This past week, my recently turned 18 year old son, a very obedient pleasing closeted agnostic, dropped out of high school (senior) and ran away from his happy valley TBM mom. My ex called me and accused me of prompting it by conspiring with him to leave (completely false and ridiculous). The night before that, she had cut him from talking with me on the phone, and so I got her on to tell her what an f'd up parent she is to stop our conversations when he was trying to talk about his difficulties living in happy valley.

We've been to court a few times; I filed to get custody of him and his brother (16yo), without success because the courts back west don't change custody without considerable cause. This depressed my son and his brother, and they remained in happy valley against their often expressed wishes.

The day after he left, my son had hitched a ride up the i15 morridor and landed on the doorstep of my TBM family. My ex, who sheltered and controlled him to the point he couldn't take it any further. On the phone she at least admitted she would refrain from pressuring him to go back to finish high school with her. I added, perhaps it was time for her to let the younger brother live with me as he dearly wishes, and before he pulls a drastic maneuver.

She then proceeded to blame me for all the ills they both have had. It's a typical ploy, projecting her guilt as blame. But the problem I have is, my 16yo son needs his father badly. At least he stands up to her about the church, but I fear he will follow in his older brother's path and do something that could ruin his short term future.

It's so damned frustrating to deal with narcissistic tbms when all they can see in you is the devil.

beyond the age of about 13, childing can usually express to the courts where THEY want to reside. Laws may be different there but that is the way it is here in our state.

downsouth Wrote:
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> beyond the age of about 13, childing can usually
> express to the courts where THEY want to reside.
> Laws may be different there but that is the way it
> is here in our state.


In CO, they have a two-year moratorium on motions for changing custody. Every time the motion is raised (verbally or written, whether successful or failed) it restarts the clock. Judges there will only change it if there is a threatening situation, all the way to emancipation age.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2010 03:58PM by Jesus Smith.

downsouth Wrote:
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> beyond the age of about 13, childing can usually
> express to the courts where THEY want to reside.
> Laws may be different there but that is the way it
> is here in our state.


The Court will *consider* the wishes of teen-aged children, either during the divorce or at a post-decretal hearing, about which parent they wish to live with. A case which comes to mind is my computer geek. At age 14 the Florida courts removed him from his mother and gave custody to his father. His mother was actively thwarting visitation/contact between father and son which is a huge NO-NO in this state and the son expressed his desire to live with his father.

Also, anon4drama's ex-wife is not supposed to eavesdrop or interfere with communications between father & son.

That sucks, a4d. I feel your pain.

Something I always think about when dealing with my controlling NPD tbm ex: I left her because she was a total b*tch. I can't expect that to change just because I am not there. It's a good reminder why you got divorced.

Update for those that care.

My son stayed with my tbm family for the past week (arriving there last wed). I was told today that he got a letter from his mom's father that attempts the typical mormon guilt. His gramps stated that he recognizes that my son (by the letter he'd left behind) was potentially in a very self-destructive state of mind. But that didn't stop him from berating the young man.

He said to him, despite the fact that he was so discouraged and confused and down on himself--so much that he dropped out and hitched up I15 -- he is a bad boy for causing so much grief and pain to his TBM mother. That his friends and his bishop and his siblings were out looking for him, worried sick. And he owes them all an apology, especially his mom.

Right, he owes her an apology for her controlling, sheltering and shaming behavior that landed him into this current state of mind.

What this is, is an attempt to pull him back into their control and own him again and make him atone for embarrassing them to all the prominent mormon neighbors. For my son's case, the damage is done. He can't easily go back and fix his senior year now after the Fs and dropping out. He can move forward by freeing himself and working on it all himself in other ways. I am hoping that he has enough common sense not to put himself back into that sheltered situation.

All I can do is accept him and let him know I care and support his decision, with the hope he won't let manipulation pull him back into a bad situation.

Is he trying to get to you, or is he still stuck with the grandparents? Is there any way you can get him to you?

michael Wrote:
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> Is he trying to get to you, or is he still stuck
> with the grandparents? Is there any way you can
> get him to you?


Up until the past few months, he had wanted to live with me, but the courts stopped it because they won't change custody for two years after the last change. Everytime he expressed a desire to move in with me, his tbm mom played the victim and guilted him. He felt torn by his duty to mom and his desires to get out. It exploded in him last week when he had failed classes in school.

Right now, I think he is still feeling wary of hurting his mom by moving in with me, but I don't know for sure. It could be that he never wanted to live with me either and just asked for that because it's what I wanted.

