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Posted by: rowan ( )
Date: January 02, 2012 04:29AM

It has been awhile since I have read this and found it again. Thought some of the newbies might enjoy:

One day in heaven (mormon heaven of course), a bunch of the main players from the book of mormon got down to reminisce about their adventures over a nice bottle of wine (in heaven the WOW is still merely a suggestion, not a commandment ;-)). I went a little like this:

Nephi: Who would have thought, thirty hundred years ago, we'd all be sitting here in mormon heaven drinking Chateau de Chaselet, eh?
All: Aye, aye.
Jared: Them book of mormon days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Moroni: Right! A cup of cold tea!
Jared: Right!
Nephi: Without milk or sugar!
Alma - the son of Alma: Or tea!
Jared: In a cracked cup and all.
Nephi: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Moroni: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
Alma: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.
Jared: Because we were poor!
Alma: Right!
Jared: My brother, whose name I cannot for the life of me recall, used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, Jared!"
Nephi: He was right!
Moroni: Right!
Nephi: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumbled-down house in Jerusalem with great big holes in the roof. Then, me old man went barking mad and decided we had to leave Jerusalem and go on some crazy trip. After we left, he sent me back to get some plates made o' brass from some old fart. Well listen, he wouldn't give ‘em up, so I chopped ‘is ‘ead off, I did. Then I dressed up in the dead buggers clothes and got the plates from ‘is servant, who never once recognized me even though I was just a teenager wearing the blood soaked clothes of a man twice my age. But you know, I miss that ol' house.
Jared: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in a one room barge, all twenty- six of us, no furniture, no light except windows in the top and the bottom of the barge which we never could figure out why there was a widow in the bottom of the barge and we couldn't open the window at the top because it was tight like unto a dish. As a matter of fact the whole barge was tight like unto a dish. And my brother, you know the one whose name I cannot for the life of me recall, used to drink so much that he would get tight like unto a dish and thrash me about the head and shoulders, and whenever he would get tight like unto a dish we would all be huddled together in one corner for fear of a thrashing from my brother — whose name I cannot recall.
Alma: You were lucky to have a barge! We used to have to live in the corridor! Not to mention my parents giving me a girls name. Oooh, I used to get the crap beat out of me in school because of that. And me dad should have known better, I am after all Alma, the son of Alma. Ooh to ‘ave lived in a house.
Nephi: Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us! And then we ‘ad to travel for months in a boat tossed about the seas til we came to the uninhabited shores of Americas That's right Mr. Sorensen, I said UNinhabited.
Jared: You were lucky to have a boat! There were 150 of us living barge for years, tight like unto a dish!
Nephi: A wooden barge?
Jared: Aye!
Nephi: You were lucky! We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a the Arabian desert! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to traipsing around the desert, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week and when we got home, our dad Lehi would thrash us to sleep with his "Iron Rod"!
Jared: Luxury! Once we got to America we used to live in a lake. We would get up out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day building a civilization that would completely disappear anyway, by the time Nephi got here, come home, and my brother, whose bloody name I still cannot remember, would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, . . . if we were lucky!
Alma: Well, of course, we had it tough! When we got home, our dad, Alma, since I am after all Alma, the son of Alma, would slice us in two with a bread knife!
Moroni: At least you had a dad, my dad was killed along with 6 million others, soldiers, their wives and children. And I had to spend the next thirty years covering the bones with lime so they would decompose and not be found in the twentieth century. Not to mention that I had to carry two million steel swords and breastplates and hide them in a cave so that modern Mormons could believe in the book of mormon by faith, instead of any evidence that we really existed. Thirty Years, I worked.
Nephi: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down building a bloody temple like unto Solomon, which was supposedly built with hundreds of thousands of workers whereas we only had about twenty, and when we got home, our dad would kill us with his "Iron Rod" and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!
Jared: Aah. And you trying to tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!
All, joined by the three witnesses AND the eight witnesses: No, no they won't!

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Posted by: motherwhoknows ( )
Date: January 02, 2012 05:07AM

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Thank you, Rowan! This is the first time I've read this! Hilarious!

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