I struggle so much with the personality of my co-worker and it's becoming unbearable. I wouldn't befriend her in everyday life because we just don't mesh so it makes it difficult to be confined with her in such a small space.

Her youngest son just went on a mission (this is son #3 to do so) and yesterday I literally had to bite my tongue off because I really don't want to lose my job. She got tears in her eyes when she said that her son's grandparents might not be alive by the time he returns from his mission. How family oriented is that? She then cried because the good-bye's were so hard but stated how blessed she is that she gets to talk to him four times in two years!!!

She, along with her church, pressured and brainwashed this poor young adult into going away for two years with almost zero family contact and we're all supposed to feel pity for her? I'm beside myself over that mentality. Not to mention that she tells every single stranger she can about her son's mission. Granted, we're in Utah but it doesn't change how unprofessional it is to discuss your personal life without being prompted by said stranger.

Just venting...thanks!!!

Christeija, your co-worker is seeking sympathy and admiration. For the very reasons you mentioned, you don’t feel these things at all in this situation (nor would I or most exmos!) and you do not appreciate being cornered into expressing them when you don’t feel them.

The next time your co-worker starts in about her (obviously to us, very mixed) feelings about her son’s being gone on a mission, try this:

Christeija: “Would you be willing to help me with something I am confused about?”

Co-worker: “Yes.”

Christeija: “When you talk to me about your son and his mission, how would you like for me to respond?”

This will make her think about exactly what she does want and articulate it. See what she has to say. Make it about YOUR CONFUSION that YOU need help with, rather than about HER peskiness and inappropriateness by trying to saddle you with her emotional challenges. In this way, you will keep her from feeling defensive, and open the possibility for a resolution.

If she asks you what you mean by feeling confused, explain that since she seems both happy and sad about the mission, you don't know what to say (and therefore need her help.)

Be sure to use a neutral, non-judgmental attitude throughout.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

I realize it would jeopardize your job, but here's my response:

"Will you please shut the fuck up??!".

Ron

++++1

Most mormons I know would still envy you. You seem to see this mission as a mixed blessing. I would think that many mormons would change places with you being mother to three missionary sons.

I remember when my oldest brother left, we all thought my grandpa was going to die while he was gone. It was horrible! But grandpa was so proud that his first grandson was serving a mission for the lord. Also, I remember someone saying that if grandpa did die, he could protect my brother from the other side. So, I guess that's a nice perk of death, because we all know our dead relatives in heaven prevent bad things from happening to us.

You're all great for giving me such fantastic responses. I sometimes need to hear words of reason instead of reacting to her with mean comments (which is really what I want to do).

I would respond to her feelings in the same manner that you would want her to respond to you if you were distressed about something important to you. You need not approve of the mission in order to do this. I would say something like, "It must have been hard to have your family all together, knowing that your son would soon be separated from all of you" or, "It must have been hard for your son to leave all of you for such a long period of time." I would also try to offer her what comfort you can, i.e. "Will he be able to email you on his mission?" or "Think about all of the interesting adventures that he'll be having in someplace new to him!" Etc.

Hopefully she'll calm down about it at some point. It can be difficult to have to work closely with someone whose views are so radically different from your own.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/09/2011 03:51PM by summer.

Although I'm a compassionate and caring person, I just can't take it that far summer. When her son decided not to go on a mission and marry his long-time girlfriend instead, my co-work cried and cried and cried. Not to mention that she left me on and off throughout the day (my job can be very challenging to do alone) to sob and make one phone call after another.

Fast forward a few months and the son decides to go on the mission after all. Sorry, in my eyes you can't have it both ways. She pressured and guilted him into going and now has to cry to someone other than me for losing two years of her child's life. All in the name of religion.

You have my sympathy.

Have you tried just not being there for her, and not responding at all? Just keep your head down, and keep working.

I assume you are trapped in an enclosed space. I don't know what type of work you do, but can you wear headphones, and listen to your ipod? Or, just wear the head phones without any music.

Are you there to work? Can you tell her that you want to keep your office more "professional" and free from outside stresses? That seems reasonable, right? Can you tell her that you're in the middle of something, and too busy to talk? Tell her that you need to finish early, or that you have problems of your own, or something else is on your mind.

How about going on a tirade of your own. For example, every time she brings up the subject of missions, start off on the recent killings of the two elders on bicycles. You could tell her your views, then whenever she brings up the subject again, you won't have to say anything except, "You know how I feel about missions."

My pet peeve used to be people complaining about their spouses. I had a higher-pressure job than they did. I would politely tell them to take it to the break room. Whining and complaining spoils the tone of the whole office. You could talk to your supervisor about it.

Before I was in charge of all the hiring, we were stuck with some Mormons in our office, who gossiped and talked about religion, until it drove us nuts. I ordered a professional sign, and nailed it on the wall by the inner desk and water-cooler area. It read, "No religion and politics in the workplace." We had to point to the sign quite a lot, but it worked, eventually.