I am effing pissed off. Fourth family gathering where dear FIL shafted a celebratory event involving my family. The damn TBM's can talk the talk, but they sure can't as hell walk the walk. Go I wished I had my old Fred Flintstone punching bag! How can the fu&!er sit home and get joy from shafting his grand kids birthdays? Nasty, nasty behavior.

Maybe he feels his presence would distract from the celebration given the animosity you two share.

Since this is the fourth time, it probably didn't come as a huge surprise to you that he didn't show. I'll bet the kids didn't even notice since he hasn't come in the past.

Remember, tiptoes, maintaining your calm mental state is your number one priority.

Best

Anagrammy

Nope. He is being a jerk. He knows that I wanted him to be there. His actions send his message loud and clear. I am having a hard time taking any responsibility for this.

I'll jump in on this one. I agree with anagrammy, in that you do have a responsibilty here. If you know he's being a jerk, and you have three previous examples of his behavior, it's your reponsibility to manage your expectations of him. Unless you want to keep expecting something different and keep feeling hurt. As much as each of us would like to believe our expectations are reasonable and valid, if they only serve to hurt us, it's time to take responsibility for them.

I know it's frustrating and hurtful when people act like jerks but I also know that I can't change them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 11:31AM by fallenangela.

Here's one of the things that has helped me immensely in dealing with an obnoxious person. I can't remember where I read it, but it's helped me a lot.

The book was talking about how you needed to have trust in others in order to move forward, and then discussed what that meant when dealing with someone who is a liar, a manipulator, etc.

Essentially the advice given was that you can trust that person as well - you can trust that they will go right on being a liar, manipulator, abuser, etc. So, TRUST that your FIL will continue to be a fuckwit and then be pleasantly surprised if/when he is not.

I give up. Yes, I was too hopeful as I always am...I do not need anymore reminders of my flaws. Believe me when I say that I am very introspective with myself, and spend a fair amount of trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The whole reason he is a no-show is because of me....has nothing to do with my kids. The message is loud and clear: I am not worth the effort in making amends. It all coincides with the fact, that he cannot speak to me since he found out the kids and I resigned (removed our names whatever the hell the correct term is) from the church. Resigned because the church forced its hand by threatening to excommunicate me for getting baptized in th Methodist church. Yet FIL thinks I need to be lienate (sp?) with the church leaders in their treatment of me. The church is full of full fledged liars and I am supposed to have mercy on them?

It sucks to do this all alone...fuck the church of compliance professionals.

You can't expect more from them and your FIL is just their stupid wonka (like we all were before we woke up).

Being happy is a lot about letting go of outcomes you have no control over. I keep thinking of that poor woman who lost her entire family --mom, dad, kids because her asswipe boyfriend was too lazy to put the coals in the metal can away from the house.

Many of us brought people into our lives that we trusted not to hurt out children. The anger we feel toward these people burns like no other. I am seeing through your anger to acknowledge the love you have for your children.

For years I have worked to redirect my anger at my exhusband who was extremely cruel to his own children and directly caused my son from a previous to have a psychotic break. He dumped him off at a shopping mall in Portland in the winter with a sleeping bag and a guitar. The next time I saw him he had been found with slashed wrists at a construction site. He had been beaten, robbed, starved and was put in a mental institution. Following that, his father testified against him in court and obtained a judgment against him for a broken window when he broke in his house to get pictures of his girlfriend, and love letters. He is stable now, but you don't recover from schizophrenia and I've learned to love this new person, but my old son is gone forever.

I only tell you this because I understand the anger and I know others are reading this and are suffering trying to "forgive."

I submit that the Christian model of forgiveness may not work for you. I offer an alternative that has helped me to find peace and resolution. Instead of forgiving, I visualize letting these past actions go forward into the future--into karma for the individual.
This form of justice seems to give me release. I use that term because ongoing hatred is a form of bondage. I want to be free. I want to be free of the hatred even though it is well-justified, because it does "destroy the vessel."

After leaving Mormonism, and then traditional Christianity, I find I cannot use the lingo of those religions without experiencing a backlash effect. Finding different words and different ways of accomplishing what is, essentially, the same thing, might be helpful.

