This question is mostly for those of us who actually loved or liked being Mormon but left when they realized the extent of the lies and lack of benefits from Mormonism Inc. Because I actually really liked being Mormon back in the day. I liked feeling special, having the answers, knowing I could have an eternal family, dressing up on Sunday and going to church (mostly to daydream, but still...), feeling needed, belonging to a group of ready-made friends. I felt like I could make the life and family I wanted for myself by being a good enough Mormon. Sure, when I graduated from BYU single, my confidence slipped a bit but I just worked harder. I served a mission, I was RS pres in my single's ward, I eventually moved to Utah looking for the right single RM. And it worked, I married an RM in the temple - surely now all that was promised, the saints would be given? Right?

Actually, not even a little bit. As we all know, after they've got you (i.e. temple marriage and small children) the fun ends and the demands begin. Not only did my RM not provide a fairy tale ending but Mormonism began demanding more right as they were dumbing down and offering less. I started seeing the ugly side of Mormonism but clung to the idea that if I just worked hard enough... Figuring out the truth of Mormonism was a huge relief. I wasn't crazy after all. Mormonism was. For a long time, I was more interested in proving my sanity and Mormonism's insanity to worry about much else.

Fast forward to last Saturday. In the mail is a letter from the bishopric of the ward we live in. Apparently two weeks from now is Ward Conference, followed by Stake Conf at the end of February. For those who don't know, Ward Conference is pretty much like any other Sunday, but the Stake leaders of all the different groups come and watch and sometimes participate. So it's actually more polished, more phony and more boring than a regular Sunday. Anyway, Bishop Jackwagon announced the theme of both Ward and Stake Conf is Gaining Strength from the Book of Mormon, along with the usual challenges to read daily and memorize those individual verses that are meaningful to you. Then each member of the bishopric took a paragraph to bear their testimony of the Book of Mormon. The one that got to me was the new counselor, a youngish, 30-something with a wife and 4 kids. He talked about meeting the missionaries at UCLA his freshman year and liking their message of eternal families. How his parents had both married multiple times while he was growing up and he promised himself he'd either never marry or he'd stay married. How the Book of Mormon had taught him everything he needed to know about being the person, the missionary, the husband and father he wanted to be and he quoted specific Book of Mormon stories.

For some reason, this depressed the heck out of me. I thought it was because here was a guy who Mormon Inc. was using - using his fear of failure at home to manipulate into taking a time consuming calling that kept him away from the family he was trying to create. And the principle of tithing that took opportunities from the family he wanted so much. Mormonism was using his desires for good in order to get his time and money and would leave him farther from his goals than he would have been, rather than closer to them. How good and earnest this young father seemed and how the church was using his fears to get what they wanted out of him, despite his feeling there was some benefit to be had. I fell asleep pondering how unfair this all was and if I was being equally unfair. I mean, we don't like it when Mormons feel sorry for us because of our beliefs - was I being no better than them?

OK, I really feel stupid at quoting my dreams but in this dream I was sitting on the beach just sobbing because I wanted to go back and be that happy, safe, naive, believing Molly Mormon I used to be but I couldn't figure out how. Suddenly, I realized someone was standing behind me and I said to them "I want to go back to being that Molly Mormon" and in a kind, but firm voice he said "But you can't, you know." That woke me up and I realized the one thing I've never done is really let myself be sad for those lost dreams. I realize they were dreams akin to those of Santa and the tooth fairy and there was no choice to grow up and let them go but still. I think it's OK to cry a bit that they didn't come true - that they can't come true because the promises the LDS church make are all based on a lie. Maybe they can get some people a little closer to who they want to be but the big stuff they promise, they can't deliver on and it's really alright to be sad you wasted so much time loving something that ultimately was unfaithful to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2012 05:20PM by CA girl.

"wasted so much time loving something that ultimately was unfaithful to you"

I am stunned that you said that. I never looked at it that way. I had no need to mourn, but you have really opened up a new way of seeing it all to me that I never had before. Thank you. It makes me see a lot of what I read here in a new light.

I saw the betrayal, I never saw the loss that it is. I gained so much instantly that any loss was negligible.

realizing the mormon church was false was the happiest day of my life.

I suffered a lifetime of guilt, the humiliation of a court of love, never being good enough, and wearing garments.

When I got my garments, I realized that my life was over. Trying to wear shorts and having them peek out, feeling too hot with the layers....

