Posted by:
quietapostacy
(
)
Date: December 30, 2011 09:51PM
I am new to RfM. I have been reading posts for a few months, but have never posted anything myself. I don't understand all the acronyms yet (TSCC, TBS, DH, etc.), but I am starting to catch on.
Like many of you I have spent many years (15) studying mormonism. The results of my honest inquiries have left me confused, conflicted, and sad at having spent so many years stuck on the mormon conveyor belt. Yet I am stuck... so sadly stuck in my mormon world with seemingly no way out.
A few days ago, my wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary (temple wedding, of course, 20+ years ago). After a nice dinner, movie, and some shopping we were driving home when the topic turned to our church status and activity (as it always does). I am a non-believing, yet practicing, high priest (with a low-profile stake calling); she is the totally believing former YW & Primary President who is holding on to mormonism for dear life.
After a quick overview of the same old, same old doctrinal drivel that I usually bring up, I express my frustration that "the church" has to invade and dictate seemingly every aspect of my life. To make a long discussion short, she then informs me that if she, on the day we got married, could have seen the man that I am now, she would not have married me. Happy Anniversary! Of course, I asked, "what does that mean?" I am a kind, loving, a great dad, a good (actually, a great) provider, we live in a nice home, in a nice town, drive nice cars... and blah, blah, blah. So she explains that those things are all nice, but that since I have "lost" my testimony and am so conflicted about the church, she wishes she could have a "do-over" with someone who would be more faithful (my words).
My marriage is not perfect, but the primary source of the super-majority of the conflict is mormonism. She wants to force the kids to YW and YM; I say let them choose. She wants to force them to seminary; I say let them choose. She wants the church to decide EVERYTHING in our lives; I say why can't we choose? After 20+ years of marriage she is thinking that I was the wrong choice for a husband because my views are no longer "in harmony" with "the brethren," and I want to choose how to live my own life.
It has now been three days since this conversation (again, I have spared most of the details), and I can't shake the feeling that my marriage is over unless I fully embrace the role of Peter Priesthood. The problem is that I can't do it... not anymore. I feel like such a hypocrite, so slimy and disingenuous when I am going through the mormon motions. I don't want to lose my marriage... I love my wife. I don't want to screw up my children. HELP! HELP! HELP!
Sorry for the long post... I am just really beside myself. Any wisdom, beit a short post or a long story, would be so very appreciated.