I am a convert to the church of about 7 years. DH is a BIC. We have been married for almost 5 years, and I am now questioning/totally don't believe in the church. He knows this and is as ok with it as he possibly could be at this point. Our biggest obstacle right now is tithing. He of course wants to keep paying tithing, and I don't. I understand that he won't just stop paying all tithing because I don't want to and I am willing to compromise, but he is not willing to compromise and just tells me "I pay a full tithe". Has anyone dealt with this with TBM spouses still in the church while you are leaving the church? I am a stay at home mom, am I allowed any say in this? Since this is all his income? I feel like I should, but maybe not...Advice? Help? Thanks.

Yikes, too bad you feel it's all his income because you are a stay-at-home mom. I personally work outside the home part-time and the days I'm home with the kids are just as hard or harder as my career...and I have a physically and mentally challenging job.

Why not split his income 50/50 and he can tithe on his half? I've never tithed a dime in my life because I'm not Mormon and I can tell you that even I have blessings in my life :o). A concept quite shocking to Mormons!

In fact, I'm blessed to not have to cut my two-year-olds hair for quite sometime because my four-year-old did it for us today!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 08:43PM by christieja.

He shouldn't pay a dime without your consent. It's called "family finances" for a reason. No part of the family's budget should be given to an organization that either of you finds morally reprehensible. If he must give, choose an amount you can afford and a charity you can both feel good about giving to.

If he insists tell him that's unrighteous dominion. If he thinks the bishop will take his recommend he may be right, but that's not your call to make. We've paid no tithing in six years, and my wife has always been able to keep her recommend.

Right in theory. In practice, however, legally, he is entitled to do what he wants with his money.

Figure out how many hours a year you are with the kids alone. Multiply by $40 an hour. Deduct that from his annual income. Tell him he can tithe on what's left.

It shows that his heart is still in the Church. It has been easy for me to give up paying tithing because I realized I didn't receive "blessings" for it. I was getting deeper in debt to pay tithing. "I know" that God doesn't want me getting deeper in debt to pay tithing.

"am I allowed any say in this?"

Apparantly not. And the fact that you ask if you are "allowed" speaks to the type of relationship you have.

Your husband likes to give money to a Corporation, while receiving nothing in return. The more you make an issue of it, the worse your relationship will become.

Chalk it up to his stupidity...

The traditional retirement pension has fallen by the wayside and few companies provide them. If you rely on Social Security only for retirement income, you will be living below the poverty line. About 90% of the people who reach retirement age DO NOT have adequate personal savings.

So where do you stand? If you are well off financially and have plenty of money in IRAs and are continuing to put more money into your IRAs, then this is not an issue. But if that is not your situation then your DH should immediately cease and desist from paying tithing and instead put that money into IRAs

Money paid in tithing is a total waste. You might was well be throwing the money into a bonfire. The Church is a scam perpetrated by the master scammer Joseph Smith. You should not be giving them a [expletive] dime of your income.

Issue number one: Does your husband get to decide how every dime is spent, since it's paid directly to him? Or are you equal partners in the relationship, with you contributing at home, and him at work. If he's domineering about money, you have WAY bigger problems than tithing. I know in my house, it's not his money and my money. It's OUR money.

Issue number two: Is you husband afraid to disobey the "law" of tithing because it's a commandment he doesn't feel authorized to break? I know when I was TBM, I didn't feel there WAS a choice. If we didn't have the money, it went on the credit card (cash advance checks). It was not optional.

My husband (closet apostate) did manage to talk me into not tithing on Social Security, figuring how much we had EVER paid tithing on, and deduct that from tithing due. This was because we would pay tithing on SS benefits at retirement. I think we also skipped out paying tithing on Medicare taxes. It wouldn't make sense to tithe on money that basically went to insurance (even the most TBM don't usually pay tithing on work-paid insurance). He tried to talk me into paying on net instead of gross, but I didn't go for that one (until I stopped believing. Now we pay 0% ).

Anyway, those are a couple of ideas to reduce the tithing bill without making him feel too unrighteous.

