THE
BOOK OF ZELPH
AN ACCOUNT WRITTEN BY
THE HAND OF ZELPH
UPON PLATES
TAKEN FROM THE PLATES OF LABAN THE YOUNGER, THE
WHORES, AND DANCES WITH CURELOMS
These leather plates are an abridgement of the record of the people of
Laban, The Whores, Dances with Cureloms, and other ancient Americans
known collectively as "Lamanites" who mixed their seed and DNA with
the Asian women who accompanied Laban the Younger when he sailed to
the American Continent, approximately 600BC, in an attempt to avenge the
murder of his father Laban at the hands of Nephi. The
followers of Nephi became known as Nephites and are a remnant of
Jerusalem, and did not mix their seed with Asian whores, and therefore,
should have Israelite DNA markers. Unfortunately, the Nephites were
destroyed by the Lamanites approximately 400 A.D. and their remains can
no longer be found on this continent, not even by scientific means, because
they lived in a limited geography which nobody has been able to find. The
Book of Zelph is written by way of knowledge, by great men of this, the
American continent and it was engraved upon plates. It was written and hid
away from the disbelieving eyes of the overly religious man until that day
that it can come forth to the secular, gentile Americans of the twenty-first
century, and fill the holes in the Book of Mormon narrative and explain
away the problems of Book of Mormon historicity, and explain the DNA
controversy and the lack of physical evidence. The plates were preserved by
Zelph, the White Lamanite, and given to his son, Melph, who kept them
hidden. They were hid away until a time that they could come forth so
that the gentiles can understand the rest of the Book of Mormon story.
And now, if there are faults with this book it is nothing to worry about. Even
if you're reading this book and you think to yourself, "No way!" just
remember, maybe it could be true. Therefore, condemn not the things of
Laban, The Whores, Dances with Cureloms, Zelph or any other characters
in this book, for they are real, I promise.


THE SON OF ABITCH CODE
WRITTEN BY PHILIPPIANS
HIS EARLY LIFE AS A NEPHITE
Philippians grows up a Nephite. Finds the son of Abitch's poem scrolls in his
father's basement. Philippians discovers clues hidden within the words of the
son of Abitch's poems. He puts the pieces of the puzzle together, travels to
the land of the Lamanites, and Mount Balsac, discovers the lost plates,
gathers them up, and travels to the tribal village nearby.
CHAPTER 1

Philippians is a skilled chariot racer. Wins the annual chariot race with the
help of a friendly Lamanite named Onandagus. Chariot racing is a
dangerous sport. [About 320 A.D.]
1. And it came to pass that I, Philippians, shall commence engraving the
account of my life upon these plates, even these plates of gold and other
metals.
2. And I do taketh over as custodian of these most precious records, and
shall append my own record to that of Laban the younger and the whores.
And how I came to be in possession of these precious plates I shall now
explain unto thee. And I shall begin writing the history of my life, even from
the time of my youth.
3. And I shall commence my life story at age eighteen, for I could begin
earlier, but it is that my childhood was uneventful, for I was a Nephite child
and did the things Nephite children do, even boring things. Wherefore, at age
eighteen I answered to the name Philippians, and all who did know me did
callest me Phil for short. And I was a Nephite who had madeth the transition
from youth to manhood, even by winning the annual chariot race.
4. And it came to pass that wars and rumors of wars exist upon the whole
face of this land. For the Lamanites, and Nephites, and Zoramites, and
Ishmaelites, and Korihorites, and all manner of -ites do contend one with
another. And their exists a gang of lawless robbers and thieves, who swear
allegience to no -ites, and who do follow after the lawlessness of Gadianton,
and they do call themselves Gadianton robbers.
5. And many young boys, yea, even Lamanites, and Nephites, and Samites,
and Zoramites, and all manner of -ite youth do thinketh the Gadianton
robbers to be stylish, and desire to join their ranks, yea, even have many of
my childhood friends been initiated into the secret Gadianton band of
criminals, even by taking secret oaths, and being endowed in secret
ceremonies, and learning secret handshakes.
