Let's say someone attends a UU Church for a few years but they lose interest or become very busy, do they feel a need to tell family and friends the whys and wherefores? I quit attending a couple of UU Churches at different times and didn't feel a need to explain why to anyone.

I have a neighbor who quit a local Methodist Church to attend different Christian Church and it was no big deal to anyone. The new one just seemed to better suit her needs.

But leaving a "cult" is a different matter than leaving a more mainstream generic Christian Church. Among mormons there's always an unwritten understanding that no one must ever quit. Resigning or falling off the radar is considered a sign of moral turpitude and a slap in the face to believing loved ones.

Mormons are indoctrinated to believe that anyone must be evil or easily offended if they decide to change churches or give up on mormonism.

So does it help to list out reasons and to deny offense and sin? I've never seen this work but perhaps in some cases it might have been a good idea. Has telling TBMs upfront been helpful to anyone out there? I'd be happy to hear about it if anyone has experiences to share.

What I have experienced and observed is that mormons tend fall back on indoctrination over facts.

Tell TBMs you're leaving because of historical and doctrinal flaws and they don't believe it. They often go into a state of denial and come up with "the real reasons" for leaving. They point out some personal offense which they think caused upset or they assume you were too lazy for calling or you wanted to drink coffee or tea.

The reality is that most mormons will be distressed over anyone who leaves their "cult" because that's the nature of cultism and because they feel it's a reflection on *them,* the true believers, when members fall way.

Mormon parents have added programmed baggage when their adult kids apostatize. The parents assume it's a reflection on their parenting. They worry about what others will think and they agonize about not being better mormon parents to their so-called wayward children.

All of this seems to happen if we tell them first and upfront or not. In fact sometimes they can be hurt and angry because they hear it firsthand or they can be equally as upset hearing through the rumor mill.

So my conclusion is that we don't owe extended family an official announcement or full disclosure. As adults it's our right to attend or not to attend a church. Only a spouse and our own children need to know we're going to stop church activity. They are the ones who are personally involved and they deserve all of our special consideration and sensitivity.

We can try out best to soothe the feelings of everyone else but we can't control how they'll take the news or how they'll twist the situation and our reasons for leave.

I think it's important to make decisions for our mental and spiritual health. I don't think it's worth it to worry excessively about how extended family and wardmembers will react since we have no control over them.

Being an adult means we get to make our own decisions.

The reality is that believing mormons tend to react to their church programming over whatever we say to explain why we left their organization. TBMs are more than likely to assume offense, lazyness, and sin no matter what we say or do when we leave.

It's hard but we need to be adult enough to stand firm in our convictions and not expect understanding and support from TBMs for going against mormon mythology and indoctrination.

We had a similar experience to yours. We left a Lutheran church we had attended for several years to attend another non-denom church that was closer and had a really active youth group for our kids.

The Lutheran pastor called me after a few weeks to see if we were okay. I explained our decision and he wished us well ending the conversation with "If there is anything we can help you with in the future, please let us know."

I hear you but my indoctrination is so deep. I feel like I should tell people & I don't know why. I guess I'm broken. I did call my Parents & Siblings last night. They were heart broken.

As much as you say not to tell others, we have actual friends that we do non-church stuff with. I think they would be hurt if they heard it 2nd hand.

The bishop's 2nd counselor is one of my running training partners. There are families we hang out with and go on double dates. That'll probably all end now.

I guess my motivation to tell them wouldn't be to clear up rumors or defend my honor or anything. It would just be so that they heard it from me first. Does that make sense or is it my brain washed thinking. I'm asking because I know I'm probably not well enough to tell the difference yet.

Stepping back I guess if I was going to a community church with them then decided to go somewhere else I would certainly at least say something instead of dropping out and disappearing. Just disappearing would be weird even from any non-cult social club if you have actual friends. Although, I'll soon find out if they really are actual friends or not.

Except in cultish churches, I don't think anyone in mainstream ones take it as a personal affront when someone decides to move on.