My honest opinion? I don't know how long since you stopped believing, but it might be good to give him some adjustment time. Not too much, but it's tough to have a spouse leave the church, and for that to affect HIS ability to stay temple-worthy (I HATE that phrase) as well might be too much all at once.

The money my husband paid while I was coming around showed me he cared more about the relationship than the money. But DAMN I wish I had that money back!

Anyway, you'll figure it out, I'm sure. But if he's the type of guy who thinks all the money is his, and he's the one with the power in the relationship, solve THAT problem first. I have zero respect for those kinds of men.

imaworkinonit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Issue number one: Does your husband get to decide
> how every dime is spent, since it's paid directly
> to him? Or are you equal partners in the
> relationship, with you contributing at home, and
> him at work. If he's domineering about money, you
> have WAY bigger problems than tithing. I know in
> my house, it's not his money and my money. It's
> OUR money.
>
> Issue number two: Is you husband afraid to
> disobey the "law" of tithing because it's a
> commandment he doesn't feel authorized to break?
> I know when I was TBM, I didn't feel there WAS a
> choice. If we didn't have the money, it went on
> the credit card (cash advance checks). It was
> not optional.
>
> My husband (closet apostate) did manage to talk me
> into not tithing on Social Security, figuring how
> much we had EVER paid tithing on, and deduct that
> from tithing due. This was because we would pay
> tithing on SS benefits at retirement. I think we
> also skipped out paying tithing on Medicare taxes.
> It wouldn't make sense to tithe on money that
> basically went to insurance (even the most TBM
> don't usually pay tithing on work-paid insurance).
> He tried to talk me into paying on net instead
> of gross, but I didn't go for that one (until I
> stopped believing. Now we pay 0% ).
>
> Anyway, those are a couple of ideas to reduce the
> tithing bill without making him feel too
> unrighteous.
>
> My honest opinion? I don't know how long since
> you stopped believing, but it might be good to
> give him some adjustment time. Not too much, but
> it's tough to have a spouse leave the church, and
> for that to affect HIS ability to stay
> temple-worthy (I HATE that phrase) as well might
> be too much all at once.
>
> The money my husband paid while I was coming
> around showed me he cared more about the
> relationship than the money. But DAMN I wish I
> had that money back!
>
> Anyway, you'll figure it out, I'm sure. But if
> he's the type of guy who thinks all the money is
> his, and he's the one with the power in the
> relationship, solve THAT problem first. I have
> zero respect for those kinds of men.


We both contribute to running the budget every month and deciding what money goes where. I have always felt like we are equals financially, but he definitely does not feel like there is an option to not pay tithing. If this were about anything else, I would push harder about it...but because this would affect his temple worthiness (something that HE cares about, even if I don't), I don't want to push too hard. I guess I stupidly hoped he would cave easily.

My Ex BIC TBM, to whom I was married for 32 years, is only getting more and more fanatic with age.

I'm so sorry that you got lured into Mormonism. You may be in for a lot of unexpected surprises, as you transition out. Sorry to be so pessimistic. I hope you don't have children yet.

Suggest the 50/50 idea. He should be able to pay tithing on his own half and still keep his recommend. My Bishop suggested that, and my situation was reversed. I am the breadwinner, didn't want to pay tithing, but my wife wanted a recommend. It ended up that I now pay Zero tithing and my wife still has her recommend.

If that doesn't work, tell him that you will support him in his tithe-paying if the church will provide a financial statement to him, showing where all the money goes. If the church is being honest with what they do with the member's money, they should have nothing to hide, right? Make the issue about what the church does with the money, not about his beliefs. Did you know the church subsidizes BYU to the tune of around $1 Billion dollars a year? That's right-a significant portion of your tithing dollars goes to scholarships for middle class white students.
And if they don't provide a financial statement, then suggest that you both pay tithing to a charity that does provide information as to how the money is spent.

Misfit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Suggest the 50/50 idea. He should be able to pay tithing on his own half and still keep his recommend.

Snuffy, see if you can get your husband to agree to this. A number of people here have been able to do just that.

