Okay, so have you ever listened to people's testimonies after you realized everything is a big fat lie?

So, the last time I went to church happened to be a fast Sunday. This holier-than-thou lady stands up and is of course crying before she even starts because she "wasn't going to get up there but was so filled with the spirit that she just couldn't ignore the promptings." {gag*}

So she says the normal "I know the church is true and JS is a true prophet of God..." blah blah. THEN... she goes into a story that goes something like this while she's still crying, sniffing the snot up her nose in the mic and emotional with the spirit.

"I often times have thought of heaven and what it will be like. So I fasted and prayed about the answer and I know now that heaven is a beautiful place. I know when I get to the front of the line, I will stand before the beautiful golden gates and when the gatekeeper looks down at his clipboard and scans for my name it WILL be on that list, written in God's beautiful handwriting. I won't be turned away (unless she forgets the secret password & handshake lol) And as the angel gatekeeper checks off my name and guides me through the gates, an usher will take me to the Celestial kingdom. As we pass through the lower kingdoms I will be able to see my friends and loved ones that didn't make it to the highest kingdom. When I enter the CK, I will climb up in my HF lap to live with him once again."

Okay, so, you know when you start laughing at a totally inappropriate moment and you try to hold it in and be quiet but can't? Only making you laugh harder? Well that was me!!! Everyone around me kept giving me 'that look' ~ Each attempt to stop laughing failed when she just kept going. I couldn't even get up and leave because it was too funny not to hear. I'd start to settle down, then I'd look around and see the other members were reverently looking and listening like she was sharing a revaluation straight from the Lord, some even had tears in their eyes too!! IT was more than I could handle and I sunk down in my bench as I started to crack up again, embarrassed more for them than I was for myself. She went on and on and I wish I would have ripped out my cell and recorded her because it was the funniest thing EVER listening to her talk with such belief and devotion! LOL

In that same testimony meeting this girl in her mid-20's stood up, unfolded the paper she took out of her back pocket (yes, she had jeans on) and she READ the testimony that she'd written so she didn't forget anything. After the standard momo testimony intro, I just about died when she said she recently found out she had hep c and she knows god gave it to her because he loved her so much. THEN, she read on about how she doesn't know who the fathers of her kids are but she knew God will help her figure it out.

LMAO! I looked at both doors expecting Ashton to walk in

The girl proceeded to read on for nearly 15 mins with her 'testimony' that was more of a confession and admission of her promiscuous behavior and drug use. It's so funny how you can literally see the entire TBM congregation shifting uncomfortably in their seats when someone shares uncomfortable/inappropriate things over the pulpit.

Some of the things I learned that day...
-There's a line to get into heaven
-God has good handwriting
_God AND Maury both help figure out paternity


Please share other funny stories. Laughing at the stupid-ness helps me deal with this.

I can't help this visual.

So when she gets to heaven, she's going to give God a lap dance?

Oh to be so delusional. It must be pure bliss.

Was she good looking? Maybe you could offer to help her practice so she does it right. You know it's going to be for God, so you diffidently want to get it right.

She was far from cute and I would totally give God a lap dance. Then again, since he can see everything thing we do, he's seen me shake my azz plenty of times ;-)

I was struck by the fact that there were clipboards in heaven. Who knew?

Well Steve Jobs is dead now (and most likely dead-dunked by now) so they should all have iPhones with ATT since ATT has the best 4G network...



so saith the Lord.....

I don't know, ipods are nice and all but there is something about a clipboard. Clipboards convey authority. Give someone a clipboard and hang a whistle around their neck and you can transform any schlub into a worthy leader.

lol...so true...so true...:)

Clip boards are great. I used to work in a hotel, and if I didn't feel like doing anything, or wanted to get out of going to a meeting, I just had to walk around the hotel holding a clipboard, and everyone assumed I was being productive.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/17/2011 02:08AM by forbiddencokedrinker.

That's exactly why the line is so long!!! The gatekeeper is just 'looking busy' haha!!

laluna Wrote:
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> I was struck by the fact that there were
> clipboards in heaven. Who knew?

=============================================
You'd think they'd at least have progressed to
tablet PCs or iPads.

I thought it was a book or a pulpit or something? Wow. The bishop's wife and their daughters' testimonies are always funny to hear. The wife has the biggest mouth for gossip. Literally nothing else comes out of that mouth besides gossip and church lessons (contradictory, no?). That alone I find funny. Their daughters are much of the same. But they always have to quote some GA by heart too and go on about how they've made mistakes but found forgiveness and the Book of Mormon and whatever. I try not to laugh. And then there's the bishop himself. He seriously cannot get up and give a talk, lesson, or testimony without crying and the worst part is we all know it's fake crying and that he's such a liar. But hey, if it makes him feel more spiritual, whatever.

