This is so screwed up. She is an abusive, violent person, but her family and friends just feel bad for HER instead of me, the victim!

She won't speak to me, won't call me. She won't even tell me she's sorry. I'm being punished for her crimes.

I feel like I've been had. All I keep wondering is, did she EVER love me? Was it all a lie?

How can the crying and hopelessness stop? I'm on the brink of suicide. I've never felt so worthless. No one will help or sympathize with me. They just wanted to bail her out, get her to work, get her her car back. Nothing about somebody who was abused by her multiple times.

I'm reading a book on Buddhism and it talks about pain and suffering a lot, and why it's needed in one's life...one person said that you can never figure out the extent of your inner strength if it's not pushed to the limit once in a while...once this is over, you're going to look back and be so proud of yourself for making it through. You are not worthless. Absolutely not. You have just as much of a right to be living and thriving on this earth as anyone else...challenge yourself to rise above this- it`s going to be one of the hardest things you do but you CAN do it. So you have two choices- you can give in, dwell on all the negative, horrible things that happened to you, and feel miserable, or say eff it. I deserve better than this. (Because you do!!!) I would really, really recommend you to try out yoga or meditation. I used to have severe anxiety problems and there is no better way for one to find peace and clarity. As for her, karma`s a bitch. Don`t you worry about the people who are dumb enough to be sympathizing with her over you. Make a list of all the things that are bothering you and burn it- let that all go. Then make a new list on all the things you love about yourself...there are people in the world who care about you and want you to succeed, and we will be your cheerleader until you can be your own! (And even then, we`ll still be rooting for you!) Hang in there...and please, please consider the yoga or meditation!! And absolutely seek professional help or emergency services if your thoughts on suicide continue.

anonymousgirl Wrote:
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> She won't speak to me, won't call me.

This is a good thing, sweetie. Walk away. Stay away. Don't pick up the phone or email her. Nothing.

> All I keep wondering is, did she EVER love me?

No, and I'll tell you why. She is not in a space where she can love someone in a healthy way. She's not capable of it. Someday, with a LOT of psychological work, she may be. But we're talking decades down the road, and by then you'll be over her.

> ...her family and friends just feel bad for HER instead of me

Yes, they've got their hands full just dealing with her, and they know it.

Seriously, you need to go cold turkey on her starting right now. Yes, you will get over her. But the process of healing won't start until you cease all communication with her. It's time. Do it now.

Very well said.

+2

This is so screwed up. She is an abusive, violent person, but her family and friends just feel bad for HER instead of me, the victim!

As long as your focus is still on her, you're playing her game. You know what she is, she's not going to change, what are you going to do about you????? Either you're going to stay with her and put up with her abuse (in which case, stop your bitching), or you're going to get out!

She won't speak to me, won't call me. She won't even tell me she's sorry. I'm being punished for her crimes.

Again, you're getting something out of this, you're waiting for your apology, so you can what? be the bigger person and forgive her and have her kiss your ass for awhile, until the next episode?

I feel like I've been had. All I keep wondering is, did she EVER love me? Was it all a lie?

Does it matter, she's abusive.

How can the crying and hopelessness stop? I'm on the brink of suicide. I've never felt so worthless. No one will help or sympathize with me. They just wanted to bail her out, get her to work, get her car back. Nothing about somebody who was abused by her multiple times.

If you want to feel better about yourself, take back your personal power, end the relationship on your end. It doesn't matter if she apologizes or wants to come back, too late, the damage has been done and you've made your decision, it's over.
Period, no discussion. If it's not over then enjoy the ride, because apparently you like the abuse.

She might have imagined she loved you but she didn't understand that if you love someone you don't act like she did.

Abusers blame their victims, because blaming themselves would require them admitting something about themselves they don't want to accept.

You will survive this loss and you will come out stronger and wiser. It's not hopeless, just painful.

And about the pain of letting someone go...yeah, it can be awful and horrible. You think that you can't possibly bear that much pain. But here's the thing -- Mother Nature is a great healer. The healing can't start however, until you walk away from her. You may need a domestic violence hotline or a counseler to get through the first nasty part of it. But give it enough time, and you *will* feel better.

Don't harm yourself. I thought about this when I was coming out, but Life gets better! You've got years of beautiful life ahead of you!

Very true, what summer said. You're giving these people the power to harm you. Take back your power. If you need help to do that, then get that help.

But if this girl is not capable of normal love, then that's not your fault. You couldn't have known that. But it's time to walk away, be good to yourself, and begin the healing process.

In time, you can look back and go, "Man, I'm sure glad I got out of that. I'm in such a better place now." But you need to put one foot in front of the other and begin that journey.

My brother came to live with me after his wife kicked him out. I thought they were a happy couple--had no idea how abusive she was to him. She told him nobody would love him, etc., etc., etc. He was DEVASTATED and suicidal, too. He was also afraid he'd lose his son.

