I got engaged in June. We moved in together in July. Bought a house and have been living there for a few months. We are both divorced (me-twice) and are both gun-shy about moving forward with a wedding. Things are good now just like they are.

I know there are tax/health insurance/etc benefits to being married. I also like the idea of the committment of marriage, but with the high divorce rate (especially for subsequent marriages) that doesn't seem to be any kind of guarantee anymore.

I never thought I would actually consider just co-habitating with someone without being married. I feel like we are a committed couple, but, gees, how does one really know what the future holds?

My TBM family keeps asking me when we are getting married and I know I am an embarassment to them and a poor example and role model to my grandchildren. I live with that.

I just read an article in the SLTribune that a high percentage of people think marriage is becomming a relic in modern society.

Anyone here have thoughts on this?

Ask Gene Simmons what he thinks about marriage. He has a better relationship with his "spouse" than most married couples.

And this comes from someone who's been married 13+ years...

There are no guarantees. I was TBM married for 22 years and have since been divorced and had live-in girlfriends twice. I'm all for romance and love and companionship, but when it comes to marriage, I have a jaded view.

1. I will never again give half my shit away to someone that can't stand my guts.

2. Being married won't keep a companion around regardless.

3. If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it.

4. Never co-mingle funds, even if you do get married again.

5. To family and friends that ask when you are getting married, just say "We'll get married when you stop asking".

As you can see, I'm not sold on marriage. I'm not sure what it accomplishes other than taxes, insurance and stuff, and then there are disadvantages if you both work. So, what advantages do you think marriage affords? I'd be happy to hear those. If it's entirely financial, then forget it.

Buying the cow... free milk thing.

Sorry, but that's my view.

Ron

Just a question to exmormonron on point #1 - giving half your stuff to someone you don't like - what are the laws where you live regarding common-law?

Here in Canada a common-law union (living together) for more than 6 months is a sure fire way to give away 1/2 your stuff, because the government recognizes those living arrangements as legal in financial terms. So you can live with a girl-friend for 6 months, never marry her, and when she leaves she will still get 1/2 your stuff.

I am of the point of view that marriage is a dying institution, but given that, the laws will start to change in order to recognize financial compensation for people we live with, as many of those unions are very long term and also result in children.

Having said that I believe marriage is a dying institution, I am happily married for 10 years. Not a long time I know, but a good time. I have been lucky on that part of my life.

Marriage a good thing? Let's see...

~45% first marriages end in divorce
~60% second marriages end in divorce
(http://www.divorcerate.org/)

Of the remaining 50% of marriages still going, about half (50%) are "happy".
( “Reexaming Adaptation and the Set Point Model of Happiness: Reactions to Changes in Marital Status,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 84, No. 3.) (“Marital Status and Happiness: A 17-Nation Study,” Journal of Marriage and the
Family, 60 (1998), 527-536)


The rate of marriage is in serious decline, around 50% don't marry anymore.

(http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/Union_11_25_09.pdf)


So, summarizing, fewer people want to marry, at least half that do divorce, the ones remaining are at best, happy half of the time.

Bottom line: Only ~25% of people who ever marry are happy with marriage.

And with the rate at less than 50%, that's (getting out the calculator): 50%*50%*50% = 12.5% success. If our schools graduated 12.5% or 25% rate (or even 50%) there'd be marches on DC and protesting everywhere. Marriage is a big F.


Good luck!

PS. If you bought property together as cohabitants, you are already legally tied.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2010 12:36PM by Jesus Smith.

and also that you are older (grandchildren). It is hard enough to make a marriage work when you are young but when one is older and have the "baggage" of previous marriages, it is doubly difficult. You are your own person and you must do what is comfortable for you but I will give one peice of advice (I'm older too) Don't let your family ramrod their prinnciples on you. You can be a role model for your grandchildren in many ways but this is your life and getting married again is something I will not consider.

Oh, I forgot to metion that I received some sage advice from a former service buddy of mine. He told me that if I absolutely HAD to get married again, that I should find a 80+ year old rich woman with a really bad cough.

True story.

Ron

Not just a few folks get divorced on paper so they qualify for benefits they need. I know know how or why that works, as I am still married, going on 49 years. But if I needed to divorce, on paper, for needed benefits, I would certainly do it!

Some people in retirement age, or before, have a strong desire or need, religiously, or otherwise to be married and refuse to live with someone if it's not an official marriage.

If I were you, I'd take a very practical, hard look at the advantages of marriage: financially, emotionally, etc. etc.
Don't get married unless you both are clear about it and my recommendation is not to co-mingle money and keep as much independence as possible.

I love my marriage. Things are going well for me right now.

But you are right. There are no garuntees as well. Plus, my marriage works because we both are happy together and with each other. The paper, ceremony, and rings didn't make that. Our relationship did. There's nothing magic about marriage. I've found someone who I am happy to spend my life with and she feels the same way.

Other people are happy to have something much more casual, and I think that marriage would be more "successful" if people were honest and did what felt right for their situation.

If you are worried about marriage, then don't get married. If it's a good situation now, then don't worry about it.

I honestly think that marriage is just like so many other things in life. It works for some, doesn't work for everybody and nobody is "better" or "worse" than anyone else for choosing something different.

Religion has been the institution to shove marriage down people's throats the last couple hundred years as the be all end all, and people are finally realizing that it's a crock of shit.

Follow your gut.

I got a divorce in the mid 80's. Made a promise to myself to never marry again. Never had a live in or moved in with anybody. Had relations with some very fine women and was temped at times. However I am happy in my choice. I feel each person and relationship has to find the "comfort zone" they want.

