Last night, I learned that another acquiantance of mine had attempted to end her own life. I have know far too many people who chose to kill themselves.

I wish I could say that I don't get dark feelings. I do. All kinds of terrible ideas swirl around in there. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist.

I have given up on the idea that I can make eternal promises. That model of decision-making did more harm than good.

But I can make this promise: I will be good today. I can't promise a thing about tomorrow. Maybe I won't be strong enough to handle whatever trouble finds its way into my life tomorrow. But today, I can make it. I can make it to the end of today. I promise.

Thanks for giving me a forum to announce this.

Glad you are here today. Really hope you are tomorrow.

We never know who's lives we'll touch. You posting what you said today may help others to hang on. Thank you.

Dang Duder,
I am so sorry to hear this. When I read it I thought, "this is serious; who is this poster?" When I saw it was you I felt very real pain for you since I have read so many of your posts and feel like I have gotten to know you a bit.

There are very real people at the other end of these posts who really do give a crap about you and each other.

Hang in there Pal.

FWIW: I will never forget the rainy day this spring when I was coming to grips with the Church REALLY not being true. I was driving on the freeway and really contemplated just crashing my car and ending it all since it was pretty pointless if the church was not true. I have since come to realize that there is actually way more to it than that.

I don't know everything you struggle with Duder, but feeling extremely depressed or even suicidal seems to be part of losing one's worldview and all of its associated hopes/dreams.

I hate listening to people tell me that this acquaintance who wanted to die has "so much to live for."

I mean, we all have plenty of reasons to find joy and happiness, and to help each other do that. When sadness and fear and darkness take over, though, it can be impossible to remember those things. The pain is overwhelming sometimes, and it's very easy for me to understand why someone might choose to end it.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. :(

Before I left the church, and before I got out of a marriage that had lasted about 30 years too long(31 years total length), I too felt those feelings you speak of.

At my lowest point I actually wrote letters to all my loved ones and took my gun out into the mountains to end it. As I sat there trying to get the courage to pull the trigger I realized that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to be happy. In that moment I made some decisions that have changed my life completely.

Since that day I have left the church completely behind. I have gotten out of that marriage that caused me so much unhappiness. I have found the love of my life and I am happier than I ever imagined anyone could be.

I am happy that you are here with us today Duder!!! Stay strong and remember that no matter how bad it seems, there is happiness on the other side of that dark cloud that is hanging over your head if you can just find it. For most, finding it is a matter of looking for it. I know from personal experience that when you are under that dark cloud nothing seems to matter and it is hard to even find the desire to look for something better. I know how it feels to just wonder what the hell you are doing sitting there when life sucks so bad. I have been there and I remember all too clearly what it felt like. But since I have been there and I am in a place of so much happiness now I can tell you IT IS SOOOO WORTH hanging on until you can find the other side of that darkness!!!!! We love ya Duder, never forget that!

Bet ya can't guess why? Anyway it is hard to see light in the future. How did you meet this love and how did you get past the "gun shy" issue of having a spouse that loved the church more than you?

Duder, Day by day is how the rest of us do it anyway. Can't control the future anyhow.
Hang in there buddy.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2010 08:04PM by AmIDarkNow?.

I know depression hits a lot of folks, and it's good to know how many people survive it.

I'm going to the gym. That always helps.

Ditto! Don't be upset, but I just said a prayer. Life can be depressing, and there are more of those emotions during the Holidays for some reason. Work-out, jogging, meditation, prayers, watching a funny video etc., might help. But what works for me, is, reaching out to others. Takes ones mind of oneself, since, while depressed, one tends to seclude ourself and think about our situation. Sending warmest thoughts your and your friend's way!!!

I've been in that deep dark place and only survived it because I had children who needed me -- I had to live for them.

Today, I'm so glad I made it through. My life is much better than I ever would have believed it could be when I was walking through the valley of the shadow of despair.

I'm glad you're trying day by day. I know how hard it can be. I greatly hope that the day will come when you can know the peace and joy that I do now. (Not that it's all sunshine and roses -- just in comparison of that dark time it's pretty great.)

Anyway, I respect the effort you go through.

And I hope your friend/acquaintance does better too. :)

I attended a SPAN (Suicide Prevention Action Network) conference several weeks ago. The main speaker was Thomas Joiner, from Florida State University. His theory is that there are several criteria for suicidal behavior, including a sense of not belonging (e.g., feeling unloved), a sense that one is a burden to others (often this is only a perceived burdensomness), and a desensitization – either physical or vicariously – to the pain that is often involved in successful suicidal attempts. If you – or someone you know – meet these criteria, then it is important to get help. A change in the thinking process is necessary, but it is difficult to achieve when one is in the dark depths of depression and despair. Also, if a person you know has been in deep depression and having/expressing suicidal ideation – and he/she suddenly seems unusually calm or even somewhat elated, that calls for immediate interventions to prevent them from harming themselves. Often, the reason that the person is now calm is that the decision has been made as to the time/place/method of suicide – he or she is calm because there is no more anxiety, anguish, or turmoil inside of them because of that decision.