6. And during this time of wars, and rumors of wars, and organized crime,
and general lawlessness, the people did once a year put down their swords,
and bows, and spears, and agreed to settle their differences in the arena. And
chariot racers from all nations did compete one with another for the annual
chariot race championship trophy.
7. And it came to pass that I have raced chariots from the age of fourteen,
even was my father a chariot racer before me, and I do maketh my father
proud because of my chariot racing skills.
8. And it came to pass that I did barely lose the chariot race the previous
year, even when I was seventeen, and I did lose on a technicality after
holding the championship trophy. For during the final stretch of the race,
another racer named Xerusa, a wicked Nephite, who was a suspected
member of the secret band called Gadianton robbers, pulled beside me on his
chariot, and did attempt to slay me with his sword to giveth an advantage
unto himself, even did he reach out his sword and attempt to smite off my
head as his chariot cometh near mine.
9. And it came to pass that I was exceedingly angry, and did remove my
sword and did deliver a counter strike. And my counter strike was perfect,
and did remove Xerusa's head, which did fall to the ground in my path, and
was trampled by my deer, Whitey.
10. But because the body of Xerusa fell not out of his chariot, but remained
propped up, and because he was lighter without a head, yea, his deer pulled
his chariot ahead of me, into first place, and he did cross the finish line ahead
of me, despite being slain.
11. Nevertheless, the trophy was awarded unto me, for none can win the
championship save it be they be alive, according to the judges. For slaying
thy opponent during the race is a strategy amongst chariot racers, yea, even a
legal strategy. Wherefore, I did hoist the trophy over my head in victory.
12. But yea, the wife of Xerusa did emerge from the crowd, and did
challenge my victory. For according to the rule book, all that is required to
win the race is to cross the finish line on thy chariot ahead of all other racers.
And the rules say nothing of the racer needing be alive when he doth finish
his race, so long as he crosses the finish line. And she accused the judges of
interpreting their own rules and going not by the official book of rules.
13. And it came to pass that many in the crowd did belong to the secret
society of Gadianton robbers, for the authorities had not the ability to fight
the organization, and the Gadianton robbers did flaunt their numbers and
influence. And many in the crowd yelled obscenities, and because the judges
feared a riot, they did rule in favor of the wife of Xerusa, the Gadianton
robber, and did taketh the trophy from me, and did giveth it unto her to
accept on behalf of her dead husband.
14. And because I tasteth victory, and then had it taken from my grasp,
behold, I desired exceedingly to win the trophy the following year.
15. And I trained exceedingly hard, even did I train my deer, whom I named
Whitey, for my deer is exceedingly white and delightsome. And I did work
Whitey hard, and we did train together, and afterwards I gavest unto Whitey
much grass for him to eat.
16. And I built myself a fine chariot, even a chariot of the finest wood, and it
had impressive gold trimmings, and was exceedingly fine to behold.
17. And it came to pass that during this time of my eighteenth year, yea, my
father was sickly, even was he dying, for he did havest a disease.
Nevertheless, he desired exceedingly to see me race, for I was his son, even
his only son, and I do maketh him proud.
18. And it came to pass that the great and wonderful day did arrive, even the
day of the chariot race. And all throughout the land did journey to the arena
to witness the great chariot racers who shall compete one with another. Even
did multitudes of Nephites, and Lamanites, and Zoramites, and Ishmaelites,
and all manner of -ites, and even many Gadianton robbers did journey to the
arena to witness the chariot race.
19. And I led Whitey to the starting line. And Whitey pulled me and my chariot, even my exceedingly beautiful chariot, into position, alongside theother chariot racers. And I gazed upon the crowd, and I beheld my father,
even my sickly father who did maketh the trip, for nothing could stop him
from seeing me compete. And my father slowly raised his hand to me, and
did smile a weak smile. And I know he be proud of me, and doth love me,
even do I know these things with every fiber of my being.
chariot, even my exceedingly beautiful chariot, into position, alongside the
other chariot racers. And I gazed upon the crowd, and I beheld my father,
even my sickly father who did maketh the trip, for nothing could stop him
from seeing me compete. And my father slowly raised his hand to me, and
did smile a weak smile. And I know he be proud of me, and doth

20. And I gazed down the starting line, even did I behold whom my
competitors shall be. And I beheld many fine chariots being pulled by all
manner of useful animals, even deer, and tapirs, and cureloms, and cumoms.
