I go through waves of dealing with the fact that I am now a heathen in the eyes of my family and many good friends. My family is very TBM. Just about every comment on Facebook is about the church in one way or another. Everything revolves around the church for them. The last time I saw my parents, my mom expressed how disappointed she was in me for not being like her other children. She stated that I was "tearing the family apart".
I divorced my controlling, tbm ex a few years ago to give my kids a better life. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've put myself through school, worked and existed on a few hours of sleep a night, but I did it. I am the only person in my family to hold a college degree - but I am a disappointment.
The horrifying reality is this: several years ago, a sibling passed away. He was the black sheep at the time - didn't go to church, lived with his girlfriend, smoked. Oddly enough, no one seemed to be too overcome by his death. I can't possibly know what was going through their minds, but I'm pretty sure my sister never even shed a tear. Being a tbm myself, I remember being sad, but thinking "it's for the best, he was an embarrassment to the family anyway."
Now I realize I am the black sheep. I have a heart of gold. I get along well with everyone. I'm strong, honest, kind, compassionate, and funny, just like my brother was. And just like him, I am now better off dead in the eyes of my family.

I'm so sorry, Eliza -- you deserve better than that. You couldn't possibly tear your family apart. The church is doing a more than adequate job of that, isn't it?

Regarding Facebook, for all of those people who can't talk about anything but church, I would take them off of your stream (don't defriend them, just make it so you don't have to automatically see their posts.) I don't keep people on my stream who drag me down.

They been accused of everything from having affairs, to being addicted to porn, to child molestation, to tearing the family apart.

When my wife and I left we decided to take the high road as best we could and out-mormon the mormons by being genuinely good to our TBM family. Only it would be sincere on our ends. We would be kind, we would forgive, we would have get togethers at our place, we would be generous, we would take a genuine interest in their lives. It's easy to forget they are the ones with the massive problem in their lives: Mormonism. So we'll do everything we can to help and we won't be judgemental of their strange ways, and sometimes hurtful, ways.

Frankly, we weren't quite THAT good to our relatives, but close, and we had to set some boundaries at first but they have learned to behave better now. Today we have a great relationship with them and we really do love each other although I get the sense they still worry about us. (Fair enough. We still worry about them!) I can't speak for what they NOW say behind our backs but it doesn't matter. We won't let mormonism take those we love away from us.

past were, to a large extent, phony, IS a horrifying reality. But what can we expect in a religion where we are actively taught to not say what we really think? How can a real relationship develope that way? The problem is Mormonism, not necessarily the person. So set your boundaries with your family, (no preaching, no love-bombing, no telling you what you need to do), and give them the chance to show you the better angels of their nature.

Even completely brainwashed morgbots have some glimmer of recognition of reality, and they know you have accomplished quite a lot. They just think since you are smart and ambitious and can actually accomplish things, you should be in The Collective, because you could be of so much use to it.

Don't let them wear you down. I'm still a project to mom after several decades of being openly out of Mormonism. Most of my close friends are exmo or nevermo - in fact, since I spent a good chunk of my life halfway across the country from Utah, many of my friends don't even qualify as nevermo - more like WTFIsMo.

After 3 decades of being the black sheep, I'm doing better financially and emotionally than the TBMs, and have seen essentially all of the next generation (Utah County-ites all) go secular. I like to think I was a trail blazer in letting them realize that was a possibility.

Take the long view. The emotional roadblocks they are throwing up are short term. Life always goes on, and we all always get around the roadblocks given enough time.

I like that, WTFisMo!

...that your family are @ssholes, and they probably won't change.

One of the best things my therapist told me was that I could drive myself crazy trying to win the love/approval of people who won't or can't give it, or we can turn around and discover the people who give love/approval freely and genuinely.

Your mom sounds like a nutcase. I know comments like that hurt, anyway. But don't put a lot of stock in the judgement of someone who is so steeped in their religious fantasy that they can't recognize the strength of character that you have shown.

If you were MY kid, I'd be beaming with pride.

How about you come up with an appropriate response to toxic statements like that? Don't refute the content of what she says, because that gives the impression that she had the right to sit in judgement of you in the first place. NO, instead address the fact that she has no right to criticize you.

"Mom, I'm an adult now. I don't EXPECT or NEED you to agree with my beliefs or choices. However, I do expect you to be respectful and stop trying to change me. Your job is done.

Eliza Snow job Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I divorced my controlling, tbm ex a few years ago
> to give my kids a better life. It's been the
> hardest thing I've ever done. I've put myself
> through school, worked and existed on a few hours
> of sleep a night, but I did it. I am the only
> person in my family to hold a college degree

That is no small feat! Brilliant!