I started researching the church because of my anger of the abuse and humiliation that I endured in the "court of love" When I read about the book of Abraham and the problems with the book of mormon, a wave of happiness washed over me that hasn't ended yet. I mourn that I had to endure life as a mormon, but I never mourn the fact that I'm not mormon anymore.

I spent a couple of months waiting for my TBM wife to get to the point she was ready for me to resign after I wanted to resign - and years after I quit believing it.

When that day came I was surprised to feel sad when I sent my resignation letter.

Yes, there is a sense of loss. However, as you state so well it is a loss of something that wasn't real.

My TBM wife briefly considered stop believing herself. Quite quickly she realized all that she would loose if it were not real. Her whole outlook and way of life would change. The security of a way of life and beliefs that she is comfortable with. A ready made instruction book for how to raise our children, etc. What she lost was the courage to continue to take an honest look.

until I read your post. I mourned the dream. I still mourn the dream now and then--when I look at how complex my life is because I have a 'broken' marriage and I'll never be able to give my kids an 'intact' family. Having a relationship that isn't their dad--the forever marriage.

Thing is--by them condoning gay/straight marriage (and they still do)--my marriage was over before it even started. I lost almost everything to mormonism--all my dreams. There was nothing I longed for more than a forever family--that I'd never lose the man I loved and who I had given up so many opportunities for.

There are still days. Most days I am happy with how my life is NOW--it was a long journey. By the time I realized the LDS church was a lie, though, I was a long time gone.

I look at my TBM daughter and think what you did about the counselor in the bishopric. She is mormon because she truly believes that if she "does it right"--that she won't end up in a broken marriage--as she doesn't realize that I was just like her. There are very few people I know who wanted it and needed the dream to be true more than I--and one that wanted it more than I did--was my ex.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2012 06:01PM by cl2.

I was nearly three years home from my mission, still single, and very ready to go. In addition, I had moved from NorCal to SoCal with 2 friends and, even though I attended church every Sunday when in town (right up to the time I quit), never really made friends in the new ward. All of this helped to make my exit very easy. When I left, I was gone, never to look back and never to feel one bit of guilt for my apostacy and subsequent destruction of most of the comandments.

In short, no, not one day.

you didn't apostasize, to the contrary, you got closer to truth, therefore, the morg is the grand apostacy.

I really resent any TBM calling any of us an apostate. We have not fallin from truth, we have come closer to truth.

Anyone who subscribes to milk only and no meat is truly not ready for God's kingdom according to Joe Smith. If God revealed his sick idea of plural marraige in the 1820's, then we are all damn well ready to get the meat NOW!

I felt an intense sense of loss. Most of my Mormon experiences were very positive. I felt like I went through a process of grieving, because I lost something that had defined my identity for many years. My husband on the other hand did not have as many positive experiences. It was still a loss to him though, because he had believed it for so long, he just didn't like it. But I loved it through and through, the perfect Molly mormon, until I woke up. Sometimes epiphanies hurt, but it was worth it.

The journey out of mormonism seems to cycle through mourning in so many ways -- principally because faithful ex-TBMs have no idea how much they have really sacrificed and given up and denied themselves until after they are out and have had time to discover real (non-cult) life.

There are so many examples of this.

Thanks for bringing this up. I also felt very saddened by what I had lost, and for all that I sacrificed in my life in the quest for promised joy and happiness. I too lost my marriage, and in a way I lost most of my children as well, as they are still strongly indoctrinated and have put up walls between us lest I contaminate their pure Mormon lives.

I believe it is very important to recognize the losses one suffers when leaving the church, and to mourn if need be. It's a natural part of the healing process.

I think you described it so eloquently.

My mother and I mourn at times still mourn the loss of our "identity." We so badly wanted to belong somewhere and fit in - and Mormons looked so happy we thought we could be happy there too. However, no matter how hard we tried, we never fit in and never felt good enough. We were constantly striving for something we could never be... robots!

I was in the church for over two years before I got a calling or visiting teachers. When my fiance received a calling a few weeks after being baptized and automatically had home teachers - I cried all the way home from church because I felt overlooked. Being Native American was another stumbling block. I faced so much racism in TSCC I couldn't believe it. And - GASP! I wanted to have a career and work instead of be a stay at home mom. I didn't fit in and never would, but still am sad that I don't have a community to call my own.

