Am I the only one who's had this issue? I'm a young woman in my 20s and in a steady relationship. I've never wanted kids. Maybe it was all the babysitting from age 11 onward as a member of a big Mormon family. But I don't get along well with children, I don't melt around babies, and I can't imagine putting my career on the line or on hold for procreation. (And the idea of giving birth scares the hell out of me.)

It's strange, but I somehow feel guilty about my inclination to live a childless life. I guess I'd always assumed that at some point my biological clock would start ticking, and I'd want them. (Who knows...maybe it will at some point.) But I think some of the guilt comes from being taught my whole life that the purpose of a woman is to bring baby TBMs into the world. It sucks that some of the mindset is still buried in me.

I guess it helps I'm no longer in the morg, and out of Utah. But I know that my TBM family wants and expects grandchildren at some point--they've said it to my face.

Just wanted to know if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Right after we married, my new sister-in-law asked when we were going to have kids. Would you believe that? Right out of the friggin' gate!

Both Mrs. Hela and I felt a bit guilty for not wanting children right away, but eventually we realized we didn't want to.

So, when I started getting assked questions by mos like, "When are you going to have kids?" I'd reply with "When it's any of your damn business, I'll tell you."

People stopped asking soon after that.

Not long after that, the guilt stopped, too.

... most definately the TBM family wants and expectations.

Here's something I learned from my parents. If you don't want kids, don't have kids. There's nothing worse than a parent who doesn't want to be a parent and most parents are in those exact shoes which would include my parents.

As far as family pressure goes, I just told 'em that whenever they would be willing to birth, feed, clothe, shelter and educate our kids, Beloved nevermo spouse and I would be more than happy to crank out as many as they want. Until then, don't bother asking cause it ain't gonna happen.

I'm okay with kids. I just don't want the responsibility or frustration. It takes a wise person to see that and react accordingly.

As someone who was raised (cough-cough) by parents who didn't want kids, but had five anyway, trust me when I say you're not doing a kid any favors by having him or her when you don't want to.

The cult "guilts" folks into making bad decisions. There's no need to feel guilty about knowing who you are and what you want.

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 01:50PM by Timothy.

Kids are not for everyone, but they are cool in small doses. Kind of like your own personal Mini-me. The best part, without religion, I can concentrate on helping my son learn to deal with real issues and problems, so hopefully he will be a more successful version of me, without being pushed.

I do appreciate he isn't exactly like me, and I let him be himself.

having children is the ultimate act of selfishness. Really--think about it. What is the purpose? Oh, yes, so they can get their earthly bodies and whatever.

Having children is the hardest thing I've ever done. I would never give them up. They are the light and the "dark" of my life. I just found out my son is cutting again--at age 26. He went through a divorce 4 years ago to a girl he had dated for 7 years. It was actually after he got married, he started cutting. He made 2 suicide gestures and I found him once and his twin sister found him the other time.

He actually told me not to get another dog because dogs are a ticking timebomb. I have yet to tell him that he is a ticking timebomb. I love them more than life itself and to see them suffer is so PAINFUL--you can't even begin to imagine.

AND I wanted kids. And I melted over babies until I had my own and then, after 26 years, I still don't like holding babies and I tense up when I hear them cry. I finally decided that it would be okay if my kids have kids becaues MAYBE I can handle helping them.

I wanted 8. I had twins.

If you don't want kids, do not have them and PLEASE do not feel guilty.

Oh, and my daughter is a TBM--but she and I seem to be doing a lot better lately.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 01:50PM by cl2.

... is quite remarkable.

I have no comfort to offer. All I can say is you're very much an inspiration in my life.

Thanks.

Timothy

Because you're only in your 20s, I'd suggest--without knowing you at all, so forgive the presumption on my part--that you not worry about this and keep your options open. YOu may feel differently at 30--heck,even at 40.

I respect you highly and think you're wise to to hold off on children for awhile--or for good--until you know for sure how you feel.

I've enjoyed being parent immensely, always wanted kids. But it's not for everyone and it's better to be honest about it and act accordingly. Having just two kids has been great, too--glad I didn't give into the "Have them until you drop" mentality.

I had my kids in my mid and late 30s. It worked out well.

Thank you for wording your reply that way -- with deference and respect to the fact that she might NOT change her mind either.

I'm 42, never wanted kids, and my biological clock is digital and is constantly blinking "12:00". ;>) Not interested.

I'm more than okay with my decision. What gets my panties in a bunch is when someone condescends to tell me what I think or that I will change my mind. Nobody knows my mind on this issue better than I do.

So I really appreciate you respecting the OP and framing your post in "mights" and "maybes" terms, rather than as absolutes. She may very well change her mind. Or, like me, she may not. Either way... it's okay.

