A little background: I'm a young single female in my early twenties that just moved back to be closer to my family after a four-year adventure halfway across the country. Leaving the church was the hardest thing I have ever had to do (I "left" when I was nineteen), especially being so young and alone when the rest of my HUGE family are devout LDS.

Since moving back, my family has tried very hard to get me back into the church. My mother has realized that if she wants a CLOSE and sincere relationship with me, she has to give me space. My father, on the other hand, is your typical die-hard return missionary/priesthood-holder, head-of-household LDS man.

Yesterday, since I was staying over at my parents' house for the weekend, I went to sacrament meeting with them. After coming home and waiting for them, my father burst through the door a couple hours later. He immediately called my mother and I into his office and shut the door, throwing his things onto the floor and saying that he had an important announcement.

My mother and I sat there in front of him as he suddenly jumped up with tears in his eyes and burst out with a, "I am so happy for you! I received a revelation on my way home that within the next year, you are going to be married!"

He started sobbing, sincerely recounting this revelation that he had on his way home. He said that the spirit told him that he needed to prepare for a wedding, because I would be married within the next year. The spirit told my father that I was currently confused and let down but because of my love for my father, I would hear the spirit through my father.

This last spring I was dating a guy who ended up having a girlfriend. I had also just ended a long relationship with an abusive alcoholic. Before that, I was with a scumbag who was into animals... and before that, I almost married (at the tender age of 18) a 34-year old man who had a child porn collection/problem/whatever. So I really know how to pick 'em! =)

I was caught off guard and EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what to say, and I was pretty freaked out. My father was being very sincere and seemed to firmly believe that he had been given some sort of vision/revelation. He started to describe the man that I would marry, sobbing and saying that he was SO excited for me!

He continued to insist that it would happen, telling me that I needed to start making drastic changed in my life and make sure that I was "available" to this wonderful man in my future. My father is not a very emotional person, so the sobbing and dramatic behavior made me extremely weirded out!! He seemed VERY genuine and confident... I am wondering if he is going crazy...????

He hugged me, kept telling me congrats and wishing me the best. My mother stayed very quiet, sniffling with tears in her eyes... didn't say much.

I immediately came up with an excuse to leave (saying I had to work early the next morning), packed up my things and left. He called me last night reminding me that it IS going to happen. He demanded to know the name of my bishop and the ward that I need to be attending. When I told him that I did not know, he said that he would find out for me and make sure that I get back onto the right path so that this revelation can come to be...

What do I do???

As fellow exmormons, you know how deep our love for our family goes. I am the oldest of three children, one of them is in prison and the other has fallen to a drug addiction and an abusive relationship. I grew up the star child in my family, and my worst fear is disappointing them.

The church has hurt me the worst by putting me in a position where I feel like I am not loving my parents enough when I do not do as I am told. My father would become a truly broken man should I come clean about my past and true feelings about the church, and I feel like I am constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my family, more than they realize... but to my father, I don't love him enough if I am not obedient.

How do I handle this situation? It caught me by surprise... I haven't seen anything like it before. I cannot stress enough how much this weirded me out and my conflicted feelings at this time. How do I talk to them about this? What do I do???

What is the future going to bring??? How do I handle it??? And what happens when my father becomes more aggressive in his desperation to make this revelation true??? NOTE: I believe he completely believes it!!! Is he going crazy???

HELP!!!!

Gem



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 05:56PM by gemkitty.

Dad, the spirit was right.

I was going to tell you at Christmas but it appears the Spirit has let the cat out of the bag.

Anyway, as it's now out in the open, when would you like to meet her?

LMAO! That lifted my spirits, Stumbling. You made me laugh!!! And you are absolutely right, Kolobian!!

Yes... I feel like this is a lose-lose for me. I don't know how or if I even CAN deal with this...???

<<<He continued to insist that it would happen, telling me that I needed to start making drastic changed in my life and make sure that I was "available" to this wonderful man in my future.>>>

So your father is trying to emotionally manipulate you into self-fullfilling this fantasy of his so you don't make him out to be a liar while simultaneously reactivating you into the church?

Yep, sounds like a typical priesthood holder to me.

And I wouldn't go near your dad. Remember the LDS bride who was kidnapped on her wedding day because her father & mother were convinced she was marrying the wrong man?

No I've never heard of this one! O_o

Dad, you are correct I've met a great bloke and we've agreed to be married just as soon as he gets parole...

gemkitty Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I grew up the star child in my family, and my worst fear is disappointing them.

> The church has hurt me the worst by putting me in a position where I feel like I am not loving my parents enough when I do not do as I am told.

Part of the task of individuating yourself as an adult is in disappointing your parents. Gemkitty, I promise you, they will get over it.

