My wife and I are beginning marriage counseling because a huge rift developed in our relationship when I confessed that I can no longer believe in Mormonism. I went through a transition to agnosticism, and when I told her I didn't believe anymore she felt betrayed, confused, and alone. Basically, it's the standard story of one LDS spouse changing their faith and the other spouse's reaction.

My problem is that we are beginning counseling, but in the time since I confessed that I was agnostic, my beliefs have developed further to be more atheist and hippyish. So, I'm faced with this predicament: do I keep talking about agnosticism because it is less threatening in hopes that she will begin to be reasonable about alternative beliefs, after which I can talk about atheism? or do I lay my new beliefs out on the table again for the sake of honesty, but face a further accusation of betrayal that again I explored my worldview without her?

(I'm sorry if this topic has already been addressed elsewhere. Links to applicable discussions would be appreciated as well.)

Do you believe in any gods? If not, you're an atheist. That doesn't mean you claim no gods exist. I would make that clear from jump.

Most people who believe in gods (theists) are also agnostic because you can't "know" for sure whether any gods exist or not. That's why they have faith.

I wouldn't dance around it. If you don't have a belief in any gods then you're an atheist.

Amen to that.

If you don't believe in God, you're atheist.

Wow that's weird bc that's exactly what's happening to be. Not exactly, as I really want to become Catholic. My wife is a dyed in the wool TBM whose family goes back to the founding of the church (aka The Original Lie). I've heard a lot about betrayal and being a liar and basically ruining her life. Real supportive and self esteem booted she is.....

Yes very similar. Betrayal and blame. And being told that I lied to her.

I believe what most disaffected exmos endure in a troubled TBM marriage is that the TBM spouse suffer from **Religious Identity Crisis**. That is, their personal identity is so attached to LDSinc, that any attack on it is a personal attack on them.

How does one avoid breaking up the marriage and yet remain true to beliefs? Logic and rational thoughts will not work. Arguing better will not fix it. Showing the church is false will not persuade. You're asking your TBM spouse to essentially, figuratively cut off a part of them they still recognize as healthy. Telling them their "arm" is diseased will not work.

What then do you do to avoid attacking the personal nature of their identity crisis?

Show as much respect as you can. Do not belittle the church. Do not attack their belief. Just keep it to yourself at home, and hopefully you'll get respect and tolerance back. As a great example, you should validate a TBM spouse's concerns/fears without apologizing. Recognize that s/he has a legitimate fear from his/her perspective/belief. Then once s/he verbalizes that you recognize his/her fear, politely turn that table around, and ask him/her for the same consideration.

If you can sense the TBM spouse will tolerate a quiet, personal held belief, then ask him/her what they want in the marriage most-- Ask him/her to lay all the cards out. Ask them if they truly love you, or is it only the idea that they will spend eternity with some celestial version of you. Do it in respectful tone. Let the cards land where they may.

On the other hand, seriously, if you are married to a person that refuses to let you have your inner, personal beliefs (which you are keeping to yourself), then that marriage is already doomed from the outset. A controlling relationship like that--where you cannot even have your own opinions/beliefs--is unhealthy to a degree that will end up in bitterness and disappointment. Cash out, if that is happening.

I had that kind of marriage. I couldn't even begin to show my doubts. I tried once, through a little humor about Mormon culture. I got the doghouse for weeks. To bring up actual doctrinal/testimony issues was a death-knell for us. I realized that the issue wasn't the church, it was her insecurity and need to control me. On all matters, not just church, she found ways to hammer what I did. I left. We have five kids. And 3/5 are out after three years. The other two, 8 & 12, will probably question it too.

When this was happening, I realized that no matter what happened--divorce or stay married--there would be misery. The kids would suffer from dysfunction. But if I got away, I had a chance for personal happiness, and provide a refuge for the kids to be away from the TBM control. It worked out. I am so much happier. They are too, being free and able to express whatever they need to around me.

Thanks a lot for this advice. My approach has been fairly similar, and I really like the idea of talking about being able to quietly hold my own personal beliefs and opinions. Having us both lay down all the cards seems like the best option.

Been there, done that . . . going through the divorce right now to prove it. My attorney said, "Marriage counseling should be called *divorce* counseling."

Be true to yourself - don't hide or lie about your new beliefs. But prepare for the worst.

You will always, always be marginalized in the believer's eyes. No amount of counseling will change that. (I've seen it too many times on this forum).

I'm in a similar spot except my DH flat-out refuses to get counseling. Period. Exclamation point.

