I have been pretty scattered lately as to the activity on this board. The reason for that is right now Raptor Jesus' life is going through puberty. Lots of changes. Some of which will be good in the distant future, and some of which are messy and really would require a black light to fully find the extent of the havok.

One of the changes that I will actually go into detail and share with the board, is that I went to the doctor a little while ago to find out why I was just feeling so fucking shitty all the goddamn time. My doctor wanted to run all the blood work possible to see exactly which demons I was possessed by that way she could refer me to the correct priest/witchdoctor.

It was interesting because Dr. Barbie (holy shit she was fucking hot), had wanted a little background and I mentioned that within the space of a year I had taken a new job, moved states, and quit a horrible belief system.

"Which one?" She axed hotly with her hot mouth on her hot face.

"Oh, Mormonism."

She smiled and said, "Yeah, my dad is an Exmormon and I can definitely see that it really affected him." As we discussed this issue she also passive aggressively mentioned that she hated going back to Utah for family visits because the rest of her extended family is still Mormon and they are fake, nasty people who seem only concerned with talking about the church and breeding more fake, nasty people who will only be concerned with talking aobut the church and breeding more fake, nasty people who........


She wanted this information because she noted after some observations that I was generally in good health. Which my brain recoded as, "Raptor Jesus, your body is smoking hot." And then for 12 seconds I felt better about myself.

This information about my hot body was important because she felt that it was more likely that the test results for the blood work wouldn't show anything, and this feeling of fucking shittiness was most likely psychological.

I told her that my therapist agreed with her but he wanted me to rule out the physical first. She thought that was a good plan, and the therapist had recommended that she prescribe a particular drug for my Eyeore-esque brain if the results were negative.

It was agreed. I would have some crusty old lady jab me with a needle and fill some tubes up with my precious precious blood, and I'd tinkle into a cup.

I did those things and a few weeks later I went back to see if this mortal coil was worth a good god damn.

Turned out that I have some vitamin deficiencies. Those douchey, rich, American Apatosaur children have stopped eating all their vegatables and have grown fat off cheetos, hot pockets, and moutain hillbilly piss dew. And I've been primarily eating those, so....

The vitamin deficiencies apparently correspond to some general depression and anxiety issues. (ANXIETY??? What could scare ME? Raptor Jesus? Except maybe those snatchmouthed ovaraptors stealing my clutch of divine eggs. Oh, GOD. MY EGGS????? I better go check on them again!!!!)

So supplements and the recommended drug was prescribed. I began to take them faithfully, that way on my follow up visit when Dr. Barbie asked if I was taking all my pills, I could puff out my chest and say that, "I've been ever so good!" and impress her.

However, yesterday my brain melted down. Both my coworkers and I noticed because they began to ask simple questions like, "Are you ok?" And "What's wrong with you?" And I didn't know what in the FUCK they were saying.

Using all of my remaining mental prowess I googled the drug-who-shall-not-be-named and side effects. Mutliple medical websites simply stated, "If you have these side effects. HOLY SHIT. STOP TAKING THE DRUG AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM PEOPLE AND HARD SURFACES."

I do what the internet tells me to do. And it was a horrible night to have a curse.

This morning, I was feeling better. Still strung out from the side effects - but better enough to go back to work.

This week I happened to be working right next to a TBM (who knows I'm an exmo). When he came in this morning, he semi jokingly said, "You know, Raptor. You didn't need to go home yesterday. I COULD have just given you a priesthood blessing."

I responded in the only reasonable way possible. I laughed right in his fucking face. And then I said, "I've had enough of those in my life to know they don't do shit." He retorted, "Well, you just have to have a little faith." And I kept on laughing saying, "Yeah, that's the cop out."

And his mouth stopped oozing stupid shit for a while.

Later on that day, he started complaining about how many callings he had. And I began once again to laugh at him.

He listed all of his callings - each one dealing with being in charge of unruly, horny teenage boys - each calling magnifying my mirth at his self-inflicted predicament.

When he was done complaining, he looked to see if I had anything to say other than, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." At which point I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, if you want to choose to pay them to make you work for free......."

>"You know, Raptor.You didn't need to go home yesterday. I COULD have just given you a priesthood blessing."
>


I was already laughing on the inside, but this is the line that got a guffaw. Holy shit. That line just encapsulates mormon igno-arrogance. Wait. I think I just coined a term. Please stand by while I get a copyright.

I like my gods to be free of torment.

Swear to god, any judge who had read your book and then heard that offer would give you a pass for decking the guy.

Seriously, a person can only take so MUCH!!!!!

Here's my recent vitamin-deficiency story: My son's pharmacy gave him blood-pressure reduction medication instead of anti-psychotic. He took the wrong medication for three weeks. He lost his appetite, felt to sick to get out of bed and turned a weird shade of yellow-gray. I hauled him off to the doctor after examining his pills and finding the mistake.

His blood test revealed malnutrition and possible liver damage.

We got him a charge account at a local sandwich shop that uses all natural ingredients, real turkey, etc. and he could pick up a lunch for free (to him). You see, I was giving HIM the $5.00 and he would buy two bags of chips ( Raptoresque, I'll bet).

