Obviously I have touched a nerve with you- I guess in my defense..I have discussed divorce with my wife on many occasions. She has made it clear that she wants\needs a worthy priesthood holder for a husband. This is her choice, not mine. I will be the first to admit I am not perfect but my point was that from a non-Mormon view I am probably a pretty good father.

Although I said it in my post (when I was feeling hurt), I would never just leave without a plan for all involved. We have both agreed to keep things going for the sake of our youngest child, who does not need extra drama in his life right now (he is seventeen, in the middle of the teenager stuff). So he is my focus and hope that he can break free from the church.. And not get peer pressured into going on a mission.

As for venting on this board-- I don't have anywhere else to turn because I would never do what my wife has done to me-- talking openly about me to church leaders, friends and family. I am basically an outcast in my nice little Utah County ward. She has a built in support structure to deal with an apostate husband where I just have to sit and deal with all the fallout. I post on this board as an outlet... What you read is a little snippet of my life and you have no idea of the crap I've been pulled through since I told my wife I no longer believe. And I mean CRAP in the fullest sense of the word. My role as father has been subordinated by the church in so many ways. My wife has been completely dishonest with me on so many levels with the bishop, home teachers, etc. There are always two sides of the story but I've seen enough to know that this is a pattern of behavior that the church supports. It hurts tremendously to know all the love, time and hard work I have put into my family is disregarded because I choose not to believe.

Just so you know, I confronted my wife about the talk and she feels comepletely justified. It was a circular argument and almost funny that she cannot see how this stuff creates distrust. But I'm sure she got what she was after.

Just so you know, we actually had a good marriage before I discovered the truth. And by the way, in honor of your choice of board name--- I haven't had sex in months.. So forgive me if I act a little on edge.

I hope this clarifies things a bit- this board is my lifeline in many respects so I thought it was important to explain my situation in a little more detail.

Thanks for listening!

You might want to start getting your legal house in order. The church is not supposed to have any sway in the courts in Utah, especially Utah County, but boy oh boy oh boy do they.

If your wife is headed down the path that she appears to be headed down, it won't be long before the hammer falls.

PROTECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KIDS! Predominant to all other concerns at this point. For some reason, the church, and all its minions, somehow think that when a mother or a father fall by the wayside, that it's the responsibility of the church to assume the role of the fallen parent. Hogwash! Start on building your legal bulwarks against this nonsense now. You are their dad, assert that right with extreme prejudice! 50% legal custody / 50% physical custody.

If you need some good attorney names, let me know...

Often when someone seems to have a problem with you, it's because of their own personal issues...I think that's what I was doing. My TBM ex played the "I don't want a divorce but I'm going to make your life miserable until you want to leave" game, waited till I asked for a divorce, told me that I should be the one to file the paperwork, then got sympathy from everyone because his wife left him. So yeah, I'm a little sensitive about that, and it's really my issue, not yours.
Thanks for clarifying - I don't really have any problem since you're being honest with your wife, since you both agreed to stay together for the sake of your kid. Sorry for jumping all over you without knowing the whole story. It's pretty sad that she can't even see how talking about you in sacrament meeting as a "trial" is sabotaging your relationship. And really, there's nothing wrong with venting on this board if you're not saying anything you haven't already discussed with your wife.
My screen name doesn't reflect my real life either, since my husband's in Afghanistan. Still, I'm so much happier having a real genuine loving relationship. I hope things work out for you. And I think it's great that you are being such a good dad for your kids.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2012 09:13PM by sexismyreligion.

Thanks so much for responding. This is such heart wrenching and emotionally charged stuff. I am glad you were able to work through your difficulties! It gives me some hope that things will work out one way or another.

I hope you husband returns home soon- safe and sound. Thank you for your sacrifice in this regard.

My daughter is doing great too, even though I'm divorced from her dad. If it comes to it, divorce isn't the end of the world and kids seem to do fine as long as they know you really love them. I hope things do work out with your wife though, since you had a good marriage before.

Hey, too long. I just wanted to clarify something I said on your thread.