It's hard to explain, but I think I know where you are coming from.

I mourned for quite a few years after I finished being angry. Your post is bueatiful and eloquent and describes so much of my experience. I also deeply felt as if I could write what was written by another poster:




iamfreeatlast Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I mourn at times still mourn the
> loss of our "identity." We so badly wanted to
> belong somewhere and fit in - and Mormons looked
> so happy we thought we could be happy there too.
> However, no matter how hard we tried, we never fit
> in and never felt good enough. We were constantly
> striving for something we could never be...
> robots!
>

NO. I've been angry, resentful,and then happy. Very happy. I couldn't lose something I never had.

I was pissed about all of the time, and money, resentful that people tried to pretend they were my friend to get me to come back.

Now I'm happy i'm out. It's all good. Whats done is done. I'm glad i'm no longer going to waste another minute of my time or money on a church who went to great lengths to make me feel like there was something wrong with me, and I would never be good enough. Good riddance. It's like finally killing the rat that has tormented you all your life.

I'm so happy that the internet exists. I thought I was a rare case. Turns out its the mormon way. They have everyone so terrified of speaking out, you think everyone else is doing fine, and you're the only one with questions. The only one seeing what you're seeing. You're made to feel like you are the defect in the crowd. The internet is breaking the silence. The sound is deafening. We can talk about the corrupt leaders day and night if that's what we need to do. The secrets of the perpetrator are out for all to see and hear. That makes me very very happy. The up and coming generation will not have to be held hostage the way my generation was. Even if you were raised in the church, you can get out while you're young and have a full life ahead of you. You have information, support, and validation that I never had. That makes me very happy.

And loving the comfortable familiarity. When we moved to Massachusetts in 1997, we had been out since 1988. Sometimes I would see a BYU sweatshirt in one of the places we lived before MA and I wanted to follow the person out the door.

Anyway, one of my HS TBM friends lives nearby in NH and when we moved in she arranged a welcome party. We drove up our truck and were met by a guy who had been drdad's companion on the trip home from his mission (he lived in NH near our friends). The teens from the local ward unloaded the truck and we bought them all pizza. Our NH friends periodically invited us to parties where all the guests were lds and we felt weirdly at home, but tremendously glad to have left.

In 2001 we finished an addition on our house where my mom would be living. It is a completely separate apartment and we had been moaning about it all year. In November we invited everyone we knew in town who had put up with the moaning. By this time we had even met some area exmos and had lots of good friends in the neighborhood. We invited our mormon friends to the party as well - the house was packed. Someone let them in and they made their way to the kitchen where we were pouring wine.

"How do you know all these people???" they asked in amazement. "It's just the neighbors and people from soccer and friends of music and cub scouts and stuff." Our lds friends were genuinely amazed.

Mormonism was not and is not my heritage, however, I did have decades of being immersed in it. My "Mormon self" was easily shed, in my case which was part of the process of taking my power back and owning it, and recreating a new World View, while taking off the Mormon filter.
A lot depends on where we live, I think, when we leave the LDS Church. It plays into how easily we can make changes and how much difficulty we have with others.

Yes, I needed time. I believed in "The Gospel" hook line and sinker. I thought I "knew." Wisn now I'd slammed the door in the missionaries faces.

Oh my gosh! That was so beautifully said! + 1 million!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2012 11:45PM by steve benson.

Yes, I probably did. Isn't anger a phase of mourning?

I do not think I have to mourn the loss of the whole paradigm- I can keep what I want. I thought I had to give it all away- but suddenly I am enjoying making butterfly cookies with cookie cutters. I am enjoying rolling biscuits again while my husband cooks on the Bar B Q (it was 68 degrees this afternoon.)

What part of Mollie is it that you want to do? Can't you keep the part of the paradigm that you actually like about you? I know I like it, sorting cookie cutters and rolling dough and discovering how they baked as cookies. Is it so awful to love to bake? I have discovered making Italian sauce from tomatoe paste and I can make pasta almost as good as my grandma- that's very domestic & extremely satisfying kitchen. If you like bread, and you like baking bread, why not bake bread? I'd rather make biscuits or pizzelis or butterfly sugar cookies- or cheese crackers- I am enjoying it.

