There was recently a series of posts about same-sex domestic abuse. I can relate.

My girlfriend and I had a whirlwind romance. She has a criminal record, a few assault charges (with other girlfriends and a police officer, though all of them but with the police officer were dismissed), and a history of drug and alcohol abuse. I am outwardly a goody two shoes overachiever, but I have a history of depression and low self esteem, partly from my ultra-Mormon upbringing. You can probably see where this is going.

I constantly tried to leave her because I couldn't deal with her past and her continued penchant for going to bars every night we weren't together, among other things. Then one night, she got drunk and started screaming at me. We got in a fight and eventually she put me in a chokehold, threw me on the ground, and threatened my life with a weapon, then immediately dropped it and wouldn't allow me to call the police, then apologized profusely until I forgave her.

She promised me she would see a counselor but did not because it was too expensive. Then one night she came over drunk again. I was angry at her for drinking again and told her to leave. She wouldn't. We started yelling at each other and I could tell she was in her angry mode, where she gets out of control. She was in my face, screaming at me that I was a worthless disgusting whore, that no one would ever love me and that I was trash, and I snapped and slapped her a couple of times and pulled her hair. Of course this provoked her and she picked me up and threw me down, then pinned me down (she weighs about 240 pounds, I weigh about 110, and she is much taller than me, so this was very scary), started choking me and not letting me breathe. I was crying and begged her to please just leave, please just leave, please just get off me. I could just barely breathe and she put me on the ground and put her hand over my mouth. This continued for about 10-15 minutes. Finally she got up and I called the police. Apparently this has happened to her before with previous girlfriends and friends. I feel nothing but guilt for my part in it. I should not have slapped her, even if I was scared or hurt. Now she may get in trouble, and with previous offenses this could get very bad for her. I know that I did something terribly wrong and I feel like it's my fault that this happened. She has since seen a counselor but will not stop drinking or exercise (which is what he recommended). I am very very afraid for her and for myself. Who could ever love someone like me? Who has done what I've done?