When I wrote, "Taking your relationship issues to a public forum is a betrayal" I was talking about your wife taking it to church, which is public and talking about it with everyone there.

I do think RFM is the right place to bring your problems in anonymity and get feed back or just vent.

I really feel for you and wish you the best.

"As for venting on this board-- I don't have anywhere else to turn..."

that's exactly what this place is for

i went thru some similar stuff and this was the only place i felt i could go

good luck!

You can't win or even hope to be able to come to a reasonable understanding when you're dealing with someone deeply conditioned by a cult. This is the sad, unfortunate discovery I'm making in dealings with my TBM wife.

I wrote on your original posting that I recently had a similar experience with my wife. And, it sounds like we have similar outcomes when discussing the issues - circular reasoning, justifications, etc. Talking about our differences (and trying to come to some sort of understanding) only ends in frustration.

At the end of a recent (unproductive) discussion we had, we had the following exchange:

Wife: "maybe we should consider counseling. There are other people in "mixed" religious marriages"

Me: thinking in my head that a counselor would most likely tell the married couple to compromise - "well, how about the kids go to church twice a month & we do something else the other 2 weeks?"

Wife: "Not going to happen"

Me: "How about they at least get exposed to the actual history of the church & not just the church's faith-promoting version?"

Wife: "no way"

This is what happens when someone's faith is so dogmatic, so unbending - they are unable to compromise. Her idea of compromise is that she doesn't bug me about not attending church. She's right, I'm wrong. I've lost my parental rights when it comes to our children's religious (or lack of) upbringing. I'm marginalized, my opinions don't matter. Anytime the topic comes up, she reminds me that I made certain promises in the temple in how I was going raise our family. I claim I didn't have full disclosure and that those promises aren't binding and that people can change. Well, apparently not when you're mormon - there's no easy escape. Are there really people who can't see that the lds church is a cult? It's the epitome of one.

Good luck going through this. I hope for the best.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2012 01:38AM by exkoug.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Know that there are many here who have gone through it, also, or are currently dealing with the same type of situation.

"My role as father has been subordinated by the church in so many ways...It hurts tremendously to know all the love, time and hard work I have put into my family is disregarded because I choose not to believe." from your post, toolong.

I completely agree. Our TBM spouses feel betrayed and we equally feel betrayed by their lack of trust in us, which leads us to not trust them. If we don't believe the church we've suddenly joined the evil side (yeah, they'll say we're not evil ourselves, but really, it's all one and the same, I think).

exkoug rightly said " I didn't have full disclosure and that those promises aren't binding and that people can change. Well, apparently not when you're mormon - there's no easy escape."

No easy escape. But worth it, for you and for your kids. Someone has to be the reality-based hero for your kids. Break the chains and use them to help lift your kids out of the hole of mormonism!

My post sounds kind of whacky but that's really how I feel. I wouldn't be going through the crap I am with my TBM DH except I need to break the cycle for my kids. It would be so much easier to just not care if my kids were indoctrinated in the church. I see and feel all the same messages from the church as you do - my authority and place in the family is being usurped. I watched the same thing in my family growing up with a never-mo father but it never clicked as to how horrible it was.

Until your wife can see how she has lost your trust, she will never understand your hurt as valid.

The church assumes the role as parent in your family. IMO you have to struggle / fight to get it back. My TBM spouse also didn't want me to say anything about true history but I have anyway. We cannot fight evil by backing down (Hitler and Poland being a prime example).

The funny thing is that when kids are young, it doesn't take much for them to understand the truth. They've been indoctrinated their whole lives for thousands of hours but it only takes a few minutes here and there to set out the straight facts. Truth is clear and doesn't need indoctrination - it stands on its own merit.

When we stand up for the truth people will respect our conviction. If we cower before them, they glower in their own self-perceived righteousness. A bully will never back down to someone they view in the weaker position - they have to be called out and beat at their own game.

The ramblings of someone who feels your frustration, and hoping to encourage you...

Toolong, thanks for sharing. It's helpful to hear others who are struggling with some of the same challenges.