It is about 11 years later now--he got remarried a year later. He went from being a forklift driver to now a production manager at a company. He only has a GED and got promoted up to this position. Earns 4 times what he used to earn when married to his first wife. He asked me once--"Haven't I gotten back to where I was when she left me?" I said, "WHAT!?!?!" (And, guess who got custody of his son?)

When you find a relationship that FEEDS YOU--You will SOAR.

Many of us have survived what you are going through. When you get to the other side of this, like others have said, you will be amazed at your strength (and be glad you are not with her anymore). Can you go see a doctor? Can you get some anti-anxiety med for the immediate time period--like lorazepam, xanax, klonopin. It is what saved me when I lost my dog las year.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 10:47AM by cl2.

Time to move on and rebuild. Look at it as a new begining. Two things you can't do anything about,,yesterday and tomorrow. Hope you remain out of contact,,best thing for you,,why do you need that abuse?
Bad relationships are like a scar. You can still see the scar and know what caused it,,but you don't have to tear it open every day.
Good luck,,

1) You will NOT get validation from her family or her friends. They are her support system not yours.

2) You do NOT want her to call you or see you - this relationship needs to be over. Do you think if you went back it would be different? No. Eventually there would be another incident where you were afraid for your life.

It's like having a relationship with a tiger.

You can love the tiger, and pet it and be in awe of it's beauty (the good times) and it can even appear to be tame and purr on your lap and you'll think you are so lucky. Sooner or later though the fact that it's a predator will come out and it'll end up hurting you.

You need to NOT try to fix her - this is not something you can fix. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you were attracted to the tiger in the first place.

By the way, I don't think necessarily it's that you are somehow damaged, abusive people can put up a very good front that they are normal. However, anyone that EVER hurts you or scares you so that you are afraid of that person is NOT someone that is relationship material.

And, yeah, she might have (or even does) love you - but it's a love where she has to dominate you. Abusive people have to control the people they love. It is never an equal relationship. There is only the abuser and the victim.

But please don't take her back. I hate to tell you but she's poison. You did the right thing to protect your safety. Don't put yourself in the same danger again.

If that's a temptation to you, call a hotline and talk to someone trained to help you sort through these feelings. I hope you take this advice to heart. If you don't, I think someday you'll be very sorry.

That is not a happy event!!

Now: protect yourself. Don't allow anyone to victimize you again.

My advice: do not contact anyone and refuse contact from any of the girls friends or relatives. Shut them all out. Cut them off.

Do your best to have her prosecuted for her crimes.

Important: get yourself into some GOOD counseling that will help you deal with all of this, and not allow it to happen again!

I agree with calling a hotline, and do some study of Buddhism. It just might have the kind of help you need to start thinking differently.
There is an old adage: want to change your world, change your thinking.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 01:18PM by SusieQ#1.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your pain. Relationships can lift you to the heights of ecstasy or dump you to the depths of despair. There's always the risk of hurt, disillusion, and anguish in any intimate connection.

That being said, love isn't supposed to hurt in the ways you described in your post. Abuse is NEVER okay, in any of its many forms. If this girl is violent, it is crucial to your physical and emotional safety that you protect yourself from her. I had a friend that was in an abusive marriage for 18 years. Her husband seemed like the nicest guy in the world. I was shocked to catch up with her years later and discover how sick and violent he really was. He deameaned her emotionally as well as physically. I asked her when she finally decided to divorce him. She told me when he sent her to the hospital with a broken nose. Her life was a nightmare for almost 2 decades. The man was so twisted he actually tried to burn down her house!
He finally was incarcerated. She has since remarried, to a nice guy who treats her with the respect she deserves. Her ex completely destroyed her self-esteem, along with battering her body. He is seriously disturbed, not her. She never, ever deserved what he inflicted on her. People like that do their best to convince their victims that it's THEIR problem when really, the abuser is a narcissistic control freak that can't take responsibility for his/her behavior.

I'm sorry for lengthy example, but I want you to know that if a person demonstrates abuse, especially to the point where it endangers their partner, that person is nothing short of a CRIMINAL and needs to be prosecuted. You are NOT to blame, my friend. The only thing you may be "guilty" of is not seeing your self worth clearly enough to realize you don't deserve her mistreatment. A good book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. So many good people like yourself often get stuck in situations with partners that take constantly and often give nothing in return but abuse, claiming it's all the fault of the other person. If that person doesn't value herself sufficently, she can actually buy in to that kind of nonsense (another form of abuse) and keep trying to "fix"the relationship, believing it's all her fault that it's so dysfunctional. You're not a bad or defective person if you get stuck in a codependent relationship. Narcissists thrive on and take advantage of kind, giving people who end up neglecting themselves while caretaking selfish, manipulative and abusive partners.

You deserve better, sooo much better. Let her leave your life,and learn to love and trust yourself enough to find a relationship that is loving and mutually respectful. Counseling is a good way to gain insight and self respect. Get it if you can, and keep remembering--NO ONE deserves to be abused and assaulted. A person who does that is emotionally disturbed and needs to be institutionalized or imprisoned. Literally.

