For those who don't remember my introductory topic a couple of months ago, I will offer the very short version of my story by way of introduction:


A few months ago I began to "investigate" the church I have been a member of all my life, being BIC to second and first generation TBMs (my Dad being a convert). I am late twenties, temple marriage to a TBM and two young pre-school children. The results of my investigation were - not surprisingly given I know how to Google - that I discovered the truth (at least, I discovered what is NOT true...)

My wife knows a little of my investigation, but after some "testing of the water" I decided to refrain from sharing the full extent of my non-belief, or that I am leaning towards atheism. My parents, and siblings, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces etc all believe I am a TBM.

I made a decision a couple of months ago, about the time I started posting here, that I would essentially keep quiet, bide my time, and work on subtly sharing the truth with my wife, over years if necessary. My number one priority, as a family man, is to remain a family man with my wife and children.

BUT, it is so hard living this way. Not a day goes by without me working out in my mind what might happen if I said "F*** it! I QUIT!" Send my resignation email, tell my wife and parents, and be done. This is made especially hard because I am living a double life - drinking on the sly, coffee at work, the odd beer etc behind my wife's back. To be fair, I have been doing this for years on and off, long before I met my wife. The only difference is that the focus of my guilt has changed. Previously it was because I was "sinning", now it is because I am lying to my wife.

I don't know how long I can keep this up. I know that some people in my boat go years, maybe their entire life living as a Mormon without believing. But NOMs try to avoid conflict by living "as if". I hate living as a Mormon. I hate being "peculiar". I hate telling people at work why I don't drink tea or coffee or alcohol, especially when I LOVE drinking coffee and alcohol!!! And there is no way I would accept a calling or give a talk or pay tithing. So I am basically out in all ways apart from two - I still attend church with my wife, and I haven't told anybody I don't believe.

It is inevitable that at some point I will have to quit. But right now I am in a battle with my wife (that she is unaware of) - which event happens first? Her discovering the truth or me snapping?

I am sure some of you reading this have gone through similar experiences. I know some have quit first and worked on spouse later. I know that this high risk strategy can often lead to divorce. I also know that I am living a life of internal conflict that is causing me to gain weight with stress and that I cannot live a NOM lifestyle.

Any advice?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2011 06:45PM by Susan I/S.

I have been walking in the very same pair of shoes as you are wearing for nigh on two years now.

I think my wife suspects but chooses not to ask because she doesn't want me to tell.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2011 06:45PM by Susan I/S.

I am also trying to keep my marriage and family together. I have four kid 18+ and two are getting close to getting married (in the temple). My wife knows of my struggle and I find it difficult to not tell her the "good news", after all truth is good news. I have asked her to see it my way - I am playing the part, not stopped her from writing the tithing checks, support her in her calling, supporting my son going on a mission, etc. But there is very little understanding on her part. There is joy in learning and understanding the truth and there is a great deal of distress in trying to exit with honor (keeping the family together). I also want to say "F-it, I QUIT", but I do not have a clue how to proceed. I am hoping my wife softens over time. I am also interested in what people have to say. I can't go the "F-it, I QUIT" route. Ok I might be a coward.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2011 06:46PM by Susan I/S.

I think you should start sharing what your learning with your wife. At first I'm sure she'll retract and have hard feelings for you, but try not to attack the church and just make her think. Hopefully after some time she'll be more interested in why you don't believe in it. If you can show her that its not true in the long run she'll thank you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2011 06:46PM by Susan I/S.

I can only share MY experience. Your spouses are different, your families, work environment are all different. So like everything else in life, beware before taking the advice of others. With that said.... I lived a lie for several years. I didn't tell my tbm husband that I no longer believed. I just went along to get along. Finally the dissonance was to much for me, and I came clean this past spring. Within 2 weeks my husband and parents had an "intervention" I was dumbfounded by the depth of their rejection and asked the question that unraveled my life: "Are you saying that you are not able to love me unless I am an active participating member in the church?" There was a long pause, and then I heard the emphatic word "YES!" But not from my parents, from my husband of 29 years.

What has followed has been a series of false starts and stops, with ultimate divorce filings. If all proceeds as scheduled I will be divorced shortly after the new year. That is, in all likelihood your worst case scenario. It certainly wasn't at all what I expected. I thought he would be aggravated for a while, but ultimately would accept my disbelief, and we would modify and adjust that part of our life (TOGETHER).

I never expected to be single again. I never thought I had so little value to him as a human being, wife, and mother to his son.

I have no problems with dissonance now. However, solving one problem has created a multitude of others. Ultimately, I know I will be OK. I just have to go through the process of grieving and adjusting to a new reality. This process feels like it will kill me although I have been assured it will not.

What I keep reminding myself is, IF my 29 yr marriage is over because of my disbelief THEN it was never the marriage I believed it to be. Somewhere along the lines I deceived myself into believing my husband had deeper and stronger feelings for me than he did. That is perhaps the harder deception to recover from than the deceptions of the church.

So ultimately I spent the majority of my life deceived in both religion and marriage. Now it's my responsibility to create a second half of my life without those deceptions, and decide which brings more pleasure and delight. If I survive this, I will return and report.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2011 06:46PM by Susan I/S.

It is sad to read that you were deceived, but I also am happy you now realize he deceived you all along. I too had a 29 yr. marriage that ended. But not over religion. YOU can start a new life now that will not include someone who puts a "church" above you. And if you remain single you can find pleasure in things you never had a chance to experience before. Mormons never cease to amaze me.

Rarely in the real world do couples divorce over religion. Oh, it does happen, but in Mormonism the whole family gets involved - interventions take place, shunning etc. I feel for all who experience a loss of a life partner due to a fraudulent religion. How brainwashed they are!!! Good luck as the final pieces are put into place in your divorce. YOU said you have a son. Is he still Mormon? IF so how is he taking his Dad's decision?

