Yes, two years on now since I stopped going and now I'm sad. Sad. Wtf? Anybody around here familiar with that emotional pattern?

I'm not sad about leaving the stupid church, with all of its make-work and pride in doing-busy-doing for the Lord* (b/c God is a taskmaster don't you know--no real grace here on earth, no Messiah having saved us, no Christ; we are all working in the salt mines of existence. That is the "joy" and sheer theological perversion of Mormonism. Sterling McMurrin thought Mormonism was theologically progressive! Mein Gott im Himmel!).

No, I am filled with massive amounts of pity for the poor hapless souls trapped in the unmerciful clutches of the LDS church. Some of those souls include members of my family. And I led them into it. I'm sad about that. From within sadness I watch them, with a certain new distance, commenting always at an angle to the church, stories and anecdotes from my own meager store of such. E.g., discussing with my daughter the precise meaning of being a dupe, the feeling of humiliation when I was 22 at being sold a $40.00 coupon book only to find that the coupons aren't honored by merchants in town and only in the end to find the empty office of the sellers of the coupon book.

Ultimately I cannot be trusted. That is the gift of the Mormon church, its truth, to me. There are people who are animals, like Joseph Smith, filled with only their own appetites and their satiety. People like me are foolish, want more, and are willing to believe other fools who promise that more. Anyone who as a Mormon attempts to speak with wisdom and truth only makes me want to vomit now.

Isn't the church wonderful? Isn't it marvelous?

* See David Garza's comment to resigned Bishop Steve Bloor's blog: "Because I may practice other faith-building activities (temple attendance, wearing garments, reading scripture in BoM) I’m doing things all wrong and damned. Really? Doing more than what’s required in things centered on Christ is a bad thing?"

Yes, you self-righteous son of a bitch, you are as damned as any of us despite your kowtowing, obeisance, and crawling dog act before a hideous and impossible God.

The Five Stages of Grief:

1.Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

(Or possibly, "Ferret? What ferret?")

Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.

2.Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"

(Or you're righteously pissed off at the Church that stole so many years from you.)

Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.

3.Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

(I think for people leaving authoritarian organizations this is when they figure out how much they will work with those still left in the organization.)

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."

4.Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

(Or, I suspect in your case, "I finally realize how much it hurts that I lost irreplacable time and/or am still dealing with the fallout of this change in my life.")

During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5.Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

Of course, people move back and forth through these stages and there's no set schedule.

But you're grieving and you should allow yourself to do that. It's okay. :)

I was just thrilled beyond belief that I could trust myself and get out of a religion with claims that didn't hold up to scrutiny. I found a lot of humor in that also. But, that's just me. :-)

I was only a Mormon by force, from birth. So anger played a large part in my recovery. I think I'm still mad at my estranged father for being such a goddam dupe. But I'm even more angry with myself for not cutting off relations with my sick and toxic parents earlier than I did. I kept hoping, you know? That's the sad part.