I typically lurk at RFM, only occasionally posting. I first found RFM in late 1999 or early 2000, when I started coming to grips with the fact that my belief in core teachings of the church were tenuous and weakening--despite sincere, intense and prolonged attempts at fortification.

Around that time, I disclosed the fact of my weak and eroding "testimony" to my wife. She initially took it very hard. She asked what was the point of our marriage if I did not buy into the church's message.

After a period of time, we attained a state in our relationship of general peace, with intermittent bouts of depression on her part related to my lack of belief. It seemed to me that such was to be the state of our marriage for the duration of our lives--except for the fact that my wife is awesome and has commonsense.

In subsequent years, her view of the church and its teachings has evolved. She informed me a while back that she believes a "little more" than I do. When we talk, she doesn't nail down her belief with precision. So I'm not entirely sure as to the depth and breadth of her "testimony." However, she has in the last several months given some hint by way of her actions. She stopped wearing garments. She also allowed me without any real objection to skip church with my younger son for some recreation, while my older son was away on a school-related outing. She went to church by herself that day, but she did not seem unhappy afterward, though she did indicate that she did not support our skipping church every week--but that may be changing.

Last week, we went home between sacrament and PH/RS. We were discussing church and why I don't believe. She indicated that I don't really know that it's not true. I agreed that I couldn't prove that it wasn't true, but re-affirmed that my experiences with prayer, scripture study, etc.(which she has heard numerous times over the years) did not lead me to believe it was true. Then,for the first time, I shared with her some of the temple endowment changes that occurred in 1990. In preparation for my mission, I had gone through the endowment a few months before the changes. My wife, however, had not gone through the temple until after the changes, when we got married. I told her about pantomiming slitting my throat and disemboweling myself. She had no idea that the endowment had once included such elements. She didn't say a whole lot but seemed a little disturbed.

I stated that I don't believe in the church but do believe in love and that I would go back for PH/RS because I love her. It happened to be a joint PH/RS meeting on missionary work. A few times during the presentation when ward missionaries were sharing their testimonies, she gave me a smile that seemed to communicate, "I know you don't believe this and I'm not sure I do either."

It's hard to know exactly where my wife is on the belief scale. But I get the feeling that she's making progress. I hope someday we can fully liberate ourselves from the church.

That's great. Sometimes I think attending church might be the fastest way to lose a testimony - after those first seeds of doubt are planted. The more you look at it, the more you start to see it for what it really is.
I also think it's great that you are so supportive of your wife. Whether she believes or not, she knows you love her more than you care about religion. That can only be positive.

"you can't prove it's not true."

This isn't how the world works!

Otherwise you should attend EVERY single church that's ever existed. Because, hey, you can't prove that it's NOT true.

I know your wife said this and it's easier to just agree with it. But it's total crap.

It's up to the church to PROVE that it's true. It's not up to you to disprove it.

And so far there is NO positive proof of any of the church's claims.

You are right regarding the burden of proof. I do not disagree with you in the least. By my comment in response to my wife's observation (i.e.,
that my experiences did not support a belief in the church), I hoped to softly convey to her, in essence, that a belief in the church needs to be supported by evevidence--rather than that disbelief requires evidence.

Six years ago, my husband was in exactly the same position you are in. He'd stopped believing, after years of feeling his fasting, prayers, and priesthood blessings were in vain. Like you he'd also been to the temple prior to the changes, whereas I'd gone after. The more he thought about TSCC, the more things did not add up for him. This was a huge blow to me and to our marriage. I'd struggled too, but I thought our lives were finally heading in a positive direction and those elusive blessings would finally come. It made me sad that he was cynical and turning his back on what I thought was responsible for not only making us who we are, but also bringing us together. To turn away from the church felt like turning away from me. It was a very depressing time. He continued to come to church because he decided he loved me far more than he hated god. He tried his best not to say anything negative about the church. However, sitting in those meetings with him, knowing how he felt, I started looking at everything through his eyes. What did I REALLY have to show for all my faith and effort? Where were the blessings or the evidence that we were any better off for doing things the morg's way? The more I looked, the more I saw that our biggest family problems were a direct result of TSCC's impossibly high standard and lack of real-world solutions/advice. The more I looked, the bigger the holes I found in the church. It took a few years, but we're now on the same page. My eyes have truly been opened.

He feels guilty sometimes for what he put me through, and for me eventually losing my testimony, but I tell him I already had my doubts before this all happened. Honestly, it means more to me to know that if I'd stayed a TBM, he'd have continued to come to church solely because he loves me, but I'm so glad we've now both seen the light.

Continue to support your wife. I'm sure she has doubts of her own. It means a lot to her just to have you there. And maybe she'll come around, just like I did :)

Get Todd Compton's In Sacred Loneliness.

Tell her you would like a woman's perspective about JS's womanizing. Tell her to you, as a man, it seems obvious what was behind it: sex and power. Ask her to read it with you and explain why women don't see it that way.

My husband said it bothered him deeply the way women were treated in the church. Yet the women were fine with accepting it and perpetuating it. He wanted to know why. In the temple (pre 1990 changes) my husband said he felt sick when I bowed my head in the temple and said "Yes" that I would obey him. I was very uncomfortable doing so. I didn't understand why God needed male middlemen between me and God. I didn't buy into the "role" business.

It soon became clear to me that I was not OK with a male priesthood organization defining my role.

Then I found the issues about the papyrus fiasco and BoA.

If you keep feeding your wife information and if she is an independent thinker, she will begin to think her way out.

My husband played along until I realized it for myself.

Through my research that is something that keeps catching my attention. If women are so sacred why you treat them like shit?

THIS points one of the Fatal Flaws of Mormonism/ChurchCo:

They want Everyone to believe faith/beliefs are a Group Activity!

they're NOT!

they Individual!

you have NO BUSINESS telling wife/anyone what to believe, it's up to each to decide, then live with results.

Comfort her, be her Friend; but telling another 'what to believe' only leads to problems/resentment!!

IOW, be 'Faith Neutral" as far as wife, older kids.
that's the way to promote healthy, mature people

be a HUSBAND!!! that's what you are to Wife, NOT her 'pastor', not her Clergy!

inthenameofcheeseandcrackers, Good Times!

You have been very patient and accommodating. Your wife is lucky to have you. I'm guessing that she realizes that as well.