I will talk with him about it soon, but wanted to let him have a cooling off period first.

anon4drama Wrote:
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> michael Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Is he trying to get to you, or is he still
> stuck
> > with the grandparents? Is there any way you
> can
> > get him to you?
>
>
> Up until the past few months, he had wanted to
> live with me, but the courts stopped it because
> they won't change custody for two years after the
> last change. Everytime he expressed a desire to
> move in with me, his tbm mom played the victim and
> guilted him. He felt torn by his duty to mom and
> his desires to get out. It exploded in him last
> week when he had failed classes in school.
>
> Right now, I think he is still feeling wary of
> hurting his mom by moving in with me, but I don't
> know for sure. It could be that he never wanted
> to live with me either and just asked for that
> because it's what I wanted.
>
> I will talk with him about it soon, but wanted to
> let him have a cooling off period first.

Well, if you'd accept it, here's a virtual hug, and to the hope that you can help the boy.

Do remind him that he is now 18. He is legally an adult, regardless how recent it is - he's no longer a minor under the law. He can choose where he wants to live without your ex interfering.

If he doesn't want to move back home or see about options finishing high school near you, perhaps discuss options with him for finish his schooling via GED.

Sorry, I live in Canada, so the legal age here is 18. At 18, you are no longer bound to child support as your 18 year old is considered an adult, and as such does not need the permission of any court to live anywhere.
I am aware that in the US the legal drinking age is 21, but I thought that the legal adult age is 18? Are you not allowed to join the army at 18?
Just a question as I really don't know. It seems a little ridiculous if he can join the army at 18 and die in some war, but needs permission to live where he wants to?

I wish you and your son well, anon4drama. It's a tough age he's at and the stress from his TBM family is making it worse. However, his education doesn't have to be blown. I encourage you to look into alternative education options both where you live and where the ex lives.

My daughter got pregnant her senior year in high school. She knew that she couldn't possibly have the baby in May (when he was due) and still complete the rest of her school year with a new baby. So she went to a contract based program and graduated with full credits (it was actually more challenging than regular school and a lot of us tutored her in her subjects to help her through the classes) one week before my oldest grandson was born. Her reward for her hard work and committment was that her old high school actually allowed her to participate in all of the senior activities and to graduate with her class after she earned her diploma. She's a very social person so it was very rewarding for her. She actually went to the senior prom the night before she had him. (Kids! ;) )

He only recently turned 18 last month. From 16-almost 18, he had expressed a strong desire to live with me. Something changed two months before he turned 18. I am not sure what.

Yes, once 18, the law can't stop him. The issue is, he has expressed at times feeling quite guilty about leaving his mom. He babysits for her, helps in the yard, takes car of this and that. She would express disapproval that he dare move in with me, explaining that I'm living a very inappropriate lifestyle (as an ex-mo, of course). He also wanted to be with his friends his last year of high school. I had told him that was fine and I would support him in the decision.

Then he suddenly ran away. Like I said, I am waiting to hear what he plans to do. He has other options besides his mom or me, which he might do. I'm fine with that, as long as he gets away from all the guilting tbms do to him.

required until graduation from high school. I turned 18 in September, didn't graduate till May. My dad was required to pay child support until and including May.

That's a good pt bingoe4. His mom may be pushing him so much because she doesn't want to lose CS. Emancipation age for the purposes of CS in the state where we divorced is 19.

If he refuses to return to his custodial parent, you can ask the courts for a temporary court-appointed guardian for your son. Theylisten to the preference of children of his age.
Good luck!

Your son is an adult and can live wherever he wants. If he chooses to live with you then there's nothing his TBM mom can do about it. She cannot charge you with kidnapping or any other such nonsense. If your son is in such a crisis please try to go get him and have him live with you. If he is desperate enough to run away he may be desperate enough to try to hurt himself if he is forced back into an unbearable situation.

Child support is awarded until the child is 18 or has stopped attending school full time, whichever comes later. Usually this means child support stops when they graduate HS, but it can continue through college if the custodial parent is still supporting the child and paying for their education.

As for your younger son, if he is also considering running away then try to encourage him to come to your house. You can file an emergency injunction to grant you temporary custody while your son is in crisis. Arguing that the child is running away from the custodial parent with mom unable to stop him is grounds for custody to be changed. If your younger son does come to you file this the SAME day. It will protect you if your ex tries to accuse you of kidnapping. Also place him immediately in therapy. It will help build your case that your child's mental health is being neglected with TBM mom.