My bf has a son that is a TBM and preparing for a mission. He is also the most narcissistic person I have ever met. He refuses to eat anything with any kind of sauce, or any veggies or even to cut anything with a knife that has touched another food item. He leaves his stuff literally in the middle of the livingroom. Keys, papers, books, shoes, clothes whatever. He says it's his filing system. He demands money for whatever he wants and then has the nerve to send scathing texts to his dad when he doesn't like something.

He disapproves of me because I am an apostate - his mom though, is the one that had an affair - good little molly mo that she is. He blames his dad.

I had had enough today and went off on him, I told him exactly what I thought of him and how much I dislike him. Probably a big mistake, his dad will probably dump me now. Maybe it's for the best, I'm still so angry about what he did today that I am shaking.

If any of you have had to deal with anything like this, how did you do it without losing your cool?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 06:04PM by bigred.

(Is it Just Me?)

I liked the part about leaving clothes off....
(but not in the middle of the room, te he)

If his dad 'Dumps you' for speaking Your Truth, you'll be Better Off, I PROMISE!

As for "How To"... Always Take The High Road; you'll feel better about yrself if you do;
"A soft answer turneth away wrath" in some/most cases; if it doesn't, this cowboy has been bucked off too many times...



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 06:11PM by guynoirprivateeye.

br:

please read back & see if what I said has any value for ya; I added it 'upon reflection', haha.

Yes, and now that I'm calmed down, I will need to issue an apology to the son for yelling at him. I stick by what I said, it is the delivery that was in error and perhaps the choice of words could have been better. I think I may write him a letter.

Son of BF sounds a little OCD/or just plain spoiled-you poor dear.
Some kids today have personality 'defects'-and narcissistic (you picked up on that!)leanings. I feel for you because he/BF son probably doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way he feels or does tasks.
If you can avoid dealing with his issues/stay out of the mindfield-He's not your son so you don't get dicipline him.
Best of luck! Sorry for your pain.

Why does he takes that kind of behavior? He should be running interference for you.

I've been telling myself for months that he's leaving for a mission in April and I won't have to deal with him for two years. I hope they send him to the Phillipines and he has to learn to appreciate the food he is provided with. Actually I'll be surprised if he even stays on his mission - he even refuses to do his own laundry.

Just hang in there for 2 more months. It sounds like minimizing your interaction with him as much as possible is your best bet.

Getting rid of him for 2 years will help. He will probably grow up a lot on his mission. For example, I learned to eat whatever was put in front of me on my mission. (My brother absolutely hated rice and got called to the Phillipines, lol - he came back a fan of rice.)

This would likely be a deal breaker in your relationship if he were still a teenager and going to be living in your home for years. Where he is an adult (age not maturity) and will be off an a mission soon you will hopefully be able to get through it.

I wouldn't do a grown man's laundry, who is not my husband. Especially a prat's laundry. Tell him to chalk it up to "you'll have to do it on your mission."
I would just refuse! I don't take kindly to a grown person's manipulation. What is the worst that can happen? He wears dirty clothes? I certainly wouldn't give a rats... well you know, if he has to wear dirty clothes he is an adult.

You have every right to be annoyed with this loser. He is babied by MOMMY and tells dad off??? Oh great....another high and mighty Mormon in the making. If his Dad leaves you then he is an enabler. He allows this to go on. That is not the kind of person I would want to be close to. That said, tell BF how the boy is acting and what he is saying and see what he does. IF he does nothing, that will be YOUR life.

It all sounds a bit familiar.

The good news is he's leaving for 2 years.
Unless he cleans up his act he's going to have a very difficult time on his mission. I hope for your sake he doesn't get sent home early.

Ignore what he does or doesn't eat. Try not to eat in the same room if you can. Don't cook for him.
I would demand he keep is filing system in his own space. I would tell him anything left in the LR goes in the garbage. Don't clean for him.

Sounds like his dad tolerates his lack of respect(out of guilt?). That is going to be your biggest problem. DH and I ended up in therapy over this very situation. I was the one who was going to do the leaving. his son went on a mission, came home, went to school, then got married. He's still an arrogant ingrate, but I don't have anything to do with him. DH send him christmas and b-day money, but not much. He's grown tired of the attitude. When I stepped out of it was when DH started to see the light. I left him alone with son as much as possible and let him deal with him.
No matter what, it can be a long and difficult road.

His father seems to be enabling that behavior. If that is the case, it may indicate a certain lack of maturity when it comes to close relationships and how to deal with another person's less than acceptable behavior.

You should be talking with the father, not us. If the two of you are getting serious, then the two of you need to learn to work together on issues like this. If the father is not up for working with you on this, well it would seem he is letting you know where you stand, or his lack of relationship skills.

