to-the-house-of-the-lord?lang=eng

"We should also examine our relationships with our brother, or sister, or wife, or husband, or child, or parent, or anyone else who might have “ought against us.” We should repair and strengthen any damaged relationship, then come to the temple."

So, basically, most in my family in Utah shouldn't go to the temple. ROTFLMAO!

Like that would ever happen.

Be OBEDIENT to my husband. Give EVERYTHING to TSCC. KOLOB? What? These people are twisted! I want my money back.

You give us 10 percent of your income, your time, your talents and an option to take your life.

What do we give you in return? The passwords to heaven.

Oh, and you can't actually GET these passwords until you promise your life and oh, by the way, we won't tell you that your life is on the line to we actually ask you to promise it to us.

I think freedom of religion is great. I don't think extracting promises to potentially sacrifice your life without knowing beforehand that you need to do this is a religious freedom.

Freedom loving peoples would find this hard to swallow. It could lead to say the destruction of freedom of the press - like in Old Nauvoo.