For deer being the swiftest of animals are favored by some, nevertheless,
they don't corner well, and scare easily. And tapirs being slower than deer,
nevertheless, many racers prefer tapirs, for they are fierce competitors, and
are exceedingly good at taking tight corners. And cureloms are also favored
by some chariot racers, for they haveth amongst them a nasty temperament,
and can cause violence to the animals of their competitors, even do they bite
the ankles of deer and tapirs, which thing giveth them an advantage. And
cureloms are slower than deer but faster than tapirs, nevertheless, they also
take corners not well, like unto deer.
21. And all animals do haveth certain advantages and disadvantages to
pulling chariots, save it be cumoms, which are an exceedingly bad animal
for chariot racing, for they are slow, and not competitive, and cause not harm
to the other animals. Nevertheless, because cumoms are exceedingly cheap
animals, for they eat little because their slothfulness requires little food, and
they require low maintenance, wherefore, some Lamanites, even the poorest
of Lamanites, prefer cumoms as chariot pullers, and thus they lose always.
22. And there were many Nephites, and Lamanites, and also Gadianton
robbers amongst the competitors. And the Gadianton robbers were renowned
for their skills at chariot racing, for they conspire amongst one another, even
with secret hand signals, and do work together against the other competitors,
and do use violent tactics to eliminate all other competitors to ensure a
Gadianton robber doth win the race. And I did think them to be my greatest
threat to victory.
23. Thus I did train exceedingly hard and would be satisfied not with second
place, for it was first place or no place, and none shall keepeth me from
winning my trophy, nor shall they keepeth Whitey from running hard, for
Whitey, being both swift and competitive, shall perish before losing.
24. And inasmuch as all the competitors did line up to race, yea, the
announcer spake, even in a loud voice: Behold, on thy marks, get set, go.
25. And all the racers did whip their beasts of burden, and the deer and
tapirs, and cureloms, and cumoms did move quickly from their starting line,
and run down the race track.
26. And the rules of the chariot race are thus: The racetrack is a big circle
within the arena, and all racers must go around the circle three times, and
after the third time around, yea, the chariot that doth finish first is declared
the winner.
27. And there shall be no rules governing conduct during the race, for all
manner of methods may be used to give thyself an advantage over thy
competitors, even can the competitors use weaponry to taketh the life of
other competitors during the race, even to givest an advantage unto
themselves, but not before or after the race can the competitors takest a life,
for then shall it be murder.
28. And after the manner in which the race did start, Whitey did quickly
move my chariot into first place. And Whitey did run hard, for he was a
goodly deer, even was he swift.
29. And we did come upon the first turn in the race, and I did hear a voice
behind me say, even in a loud voice: Behold, die Nephite!
30. And it came to pass that I turned my head and beheld a Gadianton
robber, who did havest a spear. And he did throw the spear at me. But yea, it
was that he was bad at spear chucking, for his spear did miss me,
nevertheless, it did strike the side of my chariot.
31. And the Gadianton robber who did throweth the spear did use secret
hand signals at another competitor, even another Gadianton robber who was
racing with a curelom pulled chariot, and who did come behind me and
shoot an arrow at my head. And I did duck, thus barely preserving my life.
32. And it came to pass that a Lamanite racer, who did havest a tapir to pull
his chariot, and who did wear feathers on his head, did come upon the first
Gadianton robber, even the one who did throw the spear, and the Lamanite
with the feathers on his head did throw a tomahawk at the head of the
Gadianton robber, and the tomahawk did stick in the head of the Gadianton
robber, and the Gadianton robber did perish. And after the manner in which
the Lamanite's tomahawk did slay him, the Gadianton robber tumbled from
his chariot onto the racetrack.
33. And the slain body of the Gadianton robber did fall in the path of the
second Gadianton robber. And the second Gadianton robber's chariot did hit
the body of the first Gadianton robber, and his chariot did flip over, and he
did fly out of it, like unto a rock from a catapult, and did land upon the
ground. And a chariot from another competitor did come upon him, as he did
lie on the ground, and the wheel of the chariot went between the Gadianton
robber's legs, and did crush his stones, thus slaying him.