Though having the kid away on a mission may change the problem, I think part of the problem will still be dating you.

Talk to your BF and find out if he will put his foot down, if he will work with you on this, etc. If he does not? RUN,

+1!

I was going to say something similar to what MJ said...

You're real problem is with Dad. Son's ass will be roundly kicked by the Mission, so you can console yourself with that knowledge.

I really think the biggest prob for his dad is the fact that he was in a very controlling marriage. The mom wore the pants and dictated everything. She demanded he provide whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. They had a nice house and she decided she wanted to live the 'apartment life' and forced him to sell the house. He has allowed himself to be pushed around by the ex and the two kids. I am really having mixed emotions right now. Part of me wants to run and part of me wants to stick it out and part of me wants to be a support to him. UGH!!

He was in a controlling marriage???? Well, who allowed that?? He did. If he is weak with a grown woman there is no hope with the kids. Sorry,,,,just a fact.

If your boy friend won't stand up to his son, won't go to bat for you, it's a huge problem. Try to imagine spending the rest of your life like that. I'm thinking it would be stressful and lonely.

Are you two living together? Is it your original home or his? Can you conveniently move out if you want to? Why is the son with you?

If you two have been together with no issues for some time before the son arrived in the home then it's worth it to discuss your frustration with your boyfriend. If you've always been making allowances for the son (and possibly for the boyfriend) then maybe it's time to re-evaluate if this relationship is in your best interests.

If you decide to speak to your boyfriend about this be very calm and clear:

I will not cook for your son.
I will not clean up after your son.
I will not stand for disrespect from your son.
I WILL be comfortable in my own home or I will find another place to live. (Not meant to be an ultimatum but rather a statement on your present discomfort.)

Don't turn it into: "Junior does this and Junior does that..."

Keep it simple and direct: "The public living areas will be clean. Anything left in them will be thrown away after 24 hours. I don't provide maid service for adults. I'll do your laundry but not any other adult's laundry." that sort of thing.

Good luck.

We are not living together, but do spend a considerable amount of time together. I totally get that he worries he is losing everything. I do see him (the bf) getting stronger every day. I am trying to be patient since it is his son. Sometimes I have wondered who is the parent and who is the child. His ex-wife just freaked out on him any time he tried to dicipline the kids and I think it will take some time for him to get comfortable being the boss. He is very kind to me (the bf) I just hate the way this kid treats him. On the other hand, his other son is delightful and I really like him. The one that's 19 is just a condesending ass.

Tell him you're uncomfortable in his home right now because of his son's behaviors and because you don't want to be confrontational or demanding. Maybe he can come over to your house more often so that you don't have to deal with his son's mess or attitude. In fact, he might just appreciate a safe harbor from his son's demands. :)

Best of luck with this. You sound like a very caring and supportive person. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you.

It's not your problem, of course, but maybe the kindest and most helpful thing to do would be to suggest your BF have him evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist with background in austism and OCD.

I don't see any autistic behaviors. There is some OCD but the main issue is the narcissistic behavior and the condescension. disrespect and laziness. This kid refuses to get a job or to do anything constuctive other than go to school. He is so afraid to fail anything that he won't do anything that seems the least bit difficult.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 08:22PM by bigred.

The food issues is a huge indicator of something major going on in his brain. And, sad to say, going on a mission could screw him up royally. I'd certainly mention that it isn't normal behavior and that the lad could benefit from a completel psychological workup.

(Speaking as someone who lives with those with autism -- the food thing can be overcome. My grandson still doesn't love his vegetables. There are some -- like corn -- that he literally can't swallow. But we make him choke down some of the rest because he absolutely needs the nutrition and fiber. And the more he eats them the easier it gets. He's good about eating salad, can make himself eat broccoli and green bean, okay about eating cauliflower -- you get the idea.) :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 08:23PM by Rebeckah.

I agree, about the psych workup - I doubt it'll happen though.

The kind of stress described by those who have been on missions here can tip a borderline brain over the edge into schizophrenia or manic-depression or whatever. If the boy is legally an adult no one can make him get evaluated, but at least your boyfriend can be prepared for some potentially serious fall out.

(I'm a big believer in forewarned is forearmed.) :)

Simply manage to be busy over the next 8 weeks. If your BF wants to see you, he can come by at your place without the boy.

His son is much too old for re-education by you. If a mission does not straighten him up you'll be best served if you avoid interacting with him.
After all, he already has a mother.Let her take the brunt.

You said some things that sound like he has some kind of disorder that is not "normal". He scares me just reading about him. I would stay clear of him. He could be dangerous when you least expect it. (Speculating of course, but I'd use caution.)
I agree with not interacting with him.

You'll need some boundaries with your BF re: this kid.