In our case, I let him think I am still vaguely Christian. Atheism is so far opposite from Mormon beliefs that I think it would push him over the edge into the Freak-Out Zone. For now, having him think that I still believe in God and Christ has minimized some battles.

I don't know what is right for you and your situation, but I suggest trying to play up whatever beliefs you still have in common. Emphasizing or bringing attention to any disparities makes the tension in my house SOOOOOOO much worse. I'm trying to let him adjust to a little at a time before I throw another brick at him. Best of luck to you!

I don't know if you've considered the approach of gently reminding your husband in subtle ways that he's not technically a theist, not really.

I mean, he worships Elohim in the name of Jesus Christ, but it's not as if Elohim is really the god of creation the way most people look at it.

Subtle reminders that Elohim is an alien who lives on a planet in another solar system somewhere and relatively recently was a carbon-based life form like us; and that ultimately we are all on equal footing except that Elohim simply got into this game a little sooner than us might go a long way to bridging the gap between his form of alien worship and your lack of any theistic beliefs.

So what is your long-term plan? I basically brought up my agnosticism because I realized renegotiating our relationship after kids would be far more difficult than doing it now.

My strategy has been similar to yours, but the time I have given my wife hasn't seem to have done anything to lessen the hurt. (I told her about four months ago and every conversation since then has been the same. She still maintains that I made a promise to stay in the Church no matter what, and that breaking that promise is betrayal of her.) How long is useful to give someone to adjust? I realize my deconversion took years, but that seems like a long time to keep a relationship in limbo.

muucavwon Wrote:
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> So what is your long-term plan?

I am struggling to decide if it is worth it to remain in a marriage where I will never be the number one priority. We have young children and have been married over a decade, so for the moment I have chosen to try to stick it out without being a doormat - in other words, he worships his way but he has to respect that I will worship my own way (or not at all, as the case may be). I try to show that one can be a good and moral person without the LDS Church and slowly and subtly expose him to other worldviews. I will always hope that he will someday 'see the truth', but I know it might never happen.

> How long is useful to give someone to
> adjust? I realize my deconversion took years, but
> that seems like a long time to keep a relationship in limbo.

I've been going on this for over a year now, with no end in sight. Another friend of mine said it took her nearly 5 years. The only exact answer I can give is "a long time, maybe never".

A lot of people here think I am making the wrong decision and that I should divorce him because our relationship will never be what it should with the Church in the way. I see their point, but I have my reasons for staying. Only you can decide what is right for you. But we're always here to give our two cents on any given matter!!!

If so, I'm afraid it will probably be an exercise in futility.

No. I made sure that we are not seeing an LDS counselor.

I can sympathize (been there, fuck that), but what a stupid reason to attend counseling "...because I can't believe in Mormonism". That's downright ridiculous.

Ron

Yeah, it sounds kind of weird in the tag, but I mean that we are attending counseling to deal with conflict in the relationship that has arisen because I can't believe in Mormonism anymore. I am hoping that an outside perspective will be able to diminish some of the personal biases we have and facilitate better communication.

Maybe I understand what you're saying: we're having to go to counseling to try to save our marriage over some imaginary worldview. Yeah I've thought about how stupid that is.

Not to disenhearten you, but I opted for the divorce instead of the brain damage.

Just sayin'...

Ron

It's tough for sure. Being in a polygamist marriage where "THE CHURCH" is supposed to be the first spouse.

You'll find out right quickly who she chooses to side with.

I wish you nothing but the best.

In some ways I think that might be easier--she chooses that the Church is more important than our relationship. Then we figure out how we are going to transition out of the relationship. On the other hand, it might still be a terribly messy divorce even if she tells me she chooses the Church.

One thing I'm afraid of is her telling me that she chooses me over the Church in order to maintain the relationship, while privately believing I'll come back to the point where we both choose the Church. Am I projecting my own conniving on to her, or is that a legitimate possibility?

muucavwon Wrote:
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> One thing I'm afraid of is her telling me that she chooses me over the Church in order to maintain the relationship, while privately believing I'll come back to the point where we both choose the Church. Am I projecting my own conniving on to her, or is that a legitimate possibility?

It's a legitimate possibility. We've had board members post to that effect before. Some other possibilities are that you come to respect each other's beliefs within the marriage, or that she eventually follows you out. There are many possible outcomes, although sadly, divorce is one of them.