HAHAHA! That's what I was thinking! It looks like somebody has seen All Dogs Go to Heaven WAAAYYYY to many times! Her description is the textbook hollywood portrayal!

"So I fasted and prayed about the answer and I know now that heaven is a beautiful place."

So you needed to fast and pray to know that??? I thought the beauty of the place was somewhat implied, as IT IS HEAVEN! DUMBASS!

Ya, me too. To paraphrase Star Trek 5: Um, excuse me, why does God need a clipboard? ;-)

Of course, God could also be a little distracted by his "daughters" that keep climbing into his lap -- the little minxes!

Fast and testimony meeting you can't buy better entertainment!

i thot the 3 kingdoms were 3 different planets, not rooms off hallway. glad i know that. sure wouldnt want to get lost on my way to outer darkness -will that be in the basement??

You guys have me cracking up again!

The lap dance thing is too funny, esp if you knew what this lady looked like! LOL

And yes apparently there are clipboards in heaven. Maybe God should get more gatekeepers to cut down on the long line!

I also love how this lady is so certain she's getting into the CK but that most of her friends and family won't! LOL Who is she kidding?

She also said something about a chariot that her and the usher took to the CK. Mormons must get this great imagination from their fearless leader JS haha

I'm really kicking myself for not getting out my cell, I could have youtubed and facebooked this!

I was wondering if any of her family were there while she was consigning them to the "other" rooms.

If so, they should be glad she is passing by the door. Why is she sooo sure of herself? I would have to ask her, I just couldn't let that one go. I reallly want to know why she thinks she is so perfect. Eternity with this woman sounds a lot like hell to me.

...they might get inactives back to church. What a giggle!

The first woman forgot the part where she turns her nose up as she passes all the friends and loved ones who didn't make it to the CK.

mothermayeye Wrote:
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"As we pass through the lower kingdoms I will be able to see my friends and loved ones that didn't make it to the highest kingdom. When I enter the CK, ..."

This must be an über-righteous TBM's ultimate wet dream, parading through the lower kingdoms with their noses in the air.

Of course, normal people wouldn't want to proceed, they'd wanna hang with their friends and loved ones.

We once had a lady explain how Jesus sat by her bed holding her hand while she was ill for three weeks. Said my father just loud enough that everyone could here it: must have had nothing better to do then...

I don't know about you, but the terrestrial kingdom is sounding really good.

I am kind of hoping there really is something to this whole JS stuff, because the Terrestrial Kingdom is going to be a blast. We will have all the good rock bands, moonshiners, and comedians. The CS crowd gets to sit in the Celestial room of the Temple listening to conference talks and mo tab music.

Yah, who would want to go to the stupid CK anyways.., lamo! lol

Since my earliest memories, (age 5?) I have NEVER had the desire to go to the temple OR the CK! Even when I got older and had a better understanding of what TSCC believed about the kingdoms I still didn't want to go to the CK. It sounds boring! Plus I think they said the Terrestial is like earth! That always sounded good to me!

Yeah, Celestial Glory, have a bunch of children, watch a bunch of them rebel, then tell most of the rest you don't want to live with them anymore, all the while spending every second of every day dealing with the problems of your own universe.

The TK on the other hand, we'll probably be doing things like playing capture the flag with real shotguns, or getting drunk and jumping off of bridges, taking advantage of that whole just like Earth but without hunger or death.

As long as we're getting drunk everything will be fun!

I want to know where they store the coffee and the beer.

Of course, that lady can't go to the celestial kingdom until her righteous husband calls her by her super-secret temple name.

What if her hubby was one of her family members that she passed in the lower kingdoms? Who's gonna pull her through? LOL

hopefully it will be my ex, he will need some wives. I think he deserves to go to the ck. Anywhere except where I'll be.

ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I wonder about those jobs in heaven, and who is assigned to them: usher, clip-board guy.

Probably the usher was a eunuch with no genitals. I was told that as a divorced woman, if I was very, very good, I might possibly be promoted to "ministering angel." The people who told me this were temple-married people who, of course, would be "kings and queens, priests and priestesses, and eventually Gods of their own planets.
Talk about arrogant elitism! Seriously, I think this attitude explains why they are rude to ordinary people, and why they feel they have a right to shun and abuse people who are inferior to themselves. I pity that woman's poor children.

Don't you hate it when you silently shake with laughter, and your eyes water and your nose runs, and you pray that you won't snort! Thanks for your story. It brought back funny memories.

the uncontrollable laughter that you're trying to keep down, and the more you try to control it, the harder it is to do.

So, she climbs up on Heavenly Father's lap, huh? Reminds me of an old porn flick called "Emmanuelle" where sum wimmins line up to give this one rich guy pleasurable head one by one. And this woman's revelation confirms there's sex in heaven! Well, Hell, why didn't anyone tell me this when I was still active.

but that's not the same thing as a lie.