Your dad is not having visions or anything like that. Think of it as being his own special way of dealing with your inactivity. It's a type of wishful thinking. This is how I would deal with it -- I would say, "Aww dad, that's soooo *sweet*. We'll have to see if your intuition comes true or not! But dad, I'm not going back to the church. I'm glad that it gives you and mom joy, but it's not for me. I realize that will be a disappointment to you, but that's how it is. Please respect my decision as you wish for me to respect your own religious choices."

As for continually selecting from a series of "Mr. Wrongs," my own pet theory is that you do that when you are a) not emotionally ready for a relationship, and/or b) you don't think deep down inside that you deserve better.

I would say to just enjoy the single life for a while. You are still very young. Find some nice, decent guys to be friends with and consider taking a break from dating for a period of time. Just my two cents. ;-)

This is the sensible advice I wish I could give.
I aso wish I'd been given advice like this when I was your age.

Now, I'm big enough and ugly enought to feel totally comfortable being myself and standing up for myself and what I think.
Say 'no'. Say it early in life and say it often, especially to Mormons. You'll feel so much better.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 06:02PM by Stumbling.

Well, yes, he does sound a little crazy. He actually sounds more like a fundimentalist. No offense. Keep us posted, we might need to start a witness protection program!

"Thanks for your concern Dad. When god decides to give "me" the revelation, I'll give it some thought."

My dad got revelation about who I should marry too....bad idea to follow that advice.

Don't live your life according to someone else's thinking.

I'M single!

Tell pops you met a fella and maybe he'll back off.

I'm charming, quite literate, and everyone says I'm real cute and I've been told I'm a great kisser.

Or do you object to interspeciesal dating?

I have trouble with wearing garmies, but that's only because my tail gets in the way.

Your Romantic Pal,
Reggie The StalkerDog™

Don't listen to him, he says it's a tail but...

I mean, sure, she'd be the second wife, and early 20's is pushing it on the age for having multiple wives. We don't want those eggs turning sour!

Joking aside and to the OP:

It sounds like the whole family has some relationship issues that need to be......navigated.

Your mother can't tell your father that he is acting crazy. Your father can't use his frontal lobe.

You are just getting out of some nasty relationships and (probably) need time to sort that craziness out.

Everyone should just CALM DOWN and BACK OFF!

For advice, I'd just say that you make peace with disappointing your parents and then just confront it.

You left their cult, they will be disappointed. It speaks well to your character that that disappointing will hurt you. Many of us know that.

But the reality is that you WILL disappoint them. And THEY will have to deal with that.

Dear Thomas, my Father has been having visions. Why havent you?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 06:13PM by Stumbling.

Probably by noticing that there was a "with" right after "was" and before "a".

Huh? Propositions? What? Oh, the importance of vowels... :-)

Hope you feel better, soon!
jpt

"This last spring I was dating a guy who ended up having a girlfriend. I had also just ended a long relationship with an abusive alcoholic. Before that, I was with a scumbag who was into animals... and before that, I almost married (at the tender age of 18) a 34-year old man who had a child porn collection/problem/whatever. So I really know how to pick 'em! =)"

To be honest, listening your dads marital advice that he receives through visions may not be the worst thing you could do...

-no porn collection
-no abusive conduct
-(will be) No Other intimate friends
-no substance abuse
-home every night, clean & sober
-ex Mo, RM (we'll only tell fam about the RM part)

-NO WAITING, you're FIRST IN LINE

guynoirprivateeye Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> -no porn collection
> -no abusive conduct
> -(will be) No Other intimate friends
> -no substance abuse
> -home every night, clean & sober
> -ex Mo, RM (we'll only tell fam about the RM
> part)
>
> -NO WAITING, you're FIRST IN LINE


There is probably a reason why she would be first! Investigate that Sam Spade.

Time to make some decisions ahead of time. What are your options if Dad will not back off? Where else can you live?
Do you have skills that can be used to get job back out in “the world”. Are you willing to succumb to living a life based on your fathers nighttime adventures? Are you going to get kicked out if you get some girlie nards and set some boundaries with Dad?

Are you just going to put up with the craziness and for how long? Yes he is your dad, but once you’ve lived away from home there is only so much you can mentally handle when you come back, and based on what you’ve told us I doubt he will ever quit. (I see a surprise exorcism in your future)

You prolly should flesh all this out and make some internal decisions. Living cheaply with crappy roommates may (emphasis on “may”) be better.

BTW. I am the father of three girls out of five kids. The church teachings that emotion is a way to determine truth has screwed with your fathers rationality. No offense. Its just a bald faced fact. I would never do that to my girls.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 06:29PM by AmIDarkNow?.

Tell him that when the holy ghost gets around to giving you the same revelation you'll let him know.

This is propably a 50-50 deal, but you might try talking to his bishop. He just might be one of those bishops who are reasonable. If he isn't, at least you had the opportunity to give him your side of the story. Then you can ask him to explain some doctrinal issues. I'm wondering how long it would take to come across a bishop or stake president who would admit "that polygamy shit bothers me too".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 06:59PM by joelaban.

