"Get a life" doesn't work because getting a life means freedom of expression after leaving a cult which tries to limit getting a life or speaking with authenticity.
Others?
"Get some balls or get a spine" don't work because again that's what we're trying to do. We work through our issues and gather strength to face the world. Balls? Don't need them for myself. Spine? Doesn't represent courage for me, only bones.
"Nonmormons also do that." Doesn't work for me because anything mormons do, they probably copied or justified it because they saw it elsewhere.
"Learn to read." I dislike that one most since I've been battling near blindness and also because anyone on RfM knows how to read. Saying they don't is like saying anyone must be an illiterate if they have a differing opinion.
Some posters might love these phrases. If so, they can explain. If not, they can tell why.
Are other phrase I haven't mentioned worse? If so, what are they?
Are there more helpful ways of expressing these ideas?
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2011 11:52AM by Cheryl.
OK bit of advice I can give you that may help a bit. Theres alot of resorces on screen readers. Not meany work onthe web but enough to find one that will. That may help with some reading issues that mean one word looks alot like another and I know I have that issue all the ti me.
Hoping I'll be healed enough for effective glasses in February. Hope you're doing well and are as spunky as ever. I've thought of you and wondered. Since I don't see as many of your posts lately, I thought you might be busy with new projects and interests.
Yeah, I got this one from outright apologists. They treated my account of going through the church as a sad and unfortunate but obvious statistical outlier that beared little resemblance to the vast majority of people's experience of the church as a tolerant and pleasant, happy, joyful, wonderful place.
So when I hear exmos, or presumed exmos, parroting arguments right out of the LDS apologist's handbook, I am deeply suspicious and have trouble finding anything sound or useful to what they are saying.
Think that's a risky one to use. I had it used on me and although I re-read the whole post I still could not find a valid reason to use it. But of course, I knew what I meant and clearly my post did not come across as I intended to that person.
So, I would say, clarify carefully before using any risky phrase. I see people take things personally all the time that I never read that way.
***Well I posted this in the wrong spot.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2011 04:40PM by blueorchid.
After just one post, Immediatly calling some off the wall poster a "troll". It seems everyone wants to be the first to call them out, so the label gets thrown to early.
Invalidation of anyone's experience is emotional abuse
When one tries to invalidate another's experience They _want you to feel different than you do_ They say things to you like,
"Grow up."
"Deal with it."
"Get a life."
They _minimize your feelings_ they say things like,
"It's not worth getting upset over."
"You can't be serious. "
They _deny your perceptions_ they say things like,
"But of course I respect you."
"I was only joking."
One of the phrases I detest here is when a poster comes back with the response "The Church doesn't teach that," when I have posted saying, "When I was a Mormon I was taught such and such."
Well that poster doesn't know me, wasn't in the Branches/Wards I was and heard me being taught what they deny the Church doesn't teach.
Personally, my expectations are to be treated decently by the people who profess to love me. Regardless of their religious affiliation....
But what bugs most about this phrase is the missed opportunity to help someone out who is clearly hurting from being rebuffed or rejected by someone important to them. Instead of giving them a verbal hug, they get yet another verbal slap.
is to take into account people can't see my facial expressions or hear my tone of voice so I have to be extra careful about how I phrase things - to get my point across without sounding unintentionally harsh. The most important thing, however, is to not believe my way is the only way or even the best way to handle things. It's just the way that makes the most sense to me and so when I offer an opinion, it's always with the disclaimer "this is what works for me, if you'd like to try it and see if it works for you." Realizing you don't have the definitive answer to everything helps your posts be more respectful of others' feelings and ways of doing things. Here are some alternatives to the comments on your list:
> "Get a life" could be rephrased as "while you are working out things in Mormonism, maybe you could start to explore other areas of your life and find the real you. Balance the time between trying to unsnarl the Mormonism and trying to rebuild, so you don't accidentally get obsessed by either.
> "Get some balls or get a spine" say "it's hard to stand up for yourself after having your boundaries trampled for so many years by Mormonism but the more you practice holding your ground, the better you'll feel.
> "Nonmormons also do that." I actually don't mind this one because I need to know what is and isn't a Mormon thing, having been so immersed in Mormonism for so many years. But some posters use this dismissively and it would be better to add a phrase like "and it's annoying in whomever does it."
> "Learn to read." If someone misread your post or the intent of your post, the best thing to say is simply "I'm not sure if you understood my point - maybe I could phrase it better by saying ..." That being said, some people are determined to misunderstand because they like to debate or they are so stubbornly set in their own point of view, they can't understand you even when you explain yourself more clearly. When that happens, it's easier to just say "Clearly you don't understand so I'm not going to bother explaining any further."
I have made posts along those lines in the past. My intention was never to invalidate, but to offer perspective. It seems like it should be useful to identify that not all bad behavior is exclusive to Mormons. Part of the recover process ought to be sorting out the difference between the problems with the religion and understanding that some behavior is just human and will have to be dealt with in any context.
Since you are having vision problems and reading the computer monitor is difficult, here are some tips that may help.
NOTE: I use Windows 7. But I think the following magnify tool is present on earlier versions of the Windows OS.
click Start click AllPrograms scroll down to Accessories, and click it. Scroll down and click Ease of Access Click Magnifier.
That opens a new small window across the top of your screen. Now, as you mouse-over text in the main window, that text appears in a much larger font size in that new top window.
A feature of the Firefox browser: press Ctrl + (multiple times if needed) and text on the screen gets bigger. press Ctrl - (minus) to make the text size smaller. After doing this step, the bigger font size will be remembered and used whenever Firefox is started.
Hope this helps!
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2011 02:03PM by saviorself.
I feel like there is a line between disagreeing with another person's opinion vs. belittling the person themselves. Generally, it's fine to dislike someone else's opinion, but it's crossing the line to express dislike for someone else's personality traits, family situation, or personal choices. That's just my opinion, so I don't mind if anyone disagrees with me there. :D
Funny how such appeal to authority is never backed-up by a comprehensive list or formal poll to that effect.
One self-proclaimed scholar who, as it turns-out, has only a masters in demographics, told me that reputeable scholars and historians don't do polls and what-not. When I axed if one has to be psychic in order to gain favorable reputation amongst peers, he got pissed!
So much for blanket statements.
I also like "I've done the research. Do your own research if you want to prove me right!"
This is the Gospel according to Timothy ... Psychics Convention. Be there.
Timothy
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2011 04:22PM by Timothy.
They left the church and everything went like fine And they imply that if you did like they did your troubles would be over and your life would be perfect just like theirs. I mean I know they are nice people and all but it makes me feel like everythings all my own fault for not handling things right, just like the mormons made me feel.
That type of unhelpful commentary is pretty much what I hear from my TBM relatives. So, I get taken aback when I see it on RfM. Fortunately, it's met with the eye rolling it deserves most of the time. It's just annoying, that's all.
"just stop attending", "just stop paying", "just resign", as if it were that easy to leave, maybe easy for some but not for others.
When I feel that new poster who shares his doubts for the first time, but it is obvious that the shelf has not collapsed yet, is attacked about whatever belief he/she is holding on to. And I'm not talking people who are preaching or starting an argument.
When I see someone advise "go to postmormon" it is safe there.
Just do this new paperwork before you leave today.
Just add this one more task to your job description.
The word "just" is a quagmire. Beware!
You are so right. Those things you mentioned are very difficult for almost everyone. No one needs to take them all on in one day when they have a lifetime.