With the giant improvement in just lunch (his facility provides breakfast and dinner), he perked up immediately, feeling better and better. Now he has started exercising because he says he feels better than he has in years.

Recently I saw the movie "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" which is amazing. I went to the website and wrote down the recipe for the cleansing drink this guy lived on for 90 days while traveling across the country. No joke, I began to feel amazing in three days!

Pleasure yourself with healthy food, my friend.

Anagrammy

(((Hugs)))

We don't agree on much, but I think it's unanimous...you're funny as sh*t!

What is in our food these days???

Nothing, apparently!

I've got somewhat similar problems... But I've been off the hot pockets and eating supposed dense nutritious food and piles of supplements for four years.

I love your writing.
And your balls.
Laughing openly at TBMs... Ah, I need to grow a pair.

Eat more meat, dear lord. And fat, get some fish oil or whatever is the hippest omega supplement these days. Fat will make your brainz so slippery stress won't be able to stick to you.

ROTFL like Muttley. I LOVE you, Raptor Jesus, I have got to meet you one of these days.

Love your posts.

…your responses to that arrogant TBM were PERFECT!

Getting the right/effective med & dosage takes trial & error. Hope you soon find the right one for you, RJ. Be sure to take whatever vitamins are recommended as well. We want you to be healthy!

I agree. Your responses to him were perfect. Glad you enjoyed your Dr. visits and heck, go back for some more if it keeps you this happy.Finding the right meds and frequency of taking them is often a long process. Just keep trying and you will get it right. Your writing is great and you need to seriously publish more of what is on your mind. It could be anything. YOU have a gift.

You rock! You are a marvelously gifted! It is only fair that being a diety, that you have to put up with the crap that spews out of their mouths, it is part of the gig! ;)

I say your Lordship should stop by my fair town again and we hit the Yardhouse for a few rounds of tonic.

Rx: Keep laughing at Mormons and eat better.
I love your book.

I had a vitamin-d deficiency put me on the floor. Had to change doctors to get a diagnosis.

Took plenty of other drugs the other doc gave me since it must have been my imagination.

Hope you are on the mend. Those other meds had me walking slanted alot of days.

Next time TBM gripes about his callings, offer to give him an apostate blessing. "HE POWER OF GREYSKULL..."

Take all your vitamins like a good boy, and ask Dr Barbie for some mouth-to-mouth.

Therapeutic, you know.


~VOW

Haha! Did you tell the doctor's office that that is why you needed to be seen, for feeling "fucking shitty?" Too bad you missed out on that blessing. Hope you are feeling better.

I NEVER believed ANY of this shit. Even back in my active mormon days (I was NEVER TBM!), my opinion of people ALWAYS went down when they offered to give a blessing.

When I was in my most uber-TBM phase, I developed a system that helped me feel good in every way. The system was that every day I needed to do something healthy for my:

1) Mind
2) Body
3) Spirit

So I needed some intellectual study or social interaction with smart people, some physical exercise and healthy food, and some scripture reading or church each day. Now that I've cut #3 completely out of the picture, I find that I feel at least as good as I ever have. So after experimentation I can safely eliminate #3.

And what do you know, I now have more time to eat healthy, study and exercise, along with holding a full-time job, raising two kids, and getting to the top of my diamond leagues in Starcraft. Rather than being the key to happiness, mormonism was just something that got in the way by demanding my time and money.

When i was teen, I was so stressed out I was getting canker sores (NOT THE SAME THING AS COLD SORES) every month. My doc determined I was deficient in vitamins B-12 and B-6. I started taking both supplements, and viola! Canker sores gone!

I read lot about healing foods and what to pair them with if you want some ideas to help get your body back in balance. Unfortunately, you do have to give up a lot of processed stuff to feel better, but you don't have to cut it out entirely if you don't have something like Celiac or Crohn's, which really limit food choices. Shoot me a msg or email if you need ideas. And that TBM sounds like a crap-weasel.

Dr. Barbie should be able to make you feel your mo-jo for more than 12 seconds now that you are taking your vitamins. Get yer ass back in her office......make up something that sounds good and get a check up.

Tell the TBM who wants to lay his hands on you to give you his batting average for healing people. What's the percentage of healed vs. non-miracle and unhealed? If he is not even faithful enough to keep journal entries of his success ratio he is a slacker anyway.

No god would work through a retard that can't even keep a record of success......oh yeah, there is no reason to keep track because it's all BULLSHIT. If it works on faith tell him to go cure all of Africa of Aids....or even 2% of them. They must have a group of 2% that want to be cured of aids and live enough for him to qualify them as faithful. What an arrogant Prick.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 12:42PM by upsidedown.

And I do everything the Internet tells me to do too as it seems to pan out much better than the imaginary sky daddy's advice most of the time... ;)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 02:52PM by heather.

You are a talented writer. Hope you feel well soon!

Raptor Jesus- Your postings always make my day. Hope you get well soon.

"Well, if you want to choose to pay them to make you work for free......."

Your response was perfect.

Cheers to you, RJ!

Human