I tend to find sex with men demeaning and degrading even if it's physically pleasurable. I've never been able to have an orgasm with a man even if I enjoyed myself and they were very sweet to me. With women, I can, and I feel psychologically better and more empowered about the experience.

However, when I see men, I do have a reaction of "Mmm, he looks good!"...But when I, um, perform sexual favors for men, I HATE it. HATE it. Absolutely despise.

Does that mean I have some kind of sexual disorder?!

you need help!

Really? Why do you think so?

Do you have any idea why you find sex with men demeaning and degrading? Sex is so psychological. Is it a control issue? Men are bigger and stronger (for the most part). Does that make you feel too vulnerable? Have you been demeaned and degraded by men in the past in a sexual or non sexual way?

Well, I'd say stop doing things that you "HATE, HATE, and absolutely despise." It's not a 'commandment' that you have to do what you hate.

Relax, and go ahead and "enjoy" yourself during the other "physically pleasurable" activities...

My initial sexual experiences with men were not at all pleasurable. They were painful, scary, messy...anything but fun. Even when I cared about the person I was sleeping with, I felt empty afterwards. After a while I did have a good time having sex with boyfriends, but it was never as satisfactory as sex with women. The first time I had sex with a woman was the first time I ever had an orgasm with another person.

It doesn't sound like a disorder to me. It just sounds like you're figuring out what you like and don't like.

I'm not so sure. She says she likes men, is turned on by them, and has had some good, if limited, experiences with them sexually. I get the bisexuality; but maybe there is something going on when men bring out such an experience of sex as an experience of being controlled or in someone's power versus sex with a woman as a freer, more relaxed situation. Interesting case. Difficult to determine orientation based on what we've heard so far. IMO.

But you don't think I'm straight, right?

Hmmm. You have had "successful" sex with women, yes? Do you see that as experimentation or as something that you are entirely open to as an ongoing part of your identity?

From what I've read so far, I'd say you were more than just bi-curious; maybe you are bisexual. I'm less sure that I'd say you were a full on lesbian, based on what you've said about your experiences with men.

anonforthispost Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I tend to find sex with men demeaning and
> degrading even if it's physically pleasurable.
> I've never been able to have an orgasm with a man
> even if I enjoyed myself and they were very sweet
> to me. With women, I can, and I feel
> psychologically better and more empowered about
> the experience.
>
> However, when I see men, I do have a reaction of
> "Mmm, he looks good!"...But when I, um, perform
> sexual favors for men, I HATE it. HATE it.
> Absolutely despise.
>
> Does that mean I have some kind of sexual
> disorder?!

Do you see it as having a consenting pleasurable, loving, act of carnal congress between you and a man, or do you REALLY only view it as you "performing sexual favors for men?"

If the latter, then that seems possibly to be an unhealthy attitude, and it might be helpful for you to seek out a professional therapist who specialises in sexual issues.

I mean that I can't stand giving BJs. Hate it. It disgusts me. Actual intercourse is fine.

Oh, well that makes you like a lot of other women I think.

Copulation 1 Oral Sex 0

Like I said, don't do anything you don't want to do (especially if you hate it); it's not a requirement. Then, with that off your mind, enjoy the rest of the show...

anonforthispost Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I mean that I can't stand giving BJs. Hate it. It
> disgusts me. Actual intercourse is fine.

Bloody hell!!! Is THAT all? ;o))

It is a matter of personal taste. (No pun intended)

What is your view on female oral sex? The same? Or not?

By the way, if they are THAT eager for a BJ, have them learn Yoga for better flexibility, then they know what THEY can do! ;oD

And men should not underestimate the importance of cleanliness.
You should be clean enough to eat off of!

And women as well...

problem with men. Everyone should be clean enough to eat off of! I think a lot of men think they are clean but are not. When in doubt, do a taste test. And remember to trim.

Ummm......

Although I may be saying the obvious, and I am NOT trying to be snarky, have you considered (REALLY considered) the distinct possibility that you are not in fact heterosexual, but are a lesbian?

I've read what you've written here several times, and it seems to me that the obvious conclusion is that you are (personally) a lesbian.

Which doesn't mean that you can't appreciate male beauty, because this is a totally different thing. (Just as gay males can appreciate female beauty...but "being able to appreciate female beauty" doesn't mean they want to have sex with those women.)

A good therapist would be a great help. Find someone who hears and understands you, and has experience in assisting both gay and straight clients with sexual issues.

In addition, the best book I have EVER read in this area is “Women, Sex, and Addiction” by therapist Dr. Charlotte Davis Kasl. I highly recommend it; not just for you, but for every woman seeking insight in this area!