Best of luck to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 01:33PM by hapeheretic.

Try to always keep in mind the words of"The Desiderata,":

"You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars
You have a right to be here."

It may also help to keep in mind that time and distance tend to heal all hurts. I fully agree with all of the above posters' advice--stay away from this person and her family. If state and/or Federal laws were violated and you have the financing to do it, file a civil complaint against her. But more than anything else, you must move on, rebuilding yourself in the process, and find a new and much better relationship with someone else.

Sounds like you want back in if you're thinking about "she won't speak to me, won't call me." Get professional help. After a certain point, you're the one abusing yourself.

I am sorry you have had to go through abuse. I'm also a victim of abuse. Go ahead and cry, if you need to. You have a right to be sad. Please appreciate your life! By contemplating suicide, you will just extend the abuse. Clearly this horrible woman isn't worth sacrificing your life for. She isn't worth one more second of your time, or one more molecule of your heart!

Most abusers are narcissists and/or sociopaths. This means that they have no conscience. They can convince themselves that they are blameless. Likewise, they can convince their friends and family that they are blameless. As you know, these criminals are master manipulators! My brother got away with abusing me, by playing on the sympathy of our parents. I was blamed for his assaults, and was punished for defending myself (when I got old enough to kick hard).

"The squeaky wheel gets the most grease." My brother ran the show, and had my entire family constantly walking on egg shells, trying to prevent his angry tantrums, trying to keep him happy and calm, trying to get him jobs, giving him money and attention, always trying "help" him. They denied that there was anything wrong with my abusive brother--rather, it was the fault of society, that did not accept such rude behavior. I was rewarded if I accepted the abuse and kept quiet. We had to appear like the perfect Mormon family.

What I'm telling you, is that eventually I had to give up being with my family at all. You might have to give up these friends that support your abuser! Having people blame you, the victim, can make you crazy and--yes--suicidal. They are taking away your reality. At least, separate yourself from them for a while. As one poster said, they are NOT your support system. If you can, go to therapy. As you continue to fight the good fight, you will feel better and better--I promise!

I was silent and almost invisible in my dysfunctional family, and I moved out the day after I graduated high school, and never returned. My parents thought I was "the strong one" and didn't need love or support the way my "poor brother" did. He lived in that same house all his life, and my parents paid his way, cooked his meals, cleaned up after him, and did his laundry. He was perfectly capable of work--he just didn't get along with other people. Now, he's been diagnosed as bi-polar, and is on heavy psychotropic meds. I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

Don't hope for "justice" in the world. Especially in Mormon society, abusers usually get away with it. But, you CAN have justice in your own life! Don't wish yourself dead. Try to balance out all the grief with as much pleasure as possible, such as getting out in nature, physical exercise, a good book, a comic book, chocolate, a haircut and new clothes, ice cream--even the simplest pleasures get you through the next hour. My wise grandmother recommended washing your hair and taking a hot bath. Look forward to something--anything--in the near future. January will end. You can watch the Superbowl, there are some good movies coming out. Post on RFM, call some former friends who don't even know that abusive person. You had a life before her, and you can build a life after her--a life that is fair and just for you.

BTW--someone said "Karma's a bitch." My brother has been alone, since my parents died. Of course, no one would date him more than once, let alone marry him. He has been prosecuted for molestation a few times, but has wormed his way out of it. He misbehaved (no one talks about it) with our nieces, so he is banned from that household, too. The nieces are in therapy. Because I left, and have kept my children away from him, he has missed out on all the happiness he could have shared with us.

Your abuser will miss out on all the happiness she could have had with you. You owe it to yourself to move forward and find that happiness, because you are worth it!

They'll be all: "Awww, sweety! I can't believe this is happening to you AGAIN! Another girlfriend who doesn't understand you like WE understand you!

"And this one called the police on you, all because of a little misunderstanding? The nerve of that girl! She wouldn't have called the police if she really understood how come you are like you are, dear!"

The problem is that her little circle of enablers don't understand that if they keep feeding her deep-fried, sugar-coated s**t, they are STILL feeding her s**t!

You are almost certainly NOT the first person she has done this to. Walk away while you still can.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 02:45PM by matt.

Dump her and her enablers

You can find them in the phone book, and members will come talk to you... Alternatively, CoDa (Codependents Anonymous)

This is one of the hardest things any of us go through. It's so tempting to want to go back, or to think it wasn't that bad, or that you'd be willing to put up with your abuser again- just so you don't have to face being alone.

But I PROMISE that you will come out stronger on the other side. Slowly it will hurt less and less until you find yourself thinking it's something you can live through, and then it will slowly become part of your "past." Right now it still feels like your present, and you need to know that it won't always feel that way.

Best of luck. Know that this WILL pass and the sun will come out again. I promise.