I was sitting here thinking about all the baggage I carry from the church, the guilt, the self-loathing, the perfectionism, but I suddenly realized what I took away from the church more than anything: They taught me how to lie.

As a church member, I learned to put on a false face every day, to lie to everyone and even myself about who I was inside and what I wanted out of life. I pretended to want the scripted Mormon life and told myself I wouldn’t be happy or fulfilled any other way. I learned to tell other people who were struggling that keeping the commandments, praying, and reading the scriptures had made me happy and helped me overcome my problems. I told myself that what was on the surface was really me.

But it was a big lie. All of it.

I wish I had learned to lie!!!! It was the constant honesty that made my life hell. I knew it wasn't working and everyone around me could see it. My mom who is still TBM has already commented on how much I have changed and how me leaving might not have been such a bad thing. My dad won't say it, but he agrees. He just secretly hopes that I come back some day. He left as a teenager himself and came back after marriage and kids and he hopes that I will do the same. Its just not going to happen. I spent a lot more years (10+ more) then he did dealing with the shame, the guilt and the Church leaders' "counseling." I could never put any of my kids through that.

agreed

mormonism taught me to be good at quickly figuring out what the people around me think i 'should' be and then being that

the hardest part of recovery for me is learning to just be me

Funny you should mention this. My husband's ex-wife is a TBM and a habitual liar. Although, when he married her over a decade ago, she was not a practicing Mormon (or at least that's what she told him and that's what she appeared to be). We have had so many problems with her over the years in all matters dealing with his daughter (visitation, child support, etc.). She would lie constantly about everything and then attempt to justify herself by screaming, yelling and throwing a temper tantrum. She has now successfully turned their daughter, who is also a TBM (imagine that), into a liar as well - it's horrible! It's as if the Mormon Church, because of all of the untruths and deception that it tells its members, perpetuates and solidifies the ego self in an individual as opposed to the Christ or the True Self of the individual, and these TBM just don't get it.

You are so right. I figured out subconsciously at a young age that putting up the right front (lie) was the only way to survive
in the mormon church. The only prompting I got from the Holy Ghost was when a still small voice inside me said, "For God's sake, don't tell anyone you masturbate."

Years later, after I left, I realized that that is what almost everyone is doing. The pressure to be perfect is so severe sometimes that it is just easier to fake it. Living their way is so against human nature and decency and deep down you know its impossible. So for surival, you put up your front. It's no different that eating a cockroach if you are starving.

Since I have left, I get into way more trouble because I tell the truth a little too much.

1. What a cult really is

2. That no human being knows what spiritual/life path is right for ANYONE except themselves!!!

What I learned.

That in the pecking order of life, I am at the bottom. At least around wealthy Mormons who have pioneer ancestors and again, wealth.

I've learned to 'stick to my own kind' and will stay around blue collar workers from now on and avoid the high and mighty.

I have learned to be a bitch. I was nice, trying to please people, now people can please me, seriously. I will not try to be accepted, liked or what not. If it works, it works and I am not going to bend over backwards to make it work, if you know what I mean.

I learned to be my own general authority. No one has the power, the right, the authority to tell me jack squat about my life or any aspect of it. I will shun anyone who tries to 'guru' me or be 'the religious high priest' with me or my family.

What I learned...was that it's a lot more fun NOT to have any involvement with the MORG...my folks were TBM's...my mom being a convert was a mega TBM....but they loved me anyway...and my Catholic wife my not church raised kids...

I learned how to blame myself if things were not going the way I thought they should. Hate church? Obviously the problem was me. Thought it was a load of crap? My fault. The church is perfect. Unhappy living this rat race? I wasn't doing enough.

1. ChurchCo can spin ANYTHING to their POV / Advantage!

they really.... ought to have a PR subsiduary!


2. 'Cafeteria Members'?
HOW ABOUT CAFETERIA LEADERS !?

3. Without a Doubt... the chief 'value' that Mormonism teaches is: To be DEFERENTIAL to PH authority

4. the Specificity of ChurchCo claims is what kills it, SO: be ambiguous, condescending. Don't Say ANYTHING that may come back to haunt you!


I used to be an electrician; we could always tell what the inspectors talked about in their training meetings, because ...
guess what... those were the points of the Code that they pointed out to us for the next few weeks. D'oh.

Basics of Christian Living? Not in ChurchCo!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/12/2011 01:37PM by guynoirprivateeye.