I believe that marriage is something that is tied to religion and the beliefs and concepts of religion. I think that the modern view of marriage is wrong and that is why there are so many divorces.

But, with that said let me say this too. I do not think a couple has to be married to be happy and faithful to each other and fulfilled. Marriage is a commitment between two people and that commitment can be made without a license and certificate that they were bonded by some guy the government gave authority to bond in that manner.

I was divorced from my TBM spouse of 31 years this summer and I have left most religious beliefs and fantasies behind. I do not buy into any religion and I am very open minded about life in general. When I met my current wife I knew that she was the lady I wanted to spend the rest of forever with. For the first time in my 53 years on this old planet I finally know what "true love" feels like. I have always hesitated to use the term "soul mate" but when I met my wife that is exactly the word that came into my mind. This lady and I are so perfectly matched that at times I am simply amazed at our relationship. I love her more than I ever imagined I could love another person. The amazing thing to me is that she loves me back equally.

So with that said, I asked her to marry me and we were married late summer. I married her for a couple of reasons but to me the biggest reason was this. She would have just lived with me without ever expecting me to marry her and we would have been happy. She is as open minded as I am about life and religion and all. But I wanted to show her that she was important to me. I wanted her to know that she was the most important thing in this world to me and one of my ways of showing her that was to ask her to share my name as my wife. To me the most precious thing I own that no one can take away from me is my name. So I shared that precious possession with her. Now I know that in many cultures the woman doesn't drop her name to take on the name of the man, and my wife is from a Hispanic heritage, but as I explained my reason for asking her to marry me she was more than happy to accept my gift for what it was.

So for me it was a way of sharing my most precious possession with the woman I love more than my own life. But in addition to that, I can now add her to my health insurance and I can name her as beneficiary to my life insurance without any legal ramifications.

Did I marry her because society says I should? Hell no!!! Did I marry her so that my family would not be embarrassed about me living with her in sin? Hell no!!! Did I marry her because I needed the approval of anyone? Hell no!!! I married her because it was my way of sharing my name with her and giving her part of me that I could not give her in any other way.

I agree with Utahnomo. My exmo husband and I just celebrated eight years of blissful marriage, despite his baggage from his TBM ex. But I think we got married for the right reasons. We really love being with each other and would be great friends in any case. I think the fact that our dogs are our kids also contributes to our happiness.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2010 05:44PM by knotheadusc.

Just don't marry her because you think it's the obligatory next step. Do it because you want to give yourself to her.

Thanks everyone. You've all given me lots to think about and share with my fiance. Utahnomo, your reasons for marrying are wonderful and special.

Yes, we are older. I am older by several years, so Yeah, I am a cougar...haha. He is probably a little less healthy than I am so the age difference seems less of an issue as we go forward. I will retire years before he does.

I didn't mention this earlier but my wife is 20 years younger than I am. Our age difference doesn't mean anything to us because our interests and our way of thinking matches perfectly.

Yes, I know that the possibility of me getting sick and her having to take care of me in my old age exists, but I am going what I can to avoid that. Honestly I feel like I have been given a new lease on life and that I have regressed 20 years in my age. I feel better than I have in at least 20 years, I am more energetic, I have more stamina(in all areas) and I feel fantastic. So if our minds have anything at all to do with our health I expect to be 80 and still going strong. I guess time will tell.

Anyway, I say enjoy your age difference and just go with it. Only society says that the age difference is a problem and who the hell cares what society says?

What difference does it make what the divorce rate is? If you want to be marrie and both have the maturity and relationship skills to make it work, it'll work. If not, it won't. Other people who divorce obviously didn't meet the above conditions and that explains their divorces (and your previous ones); but that has no bearing on whether your marriage will work or not.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

you plan on having kids. Fact is people change as do circumstances so what looks great now may not be so great down the road.

my sweet adoring loving fiance said I do she turned into a psycho bitch from hell that I didn't recognize.

And no, i'm not exaggerating.

So i'm just a little skeptical of marriage now to say the least.

... would you seek advice from NASA or North Korea?

In this forum, you'll find a truckload of folks who failed miserably because they allowed a third party (the cult) to crash their party of two. You'll also find an almost equal number who think they're "making it work" with a believing spouse, but in reality are only trying to force square pegs into round holes which only delays the inevitable. Finally, you have a very small group of successful navigators who have no advice to offer because they realize the wise don't need it and fools won't heed it.

That being said, here's a "thought" or two.

If you're not comfortable co-mingling money or feel the need to agree on a pre-nup with a person, then its probably not a good idea to marry that person. Its also not-so-grand a scheme to get married if what you seek is independence.

I am a content yet jealous lover. I think it safe to say that beloved nevermo spouse of thirty-two years demands my exclusive loyalty as well. Should a thing - be it family, friend, religion, job, whatever - try to wedge itself between us or attempt to relegate one or the other to second class status, the solution has always been to rid ourselves of that thing.

Can’t speak for Beloved, but if someone or something were to come along and unseat me as her numero uno, I would likely, albeit grudgingly, wish her well as she rides off into the sunset with whoever or whatever. Her joy and happiness are important to me, but not to the extent that I would sacrifice my own to satisfy hers. I refuse to be number three in a party of two and I’m fairly certain she don’t play second fiddle to no one neither. We set each other free from the outset and we both decided to stay. 'Nuff said.

Marriage is kinship by contract to the exclusion of all others. You have no contract with your parents. You have no contract with your kids. You do, however, have a contract with your spouse.

Timothy



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2010 06:34AM by Timothy.