But I dont' have to bake wheat bread to fit in. I don't have to grind and save wheat- it isn't what everyone else is about is it? it is keeping what you love. Why not? Why throw out what you love about yourself, or love about life so much? Even if it is part of the paradigm- keep that part. Keep whatever you want. that you like in life or you like about what you do, how it makes you feel, if you really enjoy it.

I recall rejecting the molly so thoroughly that its only now, doubling back years after I rejected the home maker vision- that I am picking and sorting and living exact certain parts- of my favorite parts of cooking, my favorite parts only of home making- with enthusiasm and great joy. With relish.
But not because somebody told me to- or told me I had to=- or that it was something I had to do! and I am not NOT doing it because it was something they all talked about in Relief society or men said it was women's work.

I picked- and sorted- and lived- and determined that- actually- that one thing, I like- I love it. Lassagna, ravioli, making it, rolling biscuits, making and rolling cookies out, baking things- I enjoy it thoroughly. & despite the rage I once had with women's roles and kitchen work- I love the water keeping my hands warm and how it feels on my hands in the cool of the night.
& you- love whatever you do. My mom, she loved carpentry. She loved her tools and wood stains, her sand paper, and her pruning sheers, her garden trowel and time she spent with them- fiercely.

Keep the the parts of the paradigm you love well, and let you fiercely love that parts of your life. You don't have to tear yourself apart. There is no new paradigm someone else with stamp on you.

I was too badass. So I didn't mourn that at all.

I DID mourn some of the doctrine. I really wanted to be a god.

And then I realized that I WAS a god. The greatest god mankind has ever made up. At which point I curb checked Elohim and throat punched Jehovah.

And I saw it; and it was good.

It is well. Raptor, Michael, return again to the earth that thou hast created...

Yes. And as much as I know there is nothing to go back for, I sometimes envision how happy people at the church would be to see me if I walked in. I drive by the church and I feel like I could just put on my Mormon skirt and walk in, and pick up where I left off. It was such a huge part of my life. Even though I didn't enjoy it, there was a sense of belonging. I was such a good doobee that I was totally accepted.

Thank goodness I've got tons of new friends in the music and gay community. I'd be so lost and lonely without them!

I can identify with all the feelings in this thread! From day to day, I went through all of them: the regret of the lost time and money, the regret of forcing my innocent children into a hated cult, missing the false popularity with false friends, missing the feeling that I was needed in a cause that I believed was worthwhile, anger, sorrow, etc, etc. My emotions were all over the place.

I did what PaintingInTheWin did, but with the help of a psychiatrist. I first divided up my personality into separate facets, such as my rebellious self, child-like self, my victim self, my successful self, etc.--and one of those personalities was "Church Lady." This was my Mormon self, the person my TBM mother raised me to be, the obedient, depressed, judgmental, conforming, false self who feared non-Mormons and the outside world. Well, it's more complicated than that, but it helped me to see that most of my true self had nothing to do with Mormonism.

The Mormon church lays claim to universal human commonalities, such as family, love, marriage, happiness, monetary success, friendship, homemaking--you name it, and the Mormon cult takes credit for it. (But only the good things in life.) I have always been capable of unconditional love, and I am not racist or homophobic, and I ask a lot of questions--yet these traits were considered WEIRD in the Mormon world. I also believed in a God who was not concerned with petty, meaningless rules. After discovering there were no Prophets, would I also discover there was no God?

Most of the mourning occurred when I was still a victim of the cult, but it does come back occasionally, 5 years after leaving. But the day I left, my depression vanished, never to return! I woke up to a world where science had some fascinating answers, Philosophy and history told many interesting stories, and Mother Nature had the power to heal us. Reality was sweeter than any fabrication invented by a con-man. For example, in the real world there's no polygamy, and no stratification and separation in Heaven. "We don't know" was the most satisfying answer of all.

My Mormon self was a lesser self, an ignorant, sadder self. I would never want to be her again. My experiences in the cult were so bad, that I would rather forget than mourn.

Sorry to ramble, but when I was told there was no Santa Claus, I asked, "Who brought all those presents, then?" When I was told that it had always been Dad and Mom, I thought of my tricycle, bicycle, skates, dolls, my beloved dog, and all the other wonderful Christmas gifts, and I started to cry. I cried because I was so grateful to my parents--those gifts were expensive, and granted every childhood wish. I wished I had known the truth all along, because my parents' love meant so much MORE to me than the Santa fable ever did. I decided to have some fun with the secret, so I bought a few surprise gifts and sneaked them into the stockings, and was "Santa's Elf" for many years after that.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2012 02:19AM by motherwhoknows.