The advice that you'll see most often here is that when in doubt, proceed slowly. Give her time to adjust to your changing beliefs. You'll have the best chance of success if you go about it in a very patient manner.

We all wish you the best of luck. Keep posting and let us know how it goes.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/02/2011 03:11PM by summer.

I posted this question above, but in terms of being patient and proceeding slowly, what kind of timeframe are we talking about? Months, years, decades?

I believe that you mentioned above that you don't have any children as yet? -- so you will *definitely* want to get this figured out before kids come along. If it were me, I'd give it 2-3 years, but your wife might force the issue at some point.

You also mentioned above that she is throwing your promise to stay in the church in your face. I would tell her gently that it's unrealistic to think that people don't change significantly during the course of their lives. She married a good, decent, honest man, and that won't change. But where you live, what kind of work you do, what role material wealth plays in your life, your political and religious beliefs, etc. are all subject to revision. If she feels differently, tell her to check back in 30 years. People don't stagnate.

The Mormon Church is a lie and based on lies. There's no reason for somone tricked into making a promise to keep it unless they choose to for some other reason.

muucavwon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I posted this question above, but in terms of
> being patient and proceeding slowly, what kind of
> timeframe are we talking about? Months, years,
> decades?

How long did the brainwashing take? Triple that time, and you may have an answer.

Apparently you do not have children.

So I'd say state your (non)belief and let the chips fall here they may.

If she chooses the church, you may as well know it sooner rather than later.

A true TBM will not let you co-exist peacefully, and neither will the morg.

Cut your losses.

"True TBM". Ha ha ha. This is a ridiculous distinction that makes perfect sense.

It sounds like you've become an agnostic atheist, just like me. From my perspective, the greatest probability is that there is no God, thus I believe in atheism. However, there is a small possibility that there is a God, thus I'm agnostic.

My story is basically exactly like yours, and my wife and I did some counselling. The best thing I took away from it was the need for respect of each other's beliefs. I learned that certain things I talked about were threatening and attacking to her, even though I was just relating what I had learned. She didn't want to talk about that stuff. She had to learn a different set of things relating to not forcing me to box in my feelings. In the end, I had other avenues to express my religious discoveries, but she was still willing and wanting to know how I felt, even if my descriptions of my feelings weren't accompanied by details about why I felt them.

My counsellor used the example of a couple she knew where the TBM took the approach "his new beliefs are imporant to him and, despite being misguided, give him a sense of spiritual or intellectual well-being, and I respect that." The Ex-mo took the approach "Her faith is so important to her and, despite being demonstrably false and problematic, gives her purpose. Why would I want to pull the wool from her eyes if she doesn't want me to?" Both members of the couple were fully aware of this attitude from each other, and had no problems with it. In fact, they were seeing the cousellor for a totally different, unrelated issue.

Of course, both have to be on board for something like this, and my wife and I have gotten there I think. But that's only to prevent marriage failure. To build it you have to do certain other things, of course. Look up the languages of love - it's very helpful to put cash in your partner's love bank account, and to do it in your partner's currency. That way you have a reserve for the rough times and conflicts that will inevitably arise from these types of contradicting religious views.

That's really interesting that your wife wanted to know how you felt, but not the reasons. I think that might be similar to what my wife wants.

I have a hard time understanding how a mixed-faith marriage works for you and your wife or the other couple you mention. If the TBM spouse believes you both have to be temple worthy to get to the Celestial Kingdom together, why does the TBM stay in the telestial marriage?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/02/2011 04:03PM by muucavwon.

Easy. Because I still have the rest of this life and part of the next to turn around. Thankfully the philosophy that you only have one chance at the gospel is out-dated.

I also pulled out my secret weapon, and you can feel free to do the same. My wife didn't like it because it goes against everything she believed about getting into the celestial kingdom, but she hasn't found a way to successfully explain it yet...

D&C 132:19

"And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever."

We were married in the temple, and every word of this verse applies to me. It also guarantees that as long as I don't kill anyone, I'm going to the celestial kingdom whether I want to or not. My wife even tried to explain particular wording in ways that it might not apply to us, but I actually used other scriptures to confirm that indeed it actually does apply to us. She still loves me and wants to be with me forever, and technically my apostasy, no matter how "bad" it gets, isn't going to end that.

Well, so long as I don't murder anyone, anyway.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/02/2011 04:35PM by kimball.

Ha ha. Very nice!