There's only one person who's opinion counts, and that's you.

Many of us in your position maintain a relationship of sorts with our families, but, like Stray Mutt said, "turn around and discover the people who give love/approval freely and genuinely." That was worth repeating.

Not all of your family needs to be "blood" relatives. Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood.

I'm really impressed with what you've done with your life. Many here have done the same and they know how hard it was for you.

I had to block people from facebook. One of them has put in a refriend twice and I feel so guilty I let him back in. He was a good friend from our last ward. Sometimes he puts articles from Deseret news or other faith promoting articles. I just don't want to hear any more lies. This time I have to tell him why I am taking him off. My mother still tells everyone in our current ward to pray for me. I hate having her here right now, but she is helping until our baby has arrived. I have had to tell her 3 times to not try to control us or tell us how to live. I really think the church does so much damage to members who have been in the church for a few decades. They have no other interests I think. Her whole life evolves around the Temple or geneology. She has no other interests. When you mention how the church brainwashes their flock they get so bent out of shape. The thing is.....they will never know until they leave. I couldn't see that until I was out. My therapist also told me to find other people to have for family because you cannot change their behavior. Only your own and how you react to them.

They are changing things all the time (one of the reasons I hate facebook), but I hid a couple of people who kept showing up in my news feed with their latest game score or farm harvest.

He'll never know.

I am also the black sheep. A wise person once told me that if I want the kind of attention from family that the others get, then I would have to live my life the way the others do.

Over time I have realize that he is right. My hope for you is that in the not to distant future your life will be filled with new and fun people.

For me it has been and is still worth the cost to live an authentic life.

I'm the black sheep too. Also the only one not living in poverty thanks to going my own way rather than the churchy way.


They have to have a stand in "bad guy" to accept the blame. Things would be so much better without TSCC involved, but that is an impossible thought, so they have to pick what seems the next best thing. The non-conformist. You. It's probably your fault, no way could it be the stupid church. If you would just do what they're doing, everything would be... better. Right?

Wrong. But they can't blame the true source of the problem. They can't even see it.

Eliza, I am so sorry for your experience. I can't imagine a family being so cruel and you have been extremely brave and I applaud and respect you for it.

The difference between family and friends is we get to choose our friends. Your family sounds like a toxic worthless bunch and I doubt that they are people you would CHOOSE to be friends with. So your challenge is to ignore them and horrible way that they treat you.

I suggest that you break off all contact -- who needs the kind of crap they give you? They serve no useful purpose. Take pride in your accomplishments and move forward without them.

I speak from experience with my own TBM family. Life is much better without them.

Perhaps some relatives secretly envy your courage, wishing they too had courage enough to do what you have done.

I know first-hand at least one other individual, who like yourself, has been disappointed and minimized by TBM relatives. Myself. I am confident that many apostates have suffered church inspired, family-generated emotional abuse.

Would you have maintained your membership had you fully understood the "horrifying reality of leaving the church"? Not I. I have gained a sense of self-respect, confidence and independence I had never enjoyed during my 55 years as a Mormon.

I am a pioneer-apostate in my family. The first, perhaps only apostate. I am no longer interested in socializing with Mormons, including relatives. Church talk is boring. Mormons, even very intelligent Mormons, behave so stupidly!

This makes me so sad. I lost my brother in October and I still can't say the words, "My brother died." without starting to cry. To think about someone dying, and their family not feeling much in the way of sorrow is very sad to me.

I lost my brother two years ago to cancer and we all mourn his loss and talk about when he said this or when he did that... he is so missed by us.
I think the best way to digest the kind of disapproval family can dole out is to turn the tables, and in our minds become the solution to their problem and look at them as black sheep that need saving. My family are not Mormon and when I left my dad could not have exclaimed more joy that I was out of that cult. So see? Not everyone disapproves when you leave; some are overjoyed.

That seems to be the result of being concerned about what other people think about you. Sounds like it's time to stop that and set your own boundaries, take your power back and own it, and live your life the way you want and never mind what anyone else thinks!!

There are no black sheep! There are just people - all unique and individual with the right to live their lives on their own terms.

Know that you are OK just the way you are. Ignore people who say things about you that are not true. Who would believe lies about you anyhow?

Learn not to take other people's opinions personally. They are not about you, they are about them!

Check out The Four Agreements. You just might find some useful info there that will give you some guidelines that are beneficial.
http://www.miguelruiz.com/
The second agreement is don't take anything personally. Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally.