I’ve seen earlier threads that asked “what was the last straw?” for someone to leave mormonism, and another that asked “what was the first straw?’. One of the “first straws” for me wasn’t a theological question – it was behavior modification.

It was a Sunday evening, when I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. We had gone to church three times that day (before they combined meetings): priesthood meeting in the morning, Sunday school at noon, and sacrament meeting in the late afternoon. That evening, there was a special “fireside” meeting at the bishop’s house that I was supposed to attend. I didn’t want to. My mother told me I WAS going, I said I WASN’T. This went on for a few times, until my mother had it with me and proceeded to beat the crap out of me, repeatedly slapping me and literally tearing my shirt off my back (because I had refused to change back into my Sunday clothes). I was then dropped off at the bishop’s house - I think it was my father who drove me. I remember sitting there at that fireside that evening, trying to hide the red swelling of my cheek, and hoping that the bleeding scratches on my back wasn’t showing through my shirt (where my mother torn my other shirt off me).

I don’t remember anything about that fireside meeting, but I DO remember the beating. I associated that beating with this fireside meeting, and I also generalized this to all of the boring church meetings, and then to the church itself. Classical conditioning.

I don’t know if there is anything special or specific to the mormon church that would have encouraged my mother to act this way. Would she have behaved the same way, no matter what religion we belonged to? She was born a Lutheran, and later joined the Pentecostal movement in her late teens, I believe. She converted to Mormonism one year before I was born. She didn't have a clue that her behavior was counter-productive; she thought that if I just attended the meetings, I'd be saved, I'd get closer to the church, and she would be doing her duty in raising her children in the church.

But then again, I don’t know if these other churches would have required four meetings on one day, either…

Seriously ... why beat a dog? I'm sure there are more productive ways of manipulating kids today.

Your mother sounds like she had a lot of issues outside of religion and religion just became an excuse to funnel them at you. If she would beat you that severely over you not wanting to attend a fireside she would have done it regardless with any other excuse to justify and blame you for her abuse.

I am sorry you experienced this as a child. The abuse was not your fault and your decision not to attend one meeting didn't cause it. She was a sick woman and you were an innocent child with the misfortune of being born to someone who would abuse their own child through violence and manipulation.

V.

... as insensitive. Yes, agree with vhainya. Your mom had issues. I was beat by mom as a little kid but not about church. Years later we talked about it and she told me how she was severely beaten as a kid (wire hangers, broomsticks, punches, etc.), but when her mom passed away, she wept because she loved her. She understood her mom had issues. It really opened my eyes to how a lot of what we experience are literally genetic echoes. We represent thousands of years of combined experience, good and bad.

... But having said that ... yes, the church manipulates kids.

Were you ever afraid you'd do the same to your kids?

actually, no -- I was more afraid I'd end up like my dad -- an adulterer who abandoned his family.

I love my dad, but I'm very careful not to perpetuate his mistakes. I think it has made me a better father.

Oh, yeah, she was mentally ill, but we didn't realize it at the time. Unfortunately, most of her outbursts were funneled through church stuff: what we were supposed to do, how we were to behave, etc.

I recently obtained some recordings that my mother made - she had sent "audio tape letters" to her brother, parents, etc., many years ago. Some of these had been converted to CDs. I offered to provide copies of these CDs to my siblings. Although she's been gone over 25 years now, both of my brothers declined my offer to provide them with copies of the CDs - neither one of them wanted to even hear her voice again.

It would have been nice if she could have received some mental health treatment when she was alive, including medication (I don't know what was available then). It would have saved her (and us) a lot of grief.

Absolutely agree with Vhainya. Your mother's abusive tendencies weren't part of the package deal she got by converting to Mormonism. It's ludicrous to think she acted out that violently because of her testimony that you'd be happy together in eternity as long as you went to that fireside meeting. She might justify it to herself that way but it's no excuse. I am sorry you were treated so horrifically but I guess the consolation is that it introduced to you the idea that those beliefs are ultimately destructive. Thank you for sharing.

Definitely a mitigating factor in your treatment growing up but still just tragic all around.

Sorry to hear about the abuse you experienced. Me too, and my raised-in-Mormonism sisters (at the hands of our manic-depressive, over-controlling, very insecure, impoverished-self-esteem TBM mother). And my raised-in-cultic-Mo-ism niece (20 yrs. old, on her own, not attending TSCC, and in therapy) and nephews (ages 8 to 18 - psychological problems already showing).

You had the right to express your truth and act accordingly. Your mother behaved disgracefully. Having been dis-empowered by cultic, patriarchal Mormonism, she turned around and did to you what Mo-ism did to her: used her power to make you do what she wanted. You didn't exist as a young individual for her; you were her 'property', effectively, to order as she wanted. You would attend LDS meetings that she wanted, regardless of what you felt and thought was best for you.

I'm VERY glad that so many people have liberated themselves from abusive Mormonism in the past 15 years of the Internet.

Best wishes!

You would think that if the LDS church was the true church, they would preach against things like physical abuse. I've known far too many Mormons being abused verbally, physically, or sexually by TBM parents or spouses, however I RARELY heard anything taught against this in general conference, church manuals, or church meetings.

Any thoughts?

They think they arleady have it. They think they already did it. They think that by makeing people fit into thair mold they already worked out all thair bad sides and bad habits. Instead they made them worse.

As a kid, and as an adult, I've noticed that the most frequent topic for talks and lectures in the church is: Tithing! Unfortunately, there are many more needs out there - that are really more pressing, such as... "Don't beat your kids!" "Don't molest your kids!" "Don't abuse your spouse!"

The church told their people - their very young people - to have children... soon and often. But they didn't give them any instruction as to what to do with them - how to raise them. It would have been great if there were solid, research-based parenting classes offered by or through the church. That could have helped many who needed it.

I got pulled into the bishops office and chastised for it. Then I was asked if I had been abused and that's why I cared so much to bring "a piece of the world into church."

I hadn't, but my sister had by a member of our ward. When she came out to the bishop, it was covered up and the kid still went on his mission.

I know that GBH said a bunch of stuff during conference when the catholic church was getting huge fire. But talk is cheap.

Your mother would be in jail nowadays.

Something similar happened in a local Mo family here in California.

The father beat the 14 y o kid for misbehaving in church. When he went to school Monday morning and showed the welts to a counselor, CHild Protective Services came to their door and threatened to take their other kids away.

AS I recall, they were on some kind of probation for a long timee.