I grew up in a fairly mainstream Christian household, went to Catholic school and then converted to Mormonism for about a year.

I've discovered that, while I may be more bisexual than full-blown lesbian, I am more comfortable with women and may very well end up with a woman. Either way, I am a highly sexual person. Not promiscuous, mind you (not that that's necessarily a bad thing), but very sexual with one partner at a time.

What I'm wondering is, will my feelings of "this is bad," "women are supposed to be with men" or "this is unnatural" ever stop running through my head? Especially during sex? I have a sweet, attentive, mind-blowingly "good" (ahem ahem) partner, but every once in a while I can't have sex with her because I start thinking "she should be a man" or feeling sick/guilty inside about sleeping with her, and the thoughts just start running in my head, it's unnatural, it's wrong, it's dirty, it's bad.

Then it sends me into a tailspin of "I'm not really gay," "I wish I'd been a virgin until marriage," etc etc.

Has anyone else dealt with this? What causes this? Is there any basis for thinking it's truly "unnatural?" How can I make this better? Does homosexuality serve an evolutionary purpose, or is it a deviation/man-made?

I tried going to a psychiatrist but he told me that since I like more masculine/assertive women that what I really want is a man but I'm afraid of them/have had negative experiences with them but will go back to them eventually. Which confused me even more. I tried telling him that I enjoy the emotional aspect of being with a woman but he told me that men are just as emotional as women, I should just try to pick "better"/more "emotional" men, etc.

Could this be true?? Will the guilt ever go away? Should I just try to be with a man for the rest of my life?

He also told me it was something wrong with me and that it doesn't seem like I was born with that tendency.

Is that possible? If I enjoy being with women and enjoy the sex with them, but have the aforementioned issues...could I really be "imaginging" it or have not been born with that? Could I be CHOOSING this?!

As a gay man, all I can say is that since my earliest day males have always elicited erotic responses. I had normal relations with two females but the urge never went away. I was, am and shall always be gay.

When the issue of abuse arises in your case, I suppose it is possible that those experiences has poisoned your response to men and your advisor might have a point. HOWEVER, it doesn't sound like he knows his business very well. A good therapist will assist you in working through things, not telling what or what you are or are not and certainly what you should be or not be. Sounds like a homophobe. I would think about finding a more sympathic ear.

Bottom line? It is your life and you should do what feels right for you. If you find that your first choice was wrong, you can always change course. In terms of the god stuff, they call that repentence. However, I doubt that you need any at this point. God does not spy in bedrooms like priests and elders do.

You nailed it Charlie!

;o)

You have the right to choose any consenting adult partner you want, for any reason. You know who you are attracted to, and you don't need anyone to give you permission.

Of course you are choosing who you have sex with. You're supposed to. You don't have to defend your choice of sexual partner by convincing yourself that you don't have a choice.

I think it's great that science and social acceptance are finally coming around to the notion that gay people are not just straight people who want to sin. But I believe the real point should be that who you sleep with and your reasons for doing so are no one's business but your own and your partner's.

Figure out why you feel the way you do. If you feel that you're just not attracted to your partner, but are trying to force a sexual relationship onto what is really just platonic in your heart, that is one thing. But if you are simply feeling self-doubt because of other people's voices and judgement, then you just need to work that out so you can get on with your happy life, being with anyone you chose for any reason you chose.

It took me awile, But I would call myself pansexual. I have never been with a women fully, but I have kissed and heavy petting that kinda stuff. I'm turn on by watching gay men, Love adrogyny (drag queens/kings and such)

Everyone is perfect to me...

First off, stop with the labels. If you find a woman you like being with be with her. If you find a man be with him. Don't worry if that makes you gay straight or bi.

For your question "Is there any basis for thinking this is truly unnatural?" No, there is no basis for thinking that. Homosexual behavior is prevalent throughout the animal kingdom. Homosexuality is completely natural.

I had lots of guilt for a while, but I work on it, retrained my brain and now I have no guilt at all.

++++1 Completely agree with MJ.

Sexual categories are social constructs, not black and white Human categories.

But as far as social constructs go, there is as Homosexual as can be on one end, as Heterosexual as can be on the other end, and then 10,000 points in between the two. I don't know that anyone can pinpoint exactly where they fall on the scale. There are too many shades of gray, and too many cultural implications to be able to look at it clearly through your own eyes. But that's OK, it isn't so necessary.

In some cultures, there isn't any social stigmas attached, in which case people would be better able to feel for themselves where they are comfortable on the scale. In North American culture, there is a lot of stigmas attached, so one has to feel pretty strongly about it to break past all the stigmas and act on it.

Once you experiment with your sexuality, there is a difference between the sex, and the sexual identity, and the relationship. All components become a mix that becomes your "recipe". If the recipe feels right, great. If it doesn't adjust the ingredients till it does.

I happen to be very Heterosexual, and I'm a man who loves the company of women. I have guy friends, but I enjoy women better. I'm an avid motorcyclist, and even that I enjoy with women better. I love women that can ride.

I bring motorcycles up just as a way to show that when you take the sex out of equation, there can be other parts of the relationship that may be more enjoyable with one sex, or the other. Sex is just part of the recipe.

If I were trying to help you sort through it in person, I'd find out what you like about guys and women, what you like about the relationship part of the recipe, what you like about the sexual part of the recipe, and what social stigmas you feel. Then I'd try to deconstruct the stigmas and give some more balanced perspectives on it, using other cultures lack of stigmas as a balancer. At some point, we'd get to a place where you felt like you had a good grasp of what felt right for you, or where on the scale felt like the right neighborhood for you.

And when you what felt like was the right neighborhood on the scale could change, or stay static for the rest of your life. You don't have to pick a spot, and then stay there all your life.

And even at that point, choices are still abundant. There is a scale for how masculine of guys you like, ranging from feminine to very masculine. Same with women, they are on another scale with very masculine on one end, and feminine on the other, and all points in between.

It's all very complicated, and not nearly as black and white as your Psychiatrist seemed to make it look. Take your time, find a better Therapist with some experience with Gender and Sexuality, and don't expect to get to a certain answer soon, start looking for the general neighborhood on the many overlapping scales, then adjust as you become more comfortable.

sounds like your psychiatrist needs to see a psychiatrist

You need a new psychologist for one thing and to feel less guilt over who you are with.

Did you know there's same sex pairings among all kinds of animals such as swans? Right in Boston there's these swans who have been together for years and they are both female. Homosexuality is just a part of the spectrum of things. It's nothing to feel guilty about.

you never chose your eye colour and you never chose your sexuality.

Having said that, people aren't denied jobs, kicked out of home and bashed to death for having a certain eye colour.

It's a waste of energy feeling guilty, but sometimes you have to pick who you can be honest about who you are with.

People criticize gay men for seeking anonymous sex, but it's sometimes safer (if you practice safe sex) than telling someone you know and who knows other people you know.

Your shrink wouldn't have a clue.

Marriage is a human construct, so there is no evolutionary need to wait until you find a person willing to commit to you for life. That's a huge call, and it explains why so many blue-balled RMs marry straight away and too young.

Marriage is too bigger commitment to be making that decision when you are "backed up" so to speak.

Learn to love yourself because you can't change. You're fine. You're natural because you are a human and you are how you are.

Oh, and statistically, lesbians are the least likely to get sexually transmitted diseases or get abused physically by their partner.