So I'm in a difficult situation. I have been in a relationship for 4 years, I love this person more than anything but it just isn't working. I recently ended it, and it's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. 1. I didn't want to hurt him and 2 I love him dearly and he loves me. I feel like he's become controlling, he doesn't trust me, I just feel very unhappy. Does anyone have experience of reluctantly ending a relationship?

The only experience I have is that people typically wait way longer than they should to end a bad relationship. Although difficult it is very very unlikely that you made the wrong choice.

It's hard to let go of someone whom you've considered to be your closest friend, but you do it for very good reasons. Leaving someone for showing signs of being controlling is an excellent reason. So is having a lack of trust in you. Please trust me when I say that such behavior does not improve. You did the right thing. Both behaviors are very typical of potential abusers.

It still hurts though, I know. Bear with it. You'll feel better in time.

First off, congratulations on having the courage to break it off, even if painful. It is great that you put your well being above your emotions! Yes, I have been in this situation before. It was a very painful thing to deal with and go through. However, in the end, I was much better off without the person that I loved so much. I went on to find someone who treated me well, loved me, and we eventually married. So did he. I know it hurts now, but take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing for you!

PinkPoodle Wrote:
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> First off, congratulations on having the courage
> to break it off, even if painful.

+1

Looks like you got out of a crappy, crappy situation, right? Why are you not so happy you are jumping cartwheels??? Hmmm?

Good grief, girl, let him go! Get him out of your mind and get onto positive, uplifting fun experiences of your choice and pat yourself on your back until you fall over that you got out of a terrible situation!

Now paste that pretend smile on your face and go out and be nice to people! Even if you don't feel like it, smile to a bunch of strangers that probably have some difficult situations in their lives that you wouldn't trade with!

Within you right now is the power to do things you never dreamed possible. Meryl Streep


This power becomes available to you just as soon as you can change your beliefs.

~ Maxwell Maltz



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/16/2011 09:35PM by SusieQ#1.

Here's what I can say:

Controlling people are almost always in love with themselves (or in love with a role) more than with you. They may not always realize it, but they are.

You are not a peer, not a fully autonomous person, and your person-hood is not visible and validated. Your first (and sometimes only) job is to complement the world-view of the controller.

Here is another layer that is often discovered when peeling back the damage from mormonism. As a "member" you only have value to the mormon cult if you play the role you are given. If you don't you are kicked to the curb. WHO you are is not important in any way. Many of us who grew up with this model of authority (overlaid with abusive patriarchal overtones) have not had very much practice relating in truly intimate, personal ways with others, even in our most closest relationships. In a crazy way, the relationships that may feel the most "comfortable" are often the most dysfunctional.

Learning how to actually love the person, and not the image of the person's role or the fantasy of the person's potential or the way the person complements a worldview is a difficult, but necessary evolution from the infantalizing mormon models we may have to draw on.

In your case, what does the insistence of your ex on imposing the jealousy and controls imply?

You express your loyalty and inhabit your own person-hood when you offer yourself fully and sincerely to the relationship in good faith. Instead of honoring your declaration and respecting your personhood and acting as a true peer, your ex denies you and by his behavior calls you a liar. Essentially the most sincere and fully human expression you can offer is worthless and the only thing that matters to your ex is his FANTASY image of you that he has only in his mind.

Can you see how effed up this really is? This is not healthy or sustaining for you, can't you see? I agree with others here that the fact that your ex cannot SEE his bare-faced denial of who you are is a real problem, and the prognosis for narcissists of this variety is not very good IMO. I think you did the right thing.

I'd been involved in a relationship and although I loved her very deeply, I knew it was not working.

30 years later and I still, sometimes, wonder what if??? Then I remember why.)

I've been where you are. Controlling partners don't change. Leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself, and yes, it's VERY hard to do it. I think you're unhappy because you're grieving a great loss. You love this person. Allow yourself time to grieve that loss. But don't go back. His controlling behavior will only get worse if you go back.

Just my tuppence, but from experience.

anon4this Wrote:
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...he doesn't
> trust me, I just feel very unhappy.

And so now you feel unhappy because you got out of an unhappy relationship?

You did the right thing, but that does not mean that every memory of him was bad. So, there are some things you will miss and you will grieve for the loss of the positive things. You were smart enough and strong enough to decide that the bad outweighed the good, but even though you made the correct move, you need time to recover before you move on.

Never forget that you made the right decision, but give yourself some time. Hope you find someone who appreciates and trusts you.