33. And the slain body of the Gadianton robber did fall in the path of the
second Gadianton robber. And the second Gadianton robber's chariot did hit
the body of the first Gadianton robber, and his chariot did flip over, and he
did fly out of it, like unto a rock from a catapult, and did land upon the
ground. And a chariot from another competitor did come upon him, as he did
lie on the ground, and the wheel of the chariot went between the Gadianton
robber's legs, and did crush his stones, thus slaying him.
33. And thus the Lamanite racer had removed two Gadianton robbers from
the race, and I did smile upon him, for he was a goodly Lamanite.
Nevertheless, I desired to win, and did move my chariot ahead of him.
34. And it came to pass that Whitey did move so fast as to come upon the
slowest of racers. For me and Whitey were in first place, and one lap ahead
of the slowest racers, and did come upon the rear of many last place
Lamanite racers who did havest cumoms as chariot pullers.
35. And I did try to move my chariot between the two last place Lamanites
who did havest cumoms to pull their chariots, and when I did come between
them, yea, they did move their chariots against me, and I was pinned
between them. And after the manner in which they had me pinned, yea, they
did each taketh out bows and arrows, and did aim at my head, for they
desired to slay me.
36. And when they did release their arrows, yea, I did quickly duck, and
because they were on either side of me, yea, their arrows did slay one
another. And they did both fall from their chariots dead, and I looketh behind
me, and beheld the Lamanite with the Tapir who did barely avoid running
his chariot into the two dead Lamanite archers.
37. And it came to pass that the Lamanite with the Tapir was an exceedingly
goodly racer, for when the racetrack did turn, yea, his tapir was exceedingly
good at turns, but yea, Whitey was not good at turns, and the Lamanite did
nearly overtake us. But yea, when we did hit the straight parts, Whitey did
move us back into first place, for Whitey was exceedingly good at running
straight.
38. And it came to pass that the race was nearly over, and I looketh back and
beheld a Nephite who did havest a curelom to pull his chariot, and he came
upon the Lamanite with the tapir, and the Nephite's curelom was exceedingly
bad tempered, for it did bite at the legs of the tapir who did pull the chariot
of the Lamanite.
39. And because I desired to win, I thought to ignore the Lamanite's
dilemma, but yea, he was a goodly Lamanite, who did save me from the
conspiracy of the Gadianton robbers. Wherefore, I removed my sword, and
did turn and throw it, even did I throw it behind me
40. And my sword did strike the curelom with the bad temperament, even
did it strike the curelom in the face, and the curelom did fall, which did
cause the Nephite chariot to flip sideways, and slide across the track, even
with the Nephite inside. And the chariot did strike the side of the track, even
exceedingly hard, and the impact did cause the Nephite's brains to splatter,
even did his brains splatter exceedingly, and the splatter did land on many
spectators in the front row. And I did feel bad for the death of the Nephite.
Nevertheless, chariot racing is an exceedingly perilous sport, and he did sign
a release statement before competing. And I did thinkest the Nephite was
probably a secret Gadianton robber anyways.
41. And after the manner in which the Nephite did die, yea, Whitey did cross
the finish line, and I did raise my arms in victory, for I did win, and me and
Whitey were champions. And all in the crowd did cheer, save it be the
Gadianton robbers, and even the Lamanites did cheer not, for the Lamanite
racer did finish second. And even some of the Nephites were angered at me
for slaying a fellow Nephite. Nevertheless, a few people cheered for me.
42. And because he was an exceedingly good challenger, and I did havest
much respect for him, I desired to meet the Lamanite who did finish second,
and even to meet his tapir, who did run hard.
43. And I came upon the Lamanite, and did offer my hand in fellowship and
spake unto him: Behold, I am Philippians, but thou mayest to call me Phil.
And I do congratulate thee on a good race, for thy tapir doth run like the
wind, and thou art a worthy opponent. Wherefore, what is thy name for
which I shall call thee.