I left the church about 3 years ago. DH is NOM and attends 1-2 times a month.
When I left the church, my DH was branch president and I was district primary president. We had a few meetings with church leaders where they tried to convince me to stay. The most memorable one was with the Mission President and his wife. In the end, they realized that I was convinced that the church was not true and that it was harmful to me as a woman. They couldn't muster up a legitimate argument over any of my issues so they tried to convince me that staying in the church was the only way my kids would turn out ok...without the church, kids turn into drug addicted, sexually deviant, academically underachieving, suicidal misfits. At the time, my oldest child was 14 and I was really concerned that they might be right. Fortunately, they were wrong. My kids are turning out freakin' awesome (I'll write a bragging post about my kids at at later date). ;)
My oldest son is now a senior in HS and my next son is a freshman. We live about 45 miles to the closest church building, so DH was called to be the kids' seminary teacher. The first couple years after my apostasy, DH made a half-hearted effort to do seminary. This year he has done nothing. Our kids have lost almost all interest in Mormonism. Our oldest son didn't even apply to BYU.
Anyhoo..the senior couple are CES missionaries. They drove 5 hours round trip to come to our home and visit with DH and myself. They were very nice. They were very polite. We visited for about an hour about non-church related stuff. Then they kindly asked DH if he thought that our kids could catch up with the seminary lessons so our oldest could graduate seminary this spring. DH said, "I don't think that's going to happen". They said OK and were very non-judgemental acting. Then DH said something about how he's not too hip on teaching the OT (what they are studying this year). I then had to open my mouth and say, "yes, some of the teaching in the OT are just plain creepy.". Then I explained that we are letting our kids choose which religion they want to follow. The husband said, "that's good, we did the same thing with our kids. One time a JW came to our house and we let our son accept a magazine from them." Then he laughed and said, "of course we told the JW at the door that I was the bishop and surprising they never came back".
They must have felt the spirit of contention, because they all of a sudden were in a hurry to get on the road. I told them that I had some cookies that just came out of the oven, but they said they were on diets.
I'm really trying to be nice to mormons, but it seems that I'm really scary to them. I know part of my issue yesterday was that I have been told by church leaders in the past that I was unable to raise good kids without the church. I'm angry because I bought into that fear. Fortunately, I had enough faith in myself and my DH to leave what had been a damaging religion for me.
I just feel defensive and nervous around mormons. ((sigh))
That doesn't sound like you were a jerk at all. It sounds like you stated your beliefs and intentions with your children in a polite way.
It seems like things just got to the point that they realized neither you nor your husband were interested in moving forward with seminary for your kids so they avoided things getting contentious and left.
Unannounced strangers showed up at the door, you let them in for an hour and offered them cookies. They didn't want a snack and hinted that you needed to pressure one of your kids to cram for seminary when you don't like the study course.
Sounds like you were more accomodating than these people deserved. How far they decided to drive wasn't your decision.
You can't raise descent kids without "the church." If you leave "the church" you'll fall into a life of debauchery. And you felt genuine fear over this.
These people drove 5 hours to get your family sucked back in...cultish.
But I always seem to have to get a couple of jabs in.
Angelina5, We let our kids decide if they want to go to church or not. Mostly they stay home. We don't allow our children to be interviewed without one of us present. We let them know that what they hear at the mormon church is not always accurate in regards to church history. We are honest and tell them that Mom doesn't believe in the church, but Dad does a little. We still expect them to work hard at school, no sex, no alcohol or drugs, etc. I think the big thing is that kids want to 1.feel safe and secure in their family and 2.want to have clear expectations of what parents expect of them.
So far we have had pretty good results. My kids can sometimes be jerks (especially to each other), but they were that way when we were doing mormonism too (lol).
I think we have essentially 'phased out' mormonism in our kids' lives.
Sounded find to me. You were polite and conversed with them about their subject matter. If the senior missionaries became uncomfortable, that's about them, not you! You didn't do anything to them. You were honest. Works for me!
Sounds like you were far too polite in my opinion.
I doubt they would have allowed any of their Kids join the JW's so readily and JW's are not easily dissauded when a Bishop answers (and I mean a real one and not the made up Mormon one! lol).
You sounded very honest and kind with them. Religion of all kinds is dying right now. They’re just concerned and trying to stop the necrosis from spreading, but it's inevitable.