I can think of several friends who have changed churches or quit attending for various reasons. They usually mention it to the minister or others but they don't think of it as a body blow to friends and loved ones as it often is to mormons.

I hope all goes well with you. You're brave to resign and also brave to explain your decision as you see fit.

Take care.

"I hear you but my indoctrination is so deep. I feel like I should tell people & I don't know why. I guess I'm broken."

Yes, you are. You've been in a cult. People in cults, people who are abused as children, people who are told that they are not allowed to have boundaries have a lot of psychological baggage to deal with around privacy and what's appropriate to share. As a friend of mine put it, "What's in my head is my stuff. Nobody gets to say whether I share it except me." And right now, you have a bunch of abusive tapes installed in your head which are telling you that you don't have the right to keep anything secret. You've been brainwashed.

Please, please go see a non-LDS counselor so you can get help. The word for what's happening to you is "co-dependency," and all Mormons I've ever met have had it (type "codependency and mormonism" into google for a real eyeful). The Morg pretty much guarantees you'll have this problem; it's part of how they hook people and keep them hooked. But it can be gotten past. You can recover.

While you're looking for a counselor, I want you to remind yourself that you have the right to privacy every day, when looking in the mirror, by saying out loud: "I don't owe anyone an explanation except me." And keep saying it until you believe it. (Trust me, it'll be a LOT more functional than any "I know the church is true" b.s.!)

I don't see it as either a sign you are broken or co-dependent that you would tell your friends you are leaving. It is an acknowledgment the church has been a central part of your life and you recognize the impact of your leaving on you and your relationships. I also support your effort to preserve your honor. You are an honorable person.

When I resigned from the church I told my LDS friends I was closest to and I answered the questions they had to the degree they wanted to know. The few who wished to argue with me, I told I would not argue and to please not persist, but I was OK with trying to clarify. None of those people I am friends with because their interests and priorities and mine are no longer the same. However, I am glad I did things the way I did. I felt I treated them and myself with respect.

I am not saying everyone has to see things or handle them as I did but I would strongly resist anyone telling you that you are broken or codependent because you are doing this the way you are.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2011 01:38AM by robertb.

We shouldn't have to...but I started leaving at 14 now 55. I have never wavered or given any indication that I would go back.

I suppose that is how a cult works. Just last month my aging father still attempted to get me to read the scriptures.

Mormonism is so woven into every fiber of there lives that if you don;'t tell your family and if you are active your wardmates they will expect you to still live in there insane world,

It truly is disgusting.

I have a Baptist friend whose Baptist minister supported her decision to attend a Presbyterian church instead of the Baptist church. They both thought it would be a better congregation, socially, for her.

that Mormon's "have the truth" and that it is an eternal family that is damaged when a family member leaves the Mormon Church. When a TBM hears of a Methodist leaving their church for another Chrisian church that for the Methodist seems a better fit, it is no big deal to a Mormon since no one has the truth but Mormon's anyway. This is the Mormon way of thinking.

Of course this is also why Mormonism is a cult. They think that no one has the truth but them and anyone leaving their church is looked at as a personal assault on the truth.

Surely all of us have been the targets of gossip and false assumptions by family members and/or ward members. This "comes with the territory" of leaving the Mormon cult.

As Cheryl says, however, “we can't control how they'll take the news or how they'll twist the situation and our reasons for leave.” It is important to *recognize* this and to LET GO of allowing other people's opinions to hinder our moving forward in our new life.

This is challenging at first; yet invariably improves with time and practice, as we begin to create a new and healthy cult-free life!

I told everyone, that started talking about church to me, that I no longer believe and had resigned. I stated the reasons (historical, etc). It worked out fine for me in all situations and I am glad I did it this way. I continue with this thread when I get off work :)...

I went inactive as a believer first--and there were many ward members who tried to get me to go back.

Luckily, my parents listened--they had witnessed the fun I had had and my parents weren't over the top TBM. My aunt also completely listened and accepted my decision.