Thanks for posting!!! I'm sure that so many, many of us exmo's are mourning the sense of community, false though it was, that we felt whilst active.

I cannot say that I mourned my Mormon self, but I definitely mourned my loss of faith in the church. I discovered the truth very early, so I wasn't too very familiar with the "deep" doctrine. My intellectual & spiritual leaving happened when I was about 10 years old, but my physical & mental leaving wasn't until my 20s.
When we get very attached to a way of life, it is very difficult to have the entire basis for it pulled out from underneath you.

I was told that I would never attain the happy suburban housewife dream that I really did yearn for...well, I have it without the church, & it's even better than it would have been had we stayed. We're not pretentious or self-righteous. We're just who we are, and we have a lot of fun being married, & we go to all sorts of crazy lengths to make time for family. If we'd have stayed, we'd have been going to crazy lengths to plan primary lessons or crafts for YW.

It is odd that without the church, we've managed to have what they were always saying we would never have unless we marched lock-step, one behind the other, to the beat of their drum...all the way to the temple!

just MHO...

Nope....didn't give it much thought...just had another beer....

I was 31 years old, was a BIC Mormon and the Church was the foundation of my whole identity. I was married with 5 children when I realized it was all fake. That was a HUGE moment for me. I remember spending a lot of time trying to construct a non-Mormon self.

Mormonism teaches you how to be a Mormon. They do not prepare you to be a non-Mormon. All my thoughts, opinions and values had been intricately intertwined with and rooted in Mormon doctrine. Now I was 31 years old and completely at drift philosophically.

Constructing my non-Mormon self was difficult. I only had the tools to construct a Mormon self. Those tools were skewed toward one way of thinking and so were not of much help.

I still have a sense of loss now and then when I drive by a ward house. I was once a member of a close-knit community. Unfortunately they don't like people like me who say their basis is fake and is willing and able to argue that point. I couldn't possibly consider going back and pretending to be one of them.

It was like taking off a cute pair of shoes that cost a lot of money, but crippled me when I wore them.

Good-bye money
Good-bye cute shoes
Good- bye blisters

I thought about this question for awhile because I was saddened by your dream of losing your dream and the voice that said but you can’t go back. Why did that upset me a little? So I pondered it…
I miss some people from my old ward and some of those memories of sharing time with them. My husband and I were happy there and developed a social life surrounding the ward. Then we moved to another state, and we never really made connections like we did in the former ward. My TBMjackmo quit going altogether, and I went alone each Sunday. I felt like an outcast. I would leave with more questions each time and realized I just can’t buy into this stuff anymore. I was honest, resigned, and lost my “friends”. Now I am preached at by TMBjackmo on a regular basis (well, at least once every few weeks). Now Mormonism, its special little words and “disguised” self-righteousness just gets on my nerves at best.
Were the memories really that wonderful? If I am honest with myself, no. I miss a sense of community. I believe many miss what they have conjured up in their minds as wonderful memories when in actuality they weren’t that awesome, and may even have been hurtful.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2012 03:02PM by suckafoo.

I was a non-Mormon until my early teen years when I joined. I am the only member of my family, thank goodness. This post really hit me. Yes, I am going through the mourning stage now. I've been so full of anger for almost three years. For some odd reason, I never felt the need to learn the REAL history of TSCC until my TBM DH went on his first deployment, then I spent countless hours at the computer just reading and reading whatever I could.

It was two years ago today that an event happened that caused the church to lose me. The fucking jerk who was a member of the local mission presidency came to my ward during a combined RS/PH meeting and raked my ward over the coals for a lack of convert baptisms, then proposed a solution, then went off on a nutcase tangent about how you do want to have all your kids with you, then he went off from that to complaining about his brother who'd misbehaved at YBU then finally left there and Utard. I was so stunned and appalled at all the guilt tripping that I was so glad when the next day I was offered a job that required me to work Sundays.

Then last summer, I walked out of a Release Society meeting:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,215986,216800,page=2#msg-216800

and I haven't been back to church after SM since. I still go to SM to keep peace with TBM DH and support my kids, but once they each graduate from high school, they can decide their level of activity. I'm lucky to have a husband who says the church is NOT the basis for our marriage.

But yes, I am just starting to mourn the loss of my Mormon self.