I agree....what you said about the OT was mild. The fact you once thought you had to raise kids in Mormonism makes sense since you heard it over and over all your life. Making a decision to leave knowing you could raise great kids without the LDS indoctrination took courage but look at how it turned out. Seems the kids are following YOU. Way to go.
My kids -- now both 30+-- were only in a Mormon Church a few times with their cousins. When you visit Mormons or they visit, church is mandatory. But when they visit you,at least you can lend them a car and say have a nice time, see you later today. And then you can have some fun while they're gone.
My kids had lots of religious exposure, but no religion forced upon them. When they were toddlers, we attended the Quaker Church. Very nice, interesting, a little hard to translate to very young children.
So, throughout elementary school days we were members of the UCC which provided a good cultural understanding of mainstream Christian Protestantism. As junior high approached, we all started sleeping in more. My daughter became very active in the Unitarian Youth Group -- a good fit at the time. My son preferred sleep.
Both children attended a Catholic High School, it was academically the best choice and they learned something about another world view. I thought the discussions that took place in the mandatory religion classes were very sophisticated and intelligent, even though they came from the Catholic view. My daughter actually "came out" in that high school and received a lot of support from members of the faculty and staff.
Fast forward through good secular colleges -- daughter is now a doctor (internal medicine) and son is an engineer with specialties in radio frequency and cardiac telemetry.
I am sure they dabbled a bit in high school, and they weren't perfect -- thank God. But they are far more accomplished than their Mormon cousins, who despite their BYU degrees, have mostly followed the path of lots of kids and foreclosures.
Most important, my kids are mostly happy and well adjusted and well prepared for life's challenges. They do not seethe with repression, they do not check their brains at the door, they are not manipulative. Theologically speaking, my daughter is a theist, my son an atheist -- simply not much of an issue although we sometimes enjoy the debate as a family.
I know it was easier for us in part because we lived on the East coast with little Mo exposure except for family visits. So, I don't want to mitigate your concerns, but you are fine.
Tauna Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > They couldn't muster up a > legitimate argument over any of my issues so they > tried to convince me that staying in the church > was the only way my kids would turn out > ok...without the church, kids turn into drug > addicted, sexually deviant, academically > underachieving, suicidal misfits.
Because ALL the non-Mormon kids are drug-addicted, sexually deviant, academically underachieving, suicidal misfits. LOL
These people are so introverted into the Cult that they can't open their eyes to the world around them.
I think we need more posts here about how kids turn out awesome outside of the church. This was my biggest fear even after I knew the thing was BS... Mormons try to scare you into staying because of the kids.
I grew up hearing the urban legend of " They lost their minds- left the church and then the kids became devil worshiping drop out heroin addicts who now live in a trailor park."
My neice and nephew grew up basically unchurched and have turned out just fine. They are both accomplished, responsible adults. Their mom sent them to a church-affiliated elementary school for a couple of years, and to a summer bible camp for a few summers as well. But that was basically it. Neither are practicing religion at present.
I do think that parents need to communicate their values to their children, consistently and persistently. Often this can be accomplished through ordinary conversation as families react to neighborhood and world news. I'm a big advocate of shared family dinners as a way of inculcating children with a family's values. When I was growing up, the rule was that every person at the table had to share something about his or her day. Research has shown that children of families that eat dinner together do better in school. You may be thinking to yourself, every family does this. But every family doesn't. Some families are very distracted, with members coming and going during mealtime. Some parents just stick their kids in front of the TV with dinner on a tray. I've heard many sad stories of children who are basically ignored by their parents.
They are soooo used to the bubble of Mormonism they live in with, the "the Chruch is trueoooo", "we're so lucky to have the restored Priesthood" and "I know the Church is the one true Church on earth today" and every false statement is agreed upon and goes unchallenged that when they actually run into people and have a real discussion with opposing opinions and facts presented that don't support their "Truth", they run away like scared rabbits, as fast as they can.
Mormons are totally unprepared to defend their religion, because there is no defense of it. When you drag it out into the light of day all lies are exposed for what they are. LIES! and God knows the faithfull can't have that.
The missionary couple came to discuss religion with you, and you discussed religion with them in a civil manner. If they found the conversation disturbing, it's because you were showing evidence of thinking for yourselves!
I can't imagine someone driving five hours solely to coax you into going back to church. That's creepy. It about defines someone who "needs a hobby."