"I am wondering if he is going crazy...????"

I'd say: Yes.

He's put you in a bad situation, but it's par for the course for members of the Corp. He's learned the method well. If you do what he says, everything he's said will come true. If these things don't happen, then it was because you failed somehow. Also, he's made it personal: You will have failed HIM if it doesn't happen as he's said.

What does your mother say? Has she witnessed these "revelations before?

Tell him you love him, and that you know that he wants the best for you. But this is your life, and you must live it as you see best. You must exercise your own free agency to make your own choices, to follow your own path to happiness (he'll claim that only his path will lead to happiness).

If he continues with his revelations and directives, thank him for caring so much about you. And say, "we'll see how it all works out..."

(... and keep track of all this for his commitment hearing that's likely coming...)

the cult teachs fathers that they are the patriarchs of their family and are entitled to receive revelation for their spouses, adult children, etc. The church also teaches PH holders that they can receive revelation in all forms, i.e. visions, dreams, still small voice, etc. You father has been conditioned to imagine revelation and that this imaginary communication is from God, and is contingent upon his worthiness. His priesthood ego is riding on this.

My advice. Let him know that you respect his belief and that you appreciate his love and concern. However, this may be a good time for you to start introducing boundaries with him of what you believe.

Here I go with my own fatherly advice (5 girls). Don't get married until you know EVERYTHING about the individual. Marrying someone after knowing them a short time is the mormon way - and it's the stupid way. You may have to live with that person for a year. You must be compatible, including sexually. If not you'll end up divorcing. Tell your dad that you want to finish school first and that you won't marry anyone within a year.

Most likely his condition will continue to deteriorate. Suggest he get into counseling NOW. He is loosing it and you know it. You may need to also get some counseling to help you through this.

Careful not to play into his mental fantasies. Your relationships with your boyfriends will seem insignificant in comparasion. This didn't happen over night. It won't go away over night. You are very lucky to have arrived where you are with as few problems as you have experienced.

My mother had a vision like that. She literally ended up in a straight jacket. just sayin

If you have the option, i think a therapist could really help you deal with all of the people who have, and currently are manipulating you.

IMO your bad male relationships are somehow a reflection of your relationship with your father.

Focus on what YOU need, not what your dad wants.

If it were me, i would make sure i didn't marry anyone for at least a year.I wouldn't want to feed the insanity. You need at least that much time to figure out why you have chosen the men you have in the past.

I pretty much made all the same bad selections in my past, and have over the top crazy TBM parents. Your story sounds a bit familiar to me. I had nobody to help me see what was going on. It slowed down the progress of my life considerably.

Great advice!

Until I moved to Utah and started reading RFM I sincerely would have never believed this craziness existed.

I think there has been lots of great advice from experienced people (fortunately, I am not one of the Mormon experienced) and I hope you find a way to live your life the way you want to. Period.

Sounds like a control and guilt trip to me. Shame on you for thinking on your own!! You have moved into the darkness and need someone to make your life choices. You are an adult and it sounds like he don't realize that. You are still his little girl. Is there any reason you can't move out of the close realm of his grasp? See him and the family less. Worked for me. Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice. And I agree about the previous boyfriends. There is no way I could be married in a year. I would have to be with someone for longer than that before making a decision as serious as marriage. Guys are the last thing I want to worry about right now, anyway... which is part of the reason why this "revelation" was so startling.

Luckily, I live with my awesome roommate about an hour from their house. So as of now I am visiting about once a week. They push for more, but I just can't have that happen. I just got a decent job to support me while I finish school. They are not helping me with anything...

I think I do need to work on my self-confidence, self-esteem, and saying NO! I just love them sooo damn much... I am powerless when I am around them. It's kind of pathetic what being in the same room as them does to me!!!

When can you get him to see the shrink? That is so bizarre. Just say, DAD I know you believe this and it is just not the way love, engagement and marriage happens. Don't allow him to say you are confused ever again. That is his tool to manipulate you. GET you alone or with your mom only and tell you just that you've been a bit confused. Tell Dad to knock that off, because you are an adult and you will tell him IF you ever become confused. He doesn't make that declaration.

Have you officially left the church yet? If not, do so immediately! That way, even if your dad does contact the local bishop, you have the absolute legal right to tell him (the bishop) to stay the eff away. Your dad has a constitutional right to say and believe anything he wants, but you have a legal right to refuse contact with mormon clergy.

but, really, grow a pair!

You sounds like a whiny whimpy gal who wants somebody to tell her what to do.

You aren't stupid. Do what YOU want. That may include telling me to go to hell, which is fine.

But sincerely, quitcherbitchin and live YOUR life.