I'm sorry, that probably didn't make much sense. I referenced and pasted the wrong verse. The one I used was D&C 132:26, and is WAY more applicable:

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man marry a wife according to my word, and they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, according to mine appointment, and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever, and all manner of blasphemies, and if they commit no murder wherein they shed innocent blood, yet they shall come forth in the first resurrection, and enter into their exaltation; but they shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption, saith the Lord God."

The endless hair splitting over agnostic/atheist definitions is really beside the point. If you are willing to play the Mormon game, nobody would much care what your beliefs were. I think GBH believed Mormonism was a con game. The sheep didn't care at all. He played the game beautifully.

If you won't play the game, you are a threat to the viability of the game. Your question is whether your integrity is more important than your marriage. Her question is whether the game is more important than her marriage. I like your question better.

This captures my sentiments really well. I don't want to play the game anymore. And I don't want to bring any other players into the game.

My two cents. It's not a bad idea to go to a couple of sessions and ask to focus on "how to manage conflict."

It does not matter what the source of the conflict is. But getting and practicing some really great conflict resolution skills is a great benefit, whether or not you resolve the marital conflicts. If YOU work at it, and you develop some great skills, they will serve you well the rest of your life.

If you stay married to the same person, you're better off. If your spouse and you part ways, you're better off because of the skills you have worked hard to develop.

It is a way to take some control of the situation so you benefit from this whole messy experience.

I would stay with the agnostic route. We are all technically agnostic well except good ol Joe Smith <g><g>. The church lied by omitting important/critical information, so you stretch the truth by taking the middle road.

I'm agnostic in delicate company. Even though I'm a die hard athiest. I don't see it as lying. There could be a God. And bubble-headed monkeys could fly out of my butt.

My situation isn't too dissimilar.

A few months ago I shared by "doubts" about the church with my wife and was immediately threatened with divorce. I have avoided discussion on any topic since, but she still believes I am a Mormon with doubts, rather than the atheist I have become. I no longer have any doubts whatsoever regarding Mormonism. I know for sure that is a fraud and built upon a web of lies.

But my marriage is probably hinging on whether I overcome my doubts and turn again towards Mormonism or not. She is giving me time to realise that THE CHURCH IS TRUE afterall. I am giving her time to soften up and approach the truth with an open mind.

She doesn't know that there is literally ZERO chance that I will ever go back or consider myself "Mormon" ever again.

I don't know whether she will ever read or study her religion with an open mind, or whether she will ever leave me based on our differences.

That is terrible. Every so often the idea that the Church holds marriages and relationships ransom to keep people from admitting disbelief causes me deep bitterness.

The beginning of the end for me! Her love for me was totally based on Mormon beliefs and practices. Without that I might has well been her dog on a leash! None the less I am happy today for living my truth and not conforming to beliefs that had me twisted on the inside. I wish you well and hope your results will be different with the counseling.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/02/2011 06:22PM by runningyogi.

Making Marriage Work for Ex-Mormon/Mormon Couples

I have been a casual observer of mixed religious marriages of former or unbelieving Mormons through an e-mail list and discussion board for former and unbelieving Mormons. It appears to me that unrecognized couples development issues underlie these religious struggles. In fact, from this perspective, mixed marriage couples have two tasks, each related to the other: individuating within the couple relationship while individuating from Mormonism.

In Quest of the Mythical Mate, by psychotherapists Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson, provides a developmental model for couple relationships based on the concept that, like individuals, develop from a state of symbiosis toward a fully developed state of interdependence. The process may take years, and if successful, its culmination is characterized by partners who are able to participate fully as themselves in the world while relating intimately with one another.

Summary of Bader and Pearson’s Developmental Model

Symbiotic Stage

According to Bader and Pearson’s model couple relationships begin with Symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is to bond, creating a couple relationship based on the feeling and perception of “oneness.” It is characterized by “falling in love,” the merging of personalities, and intense bonding. As anyone who has fallen in love knows this stage feels wonderfully good and exciting. The lovers magnify similarities and overlook differences and are capable of deep passion and mutual giving. If all goes well, the individuals become a couple. (Bader and Pearson p. 9.) Challenges at this stage may include loss of identity, fear of abandonment, and fear of engulfment. Recognition and expression of differences may arouse anxiety and interactions may focus on masking them. (Bader and Pearson pp. 244-245)

Within Mormonism, “oneness” is highly valued, with oneness meaning observant Mormons are ideally in complete agreement and compliance with LDS teaching and practice. Dissonance is discouraged and sometimes punished with expulsion from the group. Because the Mormon ideal is to live as family units in the afterlife, failure to fulfill Mormon ideals is serious issue for believers. LDS psychotherapist Marybeth Raynes insightfully describes this expectation of similarity and some of its consequences:

"With a strong emphasis in the Church on finding a right and wrong way for everything, identical religious thought and action between marriage partners is encouraged. Where there are differences, one spouse must be wrong. Ironically, any church that has many criteria for goodness sets up as many points for conflict as for congruency. (This is true generally: the more areas two or more people want to share, the more areas for potential disagreement emerge. This is why friendships often work better than marriages; we sharply limit the number of concerns which overlap with our friends and often become really close to only those with whom we agree.) We may be unwittingly sharpening a double-edged sword as we increase the number of rituals and programs a couple must share as a condition for a happy marriage." (Raynes, Marybeth. Issues of Intimacy: A Mixed Religious Marriage, Sunstone Magazine, March 1985, p. 40.)

Differentiation

Once the ecstasy of the Symbiotic Stage begins to diminish, the partners begin to see the relationship more objectively and they enter the Differentiation Stage. In the Differentiation Stage, the partners begin to reassert individual boundaries. Partners notice differences and may want to have time alone. At this point, if differentiation happens suddenly or cannot be tolerated by one or both partners, the relationship may end. (Bader and Pearson p. 10) Often one partner begins to differentiate before the other. Challenges at this stage may include the symbiotic partner feeling betrayed and threatened as the other partner begins to differentiate. The differentiating partner may feel guilty for the perceived betrayal and anger at the lack of recognition and acceptance of difference. (Bader and Pearson pp. 246-247)

For Mormon couples, conflicts can arise when a partner individuates from the Mormon faith as well as from the partner. Depending on the degree and kind of change, as well as the believing partner’s own views and needs, he or she may feel loss and threat on several levels: personal, familial, social, and existential. Some believing partners may feel betrayed, having entered into the marriage with the understanding that the integrity of the marriage is guaranteed by a shared belief and commitment to Mormonism. The questioning of that belief and commitment may call the marriage into question as well as the integrity of the less-believing or non-believing partner.

Practicing

As differentiation proceeds, the couple enters the Practicing Stage. At this point, partners turn energy away from the relationship and toward their own needs and toward their own interests in the outside world. The defining characteristic of this stage is “I want to be me!” The partners are busy discovering themselves as individuals. They are less attuned to their partner and the relationship. Partners may become self-centered and concerned with their personal power. This stage is marked by conflict. Successful conflict resolution and negotiation skills are needed to maintain the relationship. (Bader and Pearson p. 11) Challenges at this stage are successful conflict management and maintaining empathy and emotional connection. The danger at this stage is irreparable damage to the relationship or its loss. (Bader and Pearson pp. 248-249)

For the questioning or former Mormon, this phase not only entails turning energy to other interests but can and often does entail a transformation of identity, world view, and changes in affiliation and social status. The believing partner may at this time feel frightened and betrayed and also experience an unwelcome change in status within his or her ward due to the partner’s changes. The non-believing partner may also feel afraid of losing his or her family and friends and may treat the process of change as a battle that has to be won against the partner and social community. He or she may forget that being himself or herself also entails a commitment to allow the partner to also be himself or herself, however the partner defines that, if the relationship is to survive. Because differentiation is hard-won, sometimes at great personal and social cost, a partner who is or appears to be opposing change may be quickly defined as “the enemy.”

Each partner may also seek and find sources of personal support in increased church activity or in affiliation with groups critical of Mormonism. While this move is natural and may be helpful for the individual partner, the danger is the couple will feel not only that they have little in common, but they become proxies for conflicting ideologies. Battling over ideological issues can quickly obscure and destroy the deeply personal and vital elements of friendship that underlie and support intimacy and commitment to the relationship.

To prevent or lessen the tendency to define the believing partner as “the enemy” it may be helpful for the couple to set aside or “bracket” religious issues for an agreed-upon time while working on the conflict management skills and to build their “marital friendship.”
Two sets of conflict management skills are essential: The couple needs avoid behavior destructive to the relationship, especially contempt, criticism (as opposed to complaint), defensiveness, and stonewalling (“the silent treatment”). At the same time, the couple needs to recognize, develop, and use repair skills during and after conflicts to reaffirm commitment to the partner and the relationship.