((Hugs))

Anagrammy

I do not think that hoping your FIL will man up and be a decent human being is a bad thing. You want to think the best of people, you really do. That's what NORMAL people do.

It's just that hoping and hoping that someone will just be at least somewhat polite and decent and then over and over and over being shafted is really hard to deal with. Somehow you have to disengage.

I dealt with similar problems with my ex. He's a very manipulative and emotionally abusive person. After we divorced he continued to work on my kids. He demonized me and told them a bunch of lies (which they believed at the time). He'd pick them up late (always with an excuse) or change plans at the last minute (because it was an inconvenience to me) all the while acting like he was the "good" one and I was the "evil" one.

I have MANY examples of this. And MANY examples of him treating my children in a hurtful way over a period of years. And, he's still doing it even though both my kids are now over 18 because he's their father and of course they want him to be normal and to have a normal relationship with them. It didn't matter to me what he said to me, after all I divorced him. But for what he did and still does to my kids? Oh yeah. I hate him for that.

I had to get beyond it somehow and not let his craziness make me crazy. I do not forgive him. I can forgive him for myself because I just don't care and he can't affect me anymore. However, I do NOT forgive what he did and still does to my children. Forgiveness is overrated. But I can accept that this is who he is and, as I posted above, that he will always be a complete bastard. I can TRUST that.

Then I can deal with the crazy-making in the best way possible.

So, for you, maybe it's inviting him and keeping that option open, but realizing that he won't come and then also NOT telling your kids so that they won't be disappointed.

Yes, you will still be upset and you have a RIGHT to be! But you can make sure your kids aren't damaged by his behavior.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 07:30PM by polymath.

You are allowing them to upset you. That's giving away a lot of power to people you don't agree with in the first place.

You are making his behavior about you and that is not true.
Why not ignore those that don't fit in with what you want in your life?

Sounds like you need more space away from people who won't respect you and your choices.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am probably hurt more about than my kids are (2 kids bday and thanksgiving and Christmas), although they are old enough to observe that G-ma is here without G-pa. It is all around awkward, their opinions of me have changed, even though I am still the same person, just not living a lie anymore. I will probably not ever leave Christianity all behind, but even before it became an influence in my life, I have always had a love for people, and find the silent treatment quite non-sensical and non-productive. I tend to think everyone is worth it...I certainly hope someone thinks I am worth it, not just someone to put up with.

Again, thanks for your perspectives...it is good to see situations from more objective eyes. @anagrammy...did you see my cake masterpiece...it tasted soooo good...so much for watching the pounds until it is all eaten! ;)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 08:33PM by tiptoes.

It's a miracle you don't weigh 300 lbs.

Seriously, you literally are amazing. You create these masterpieces "en passant" as they say, on your way to do something else you just whip them up.

Have you ever thought about starting your own business as a cake decorator? Did you know that people who are really talented at something often don't feel it's that difficult, so they don't recognize that other people cannot do it so easily.

I think of the SAHM who started the message cookie business in Utah. She creates message cookies and sold them out of a tiny storefront in the mall. Imagine sending someone a cake instead of flowers?

I could see you starting your own business--not that you need the money, but because it is your own self-expression, something that belongs to tiptoes and no one else.

You are far too talented to have your energy sucked up by the errors and omissions of others.

You..are..amazing.

Anagrammy

or at least try to ACT like it doesn't bother you when MIL is around.

I think punishing or upsetting you is part of what he's TRYING to do.

You can at least try to project the idea that you don't EXPECT him to show when you issue the invitations. Be polite, and all, and superficially disappointed if he doesn't come, but not hurt.

You have a legitimate reason to be bothered and hurt, of course.

I'm just suggesting that you don't let HIM in on your pain. Don't let him think he is successfully punishing you.

Eventually, I hope you realized that you don't care to have such a man in your children's lives. He's emotionally damaging.

Happend to me after excommunication and divorce --

Best phrase to use --

*** We all had a great time and all the "TRUE CHRISTIANS" especially mom --had a WONDERFUL TIME" Sorry you were at home and not enjoying activities with the rest of the family***.

JB