How has anybody else who's gone through domestic violence gotten through it?

On one hand I'm angry I wasted my time with such a screwed up person...on the other hand, I miss her every second.

Why does this happen?

Why? Because you fell in love with a severely messed-up person.

However, should you continue to allow that person to be a part of your life, bad things WILL happen.

Far better for you to think, years down the line: "Wonder how it might have been?"

Rather for her to say: "But your honour, I LOVED anonymousgirl. I never meant to kill her. I was showing her the knife to frighten her and it slipped!"

Yes, that's an extreme and nasty idea as a possible outcome. The problem is, a lot of extreme and nasty things happen to good people. Make sure you aren't one of them. Hell, she already thinks she owns you, put any more time into a relationship with her and she WILL own you.

I've been in some abusive relationships, mostly emotional/mental abuse, but one escalated to a knife pulled on me.

One of the things DV survivors need to find out is why they were attracted to the abuser. (This is not victim blaming, I hope you understand.) Was is low self esteem? Wanting to fix the other person? Childhood issues? Whirlwind relationship descending into volatility?

A counselor will help you work through any issues and show you how to recognize the signs of possible future abusers. A few weeks ago, I was explaining to some friends that if people don't work out these issues, they're going to continue to repeat similar mistakes and get involved in horrible situations.

If you have any other questions, I'll be happy to answer them.

I would agree particularly if this was not the first time you have been drawn to someone like this

There are a number of reasons why I've been drawn to abusers (though this is BY FAR the most extreme thing I've been through)...

I do have self-esteem and depression issues, though I've always been outwardly successful.

Also, though, I am a sexually submissive person (BDSM-esque) and am drawn to people who could be a good dominant sexually. I often mistake aggression and violence for sexual dominance.

anonymousgirl Wrote:
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> There are a number of reasons why I've been drawn
> to abusers (though this is BY FAR the most extreme
> thing I've been through)...
>
> I do have self-esteem and depression issues,
> though I've always been outwardly successful.
>
> Also, though, I am a sexually submissive person
> (BDSM-esque) and am drawn to people who could be a
> good dominant sexually. I often mistake aggression
> and violence for sexual dominance.

Perhaps they do not always know the difference, either?

I'd agree that lines may be crossed, but a) I don't enjoy extreme BDSM. A consensual spanking is completely different from taking someone's phone so they can't call 911 after you've choked and threatened them with a weapon. B) Also, a few times it's been "borderline" (she got too sexually aggressive with me when I really DIDN'T want it), but when I explained that that was NOT what I liked...whenever she got angry, it'd happen again and she'd continue to say "Well, I thought you wanted it," even though I'd specifically said I didn't, on several occasions.

Any time you're inflicting pain it can go too far...you get too rough, you spank a little too hard, whatever...but I feel like when guidelines are clearly laid out for you, and there's a natural line of human decency (aka not raping someone unless you've clearly planned a rape fantasy), it's not really an excuse.

Ya ~ there was the time she threw a can of shaving cream at Ziller’s head that knocked his glasses off and gave him a black eye.

Then she smashed all the glass in the house by continuing to throw things.

Then she called the police on Ziller because he tried to stop her from destroying the whole house by physically restraining her.

She explained to the police what had happened and the police arrested both of us for domestic violence.

While chilling in jail, Ziller said to himself, “Self, no bitch has ever put Ziller in jail. Ziller will file for divorce the second he bails out.”

Well, later she and Ziller were transferred to cells where they could see each other across the hall and guess what?

She points to her eye, then to her heart, then points to Ziller.

Ziller repeats her actions and mouths, “I love you too, baby” through the glass.

Fast forward for one more year of where each few days of total heaven-on-earth is followed by a few days of absolute hell-on-earth.

Finally one day at two o’clock in the morning, Ziller is sitting alone in an apartment where every single piece of glass has again been broken, every table top has been emptied to the floor, Ziller’s cell phone is broken in half, and she has packed all her stuff and left for the 100th time.

Ziller had had enough. He packed only those things that he absolutely could not leave behind ~ and left for good.

OK, that has been almost 2 months ago.

Ya ~ Ziller misses her every second.

Do you think it will ever stop?

anonymousgirl Wrote:
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> Do you think it will ever stop?

I sighed to myself, then. Why? Well, the answer is yes, sort of.

Eventually, the lust and longing for the inappropriate person does fade. It might never completely go away, but it changes with time to something less toxic. (Yes, I speak from experience. I went out with a woman from 1979 to 1985/6, it finished and it broke my heart. You know something? Even all these years later, I still find myself sometimes thinking of her, from time-to-time.

Wow. I have gone all introspective, now! ;o))

If you haven't seen this site, you should...


www.shrink4men.com


It's especially for people who deal with abusive, high conflict, personality disordered women. It has been very helpful for my husband, whose ex wife was abusive.

knotheadusc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you haven't seen this site, you should...
>
>
> www.shrink4men.com
>
>
> It's especially for people who deal with abusive,
> high conflict, personality disordered women. It
> has been very helpful for my husband, whose ex
> wife was abusive.

