The traditions where I grew up in regards to funerals were that people wore black for the service and to the cemetery. If not black, dark colours were the norm, but definitely not read or yellow because those were not mourning colours. The service was a mesage of hope and resurrection and people talked about the person's life. Family and friends from far came if they could.

I was surprised at one funeral in particular where a lot of people were wearing red and the first speaker said 'we're here to say goodbye to our friend X but I won't talk about his life but rather give you a message", the message was about spreading the gospel. Everyone kept looking at each other, especially because all his extended family was catholic, they were all in black and hoping to celebrate his life. I thought it was so inapropriate but by the thidr funeral I attended I realized that at church every oportunity is a missionary opportunity, period, no regard for anything else.

Anyway, is there a reason why mormons will not wear black at funerals? Is it t distance themselves from all other Christian faiths?

I know there are religions in the world that will wear white for funerals and other that would never wear white for a wedding dress, it's cultural, but somehow I thought mormons would be more in line with other Christians religions practiced in the US.

Thanks,

D

I don't know that this is "official doctrine, " but I was told we weren't supposed to appear as if we were in mourning by my TBM mom. When her mother died, I put on a dark grey and black dress, she freaked out, and asked, "Why are you wearing THAT dress?!?" and told me to go change. She claimed that it's ok to be sad that the departed are no longer here, but not sad that they died.

20+ years later, I still have issues with not being able to mourn people naturally.

I've heard that too "people are not mourning like the rest of the world because they are an eternal family", well maybe the fake friends are not in mourn but the real loved ones of the deceseased are certainly in pain. That's awful that you were not allowed to mourn and had to bottled all those feelings in.

They'd probably tell you that it's because deep inside they know the person is happy and in a better place.

I think it's a tradition like the cross and they don't feel they need to honor something that isn't part of their mormon culture.

My theories?

A. they are so isolated they don't know wearing dark color is a social norm?

B. too cheap to buy a new outfit they don't like the color of?

C. code for mormon vs. non mormon

D. refusal to acknowledge respect toward the deceased in dress and in words spoken

E. don't think its appropriate to wear black to mishy discussions.

F. want to appear cheerful and not depressed to any non Mo's that might show up.

G. refusal to act like this person died. This is a missionary moment dammit!

"G. refusal to act like this person died. This is a missionary moment dammit!"

Love it and that may just be the most 'inspired' answer. lol

I wouldn't say black is prescribed at non-mormon funerals, but in some cultures, it's very disrespectful to show up in bright, happy colors. It's safe to at least wear something dark.

My three remaining grandparents all died well into their 90's, and it was no surprise when they died; they'd lived long, full lives, and were ready to go; in my gpa's case, it was almost a relief, as many of us had mourned his absence for almost 2 years, since he had Alzheimers. So, many people, including family members, were not wearing black, even my mother at her own parents' services. Not loud, bright colors, but still.

However, most of these same people wore unrelieved black to my mother's own service in 2010. It was not an expected death, and we were all very sad; wearing black was a reflection of the deep grief we felt. Other non-family mourners did not wear just black. I have been to Catholic funerals though where everyone wore black, because it's part of what they do. I knew this ahead of time and dressed to respect the family. Black or dark colors are a safe bet, unless it's a wedding.

It's a personal thing, and no one should be told what colors they have to wear, or to feel a certain way. Being allowed to mourn or not should not be prescribed or controlled.

Over the past 10 yrs or so, I've noticed that wearing black to funerals isn't as de rigeur as it used to be. I grew up in a pretty poor area of the country and it may be that not a lot of poorer people have black dress clothes, especially if they don't attend church on a regular basis. In the Protestant churches in our area, people tend to wear their best clothes, though their best may be a plaid work shirt & khakis.

My family is Baptist (but not nutcase Baptist, we're a laid-back bunch). At my mom's funeral in May, I requested that people come in cheerful clothing as it was a celebration of her life. Edie loved being well-dressed and well-accessorized!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2011 04:27PM by janebond462.

Is wearing black still required at non-Mormon funerals? I've only been to one funeral in the past 30 (for my father). Neither he nor the funeral were Morg. I not only didn't wear black, but I didn't even wear a tie. None of the male family members did. Most people in attendance (family and non-family) dressed as they would for the church where it was held, which means mostly casual, a few suits. Lots of bright colors worn by both males and females.

Personally, if anyone wore black after I die, I would be offended. If the purpose is to celebrate the person's life (which I think is the message in most churches other than the Morg) then why wear black or dark colors? That's depressing.

Maybe I'll put it in my will that anyone wearing a tie to my service won't be allowed in until they take it off.

If you go on the websites of some funeral homes in Quebec they mention : 'Keeping in mind a low-key appearance, black is no longer required'.

I think that since the dead probably couldn't care less, the person who is in mourning should just wear what they feel comforts them. If you want to wear a light color, with the intention of celebrating the deceased's life - fine. If you want to wear black because you are deeply sad - fine. If you want to wear dark colors because you feel solemn - fine.

What bugs me about the Mormon thing is that you are made to feel like you aren't supposed to be mourning. You have the plan of salvation. You KNOW you will see your loved one again. This makes you happy, even in the face of death itself. My mom was the same way about not wearing dark colors and telling me I shouldn't be mourning because I know God's plan. Don't tell me I can't feel what I feel for any reason. I always wonder how many of those perkily dressed Mormons are just masking their feelings because they are told to.

