For years I wondered if my oldest brother had been inappropriate with me when I was little. He's 13 years older than me and I don't recall much about him living at home with the rest of the family. What I do remember is him bringing home treats from his convenient store job for me and letting me climb into bed with him if I was scared at night. The stories from my other older siblings are of him being a total and complete asshole to them, so his treatment of me was much different.

When I was just shy of 18, and a recent high-school graduate, I moved away from home to be the cliched Mormon nanny since my one and only post high-school plan to go to BYU fell through. Turns out you need good grades to get in. I sincerely just thought I had to be a divine daughter of god with alumni family members. Foolish girl. Anyway, my nanny experience was a cliche. My employer turned out to be a predator and treated me inappropriately, but was so good at it I blamed myself.

In that time as a nanny, as I realized I wasn't actually the worthy Mormon girl I was supposed to be (didn't get into BYU, encouraged bad behavior from an older, married man, wasn't delicate or meek but had a loud laugh and fesity wit) I fell hard for the bad boy. I figured since a nice RM wouldn't want me, I'd convert the bad boy into the good boy and also redeem myself in the process. After all, I met him at youth conference. The church had brought us together! In fact, I felt inspired that he and I had made one of those pre-existance promises to each other that get told at firesides to impressionable youth. I was the BIC good, white girl who was going to love that brown boy from the broken home and bring him into the gospel. Then we were going to be good together.

After 4 years of marriage and a daughter together, we divorced. Those years with him were ones of emotional abuse with physical absue sprinkled in just for kicks. I was left a shell of the girl I used to be. I was so much more damaged than I thought. I couldn't fulfill my promise. I wasn't good enough to change him. Instead he changed me. I was now the cliched, "fallen away" woman. I had lost my foundation, my testimony, any innocence I may have had. Not only all that but I had also gained the truth about the temple. That was it for me. Yet I still felt like that damaged, destined for a life lacking in joy, apostate.

Over the following several years I began to ask that question of myself - did my brother touch me? Why was I so primed to be a victim? I had the classic signs of someone who experienced abuse as a child.

In the past few years I've had a flash of insight. I'm not suppressing memories of abuse from my brother. I can let that go. I was primed to be a victim because I was a Mormon. TSCC acts as a classic abuser. Whispering to me how special I was, how I was a divine daughter of god, how I was blessed. Yet there were the other whispers. The whispers about obedience, sin, outer darkness, worthiness, happiness. There was no unconditional love. The love offered was done so under very strict conditions. And I didn't measure up.

Realizing this has allowed to make some much more progress with my feeling of worth. I'm not damaged goods. I'm an amazingly strong woman who has left her abusers behind and reclaimed her life as her own.


I may have been victimized but I am no longer anybody's victim.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2012 09:37AM by fallenangela.

I was primed to be a victim because I was a Mormon.

Realizing this has allowed to make some much more progress with my feeling of worth. I'm not damaged goods. I'm an amazingly strong woman who has left her abusers behind and reclaimed her life as her own.

That's right, you have lived and learned, and now you know better. Me too!

Young and stupid, older but wiser now.

Who knows, maybe your older brother just favored you because you weren't a pest and didn't tattle on him all the time.

Wow, that is an interesting theory about Mormonism setting you up to be a victim. Especially women who may not be told specifically to "keep sweet" but who are taught it nonetheless. Like you mention, they are groomed by being told they are special (when they do what Mormons tell them), that they are part of an elite group (God's Chosen) and promising them essentially that no one will ever love them like the church (because no one else can get you into heaven). But it's all dependent on how well you are a good little girl and do what you are told, no matter how you feel about it, no matter how it hurts you (financially, emotionally etc.) It all depends on you protecting the image of the "victimizer" i.e. church. You are punished for telling. A lot of times you are told to just turn the other cheek and put up with it. Being offended by the way you are being treated is considered almost a sin. You are supposed to bend over and take it without complaining.

Interesting parallels.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2012 11:14AM by CA girl.

I agree. This happened in my marriage and I was raised in a good family. The whole TSCC mantra about eternal marriages, and that YOU have to make it work, YOU have to be the perfect wife and that HE is the guy in charge... even if you were raised to be a independent person in your home (as I was) the church itself sets you up as a classic abuse victim.

Read "The Verbal Abuse Survivor" and "The Dance of Anger" - both of these books helped me a lot to understand what went on in my marriage and that it WASN'T my fault.

It's so easy in hindsight to see that I let him just walk all over me - but at the time I was trying to live up to that "eternal" perfect marriage.

When I finally left his ass and got myself back the best part was that I knew I'd never let that happen again.

You are strong and worthwhile, don't let anyone ever take that away from you again.