Thanks knotheadusc.

You have done a very good deed today.

> anonymousgirl Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> Do you think it will ever stop?

Yes, the pain of leaving someone will stop. I speak from personal experience. It may take a while. It may take a long while. But it will stop.

I think the key is going cold turkey. You have to not see that person at all for as long as it takes to fully get over him or her. For me, it took a year.

Eventually you will see that this person was wrong for you. That your focus on the person's good qualities somehow blinded you to his/her bad qualities. That this person was never worth wasting a minute of angst about, because he/she was simply not a good match for you from the start.

There are other potential partners for you out there. This is going to sound like weird advice, but I think you should look for someone who is highly athletic (someone who does a lot of skiing, snowboarding, rock climbing, etc.) Athletes are very in tune with their bodies and are adventuresome both in and out of the bedroom. If you are not so athletic yourself, take up a sport! Skiing, snowboarding, golf, and tennis are all great ways to meet people. Or hit the gym. Participation in sports also boosts your mood and gives greater self-esteem with increasing mastery and fitness.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 09:55AM by summer.

Well mebe it’s like smoking:

Everybody quits sooner or later. It’s just that some people choose to quit and live smoke-free before they die.

Bad analogy? OK.

It is like these holidays ~ Ziller has spent a lot of time with some old friends.

About half of them are in a relationship with really normal, charming, beautiful, caring women.

The other half have been strung out to hell and back after disastrous relationships with psychotic bitches.

All of them seem to be more or less reasonably happy with their lives.

Now everybody knows that the psychos are the best in the sack, right?

But there is something to be said for the boring predictable home-life.

Mebe the rule of thumb is this:

It is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

ziller

you too anony! yes the pain does go away...a "rebound" relationship is in order! :)...well it helps alleviate the pain! :) was this your first love? seems like...nothing like the first love and nothing like the pain from it either! its a life thing...take love where and when ya can is what i say...even with the pain! the "highs" are worth it...but this woman needs to be put in the rear view mirror! good luck kiddo! :)

Anonymousgirl,

Your initial post about calling the cops and having your abuser arrested promopted me to write this post: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,385475

I'm not sure of it will speak to you or not but your situation certainly called up thoughts and feelings from my past.

My ex-husband and I were divorced 11 years ago. Even though we have a child together, he is not a part of my life anymore (or hers, obviously) because he was still a not-good person after we split. It wasnt' me. It wasn't anything I could change or fix about him. It's him! It's been 9 years since I've seen him, and 3 (I think) since we've spoken. I changed my number after learning about some very bad behavior on his part, and then moved for unrelated reasons but he pulled my credit and tracked me down. After he tried playing the "I've changed and want to get to know (daughter) card and will do whatever you say" card he got ugly when I said what it would take*. It was right back to the attacks on my character, predictions about my current marriage (something he wouldn't know a damn thing about), his tired old threat about daughter growing up to hate me for keeping them apart and his prediction that she will run away from me to live with him, etc.

You know what? It didn't hurt anymore. I've grown. I've healed. I've loved myself, and then have had the pleasure of being loved by a good man. I see the ex for what he is - a sad and damaged little man. While I didn't appreciate him tracking me down, or his stupid attepmts to wield power over me, I did appreciate how I came away from that experience realizing just howw far I'd come. It was amazing when I realized that my life was no lnger defined by my relationship to him. I was no longer living in reaction to what he did to me. I was no longer in danger or repeating those same mistakes because I took time to look inside myself and see why I had been susceptible to him in the first place (as suggested by Itzpaplotl) and then work on healing those parts of me.

There can be healing, hope, and healthy love on the other side of an abusive relationship. Trust that today as you hurt. It won't always feel like this.

Love,
Angela

*ETA - There was no real chance in hell he was going to gain any kind of access to my daughter and I knew that. Telling him "what it would take" was a bluff. He owes more than $20k in child support and as soon as that was mentioned, he backed off. As I knew he would. I will never let him near my girl.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 10:47AM by fallenangela.

A friend of mine once described such a woman -- beautiful, bright, talented, and thoroughly messed up emotionally -- as heroin: he craved her, even though he knew she was poison. (He was finally able to kick the habit.)

For me, there wasn't a whole lot of love or affection any other time. He was emotionally abusive daily. The violence was just a cherry on top, I guess, and that really only took place at the end, so for me, leaving was probably easier than it is for someone who has something great in between the fits of violence. I did love him and wanted our marriage to work, we had kids, so it was tough to leave. I'm 10 years out of it, but it still creeps back from time to time. You wonder what you could have done different in order for these things not to happen even though you know this is not your fault. Time heals, but expect some bumps along the way.