Rapprochement

If things have gone well and the couple has maintained their friendship and each has developed a secure sense of identity, there is a shift again in the relationship towards intimacy and vulnerability while at the same time each partner maintains an independent identity. The relationship holds a balance between "I" and "We." Partners nurture one another consistently and are able to negotiate changes with little threat to the relationship. They can give to one another when it is inconvenient without feeling put upon. (Bader and Pearson pp. 11, 250) Challenges in this stage include finding the right balance between the needs of the individuals and the needs of the relationship. Over-compromise is the main temptation, as the cessation of conflict is pleasant. However, stress comes mainly from outside the relationship rather than from within it. (Bader and Pearson p. 250)

An issue faced by many ex-Mormons is having established a separate identity, sometimes at great cost in personal relationships and social standing, how much can be compromised for the beliefs of the partner and still maintain a sense of identity and integrity? The believing partner, of course, has the same issue. Ideally, in day-to-day practice, the couple develops mutually acceptable ways of addressing the issues presented to them by both the Mormon and non-Mormon world. The challenge is not only to avoid over-compromise but to avoid becoming engaged in ideological battles when new issues arise.

The couple will also need to recognize that every long-term, intimate relationship includes intractable problems that can be managed but not resolved. John Gottman’s work, again, provides practical research-based information and exercises for doing this, such as postponing problem-solving, taking turns talking about one another’s dreams within conflicts, looking for areas of flexibility where couples can work together, and supporting spouses’ dreams to the degree possible. (Gottman, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, chapter 5)

Mutual Interdependence

At this stage, the relationship each partner relates more fully to both the outside world and to one another, secure in the knowledge and experienced of being loved and accepted for themselves. The partners are able to reconcile the ideal and perfect with the real. They reach a stage of mutual interdependence in which two mature people relate from the basis of growth, shared interest, vulnerability, and love rather than need. (Bader and Pearson pp. 11-12.)

At this point the couple will have consciously determined how and how much of a role Mormonism will play in their relationship as a couple and for each of them as individuals. They will have largely reconciled the ideal and perfect with the real and the possible. The enjoyment of particular individuals committed to one another will take precedence over commitments to ideologies and fantasies of what “should be.”

A Few Recommendations

Realize that couples relationships evolve and change, and some conflict is expected in the process. Often one partner will be in the position of changing and the other in the position of trying to “catch up.” Conflict does not mean one partner is bad and the other is good or that one is necessarily right and the other wrong.

Find and focus on areas of agreement and mutual interest. Keep communication open and as much as is honestly possible, emphasize what is working, what is positive, and what you appreciate. Satisfying marriages have a positive to negative communication ratio of 5:1.

Articulate disagreement as complaints rather than criticisms. Criticisms attack character, whether of your partner or of your partner’s belief system. Complaints focus on behaviors and actions rather than character. Ideally, a complaint could (and would) be presented as a request for positive action (a request to do a different behavior rather than a request to stop a behavior).

Focus on working through differences and creating situations that work for the both of you rather than fighting about “who is right.” Beware of becoming a proxy for ideological positions, whether “Mormon” or “Ex-Mormon.”

When you recognize you are stuck or gridlocked as a couple on an issue, set aside the question of who is right and look at how you are communicating rather than what you are communicating. It can be helpful to agree to set aside a particular issue for a mutually agreed upon amount of time to work on aspects of the relationship that are working.

When you do return to a difficult issue, listen closely and ask your partner about the underlying dream the issue represents. You may find you can support aspects of your partner’s dream while at the same time recognizing you do not share the entire dream or your partner’s methods of fulfilling it.

I highly recommend obtaining a copy of Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John Gottman, Ph.D. It is very readable and practical, and it is based on empirical research with thousands of couples. Dr. Gottman addresses the issue of what to do with intractable issues, such as those ex-Mormon/Mormon couples face (although he does not address Mormonism itself).

If you and your partner are talking about divorce or splitting up, seriously consider making an appointment with a relationship counselor you both can agree upon. Get recommendations from other people who have had good experiences working with a counselor on similar issues. The most important quality of a counselor is you both feel comfortable with the counselor and he or she is interested in helping work through your problems on your own terms.

Conclusion

Viewing relationship through a developmental lens provides a perspective that change and conflict are inherent in couple relationships is not fault of either partner. When one partner is committed to Mormonism and the other is the process of questioning and rejecting it to a greater or a lesser degree, the issues of individuation and the possibility for break-up may be acute. By becoming educated about how relationships develop, about conflict management, and about specific issues presented by the Mormon belief and lifestyle, I hope ex-Mormons and their partners will divorce less often and experience greater satisfaction in their relationships.