My friend of over 27 years--I just blocked her e-mails--because every now and then she'd bring it up again and tell me I KNOW you still believe DEEP DOWN. Or I keep hoping you'll come back OR I'll pray for you OR the list goes on and on--and my life is in a better place than it has been since who knows when--EVER? But she said she couldn't be happy for me.

Actually, when I resigned, the bishop said he wouldn't tell anyone else and I'm sure he hasn't. I don't discuss what I believe now with neighbors, etc. I only bring it up if someone else brings it up.

It is one of those things that is really nobody's business unless you want to share.

Those comments (digs) are particular pet peeves of mine! They are just so passive aggressive and so very dismissive of your actual feelings and situation that anyone talking that way deserves no consideration or civility in my opinion. Being around that woman would be like living in a bramble bush of sharp spines and nettles.

Would sending a quote from say the JOD in a return email back work?--kind of like, Yes thank you and I ALSO KNOW that deep down you and your ilk still really believe that race mixing deserves instant death.

I tried to be civil for a few days after this last barage of e-mails. I somehow let slip in an e-mail a few weeks ago that I had resigned and all hell broke loose.

So--after being civil, I finally said a few things like, "How about if I say if you want to pray for me, pray that I will be happy, that I will be safe or don't pray for me at all. I know mormonism and I know you will be praying I will return to the church--which goes against what is my own truth." I then told her I could pray for her that she will see the light--and then our prayers could cancel each other out.

I also said, "I can also tell you that I KNOW that YOU WILL KNOW in the next life." I can turn the tables on you just like you just threw that out at me.

I can't remember all I said to her (my therapist got a big laugh out of it)--but when she told me she loved the church more than her family, I said, "Okay, I'm done. How can you say that to me after I just lost both parents?" Her parents are still alive.

I won't go into other things she said. I've posted them here. They were beyond insulting to her own child who is now dying a horrible death.

It is NOBODY'S business what your beliefs are. Just like politics--another subject you shouldn't discuss with un-likeminded individuals. My boyfriend watches Fox News. I just put in my 2 cents now and then, but don't get into big arguments with him about it.

**I've always been one who would rather spend time alone than be with people I don't want to be around (so mormonism was especially taxing on me)--but the older I get, the more I realized I'd rather spend ALL my time alone than put up with bullshit.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/04/2011 07:36PM by cl2.

A couple of weeks ago, I made a public statement on Facebook, though, announcing that by the end of October, I will no longer be a member.

I was tired of the bullying and pressure from my MIL. I was tired of the constant "did you hear such and such...oh, you didn't? Why not?"

Last but not least, I had a last straw moment where an old acquaintance of mine accused me if not following the prophet because I posted regarding gay suicides and bullying.

That did it. I also announced that I attend a UU congregation, am bi, and invited anyone with questions to contact me privately. Anyone in my friends or extended family who have an issue with my opinions are welcome to unfriend me, and I will discuss, but refuse to debate.

That was the most freeing thing I have ever done in my entire life.

It really does depend so much on the situation.

Ultimately, that choice was for me, not them. I think you're right 100% when you said in the OP that we owe them nothing.

Now, I just get to show some discipline and stick to my guns about refusing to debate.

Probably 10 years ago, I tried to write a letter to send to all of my family, telling them that I left and why.

After many hours I gave up.

Because I couldn't figure out a way to write it. I didn't want it to be a confession. I knew they would be unhappy because I was leaving, and I wanted to ease their concerns and keep the lines of communication open. But it kept sounding like an apology or defense of my decision. And I felt like announcing and/or defending my choice would be an invitation for debate. At the time, I was still kind of reeling from the whole exit experience and didn't want conflict over it.

I realized that any attempt to explain/justify my decision would involve pointing out problems with THEIR belief system, would be offensive to them, and make me into a dangerous apostate person who must be avoided. I was pretty sure they weren't going to actually take my point of view seriously.

I'm of the opinion that when you justify or explain a decision, you expose your insecurity with that decision. By seeking any validation from those who will NEVER give it, you invite them to criticize it. Who needs that when they are making a difficult transition?