This is of course what I fear the most. But then again, as you say, you were "deceived in marriage". Perhaps it's better to find that out and move on rather than spend another 30 years in a deception - two deceptions if we include living the lie with church.

Note that, all too often, such marriages only hold together because the dissenting spouse dares not make waves or assert their own personality.
In other words,the cult runs the marriage.

If a partner chooses the cult over the marriage, you may as well know it sooner rather than later.

Why put off the inevitable. Leave while you still have enough life in you to form a more perfect union, Or to just have some damn peace.

Freeman;

I lived the lie for three years with my very TBM wife of 30 years. I don't think things would have gone very well if I had just dumped the load on her up fromt. I spent a very patient three years trying to ease her into reality. For me, what worked was talking to her about concerning facts and history. (things available in the standard works or written by believers, i.e. Bushman and BH Roberts) Stuff about polyandry and sex with 14 year olds seemed to strike a cord with her. Also discussing ridiculous doctrine like Noah's Ark, Tower of Babel, no death of any kind until 6000 years ago etc. Over time, she became gradually willing to talk and read.

I like to think that I would not have gone on living the lie if I had to, but that is probably a lie. I would likely have kept it up forever rather than loose my wife and kids. I even served as the Ward Mission Leader as a non believer. (Not much success I am happy to report)

I feel so lucky to have been able to bring out my wife and four sons with me. I know i am an exception to the rule though, most are not so lucky. It certainly doesn't work out for most, but for me, patience and long suffering paid off.

to save our marriage for at least a couple of years.

He started talking to me about science (evolution, which I hadn't accepted previously, but he explained the evidence for it, which was very convincing).

He also started bringing up impossible stories from the Bible (primarily Noah).

And he brought up stuff about church that bugged me (How useless is it to take toddlers to sacrament meeting? And who really wants to be visit taught, anyway?)

He never criticized mormonism or it's leaders. Which I think was a smart move, because I didn't get defensive or think he was anti-mormon.

But it did have the effect of challenging my world view, and getting a few wheels turning in my head.

Eventually life experiences and my total lack of spiritual feelings started seriously challenging my world views. All it took was someone to ask me to bear my testimony. I couldn't, and I realized I didn't have one. My belief collapsed within a couple of hours of being asked to do that.

Needless to say, my husband was thrilled!


But I don't think every spouse is going to find their way way. I think 1) they have to care enough about TRUTH to be willing to ask the tough questions 2) they have to have enough courage to give up their world view and social acceptance if that's where the answers lead them. Some people just won't do that.

I think you also have to look at your wife's relationship style. If she's manipulative or controlling, forget about her leaving the church.

She's not manipulative or controlling. Her only problem is the brainwashing she has received, in that her entire life and value system is based around the acceptance that Mormonism is true. She isn't even a very good Mormon, but has so far been unable to even question it's validity. She'd make an excellent exmo if only she could see the flickers in the Matrix and start the journey :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2011 03:41PM by freeman.

Just my oopinion, but lying to your wife no matter what the subject is not good. It will eventually have to be told. So why wait. If your kids are little what will you do when they are of Baptismal age? It is best to make it known now. If she loves her "organization" more than you is that how you want to spend your life? Do you live in Utah? Sorry if you do. But anyhow, this situation is eating you up and it will only get worse. YOUR DAD is a convert, so surely he can see some of your disagreements with the church.

Treasure your wife and kids but be truthful with them. Tell your wife how much you want to keep it together, but you can not live a lie. You could still attend at times with her, but remember that baptismal age will arrive one day. YOU need to tell her NO on that. YOU need to protect your kids. They will one day respect you so much for that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2011 12:55AM by honestone.

I agree with Honestone. You need to protect your children, before they get in too deep. Children are not yet brainwashed, and they will have no trouble leaving, when you offer them a fun family outing, instead of boring church meetings.

My husband was patient, and got me out. He told me about the very first anti-Mormon book he read, and I got very angry at him, and accused him of letting Satan get hold of him--just like I was taught to respond. I was a complete Morgbot. He would drip little tidbits of information along the way, and I'd get mad, and then I would think about it.... I loved my husband, and never considered leaving him just because of church.

He became inactive, and I saw how badly he was treated in our ward, and how much his family pestered him--and me. They blamed ME for his leaving. When the Mormon people showed their true colors, I began to wonder, "Where's the love? Where's Christ?" I was excluded from the couple's social activities, and the more I made my appearances solo, husband-less, the worse I was treated.

If you become inactive, and stick by your principles, your wife should respect you. You can just start gradually, by telling her you're taking a break from church, and it is fine for her to go and take the kids. Don't help them get ready, don't pay tithing, and don't support their fake activities or programs (like JS birthday, primary programs, etc. But, don't argue or give your wife a hard time. Please don't drink or smoke, because those are NOT THE ISSUES. The Mormon uses these petty little arguments to distract from the bigger issues, such as freedom of religion, love, giving children a choice, the real God in the real heaven.

Give your wife and children lots of love and attention--they won't get that in the cult. Expand your life with other interests, do things with non-Mormon friends, develop hobbies or sports together, etc. Become more family and marriage oriented (and less church-oriented). She will be happy.

More marriages make it than not. Have you ever asked your wife how she feels about things? Sometimes, couples are surprised that they are both thinking the same thing! For example, about how weird the temple is, how they don't like the underwear, how they'd like to go to the beach on Sunday, etc.

My heart BREAKS for people who lose their spouse for such a stupid reason. Religion should not be an issue in a marriage. I guess if a spouse leaves because of religion, there was never real love there in the first place, if that makes anyone feel better.... Sigh.....



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2011 02:13AM by motherwhoknows.