The Poster Children for Mormonism
Have you ever seen those “I am Mormon” biographies? The Church in recent years has launched a campaign to get members to put their testimonies online with some pictures of their hobbies. Essentially, the purpose of the campaign is to show people that Mormons are happy and cool people and you should learn more about them, and yes, they are not a cult!
Here is a list I have developed of what a successful Mormon is by the time they reach adulthood:

1. They are happily married in the Temple with their husband or wife of their dreams.

2. They have lots of wonderful and beautiful children

3. The husband makes excellent pay and the wife does not work.

4. Wife pities those poor sisters in the Church who are working and wonder why they are working when they have so much to do and so much to see (trips to Europe, yearly cruises down to the Caribbean, etc.)

5. The wife is a member of the PTC and other noteworthy organizations

6. They live in at least an upper middle house

7. They attend Church every Sunday and go the temple on a weekly basis

8. They read the scriptures together as a family everyday

9. The husband and wife have callings.

10. Husband makes some serious bank and it doesn’t hurt if he is a dentist, doctor, or lawyer. And yes, if he graduated from Harvard or Stanford that’s another great point.

11. The husband, if he is truly a Peter Priesthood holder, holds a prominent calling (EQP (in his 20s), Bishop (in his 30s), Stake President (in his 40s), Mission President (in his 40s/50s), and if he is really righteous a general authority (in his 40s/50s), and super righteous an Apostle (in his 50s/60s)

12. The wife is always so happy (Prozac can do wonders) and is ready to obey the every command of her husband and other priesthood leaders.

13. Living a complete façade so that in time you are not sure what you think or you how feel. You wait for the Church to tell you how you think and how you feel.

14. The family is smart, but never reads anything that is not first recommended and approved by the Church.

15. The family can handle being immersed in a “cult mind-set” but never realize it, but judge everyone outside of the religion as “weird”

16. It doesn’t hurt for images purposes to drive to Church in some high-end SUV or car to show the ward how much the Lord has really blessed you.

17. Can do mental gymnastics while their Church builds a multi-billion dollar mall in the midst of thousands of people around the world who are dying of starvation.

What I described would be the “Super Class of Mormons;” or the 1% of Mormons. The rest of Mormons fit on the scale to a greater or lesser degree. Of course, the fewer blessings you have as cited above, the lower your rank and likewise the lower your perceived righteousness is in the community. In Mormonism, rank, power and riches are the most powerful measurements of someone’s real worth. You will be treated accordingly based on the results of these measurements.

What happens if you don’t measure up? If the Mormon is really kind, they will say “the Lord will bless you in time or eternity. As you know, eternity is such a long-time and this life is so short; just keep the faith sister (or brother).” If the Mormon is less than kind, they will go through the Morg checklist to see where you are failing: Are you paying your tithing? Are you praying every day? Do you follow every command with exactness and obedience? Are you reading from the BOM every day? Are you going to Church every Sunday? Are you going to the Temple every week? Are you doing your family history work? And the list can go on, and on until time as we know it ceases.

P.S. Some years ago my friends and I went to a house party in a very exclusive part of SLC. The house was amazing and had the very finest materials you could think of. When my friend was talking to the owner of the house (who happens to be LDS), she responded how blessed they were for living in such a house.

What I took from it, in Mormonism they use the “blessing” card to justify themselves in living in such lavish means. In Mormonism, paradoxes and hypocrisies abound, but the key is to link it back to “The Lord’s Will” and then all things are fine. If the Lord wants me to live as homeless person, then he would allow it. If the Lord wants me to billionaire, than it is His Will. And my favorite liner from a Mormon I know is, “Some Mormons are given the Abrahamic Test of being wealthy.” Wow! In Mormonism, you can rationalize just about anything.

Brilliant list - you forgot a couple of things though:

The women all have that squeeky clean yet plastic Stepford Wife who thinks Nordstroms is high fashion look. The men have an odd, effeminate quality to them. Both speak in an unusually childlike voice.

The children are often blonde but always ultra-achievers whether at school or being schlepped to their daily lessons (soccer, scouts, piano, dance, theater, swim team, honors society etc.)

And if you don't measure up, you are judged as not worthy of the blessings this Top 1 percent feel entitled to. I've posted this before but I was at a Stake Youth Activity once and the man speaking said "I promise you that as you live by the principles of the Book of Mormon, you will prosper in the land." Implication: If you aren't prospering, you aren't living the gospel properly. The Mormon mindset decrees that closer you fit to the ideals you listed above, the more righteous you are. Period.

Don't forget--the mom is often one of the elite "Mormon Mommy Bloggers". This means a wardrobe of Anthropologie and expensive vintage clothes, hipster glasses on at least one family member, usually a trendy dog, wanton disregard of common sense safety (no bike helmets for kids or parents, spotty use of seat belts, etc), love of designer cupcakes, and artfully scattered quirky family photos throughout the house. Gotta keep up appearances, dontcha know!

"What happens if you don’t measure up?"

Well, if you don't measure up because you are a surfer, a biker, a female Spanish radio host or something along those lines, then you are hand picked to appear in one of the I'm a mormon commercials. You know, the PR mormon does not have to match the 'ideal mormon' in the real community, it only has to look good, normal and cool.

D

"Have you ever seen those “I am Mormon” biographies? The Church in recent years has launched a campaign to get members to put their testimonies online with some pictures of their hobbies. Essentially, the purpose of the campaign is to show people that Mormons are happy and cool people and you should learn more about them, and yes, they are not a cult!"

I asked this before but never got a real answer so I'll ask again..

I understand that those who are thought of as "peculiar" for their beliefs, want to be viewed as normal but...WHY are they trying to do this by putting profiles on...MORMON.org???

Non mormons aren't going to mormon.org for ANY reason, let alone to read mormon profiles (which btw, just make them look even weirder).

Why don't they put these same profiles on FB and Twitter instead??

because they cannot control the content. If any non-conforming profile is posted on mormon.org, it is taken down very quickly. It is certainly evident to everyone how completely contrived the profiles are.

But........


Non mormons aren't going to mormon.org so they all are wasting their (missionary) time.

They need to venture OUT into the (virtual) world such as facebook so we ALL can see just how righteous they all are....

Your list fits my TBM brother and SIL to a 'T', except for one thing; these people are very frugal. In fact, they are so tight with a buck, they squeak when they walk. So I don't think they would be driving the fancy SUV to church or anywhere else. They had a ten year old suburban they drove when their kids were in HS. But other than that, they are the same people.

Great list but, mutatis mutandis, much of it would apply to the 1% in any American walk of life or religiously styled organization (all religions and all cults).

What pisses me off is not they've got it rigged so that sometimes you HAVE TO WATCH one of these ads to access a Youtube video.

How much money from hardworking tithepayers is the morg spending on their "We're normal and cool" campaign?