Okay so I REALLY hope I don't give out too much information here but I doubt any of the people I'm about to talk about ever come on this board, so here goes.

My brother is currently "dating" a girl who I am good friends with. I put "dating" in quotation marks because to him it's a casual thing but to her it's soul mates/ till death. I guess he has told her in the past that it's only casual but for some reason she doesn't get it. She thinks they are bf/gf. Whenever I talk to her she goes off on how great they are together and how good he treats her and I thought that since I hadn't talked to my bro about it for a while, that maybe things had changed and they decided to be in a serious relationship. I was wrong.

I found out this week that he's still seeing other girls. Still sleeping with other girls. This week has been horrible for me ever since and I realized this morning that this is what set it off. It freaked me out. My husband is coming home soon and I was feeling nervous about it but since this my anxiety level has skyrocketed. I'm feeling panicky and keep wondering if maybe he, too, is cheating on me? I went 5 months feeling perfectly okay with him being gone and now, when he's about to come home, I'm freaking out. I also don't want to talk to my husband about it because I know he has enough on his plate right now. I don't want to bother him with my worries of him cheating. On top of that, it seems as though everyone we know is getting divorced. There are three couples off the top of my head w/in the past year that have broken up.

Also, this friend recently (it's been about a year) stopped going to church. Ever since it seems as though she feels the need to prove how happy she is to everyone else- especially people that are still mormon because, obviously, they assume your life goes down the drain after you leave the church. Her facebook posts are always about how her life is perfect and everything. She posted one just the other day and it filled me with such guilt because, hey guess what? Her life isn't perfect. But she doesn't realize that because she's deluded.

I guess I'm not really asking for advice because there's not really anything I can do. I just need to vent. Thanks for letting me vent.

"I'm feeling panicky and keep wondering if maybe he, too, is cheating on me?"

Not all men are alike, and not all women are alike. People are different. You're projecting yourself into your brother/friend's relationship.

Unless you have definite proof or evidence that your husband may have been unfaithful, lay off of him. As you said, "he has enough on his plate right now." He doesn't need to have to deal with unfounded accusations.

I disagree with your statement, "there's not really anything I can do." You can be grateful that you're not in the same kind of relationship as your brother/friend, and be happy that you're not getting divorced.

Don't create problems where they don't exist. Life is tough enough without unnecessary added problems...

You are absolutely correct. I needed to hear that and thank you for your voice of reason :)

You might benefit from a counselor of some sort. Not that you need therapy, but sometimes it's worth the money to get a professional opinion of what worries you.

Definetely you are projecting onto your husband. Stay away from that.

Talk with your brother and tell him that he needs to be upfront with this girl. Maybe he is and she is just ignoring it. In which case he should end it because they have way different ideas about the relationship. You are in the middle of it and that is never a good place to be.

...the things that don't really pertain to the situation. That would be your own marriage, your friends' divorces, and your girlfriend's psychological need to have her life be perfect.

What I would do is perhaps alter how you refer to your brother when speaking with your girlfriend. Consistently refer to their relationship lightly as a "friendship." When she gushes about him, lightly reply that you're glad they're enjoying each other's company. Perhaps warn your friend that while you adore her, you're not convinced that DB is anywhere near ready to settle down, and you don't want to see her hurt.

I would also have a chat with DB. Tell him that you highly value your friendship with this girl, that you don't want to see it ruined because of his casual relationship with her, and that like it or not, this girl is seriously over the moon about him. Tell him that you don't see it ending well.

After that, it's out of your hands. You may or may not be able to retain the friendship depending on how things turn out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2011 12:55PM by summer.

About your brother and his girlfriend....I would definitely talk to MY brother and make him understand that for girls to get the impression they are an item, he must be doing or saying something to her in order for her to get that feeling.He needs to knock it off. Then stay out of it. You owe nothing to either and don't get in the middle.

As for you hubby. Has he been away long? Or just coming home from work for the day....no need to worry unless he has signs of coming home late a lot, not talking at all, being a recluse, spending too much time on the computer, making excuses for being late, etc. If any of this is going on ask him to please be more attentive, call if he will be late, etc. If he is still not attentive, it is time for counseling if he won't talk.

Now for your friend, it is natural for her to want to prove to the Mormons she is happy. Maybe she isn't all that happy yet, but I would guess she is happy to be rid of that association. Again, stay out of it. If things go well for her congratulate her....if she tells lies, then just don't get caught up in it. She is probably tring to find her way to a new life. I would cut her some slack.

Yes, thank you for the advice. I'm feeling a lot better this evening and have calmed down and managed to step back from the situation and don't feel nearly as stressed about it. Thank you everyone for your advice, it's always helpful to see things from other people's points of views.

My husband is deployed and I've been feeling nervous about him coming home. He hasn't seen his son in 5 months (he's 9 months old now) and I'm worried it's going to be a big change for DH. I was also hoping I'd have a toned belly by now too, but that didn't happen haha. I think with my brother and my friend it just made me freak out since I was already feeling nervous. But I'm feeling so much better after reading all of your comments.

Sorry for my freak out but at least it happened now and not later :) I don't know what I'll do about my brother and friend. He was stationed abroad and she would come visit him but they are now living in the same city so I'm hoping he will buckle down and tell her the truth.

about how the girl he is seeing.
My view: no. It's none of your business how she interprets him, and how he handles his relationship with her. He'll take care of his own life. He will figure out what he needs to do.

And the other question is: why would you think your husband is cheating because your brother is, according to you?

Just because one man you know is cheating and three people you know are getting a divorce doesn't mean that applies to your situation. Those are totally different.

There are cases where a wife or husband constantly accuses the other of cheating and there is a divorce because of the allegations, or because they figured they might as well do what they are accused of! Self fulfilling prophesy, as they say.

Why not put all of it out of your mind and engage in something positive and optimistic and be a loving wife when hubby comes home?

You are absolutely correct. I talked to a friend of mine and she told me that anger is a secondary emotion which helped me realize I was first of all, missing my husband and also very nervous and anxious about him coming home. I think all of this just kind of exploded into anger. My friend has also gone through several deployments with her husband and told me feeling mad was a common thing. I think I was feeling angry and made up an excuse for it. Having realized this, I am feeling much better and am now ready for him to come home and be an optimistic wife, like you said.

About my friend again: I know it's not really any of my business but it seems to be spiraling out of control. About a month ago she wanted to add me, my SIL, and my husband (not sure about anyone else) as her sisters and brother on facebook. I felt extremely uncomfortable about this because I don't consider her my sister, I consider her my friend. I talked to my SIL about it and since she was going to go ahead and add her as a sister I figured I'd do the same. I didn't want to hurt her feelings or anything. At this point I had thought that her and my brother's relationship was quite serious. Now that I know it's not I feel very weird having her listed as my sister on facebook.

She's also being very pushy about being considered our sister. The other day my SIL posted something about loving her sisters and my friend went off on the post about how awesome her sisters (including herself) were. It just seemed weird to me. Do I just look the other way and try to forget about all this? She considers herself part of our family and it's making me feel extremely guilty.

Grasping, even. If it were me, I'd put a little bit of distance into your relationship for a while. FB isn't a be-all and an end-all. You can take a break from it.

I think you have more than enough on your plate as it is. I can't even pretend to know all the emotional ramifications of having a deployed spouse, but if I were you, that's where I would put my time and energy. Take care of yourself, your own family, and prepare for a loving homecoming.