FIL shafted the last one of my kid's birthday get together. Why on earth does it continue to piss me off? I had not one sliver of hope or expection that he would come, but I am irritated at myself that I let it get to me and ruin the rest of my night. I just don't get it.

Honestly? I think it is because for some people, NOTHING else is more important than tscc. Notice I didn't say God or anything else. I don't know your FIL but I do know members who pride themselves on doing ALL things 'church'. People, especially families seem to come in last sometimes. I feel for you.

I could easily be in tears after a phone conversation with him. For some reason I expected him to evolve, and care one day or recognize how abusive he had been, and apologize. I expected him to be a normal parent, and actually care like my mother did. Once a psychiatrist told me to stop expecting my dad to be a normal parent, because he was not. He told me to let go of that idea, because my life experience told me he was not. He was right. As long as I had that hope he would hurt me, intentionally or not. Once I learned to communicate with my dad without that attachment or expectation, things got a lot better for me.

I think it is because you know that FIL is under the influence of a cult. If TSCC was all about family, he would be there regardless of your church affiliation or status.

My view? Simple answer: you have not taken your power back and own it. You are still allowing others to emotionally upset you when what is going on is about them, not you anyhow.
You are still emotionally bonded to what you think or expect, or assume others will do. You are still judging and taking things personally that are not about you. You are trying to control other people as you think you know what is best for them.

This is a basic principle that I am passionate about: Don't take anything personally. Let it all go. Take your (emotional) power back, and own it. Don't allow others to take control of your emotions. Other people make their choices and decisions and you can determine if they impact you or not.

Once we take our power back and own it, we no longer give anyone the power to mess with us, upset us, offend us, etc. We can separate what is about them and what is about us, and there in lies the greatest power to freedom and peace of mind.

As long as we stay angry at someone or something --- they own us. Good to remember that!

and it always comes back to bite me.

When I had twins some 26 years ago, I thought everyone would be so excited--especially my ex's family as there are no twins in all their genealogy. When we went to his parents' house the first time, they held the babies for about 2 seconds and laid them down. I got ONE GIFT from 2 of his siblings (for two babies--like one baby book).

Over the years, my kids were ignored by most everyone. My parents did give them birthday gifts, etc., but my older sister demanded my parents' attention for her kids. AND I decided that I would take care of my own, make sure they had nice birthdays and nice Christmases and IT WAS THEIR LOSS if they chose not to be a part of my kids' lives.

Sometimes it still gets under my skin, but not very often.

One of my favorite sayings that I got from a plaque a coworker had years ago was, "Blessed are they who expect nothing, for they will not be disappointed."

We hate more than anything seeing our kids hurt. He can only hurt you and your child if you allow it. (And personally he sounds like someone who would be a real BORE at a party--so why even invite him anyway?)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2012 01:55PM by cl2.

Well bless all the people on this planet who have THICK skin!

Excuse me for being upset that my FIL is not being a grandfather to my children BECAUSE of me! So tell me how this is not about me?

It is so infuriating to me that no matter how hard I try, how many times I turn the proverbial cheek, it is always my fault. Does anyone even care that I have tears streaming down my face?

tiptoes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Well bless all the people on this planet who have
> THICK skin!
>
> Excuse me for being upset that my FIL is not being
> a grandfather to my children BECAUSE of me! So
> tell me how this is not about me?
>
> It is so infuriating to me that no matter how hard
> I try, how many times I turn the proverbial cheek,
> it is always my fault. Does anyone even care that
> I have tears streaming down my face?

NO NO NO this is NOT about you!!! This is 100% about the grandfather and his thinking, his choices, his ideas. His world clearly does not mesh with yours. Not a thing you can do about it but let it be.

Please, for your own sense of peace of mind,don't take his behavior on yourself. It's just too upsetting, and not worth the energy! It's about him. He may have no clue what he is doing.

It is not your fault. Sounds like it's time to back off and let it be. You cannot change or fix another person.

Find ways to enjoy your life -- one way is to keep people who do not mesh with yours, at a distance. It is not required to have certain people in your lives. There is no score board.

Take a deep breath. Let his behavior go. Find the joy and fun and happiness in your life with your children.

and find people who genuinely value you for who you are, and not for what they want you to be. You deserve the support of people who care, not the mind games of manipulative people. If you were a member, he would likely still manipulate you, and your children. I know finding real support is often easier said than done.

People like to blame me for things ALL the time. I find it helpful to remember whose flaws belong to whom. I refuse to let people find fault with me where there is none. This is not a flaw in your character, but in his. Consider the source. Also, consider how you have no control over his behavior; influence maybe, but no control.

Exercise can help you calm down or focusing on what is real, and important or any activity to shift your attention.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2012 03:25PM by atheist&happy:-).

He views you and your behavior in the Mormon Paradigm, which as you know, is an alternate universe only vaguely attached to the reality of American society.

Think of the Mormon Ideal Family as a hologram which all members are required to project. It isn't "real" and never was.

The "you" he is boycotting is not you and never was. It is sad that your children have been deprived of their grandfather, but that's the church's fault, not his.

Since most of us were true believers ourselves at one time, it is helpful to recall that you at one time also believed every god-inspired nugget that fell from their pruned lips. You, at one time, danced like a marionette at the tug of a phone call.

Your children are incredibly fortunate, in my view. Far better for them to have a loving mother to provide a real guide to the real world and if that meant trading in a brainwashed grandfather, they still came up net ahead.

You can't do anything about other people's paradigms and the behavior that results from their crazy-colored glasses. But you CAN do something about your own response.

I know it's painful but focusing on your response through meditation and development of the tools to manage your emotional state is the more powerful approach.

Love you!

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