So quick recap here: I've moved a bajillion miles away from everyone in my family, to the UK (which is awesome, btw). Well on my way to becoming a lawyer [barrister] here. Left mormonism when I was 16. My parents were converts. I'm not very close with my family, except with my brother...until he went on his mission, where he currently is.

Last week, I got a strange email from my mother, which said, "Call me ASAP." I assumed somebody was dead, but this was luckily not the case.

Well, actually, someone was dead. My stupid-ass cousin killed somebody. This is dumb on so many levels, the least of which being that both he and the victim are gang members.
The stupidest part is probably that it's a death-penalty state he's being tried in. But I digress.

The facts of the case don't matter. What does matter is that this has led to epic amounts of soul-searching in my family. The immediate family being mormon, and the extended are all lapsed catholics. My mom and sister have spent the last week either praying for him, or emailing me legal questions.

Now, it's funny, because everyone was so against my becoming a lawyer, because it apparently means I'll never get married and that's the only important thing in life. Suddenly it's great that I have some legal knowledge.

Anyway, dear mom has decided that this is all due to a lack of morals that can only be found in church. I tried to dissuade her of this and said that this has nothing to do with morals, but with law, and that my cousin broke the law and has to go to court over it. She insists that his heart is pure, and since he's gone to confession and such that everything is okay because god's forgiven him.

But...no. Just no. I can't even articulate how much this bothers me.



Admittedly, I'm deeply conflicted about this whole thing. My cousin is a couple years older than me, but we mostly grew up together until his parents got divorced and he moved away with his mom, in high school. Neither of us came from good backgrounds, but his family was actually better off than mine. I don't understand what went wrong with him, though to be fair I haven't seen him in about 5 years. I don't understand how I'm a lawyer and he's going to be on death row. He was nicer than I was when we were growing up. People always liked him better. He taught me how to throw a curveball. I taught him how to shoot a snapshot. I don't understand what happened.

I guess it's times like this where it's very, very easy to be religious, or to believe in pre-destination of some sort. My family explains everything away with saying he "lost his faith," but that's no explanation. I'm way further away from religion than he was. I'm not sure I believe in inherent morality, other than the "don't be a dick" rule.

My little brother, the missionary, emailed me mom about it and said this is what happens when you don't read the scriptures every day. What the fuck happened to my brother? he'd never say something like that.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at. I think I'm angry about this, but I'm usually a really even-tempered person. I don't know what I'm angry at, exactly. My cousin used to be so good, and now he's done the worst thing a person can do. He's 26 years old. He's got an automatic death-penalty case. What the fuck happened. And why do people hide behind "faith?"

People hide behind faith because they are frightened and it is all they have.

Sorry about your cousin.

I had a cousin who, though he had a very, very successful professional career, was also a Hell's Angel.

You are training to be a Barrister? Holy Hell! Well done!

Still up for the exmo meet? We'll have to arrange something.

I think a lot of it is environment. Some of it (or a lot of it) could have come from his home, and parental neglect. But he was also put in an environment where meeting up with gang members was easy.

Every day I look at the urban kids that I teach, and I think about how malleable they are. You could take many of them and put them in a class of calm, focused kids and they would do well. But put them in a class of kids who don't care about education, and they suffer for it. They fall in with the crowd.

I'm sorry that your cousin is in trouble, Puck. It's amazing how divergent are the paths that cousins can take. Sometimes you even wonder if you're from the same family.

I'm glad that your studies are going well and that you're enjoying jolly old England, Puck. I love to follow your adventures. Carry on!

Sorry you are dealing with all of this Puck!

I have no wise words for you.

You are asking great questions though...

It's hard to factor in all of the elements that can lead two similar seeds down completely different paths.

For your little bro: surely he knows that more people have been killed by people who attach themselves to scripture!

Shit happens and even good people can make horrible choices.

Hang in there! Whatever life skills got you this far will undoubtedly keep you moving on and growing!

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.
It's one of those strange turns that life can take.
Choices? circumstances? DNA? Religion?
Maybe a combination of it all. Whatever took him to where he is, you will spend a lot of time thinking about it. It will most likely always have some effect on you, and color your world.
Especially with the profession you are going into.
My son is an almost graduate of law school. I know the path you have taken is not easy. It takes a lot of work and determination. Be happy every day that you have been able to do what you are doing. Your cousin is a snap shot of how a few decisions over a small amount of time can be life changing. Keep going forward. I'm proud of you for what you have accomplished and where you are headed.

Hi Puck,

I sounds like you have had one hell of a week.

Here's the thing, many, many people can't even understand how they got into the position in which they find themselves. Often it is poor judgment followed by bad decisions coupled with a substance abuse problem that leads to criminal activity. Often it is only understandable by looking at that particular moment. In that moment your cousin did a terrible terrible thing which resulted in some very intense consequences.

But unless he is a truly evil person (which I tend to doubt because they are rare), I am sure he is very confused, scared, and sick about what he did in that moment. You may not ever see that side because once a person goes to prison/jail they have to put up all protective defenses just for safety. A good person can make a huge huge mistake in one moment and then need to pay dearly. But that moment doesn't erase all that came before and all the ways he can grow and improve after- even on death row.