Put the 5% that you won't be tithing into a housing fund or an IRA. I can tell you that it's very, very difficult for middle-class families to save adequately for retirement. If you start setting aside money now, you will thank yourselves later.

The church has sunk billions of dollars into the new mall (the City Creek project) in SLC. Unless God has a fondness for real estate development projects, your money is best spent on your own family.

Keep in mind that the average non-Mormon Christian donates in a range of 1-3% of his or her family's gross income. Out of these donations, Christian congregations build churches, fund colleges and missionaries, pay a certain amount of overhead to their administrative bodies, and pay ministers, youth program directors, organists, church secretaries, custodians, and more. What's more, it's now the norm for churches to publish their budgets, either to their membership or the world at large.

In all the years that I attended Catholic and mainstream Protestant churches, I only heard the concept of tithing raised once. It was raised as a suggestion in a talk by a church member who was trying it out. On no other occasion did I ever hear it referred to, and most certainly not as a commandment from God!

It's a fair question to ask where the huge amounts of cash are going that are donated to LDS, Inc. Where, oh where is the accountability? The church does *not* need all this money, regardless of what it would have the membership believe.

You don't pay on yours.

Or you could both pay the full 10% but to causes you both want to help support. Many charities are in dire circumstances because of the poor economy. They'd love to have a little help especially at holiday time.

Half of his pay is yours like Cheryl said, it's community property. If he pays tithing on his half he is a "full" tithe payer. If he or his Bish has an issue with that tell them both that the county Judge thinks otherwise.

To be quite honest snuffy he is robbing you. He is taking what is yours without your permission and is not spending it on family. He is throwing away money that can be used for a myriad of things, vacation, school, car for teenagers ect. Now you will have to scrape for those things when the time comes and may even have to go into debt. (don't do the debt thing).

I am a member and spouse is not. Last year I tithed on one half of our COMBINED household income. Bishop considered it a full tithe but panicked and went to Stake President, who said it wasn't and were that so "then everyone would do it" - I am not making this up and I paid a fraction of that this year and will for every year to come

That SP is way out of line!

Most others would be much more reasonable.

Good for you for paying less in the face of that kind of intimidation. Yes, it would sound like a stretch especially to members of other chuches, and some might think "You're making this up," but I've heard these stories before and know it's the honest truth.

Thanks - I guess "everyone" would mean part-member families, of which there are a number in our Stake. But, then again, this might have been meant to chide the Bishop for not squeezing the max out of me. Bishop is a straight up fellow and he told me all about the SP incident. At any rate, I thought it would be fair henceforth for the missus to decide how much to give since her opinion matters as much if not more than mine to the church on every topic BUT tithing. Family First!

I'm in the same boat as you. SAHM, DH is the only income. I actually don't have a problem with paying tithing. The problem I have is that it goes to the LDS church. I had a little extra money from a Pell Grant and tithed on it (after ALL school expenses/books paid). Except I tithed it to a different church. I told DH the day I did it, but he FLIPPED out. At first he said it was "our" money and I had no right to do it without first telling him. Then I told him I didn't want to pay tithing on my half of "our" money. He quickly changed his tune and he pays tithing on "his" income and I can choose to pay where I want on "my" income.

This caused a lot of fights/tension in the home for about a weeks or two. The kids saw my point of view and thought he was being ridiculous. He was the one being mean about the whole thing.

Why do people think they are obligated to show up for a so-called tithing settlement or to pay 10% of their income to the morg?

This is brainwashing, pure and simple.

Most people who do so also give free time to the morg. So, in effect, they pay twice. Doubly foolish.

All other Xtin churches manage to pay for their ministers, and other services performed, out of the free-will donations the congregation produces.

Mormonism is a rip off. but we already know that.

I have no problem giving money to charity, and would love the opportunity to do it! I just don't like it going to the LDS church. DH and I discussed this once for a few minutes in the car about a week ago, and I've just been trying to figure out the best way to bring it up again. I don't want to fight about it, but at the same time I am not going to be the submissive house wife that can't voice her own opinion. So, I will find a good time this week to bring it up again.