Men need to learn how to please a woman. First of all, only those activities that both enjoy should be done. Yes, men can live just fine without a BJ. Men need to have and enjoy conversation with a woman hours before making love, they need to be slow and gentle (loving) and they need to find out what their partner likes and what they don't like. It is hard for a man not to enjoy sex, but a woman is more complicated. A man should make it his goal to make sure the woman is satisfied emotionally as well as sexually. Men also need to cuddle afterwards instead of rolling over, farting and then going to sleep. My wife trained me well. Nothing is more satisfying than to see my wife have pleasure - now that is a turn-on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/20/2011 06:21PM by Joe Laban.

Do you fall in love with men or women or both or neither?

It's mostly been men, but also I don't think I've really been "in love" with anybody. I've been infatuated with men. My deeper feelings have been for women, though there have been fewer of them.

Are you comfortable with the idea of being gay? Do you think that you are?

What is interesting about your original post is that you didn't say that sex with men is unpleasant or unsatisfying. You said demeaning and degrading. It seems there is something there. I'm not gay, but if I were to have sex with a woman I would most likely say it wasn't great and I wasn't into it, but I doubt I would say it was demeaning and degrading. Your thoughts?

I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being gay, and I "feel" straight, although I am attracted to both men and women and have only had truly great sex/connection with women.

Does that make any sense? Perhaps I'm just in great denial.

Perhaps you are in denial, perhaps not. It seems that you feel something is wrong with you. A good therapist could help you think this through. I'm a big believer in therapy. It really helps to talk things out and get to the bottom of things. Take a deep breath, you don't have to figure everything out tonight. You'll figure it out with time. And take another guy's advice and don't do things you don't like. Best of luck to you.

You do, however, appear to be trying to work out just what your sexual orientation is. I'm not sure exactly why that is. If you enjoy having sex with women, go for it (assuming the woman is also interested). If you don't like having sex with men, don't. Relax and accept yourself as you are.

It makes sense. I've had a great connection with one man about twenty years my senior; a mentor; it was a crazy, cosmic ride of discovery; every day over a period of three years was some sort of My Dinner with Andre intense discussion. He set me on an intellectual course I haven't exhausted yet, and that was over twenty years ago; he was gay; our relationship was one of the greatest gifts in my life; it was just a shame that his plumbing was so...not what I wanted. I tried and I tried. I spent so much time worrying about women and fantasizing about women that I felt that I had to be with a woman, and I ended up in a number of relationships with women my own age that had sexual connection, and friendship, but were not complete spiritual and intellectual connections.

Erotics is a strange subject. I tell myself that plumbing doesn't matter; love transcends plumbing; and I'll love where love is. OTOH, there is so much cultural conditioning to be one gender and to like the other gender. And I DO like how women are made; men are hairy and scratchy and point hard, sometimes drippy things at you.

I've definitely had crushes on a couple of women, and I love my wife as a person and I enjoy her body when she lets me; and she's pretty good about that, and we share a lot of background and history, but I can't say that she was my mentor, my spiritual guru, my guide in all things sacred and profane. What do you do when someone of the same gender has loved you so beautifully and changed your life and offered you gifts of knowledge that just don't fall into your lap every day or every decade?

Been there, done that. It was icky.

Your post made me wonder how you were treated by key men in your life or how important women in your life were treated. Also, I wondered what attitudes about sex you grew up with--what important people around you communicated about sex.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/20/2011 07:44PM by robertb.

She's just in it for the hope that some old guy will be hopped up on Viagra.

:-)

My dad treated my mom like gold, and my mom always told me their sex was fantastic. I've mined my early childhood experiences looking for an explanation and there isn't one.

I have all kinds of messed up thinking about sex that I received from the Church. I have been trying to change much of that thinking, but it has been difficult. The guilt and shame the Church gives about sex can really mess it up for people in all kinds of ways.

Maybe you haven't had sex with a man who understands how to have great sex.

Bad can be very bad. Great can be....hmmm....addictive?

A woman might naturally know what you need. I think there are many men who don't think about anything but what they are going to get out of it,no matter how easy on the eyes they might be.

Just something to think about. I'm not claiming to be an expert.

I dont like the way a certain very popular beverage tastes.

So I don't drink it. Do you think I should post on RFM asking if I have a beverage preference abnormality?

Love is love hon... But lust is lust also. Seems that the intimacy you feel with woman could lead to love and love is all there is. Everything else is fiction, fear, guilt trips to believe we are dirty rotten sinners no thanks to relegion.
Try going straight and be a goody goody straight girl and then
watch the demons get worse, depression and misery and for what?
Can be attracted to same sex but dont have to sleep with them
unless like a normal marrige opposite sex couple make it offical and loyal/faithful otherwise we are just having fun
and fun bisexual or whatever is a big no no to most relegions
or christian belief systems all messed up anyway judgmental.

However, if counciling dont work then be yourself and
back another horse, belief system and make your own orgasmic heaven. Nothing is greater than good loving sex anyway.

for whats it worth, proberbly nothing but thats my 2 cents worth..

larry....