I guess my point is: if you have the emotional fortitude and desire, you may want to reach out to him. Being in the system is an extremely lonely and frightening position. And many families just can't cope with the stress of the process and the crime- understandably so- and they walk away from the offender. He may still be a good person who made a very big mistake, and could use a kind word. Especially as you are geographically, and maybe emotionally, a little detached from the situation.

Your family and all the people connected to this sad event may try to make sense out of the senseless using religion or morals. People hide behind faith because they would like to think that if they do enough of the "right" kinds of things that they would never end up like your cousin. They would like to think that they would never commit a serious crime. But the reality is that shit happens, people make mistakes, people do have moments of insanity, people have disease and drug addiction and it results in incredible loss and pain.

Your poor brother is on autopilot being on a mission. He is also not thinking clearly. Your anger is justified, this is a very painful situation. And it's not made any easier by people's self-righteous judgments.

Take good care of yourself. Be proud of the profession you have chosen, it is good and noble. Don't let this keep you from doing well in school. Reach out to those who are hurting if you feel like you can.

A book that you make want to check out is "Monster" by Walter Dean Myers.

If you continue to be deeply bothered by this, it might be wise to make an appointment with a therapist.

Sometimes we have reactions which are masked, as though our subconscious mind is pushing something down and has sprung a leak, you know?

Your mental state is your own personal highest priority. You need calm and peace in order to be successful in your studies. It is well worth the $$ to deal professionally with a trauma of this kind which could lead to depression or other problems if not dealt with promptly.

All emotional reactions of significance are personal.

Best of luck to you, Puck and let us know how it goes.

Anagrammy

PS. Please share what you like so much about the UK

1. Your cousin's choice was to join a gang and get "initiated" (or whatever) by killing someone. That was, no doubt, the culmination of a whole series of small, seemingly harmless bad choices on his part. Now those small, seemingly harmless bad choices have come home to roost, and he is going to pay the price his society demands from those who make them.

2. Additionally, he did not make choices comparable to yours for how he would plan the rest of his life.

3. Your choices were: to defy your family's demand that you live out their medieval plan for your life (is that a good choice or a bad choice?), to pursue a law degree against their wishes (another good choice or a bad choice?), and to move a bajillion miles away - presumably to escape their direct negative influence (another good choice or a bad choice?).

3. Additionally, you did not choose to join a gang, kill someone, etc., etc., and make all the other choices your cousin made.

4. After not only choosing to not support your life choices but going one step further and condemning them, your family chooses to persist in magical thinking and now chooses to expect you to dispense your hard-earned knowledge for free to benefit your cousin and (presumably) help defend the family honor. It is YOUR CHOICE whether or not to comply with that expectation.

5. Your mother chooses to do what (apparently) many older-generation female relatives of criminals do: defend their reputation. "He really is good at heart!" Um, no, ma'am. He took a gun (...or fist, or knife, or club, or broken bottle, or whatever...) and killed someone with it. Good at heart? How does your mother know what is in his heart? How did you know what was in his heart growing up with him? Jeffrey Dahmer's parents couldn't believe they raised a monster, either. But hey - shit happens.

These are choices everyone makes during the course of their individual lives. If you compare your recent achievements against his recent failures and stake them to morals or morality, you are muddying the issue: the reality lies deeper within each of you. Who knows why people do what they do? You are now experiencing a form of mourning. What you are mourning is the extinction of future projections of past experiences. Your good memories of the past remain, but your cousin's choices have changed the present reality of his situation, perhaps your evaluation of his personality, and maybe even your future relationship with him. Your expectations, based on past history, must be reconciled with what is happening in the present. This is why your mother defends him with the phraseology of disconnection. Morals and morality are relative, ALWAYS. The law exists because of this: to sort out a balance between the moral reality of one person or thing and that of another.

Rigorous analysis is one of the lawyer's best tools. You will emerge from this self-analysis even more thoughtful and purposed. Best wishes, and best of luck to you.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2012 12:43PM by Timothy.

Mine as well. A virtual hug to you.

I'm sorry about your cousin. It is painful when our loved ones make decisions that cause so much pain and suffering.

I am not a lawyer, nor was I present at the incident where the murder took place, or that your cousin was arrested, so it would not be right for me to comment on those.

I can and will comment on the sadness that up until now your family thought you were the lost one. This demonstrates the dangers of cult think, and flawed moral codes. Your cousin did not just wake up one morning and become a murderer, he slowly walked his way to that point. You yourself said he was a gang member. However, because your family was so fixated on meaningless things, stuff that they had been wrongly taught to prioritize, such as church attendance, and marrying young, they missed the far more dangerous things with your cousin.

Perhaps if all the time they had spent on trying to make him a good Christian, had instead been spent trying to make him a lawyer instead, he would not be where he is now. By that, I mean focusing on encouraging him to pursue a life, any life, that would have given him more options, then just being another guy from the street.

thanks for the replies guys. I'll respond in kind when I'm done with some of these case briefs. but I certainly appreciate all the sentiments -- it's a lot to think about.