I, too, appreciated your response. I'm 39 and always wanted kids, but my husband had a vasectomy when he was married to his ex wife. He had it reversed several years ago and it was technically successful, but I still haven't gotten pregnant. At this point, I've kind of decided I don't want to have kids. I'm getting too old and don't want to undergo expensive medical procedures or legal proceedings to have a child.

What annoys me is when people tell me I need to adopt a child and act as though adoption is the simplest and easiest thing in the world to do. I have heard it from a lot of people. While I appreciate the fact that some people apparently think I'd make a good mom, I feel like suggesting that someone have kids is rude. It's a very personal decision and no one else's business.

Last week maybe? I'm in my late 20s and was always convinced that I didn't want kids...until recently. I started thinking I might want one. Freaked me out. So I googled, and one of the more common responses was "I didn't want kids until I met the man I wanted to have them with" I suppose that's possible. So I did some soul searching. Still not sure that I want to get pregnant and have a baby, but I would love to adopt a whole handful of older kids from the Phillippeans or Haiti or some other country where survival rate is very low (I've always thought if I had kids, I would adopt them) It doesn't matter to me if they're black, white, Asian...I could care less if they look like me. I very much believe that you make your own family--its not necessarily the people who are blood related to you. Unfortunately DH and his dad think its only your kid if you give birth to it...so there we stand. I think being raised TBM really screwed me up because I never got to decide if I wanted kids, it was decided for me, so I fought against it because it was something I "had" to do, not something I had any choice in.

In the meantime, I try to make my world a better place. I volunteer with Special Olympics (LOVE being the hugger at the end of the race!) and at the animal shelter. I donate to fundraisers for local people and try to attend when I can. You can leave a legacy behind that has nothing to do with producing a child. Having a child or not having a child does not make you a good or bad person.

I've heard the pleadings of my parents about wanting grandchildren (they have one now from my brother, and I'm sure they will have many more because he is uber TBM) I have other plans for myself. Kids aren't completely out of the picture, but I'm not ready for them yet. Every child deserves to be WANTED by their parents, and I'm not sure I'm at that point yet.

Good luck!

I am having my 4th any day now and I am 43. It was a big accident, but she will never know. We want her so much, but I can tell you that for me pregnancy is pure HELL. It is much harder when you are older so if you change your mind, don't do it after age 38. The one good thing is that I can see that I will have so much more pacience with this one. I have mellowed with age and she will not be born under the covenant of brainwashing and we will get to explore this world with open eyes together.

Funny thing is, I've been feeling guilty about only having two kids and thought my TBM relatives would judge me as not as good of a mother as they are. Of course they'll do that anyway once they find out I don't go to church anymore.
But I agree with the others. One, don't have kids unless you want them. And two, don't do anything out of guilt. Besides, I keep reading about how there are too many people in the world for our natural resources to sustain forever, so if you decide to not have kids, you can remember how many natural resources you are saving the world. (I am partly teasing here.)
For me, motherhood is fulfilling. I don't love them and care for them to be a selfless person. I do it because I want to and it brings me actual pleasure to do so.

outofthere wrote:

"Besides, I keep reading about how there are too many people in the world for our natural resources to sustain forever, so if you decide to not have kids, you can remember how many natural resources you are saving the world. (I am partly teasing here.)"

With 7 billion + now inhabiting the planet its something to consider.

Humans are atop the food chain which means we rely on other "earthlings" for our survival. On the flip side, those other 'earthlings' would flourish were we to suddenly vanish.

Mother Earth has plenty of resources. Where we're concerned, should the demand ever exceed the supply it will get real ugly real fast.

In the end, Mother Nature will go about her business as usual. When we talk about slowing population growth, we're not talking about conserving natural resources, we're talking survival.

Timothy

i was born into a nevermo family so I never got anything from my parents about making them grandparents. I'm the oldest in my family and didn't marry in the temple until I was 34. My youngest sister was two year younger when she had her first baby. What really blew me away was that she actually apologized to me for having the first grandkid!!! O_o I told her that never entered my mind and it didn't bother me. I only had two kids at 35 and 38. No regrets.

When are you having another one?

How many others do you have at home?

Is this just your first?

It's nice that you started so young, now you can have lots more.

Even as a TBM I thought it was over the top the way Mormons get so involved in everybody's reproductive status. I wonder if it's because babies are kinda fun and nothing else in Mormonism even comes close to fun. No, I'm not kidding. As miserable as it was being a nursery leader in primary, it was still a million times better than suffering through a temple session or an Elder's Quorum lesson.

it's somehow SELFISH to decide not to reproduce.

It doesn't hurt anyone else. And there are plenty of human beings on the planet already. Humanity won't go extinct.


Honestly, I think some people just can't wrap their heads around the idea of having a fulfilling life without children. But they should be respectful of other people's decisions.