I was told that wearing black equates with not believing in the Eternal Plan, basically spitting in God's face and not believing that the person lives on in the afterlife. We were encouraged to wear "happy" colors to celebrate that the person is "now with their Heavenly Father".

I don't know that wearing black is a social norm anymore. Most funerals I've been to, Mormon or not, people dress up in whatever they would wear to church.

It seems like black at funerals isn't really a social norm much these days, at least where I live. I've only been to non-Mormon funerals, and most people wear something they would normally wear to church, but they avoid really bright colors.

The exception is someone I knew who died of cancer specifically requested an Irish wake at a pub and requested that people laugh about the good times they had with this person. I'm sure it offended my TBM ex since he naturally didn't attend this pub gathering.

well, I have been to at least 10 mormon funerals and all of them have people in black, or dark colors. All of them have talked about the persons life. All of them have had a bishop or church leader be the concluding speaker but normally 5 min talk on hope of the life to come. Never a missionary type funeral.

So again, I think we take the few and try to make it the norm. The mormon chuch is messed up, but just like Big Love does a terrible job portraying the mormon people thus losing credibility, so do we when we jump all over stuff like this that is just not the norm.

I've been to more than a few Morg funerals, too, and at ALL of them, the focus was on the missionary opportunity the event provided.

At some, including the most recent, a celebration of the person's life also occured, but in my short experience (10 years in the Morg), there's been more talk about old Joe and "the gospel according to Joe" than there's been about the dead person's life.

And yes, at the funerals I attended, some people wore black, including several TBMs, but a lot of people didn't. Some wore bright colors like yellow. So I guess what a person experiences just depends on "where a person is when".

Based on my experiences, I conclude the mishie opp at funerals IS the norm. Others may have a different experience. That doesn't invalidate my own.

Because I wore a purple and black dress with a black blazer to my grandfather's funeral. Of course, she didn't say anything to me directly but told all of the family members how upset she was with me after I left.

I had the pleasure of serving as the Memorial Service Coordinator at my church so I've seen a lot of these. Somber colors and black are mostly what I saw. The family of the loved one usually set the tone. If they were the kind to wear a suit to church, everyone else would dress up more. Also, the younger the deceased person, the more black.

We call our services "celebrations of life" with heart-warming stories and even some laughter. The pastor reminds us that the person is in a better place, but it's more to reassure the family rather than try to convert people.

I went to a service for a co-worker at some church, where the pastor spent the whole time witnessing for Jesus. I was surprised there wasn't an altar call. I was so embarrassed for all the Jewish people there. They took it in stride.

If she told me why, I don't remember. But she made enough of a point of it that I feel like a rebel wearing black.

I don't wear black. The funerals I have attended we are there to celebrate life, not mourn a loss. When my brother passed away, I wore a white guayabera shirt with khaki pants. All my siblings and my parents were not there to mourn, we were there to celebrate his life and we did. So, don't wear black to my funeral is all I'm saying.

I recently went to my second funeral in the last year, and was surprised to find I was the only one in a suit. This last one was a terrible tragedy; the son of a friend of mine had mental issues and suffered terrible insomnia. He was prescribed narcotics, and overdosed (probably due to frustration of inability to sleep). His father found him dead in bed after he came home from work, and his son was probably already dead when my friend left for work, which made it all that harder on him. Anyway, even the father was only wearing slacks and a dress shirt, no tie. People were there in jeans, one in jeans and a T-shirt. The last funeral I went to was for an old man, and only another LDS guy and I wore suits. The widow was in one of those velour sweat outfits.

This reminds me of Mormons not wearing crosses (jewelry and such) because they don't want to focus on the death of Christ. WTF!

There is no official policy. Usually, they are dressed in their Sunday Best as the funeral is held in the chapel.

I think the reluctance of some Mormons to wear black at funerals may come from a couple of things:

1) The perpetual desire of Mormons to be different. Black is traditional mourning attire, so Mormons gotta do something different.

2) Do Mormons even really believe it's okay to mourn at a funeral? How many times do you hear they aren't REALLY dead, as if you shouldn't miss someone who you won't see for the rest of your mortal life? I think many Mormons think they need to keep up the happy-happy-joy-joy routine, even after a death. Not wearing black and keeping a positive attitude is taken as having faith.

That said, I actually think it's kind of stupid for people to feel like they should wear any particular color at a funeral. I think people should wear something that doesn't attract undue attention to themselves (like a party dress or a tie dye shirt) and that's it.

This post is timely as my grandparents were laid to rest in the Veteran's Cemetery today (they both died this spring/summer). Most of my family wore black and white - I wore navy and white with a turquoise jacket as my grandfather repeatedly told us he didn't want us to wear black and mourn his passing... I wanted to honor his wish. My grandmother would have encouraged colors too, but she didn't have to knowing how vocal my grandfather was about it.

As I grew up, brown was a color of mourning. I attended my first funeral in my mid-teens and wore black as my best friend's brother died and she wanted me to be at the funeral - she chose my outfit.

My experience is that many Mormons do wear black. I don't think there is any position on it, but people as a whole are less formal.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2011 11:57PM by bona dea.

The whole, "not wearing black" and "white shirts are pure" was such a ridiculous non-issue to make an issue about that it's literally become my "fuck you" symbol. I don't really always wear black that would be silly. I only make it a point to do it when Mormons might get their garmies in a twist. Like sacrament meeting if I go.

I'd probably not do it at a Mo funeral though. A funeral is no time to promote an agenda.

I always wear a black shirt to Mormon funerals...1. because I like the shirt and 2. 'cause I'd love some TBM to call me on it...