I've been lucky enough to have had very few people close to me die.

However, my father in-law died recently and I'm taking it way harder than any of his more closely related relatives. Part of the reason is that I was fairly close to him. The other, and I think more major, part is that I am not comforted by a belief that I will see him again in a "here after" and I am really going to miss him.

Long ago I made peace with the fact that when I die, I'm not going anywhere - all the atoms that make up me will still be here but my consciousness will not. But I guess I forgot to make the same peace with the idea that this also applies to people who die before I do. And I can't really talk to any of my friends or family about this because they would not understand.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

Life long atheist here...

Just accept that it hurts, that it sucks and that it always will... suffering is apart of life and when people die, the loved left living, suffer. You can't escape it, so don't try to. Accept the grief, pain and suffering. Allow yourself to even wallow in it for awhile and every now and then. There's nothing like a good, heartfelt cry once in awhile... and then, you have to carry on living.

IMO.

Sorry for your loss. :-(



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 01:20AM by spaghetti oh.

It helped me to think that none of us chooses whether or not we are born and so none of us chooses whether or not we die. It's allowed me some sense of surrender. It helps to talk about the people I love who have died. I also found Staring at the Sun by psychiatrist and atheist Irvin Yalom very helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Staring-Sun-Overcoming-Terror-Death/dp/0470401818/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319951627&sr=1-1

I'm sorry for your pain.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 11:20AM by robertb.

Grieve, let yourself grieve. Even if you believed in an afterlife you would grieve because you wouldn't have any reason to believe you'd see this person again while you live. It hurts. Time helps to soften that pain. Don't feel like your grieving has to follow a particular course or be over in a certain amount of time either.

A very good book on grief (if you can find it -- it might well be out of print) that helped me once upon a time was How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies.

It's OK to grieve and feel the pain of loosing someone. That is a natural normal human reaction.

Be happy for the time you had and as long as you are alive, you will have those memories.

No answer for you but just advice to go through the grieving process. It is a must you do that. And you will hurt inside and not be yourself for awhile. Best advice after that is to talk to others about him, his life and what he meant to you. Talking about memories makes your hurt turn into joyous memories.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is normal to grieve, whether or not you believe in an afterlife. For me, I remind myself that at least they're not in pain anymore. Remember the good times you had with him and focus on those. Time will heal.

So sorry for your loss.

I am watching my mother fade away with dementia.
She had a major stroke last spring.

I have never believed in religion but still held faith in the afterlife. Past few years not so sure.

What I have found without a belief in the afterlife, is that
I make sure my time with people is time well spent.
I can help now without thinking it counts anywhere else but in the here and now.

I watch my believing sibs hurry in there time with her. Guess they figure they will have time later.

I am grieving as i watch her fade away. But make sure my days with her are full of laughs and as much joy as I can bring her.

I am a better daughter without thinking there is more time. The others are focused on the tasks. I am focused on the moments.

Guess my point is that going forward love the folks in your life who matter each day, let go of the time wasters, and make the moments on the earth count.

I know her time is growing short so I take time to treasure and cherish her while I may.

Thank you for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. His service was today and it was very nice. I'll have to check out some of the books that were suggested.

Thanks!